by L. B. Dunbar
We stood at the corner while I typed in our location on the Uber app. We waited in silence, rode in quiet, and Katie exited the car without a word. A strange type of panic seized me.
“So, I’ll call you about the project?” I asked, holding open the door before she could close it on me. On us. I suddenly didn’t like her not speaking to me, and it reminded me again of a distant memory. Silence. And Katie.
“Sure,” she responded noncommittally, as she looked back at me with a weak smile. “Kiss AJ for me,” she whispered. Instantly, I was jealous of my son. I wanted her lips on me. Instead, I watched her enter the refurbished warehouse when every fiber of my body screamed to follow her. Don’t let her get away, my brain cursed, but I shook away the plea.
How was I going to survive the project with Katie Carter? Professor Erickson, Wayne, certainly had me stumped with this one. A journey into the past. I hated that theme. Little did he know, the past had found me.
Levi
I saw Katie coming out of Dr. Johnson’s office when I entered the outer office and froze. AJ was strapped to my chest and he moved energetically when he noticed Katie.
“Miss Carter,” I acknowledged, my tone colder than I intended. Looking at her instantly refreshed the kiss in my mind and my mouth. The swirl of her tongue, the taste of her lips, the pull of her body against mine. The image died when she simply nodded in response, and then approached to coo at AJ. His hands reached out for her and gripped her wavy locks as they dangled toward him. She tried to right herself, but remained awkwardly bent forward.
“He has my hair,” she whispered, reminiscent of our time in the bathroom stall. Trying to use her fingers to pry the tresses clear of tiny fingers, my hand reached for AJ’s and covered Katie’s instead. The touch of her skin reminded me of holding her hands within mine, warming her cool fingers. The need to warm more of her startled me. She seemed too distant at the moment. Considering AJ was attached to my chest, inappropriate thoughts wrestled in my mind. Yet, my lower region didn’t seem to care I was holding a baby. It wanted at Katie.
Still holding her hand while she bent forward, my thumb brushed the back of her knuckles when I heard Anne Johnson speak.
“What’s going on out here?” Her tone held more than one question.
“He pulled my hair,” Katie responded, suddenly released from AJ’s hold. Her eyes opened wide as she looked at me and her cheeks blushed a soft pink. “I mean, the baby grabbed my hair.”
My mind wandered to all kinds of reasons that sweet color tinted her cheeks. I’d pull her hair, if she wanted. I’d wrap it around my fist and tug it taut, holding her in place while I kissed that pouty mouth, drawing in the tenderness of her. My lower region was at great risk of exposure and holding AJ became a distracting shield for what undoubtedly protruded within my pants.
“Miss Carter babysat for me.” Anne already knew this information, but the moment remained awkward.
“I’ll see you in class,” Katie muttered, her eyes glancing up at me briefly before returning a deep smile to AJ. Brushing a tender caress over AJ’s head, she swiftly stepped past me, and I was met by the questioning glare of my advisor.
“Levi, come in here a moment.”
Following like a petulant child, my heart thudded.
“Close the door,” she said as she perched against the edge of her desk. I did as she asked and jiggled AJ.
“First. Why is AJ still with you?”
“Alicia’s at her mother’s and I…” A raised palm stopped my weak explanation.
“How is Alicia?” Anne’s tone hinted at more than a casual question. She wanted details.
“Alicia’s staying at her mother’s…” I was met with the hand again.
“Staying? Or living?”
“What?” I choked. Anne took a new direction.
“Levi, did I tell you how much I adore Katie Carter?” She could play the role of a narrow-minded principal well, if it weren’t for the fact she was already head of the English Department instead. This was ten times worse.
“Yes, the other night at the bar.”
“Can you tell me why she would request to be removed from the History of Chicago course?”
