An Inspector Calls and Other Plays

by J. B. Priestley

  ALAN [mildly]: I must grow a shaggy beard and drum on my chest and ro-o-ar!

  JOAN [doing her best]: When their Uncle Frank – you know, Freda’s husband, they live in London – took the children to the Zoo for the first time, little Richard was only five – and there was an enormous monkey – what Alan said reminded me of it – and –

  MRS C [cutting this ruthlessly]: Would anybody like a glass of port? Kay? Hazel? What about you, Madge? It’s a scholarly wine. You remember what Meredith wrote about it in The Egoist. But nobody reads Meredith now and nobody takes port. I used to read Meredith when I was a girl and thought I was very clever. But I didn’t like port then. Now I don’t care about Meredith, but I rather like port. [She has poured herself a glass of port, and now sips it.] It’s not good port this – even I know that, though men always say women don’t know anything about it – but it’s rich and warming, even this – like a handsome compliment. That’s gone too. Nobody pays compliments any more – except old Doctor Halliday, who’s well over eighty and has no memory at all. He talked to me for half an hour the other day, thinking I was Mrs Rushbury – [Ring at bell.] There! That’s probably Gerald.

  MADGE [wearily]: At last!

  MRS C [maliciously]: Yes, Madge, but you mustn’t be so impatient.

  [MADGE glares at her. ALAN is now ushering in GERALD THORNTON, who carries a brief-case, and ERNEST BEEVERS. GERALD is over fifty now, and though careful of his appearance, he looks it. He is grey and wears glasses. He is much drier and harder than he was in Act One. ERNEST BEEVERS looks far more prosperous than he did before, and has lost his early shyness. With the arrival of these two, the party is apparently complete, so that there is no longer the feeling of waiting about.]

  MRS C: Well, Gerald, will you have a drink before you begin talking?

  GERALD: No, thank you. [He turns to KAY.] How are you, Kay?

  KAY: Quite well, thank you, Gerald. [Stares at him.] I’m sorry, but it’s true.

  GERALD: What is?

  KAY: I always remember your saying, years ago, that you didn’t mind living in Newlingham but you were determined to be as different as possible from the Newlingham type of man.

  GERALD [hastily, frowning a little]: I don’t remember saying that –

  KAY: Yes, you did. And now – I’m sorry, Gerald, but it’s true – you suddenly look like all those Newlingham men rolled into one –

  GERALD [rather shortly]: What do I do? Apologize? [Turns away, leaving her regarding him speculatively.]

  HAZEL [who has managed to get ERNEST to herself a moment]: Oh – Ernest I’m so glad you’re here –

  ERNEST [not pleasantly]: You are, eh?

  HAZEL [who knows him by this time]: I suppose that means you won’t stay now – just to show me –

  ERNEST: I don’t need to show you. You know, by this time.

  HAZEL [lowering voice]: Ernest – please – be nice to them tonight – especially to Mother – you could be such a help if you wanted to be –

  ERNEST [cutting through this]: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

  [They both notice then that MADGE is quite near, regarding them with a contemptuous smile. ERNEST gives her a sharp look, then turns away. HAZEL looks deeply embarrassed, then looks as if she was about to appeal to MADGE.]

  MADGE [coolly]: I shouldn’t say a word, if I were you, Hazel. I mean, to me. It would only make it worse.

  MRS C [loud cheerful tone]: Now then, everybody, please be quiet and pay attention. We must be very business-like, mustn’t we, Gerald? I’m so glad you were able to come, Ernest. You’ll help us to be business-like, won’t you?

  ERNEST [grimly]: Yes.

  MADGE: And that doesn’t mean you’re at liberty to make yourself unpleasant.

  MRS C [sharply]: Be quiet, Madge. [Turning, with smile and great social air, to GERALD] Now then, Gerald, we’re all waiting. Tell us all about it.

  [GERALD, who has been glancing at his papers, looks up at her and round the waiting circle with a sort of despair, as if to ask what could be done with such people.]

  GERALD [in dry legal tone]: Acting under instructions from Mrs Conway, after it was decided you should all meet here, I have prepared a short statement of Mrs Conway’s present financial position –

  MRS C [protesting]: Gerald.