“I…” I didn’t have an answer, although I knew the truth. My heart dropped at the thought she’d leave the class because of me. I didn’t really want to be separated from Katie, even if that had been my intent in coming to this office as well. The thought that she wanted to walk away from me sunk the thumping rhythm of my heart to a slow, stagnant beat. To avoid one response, I gave another. “Alicia left me. I’m trying to work out some things, but, in the meantime, I don’t know what to do with AJ.”
Anne’s arms slid open and she rested her hands on the edge of her desk.
“I’m sorry, Levi.” She bit her lip. I sensed she had more to say on the subject, but she held it in for the sake of politeness. It would come out later. That was Anne.
“If I remove Katie from this class, I could suggest she babysit again for you, for AJ.” Anne narrowed her eyes at me, offering a personal suggestion regardless of her professional relationship with Katie. I tried to keep my demeanor calm, and my face void of any expression. It was a possibility. The thought of Katie in my home fizzled with mixed emotions. No, having her in my home again was not a good idea, if she was trying to avoid me.
“Unfortunately, I know babysitting isn’t going to help her fulfill her dream.” She stared at me pointedly, hinting she knew more about Katie Carter than she let on. “So, you’ll have to work out whatever has caused my former student to want to be removed from that class.” Anne’s point was made, but not before her eyes narrowed further. She scanned my face for something, and I realized I couldn’t withdraw from the class either. Her lips twisted like she wanted to say more but she stopped herself. Whatever had happened with Katie, I needed to tell myself it was nothing. I could avoid like the best of them.
“Speaking of dreams, have you considered the offer from my friend Jet?” Jet Markenson was the photographer Anne introduced to me at the pub. In the course of our conversation, he mentioned he had connections with Geographic Digest, probing for answers on whether I would settle for the city’s largest paper. I was candid in my response, which I assumed lost me an opportunity with the newspaper. I wanted to work with the cutting edge, internationally recognized magazine. I wanted to see the world again, like I had begun to in the military, like the military had promised me. Jet suggested I submit some of my images to him after our meeting. He was impressed with my photographs and he considered offering me work with the paper, despite my opposition. Everyone needs a stepping stone, he said. It wasn’t my dream job, but it might have to be my reality. That didn’t make me happy.
* * *
I entered class and decided to take a seat in Wayne’s rolling chair. Professor Erickson had an open seating policy. We could sit where we wished, and I noticed Katie always sat toward the back of the room. I knew Wayne outside of the classroom. He was not only a professor I’d had often in my history courses, but he was a good person to talk to. He’d seen his share of war in the early 90s—a time noted as the army shift from jungle green to desert brown. Wayne knew about my experiences, although he didn’t know as much about personal things, like Alicia leaving me or my current fascination with Katie. We’d jovially argued about his assignment and my partner prior to this class.
“How could you let me partner with her?”
“You seem familiar with one another,” he joked as I tried to get out of the arrangement. “Rules are rules,” he scoffed. “I let that mutiny roll. Now you have to live with your choice.”
“If you made the rules, I don’t see why you can’t change them.”
Wayne narrowed his eyes at me. “What’s the problem, Levi?”
“I…” I knew her. I was familiar with her. Too familiar. How could I tell him I’d kissed the girl? I’d spent a day with her. I wanted more time with her, and that was a dangerous thought.
�
�It’s nothing,” I lied. Wayne seemed to want to torture me further when he began the class, talking about emotions in history—how emotions led to rash decisions politically, economically, and socially.
“There’s history in us. It forms us. Based on it, it dictates who we are, decisions we make, and journeys we take.” He paused. “Five minutes ago, someone bought a coffee. That coffee changed his life. He needed it. He drank it out of habit. He burned his mouth. It could define the rest of his day.” The class chuckled, and Wayne looked pointedly at me. “But one day, for some reason, he ordered a tea, and it changed the course of his history completely.”
My brows pinched at Wayne’s double meaning, and somehow the discussion shifted to emotional decisions more specific to history. He mentioned using emotion in our writing project. He didn’t believe in boring textbooks filled with facts. He wanted information that told a story.
“History is his story.” He paused to raise a hand. “And before you feminists go crazy, I do believe there should be a her-story, and feel free to continue the tradition of writing them.”
The class chuckled again.
“On the note of women and emotion…” He paused to wiggle his brows over his rimmed glasses to show he meant no offense. “Emotion needs to be in your writing. I want you to learn something about this amazing city, but don’t just spew facts at me. Make a story of the history.”
He paused again for effect and Nate raised his hand.
“Are you saying to make something up?”
“No,” Wayne clarified. “I’m saying take a journey, make a discovery, add emotion. Someone help me here.” His eyes roamed the classroom, and to my surprise, Katie volunteered.
“You need to write from your head and your heart.” She tapped her chest as she spoke passionately. She seemed too young to know of anything heartfelt—disappointment, death, drama—but then I was reminded of her comments about feeling caged, and not for the first time, I wondered what she meant. She was still a kid in my head, but as my eyes roamed over her body—supple curves, firm, handful breasts, and a dip to her waist—I saw before me someone too sensual to be a child. Then my eyes flicked to her lips. Remembering our kiss, I no longer had thoughts of her as innocent. Her mouth responding to mine the other night told me without words that she was all woman.
I tapped a pencil against my thigh, shifting side to side in the rotating chair. It was a nervous habit. I needed to stay in motion. Keep moving or you’re dead, General told us. The words echoed in my head at the most inopportune time.
“Emotions are linked to feelings,” Katie continued, nearly taking over the class. “In our hearts. It’s not a sensation, like one of the five senses, but something inside us. Invisible. Imaginative.” Her hand flattened on her chest, covering her heart and I envisioned the beat under her skin. My own raced in response to her words. “We feel emotions. We touch things. There is a difference, but we easily mix the two. Touch is a sensation. However, touch can be confused for emotion as well.”
Her face pinked as she rambled, but she’d captivated our small classroom. I noticed several guys sit forward, shifting their feet under their desks. Bastards. I sensed what the sound of her words did to their bodies. It was having the same effect on me. Her lashes lowered, embarrassed she’d said too much, revealed something of herself.
“Can you give me an example?” Wayne asked.
“I was touched by his thoughtfulness,” Katie said, her eyes shooting to mine. An awkward silence filled the classroom.
“Get in touch with your emotions,” another student interjected.
“Exactly,” Katie smiled shyly, twisting in her desk to face the attractive, bobbed-blonde, and pleased that another person understood her. Katie nodded, her forehead wrinkling. “It's like when someone says I'll be in touch. What does that mean?” Her voice growing in exasperation “Touch what?” she blurted. Her sweet voice grew husky, without realizing the sexual innuendo. Or maybe it was just me, and a growing imagination of things I wished to do to Katie. Either way, I couldn’t look at her again, sensing her eyes questioning me. I nodded my head as if I agreed with her example and then I re-considered. Did she want me to touch her again? Does she know what she said? A shaky hand came to my forehead and I rubbed at the wrinkled skin, pressing in a growing headache. It wasn’t only the head on my shoulders that ached, and I sat up straighter at her question.
“Let's keep in touch. Does that mean keep touching me?” A male student mumbled, and a few students tittered like middle schoolers. Katie smiled weakly at the boy, and something happened to me. I didn’t like it, not one bit. Without warrant or reason, my gut clenched. Katie's face pinked and my dick flinched firmer in my jeans. Whoa, settle there, big guy. My lower region read too much into the word play, and my fist wanted to connect with the jerk egging Katie on. His eyes glazed as he looked at her.
“Exactly,” Katie said. “It's confusing, so don’t be cliché.” She placed her palms flat on the student desk. For some reason, I noticed her short, pink finger nails. I sensed Wayne was about to speak when Katie continued.
“I palmed the smoothness of the hard surface.”
Fuck me. My fingers dug deeper at my forehead. The tapping pencil halted. Her palm slid over the solid, flat top of the desk before dragging to the edge, curling around the tip.