  GERALD [rather despairing]: Yes?

  MRS C: Must you talk in that awful dry inhuman way? I mean, after all, I’ve known you since you were a boy, and the children have known you all their lives, and you’re beginning to talk as if you’d never seen any of us before. And it sounds so horrid.

  GERALD: But I’m not here now as a friend of the family, but as your solicitor.

  MRS C [with dignity]: No. You’re here as a friend of the family who also happens to be my solicitor. And I think it would be much better if you told us all in a simple friendly way what the position is.

  ALAN: I think that would be better, you know, Gerald.

  KAY: So do I. When you turn on that legal manner, I can’t take you seriously – I feel you’re still acting in one of our old charades.

  HAZEL [with sudden warmth]: Oh – weren’t they fun! And you were so good in them, Gerald. Why can’t we have some more –

  ERNEST [brutally]: What – at your age?

  HAZEL: I don’t see why not. Mother was older than we are now when she used to play –

  GERALD [not amused by all this]: You’re not proposing to turn this into a charade, are you, Hazel?

  KAY: What a pity it isn’t one!

  ALAN [very quietly]: Perhaps it is.

  MRS C: Now don’t you start being silly, Alan. Now then, Gerald, just tell us how things are – and don’t read out a lot of figures and dates and things – I know you’ve brought them with you – but keep them for anybody who wants to have a look at them – perhaps you’d like to have a look at them afterwards, Ernest –

  ERNEST: I might. [To GERALD] Go ahead.

  GERALD [dryly]: Well, the position is this. Mrs Conway for a long time now has derived her income from two sources. A holding in Farrow and Conway Limited. And some property in Newlingham, the houses at the north end of Church Road. Farrow and Conway were hit badly by the slump and have not recovered yet. The houses in Church Road are not worth anything like what they were, and the only chance of making that property pay is to convert the houses into flats. But this would demand a substantial outlay of capital. Mrs Conway has received an offer for her holding in Farrow and Conway Limited, but it is a very poor offer. It would not pay for the reconstruction of the Church Road property. Meanwhile that property may soon be a liability instead of an asset. So, you see, the position is very serious.

  MADGE [coldly]: I must say I’m very much surprised. I always understood that mother was left extremely well provided for.

  MRS C [proudly]: Certainly I was. Your father saw to that.

  GERALD: Both the shares and the property have declined in value.

  MADGE: Yes, but even so – I’m still surprised. Mother must have been very extravagant.

  GERALD: Mrs Conway hasn’t been as careful as she might have been.

  MRS C: There were six of you to bring up and educate –

  MADGE: It isn’t that. I know how much we cost. It’s since then that the money’s been spent. And I know who must have had most of it – Robin!

  MRS C [angry now]: That’ll do, Madge. It was my money –

  MADGE: It wasn’t. It was only yours to hold in trust for us. Alan, you’re the eldest and you’ve been here all the time, why didn’t you do something?

  ALAN: I’m afraid – I – haven’t bothered much about – these things –

  MADGE [with growing force]: Then you ought to have done. I think it’s absolutely wicked. I’ve been working hard earning my living for over twenty years, and I’ve looked forward to having something from what father left, enough to pay for a few really good holidays or to buy myself a little house of my own – and now it’s all gone – just because mother and Robin be
tween them have flung it away –

  MRS C [angrily]: You ought to be ashamed of yourself, talking like that! What if I have helped Robin? He needed it, and I’m his mother. If you’d needed it, I’d have helped you too –

  MADGE: You wouldn’t. When I told you I had a chance to buy a partnership in that school, you only laughed at me –

  MRS C: Because you were all right where you were and didn’t need to buy any partnerships.

  MADGE: And Robin did, I suppose?

  MRS C: Yes, because he’s a man – with a wife and children to support. This is just typical of you, Madge. Call yourself a Socialist and blame people for taking an interest in money, and then it turns out you’re the most mercenary of us all.

  MADGE: I don’t call myself a Socialist – though that’s nothing to do with it –

  ERNEST [who has been glancing at an evening paper, breaking in brutally]: How long does this go on? Because I’ve something else to do.

  MRS C [trying hard to placate him]: That’s all right, Ernest. Look what you’ve done now, Madge. Made Joan cry.

  JOAN [suddenly weeping quietly in the background]: I’m sorry – I just – remembered – so many things – that’s all –

  GERALD: At the present moment, Mrs Conway has a considerable overdraft at the bank. Now there are two possible courses of action. One is to sell the houses for what they’ll fetch, and to hold on to the Farrow and Conway shares. But I warn you that the houses won’t fetch much. The alternative is to sell the shares, then to raise an additional sum – probably between two or three thousand pounds – and to convert the houses into flats –

  MRS C [hopefully]: We’ve had a sort of scheme from an architect, and really it looks most attractive. There’d be at least thirty nice flats, and you know what people will pay for flats nowadays. Don’t you think it’s a splendid idea, Ernest? [He does not reply. She smiles at him and then her smile falters, but she returns hopefully to the theme.] I felt if we all discussed it in a nice friendly way, we could decide something. I know you business men like everything cut-and-dried, but I believe it’s better to be nice and friendly. It isn’t true that people will only do things for money. I’m always being surprised about that. People are very nice and kind, really – [Breaks off, then looks at the women, more intimate tone.] Only last week, I went to old Mrs Jepson’s funeral, and I was walking back through the cemetery with Mrs Whitehead – I hadn’t been round there for years – and I saw Carol’s grave – and, of course, I was rather upset, suddenly coming on it like that – but it was so beautifully kept, with flowers – lovely flowers – growing there. And I thought, now there’s an instance – nobody’s told them to do that or paid them for it – it’s just natural kindness –

  MADGE [harshly]: No it isn’t. Somebody must have been paying for it.

  KAY [turning]: Alan! It must be you. Isn’t it?

  ALAN: Well – I do send them something – once every year, y’know – it isn’t much.

  HAZEL: Oh, Mother – I’d forgotten about Carol – it’s sixteen years ago.

  ALAN: Seventeen.

  HAZEL [in melancholy wonder]: Why, my Margaret’s nearly as big as she was. Doesn’t that seem strange, Kay?

  KAY: I’d nearly forgotten about Carol too.

  MRS C [with some emotion]: Don’t think I had – because I was so stupid about that grave. I’m not one of those people who remember graves, it’s human beings I remember. Only the other day, when I was sitting upstairs, I heard Carol shouting ‘Mo-ther, mo-ther’ – you know how she used to do. And then I began thinking about her, my poor darling, and how she came in that awful day, her face quite greyish, and said, ‘Mother, I’ve the most sickening pain,’and then it was too late when they operated –

  HAZEL: Yes, Mother, we remember.

  ERNEST [harsh and astonishing]: I’ll tell you what you don’t remember – and what some of you never even knew. She was the best of the lot – that one – little Carol – worth all the rest of you put together.

  HAZEL [a shocked wife]: Ernest!

  ERNEST: Yes, and I’m counting you in. You were the one I wanted – that’s all right, I got the one I wanted – but it didn’t take me two hours to see that little Carol was the best of the lot. [Adds gloomily] Didn’t surprise me when she went off like that. Out! Finish! Too good to last.

  MRS C [now near to tears]: Ernest is quite right. She was the best of you all. My darling baby, I haven’t forgotten you, I haven’t forgotten you. [Rising.] Oh, why isn’t Robin here? [Begins weeping, also moves away.] Go on, Gerald, explaining to them. I shan’t be long. Don’t move. [Goes out in tears.]

  [There is silence for a moment or two.]

  MADGE: Surely, under the circumstances, it’s absurd that mother and Alan should continue living in this house. It’s much too large for them.

  ALAN [mildly]: Yes. We could do with something much smaller now.

  MADGE: Then this house could be sold, that would help. It’s mother’s freehold, isn’t it?

  GERALD: I think it would be better to move into something smaller, just to cut down living expenses. But this house wouldn’t fetch very much now.

  HAZEL: Why, mother was offered thousands and thousands for it just after the War.

  ERNEST [dryly]: Yes, but this isn’t just after the War. It’s just before the next War.

  GERALD: How much do you think, Ernest?

  ERNEST: Take anything you can get for it.