“My hand cupped the ridged curve.”
I swallowed hard and wiped a drop of sweat forming on my brow. Another student coughed, sitting forward to disguise his own growing boner. Putz. Wayne gasped beside me. Easy old man.
Pink-painted fingernails reached for the support, holding up the writing surface. My heart raced in anticipation of what she might say next.
“My fingers stroked the pole.”
I heard someone groan and noticed Nate slip lower in his seat in the back corner. Visions of her touching me, clawing me tenderly with those pink nails, made my skin prickle. I angled my elbow to rest on my thigh, struggling to contain the pressure in my jeans.
“This is touch.” She paused. “It’s sensation. It’s sensual. What we, as writers, need to do is to get in touch”—she narrowed her eyes at the student next to her—“with our emotions. How does the experience feel? In here.” Her fist beat above her left breast.
“That felt good to me,” Nate commented and another student choke-coughed. The desire to pummel each of the males suddenly dreaming of her naked struck me, but I couldn't move because two blue eyes pinned me to my seat. Innocent and embarrassed by Nate’s remarks, she closed her eyes and clenched her fist again.
“Yes, well that was an enlightening explanation of emotion separate from sensation.” Wayne coughed. “And the point is to try to get in touch”—he winced—“with the emotion of the past. Remember history defined people, their attitudes and their actions. But history can shift. One choice can change everything.”
Katie’s eyes avoided mine. I spun the chair and wheeled myself to the front of the room, needing the moment to block the class from my thoughts and settle my dick. I was not in touch with my own emotions, let alone interpreting those of others. My emotions left when Alicia left. They exited my life when Trent did. They said goodbye when my mother said those words, but the sapphire stare burning a hole in my back told me otherwise. My emotions warned me I'd feel something for Katie, and it would involve more than touching her skin.
Katie
“So, Katie.” Nate approached me as I collected my things at the end of class. “I hear you tutor for writing.” Among the many odd jobs I had, working in the writing lab was one of them. Anne Johnson, my old Creative Writing professor, posted my name as a tutor.
“I do. Can I help you with something?”
His eyes roamed my body and I shivered. Nate was too good looking for his own good. Suddenly, the heat of Levi surrounded me, as I sensed he stood behind me. Without touching, the solid wall of his chest stood at my back, his nearness a statement.
“So, yeah, I need some work with this business writing p
rompt?” Nate continued, but my hands fluttered at how close Levi stood.
“Oh, well, I don’t usually tutor those types of things. I’m more for the creative types.”
“I like creative types.” Those inquisitive eyes skimmed over me again. A white row of teeth met my gaze. There was more in his meaning than writing, but my thoughts muddled at this handsome man appraising me. His newly borne attention was disconcerting. With the presence of Levi still directly behind me, the attention of two men at once left me feeling dazed as heat spread over my body, primarily radiating from the man behind me.
“Are you almost done?” Levi huffed, and I jolted back to reality. I quickly finished loading my bag with my pen.
“Sorry. I’m finished.” I turned sideways to allow Levi to pass, but he stalled after stepping forward, pressing his body flush with mine. His eyes were nearly black and he clenched his teeth.
“Not you, him.” His head tipped sideways toward Nate, and I turned to find Nate still drinking me in, but his face stiffened. His false smile held firm as the presence of Levi’s position appeared almost possessive.
“So, Katie, anyway, how about Thursday night? I can rent a room…”
“What?” Levi choked out, taking a half-step forward, angling his body before mine.
“At the library,” Nate hissed, squinting at Levi before his eyes returned to mine. His tone teased. “You can work on me there.”
“You mean your paper,” I corrected. “Thursday is fine.” Levi’s head spun to face me, and I remembered what he’d said. He didn’t think I should settle for fine. I don’t know how he didn’t recognize that staring at him was better than good. The feeling inside me I had when I looked at him was more than anything I’d ever felt before, and I believed I wore my emotions on my face.