  KAY: Well, what are we supposed to do? If the worst comes to the worst, we can club together to keep mother going –

  MADGE: But it’s monstrous. When I was at home – and knew about things – we were considered quite well off. There were all the shares and property father left, not simply for mother but for all of us. And now not only has it nearly all been frittered away, but we’re expected to provide for mother –

  KAY [rather wearily]: But if the money’s gone, it’s gone.

  GERALD: No, the point is this –

  [He is stopped by a loud ring at bell. They turn and look. ALAN moves, then stops. ROBIN has marched in. He is wearing an old raincoat. He is shabbily smart, and looks what he is, a slackish, hard-drinking unsuccessful man of forty-two.]

  ROBIN: Hello! All here? Where’s mother?

  ALAN: She’ll be back in a minute.

  [ROBIN takes off his raincoat and negligently gives it to ALAN, who characteristically accepts it and puts it away. ROBIN takes no notice of this, but looks at JOAN.]

  ROBIN: Well, Joan. How are the offspring?

  JOAN [stiffly]: They’re quite well, Robin.

  ROBIN: Still telling them what an awful man their father is?

  MADGE: Are we going to have this all over again?

  ROBIN: No, you’re not – dear old Madge. Do I see a drink over there? I do. Have a drink, Gerald. Ernest, have a drink. No? Well, I will. [Goes and helps himself liberally to whisky and soda. Turns after first quick drink, faces them and grins.] Hello, Kay. Condescending to visit the provinces again, eh?

  KAY: Yes, but I’ve got to be back sometime tonight.

  ROBIN: Don’t blame you. Wish I was going back to town. That’s the place. I’ve half a mind to chuck what I’m doing and try my luck there again. Know several decent chaps there.

  KAY: What are you doing now, Robin?

  ROBIN [rather gloomily]: Trying to sell a new heavy motor oil. I ought to have tried your stunt – writing. Might, one day. I could tell ’em something – my oath I could. [Finishes his drink rather noisily.] Well, don’t let me interrupt the business. Or are you waiting for mother?

  MADGE: No, we’re better without her.

  ROBIN [belligerently]: Yes, you would think that! But don’t forget, it’s her money –

  [He stops because MRS C reappears, all smiles.]

  MRS C [joyfully]: Robin! Now this is nice! [Sweeps across and kisses him. There is perhaps a touch of defiance to the others in the warmth of her welcome.] Are you staying the night?

  ROBIN: I wasn’t, but I could do –
[with a grin] in Alan’s best pyjamas.

  [They settle themselves.]

  MADGE: We were just saying, Mother, that it was absurd for you to keep on living here. The house is much too big and expensive now.

  ROBIN: That’s for mother to decide –

  MRS C: No, that’s all right, dear. It is too big now, and, of course, if I sold it I could probably raise enough to convert the Church Road houses into flats.

  ERNEST: No you couldn’t. Nothing like.

  MRS C [with dignity]: Really, Ernest! I was offered four thousand pounds for it once.

  ERNEST: You ought to have taken it.

  GERALD: I’m afraid you can’t count on getting much for this house, though, of course, you’ll save money by living in a smaller place.

  ROBIN: Not much, though. She’d have to pay rent for the smaller house, and this is hers.

  GERALD [rather impatiently for him, probably because ROBIN is here]: But rates and taxes are fairly heavy on this house. I want you all to understand that the present situation is very unsatisfactory. The overdraft can be paid off, of course, simply by selling shares or some of the houses, but after that Mrs Conway would be worse off than ever. If the money for the conversion scheme could be raised, then the Church Road property would bring in a decent income.

  MRS C: And I’m sure that’s the thing to do. Flats. I might live in one of them myself – a nice, cosy little flat. Delightful!

  GERALD: But after you’ve sold your shares you’ve still to find another two or three thousand to pay for the conversion into flats.

  MRS C: But couldn’t I borrow that?

  GERALD: Not from the bank. They won’t accept the Church Road houses as security for a loan to convert them into flats. I’ve tried that.

  HAZEL [hopefully, and a shade timidly]: Ernest – could lend you the money.

  ERNEST [staggered by this]: What !

  HAZEL [rather faltering now]: Well, you could easily afford it, Ernest.