Flatline (Med Rom Series)

by Kristine Dugger

  Creeping into her hospital room, I find Ashley remains on the ventilator. The eerie feeling of the room sends a wave of cold chills across the back of my neck. Ashley is hooked up to so many machines. The ventilator is off to her left, the monitor’s at the head of the bed, and the IV pole’s to her right. Looking at the girl who I once considered a younger sister made my heart hurt and my stomach turn. Her once shiny blonde hair has been shaved on the right side with a Frankenstein bolt attached to her head so it can measure her intracranial pressures. Due to the severity of her face hitting the windshield, her childlike features have shades of deep purple and black with a hint of red. She is mangled and puffy, unrecognizable to those who know her. This is not Ashley; this is the body of Ashley.

  Walking up to her bed, my hand reaches for hers, holding it tight as I whisper a healing prayer.

  “Lord of Heaven,

  I rest underneath your mighty wings of love.

  I dwell within your gentle heart.

  I know there is healing in your touch.

  Through the sufferings of Christ, I can ask for restoration

  And trust in your goodness.

  You are my Lord, my Savior,

  My healer and my friend.

  I dwell within your gentle embrace.

  Amen.”

  A tear rolls down the side of my cheek. I hate seeing her like this. So young and her life taken away due to someone’s lapse in judgement. It isn’t fair.

  God, please heal Jake’s sister, my kid sister. I love you, Ashley.

  Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeeppppppp.

  I look up from her hand to the monitors sounding off.

  Oh shit! She is coding.

  Adrenaline kicks in, I let go of her hand and push the Code Blue button. My hand creeps up over my mouth, while the running steps of medical personnel fly into the room. My vision becomes tunneled, my body stiffens and becomes numb.

  A familiar voice yells, “Delilah, get her out of here now.”

  “Will do, Dr. Davis.”

  Dr. Davis? Leo is here?

  Forceful arms wrap around me, dragging my frozen body out of the room. With each slow breath, realization unfolds. Ashley is coding. Chest compressions are being done and medication is being pushed. Six to eight people stand outside her room while I wait to hear them say she is okay.

  Please pull through.

  Warm tears stream down my cheeks, hoping and praying she will make it. Leo and the team will revive her. Waiting and waiting, each second feels like several minutes have passed. No one has left her room yet. Rubbing my eyes, the fog seeping around the halls, grey closing in, my vision is still tunneled. There is no sound except for the rapid thumping of my heart, blatant and heavy.

  She has to make it. Her family isn’t here. Ashley, pull through. Your family isn’t here.

  Then complete silence.

  One by one, a member of the trauma team walks out of her hospital room, all straight faced, giving no sign if she is alive or not. My chest tightens, my stomach in knots. I hate not knowing what happened to her.

  Then Leo walks out, staring right at me. His face screaming pain and failure.

  Oh God, no, no, no.

  My body crumbles. Del holds me as Leo moves in my direction.

  I can’t take this.

  Panic with a side of hysteria boils over. I need to get away. Pushing away from Del, with wet, drowning tears flowing from my eyes, I pass Leo and out the ICU doors.

  Leo calls to me, “Paige, stop.”

  Running through the halls like a mad woman, I’m ready to explode. I need to get out of the hospital. I need to get away from everything, Ashley, Leo and life. I race outside to the courtyard, crashing down on a bench and wail like the grief stricken sister I am.

  My hands cup my face, with tears racing down my neck. A hand rests on my shoulder. Looking up to see who it was. It was Leo. He sits next to me, wrapping his solid, strong arms around me. He whispers, “I’m so sorry, Paige. I’m so sorry.”

  “Her family wasn’t there. Jake wasn’t there. It was just me before she coded.

  “Just let it out.”

  “I was the last voice she heard.”

  “Baby, I am sorry, so sorry.”

  Pushing out of his hold, anger burns up in me, screaming at him, “I’m not your baby. I’m not your girlfriend. We’re nothing but glorifying fuck buddies.”

  His expression fades to gloom. Leo rises to his feet, grabbing my hand, bringing it close to his mouth, and then lightly pressing a kiss on it. “Paige, I am sorry.”

  Flushed with rage, I start to fidget. “Leo, you need to go. I need to be alone.”

  “I’m sorry. I will always be here for you, regardless if you accept it or not.”

  “Stop saying you’re sorry. Leave, Leo.”

  Without hesitation, he walks away from me.

  Just like that, he walks away. No fight, no nothing, just like my mother, just like Jake did. They walked the fuck away, leaving me to mend my shattered heart. Yeah, I pushed Leo away. Did he fight for me? If I truly was his baby, which I’m not, wouldn’t he fight against me to stay? Aren’t I worth the fight? Why does everybody leave me?

  Chapter 21

  Unfortunately, after Ashley’s passing, I have to go back to work. I really am in no mood to continue my day. I know she is my last patient, but I still have patient screening for tomorrow. All I want to do is hurry up and see who needs to be charted for tomorrow and move along. I want to go home and crawl into bed and be a hermit. I can’t believe my little sister could not be saved.

  My mind goes to Leo. He was there. Leo couldn’t save her. I know he tried his hardest and I know this has to be eating him up too. Why am I so worried about Leo? Why was he up in the unit again? He only comes to the unit to see...me.

  I throw my binder onto my desk, sit down, look at my calendar and get the chills. This day, I will never forget. Screw prescreening, I am just going to pack up my belongings and go home.

  My mind is going a mile a minute. Thinking of Ashley. Thinking of Jake. Thinking of the Bierman family. And lastly, thinking about the man who tried to console me after he couldn’t save a patient. He was trying to help me out, when in reverse someone should be consoling him. I pushed him away when he was trying to be there for me. I am such a bitch.

  ***

  Before coming home, I decide to have dinner at my sister’s. I had to tell her about Ashley. It is hard to tell my post-partum sister that the youngest Bierman child passed away. My sister did not take it well either. There is a lot of crying on both our parts. Poor Bryan had no idea what to do with us. He just sat there holding baby Kinley, asking us over and over if we needed anything. He tried and that is what counts. I hate being the bearer of bad news.

  Walking up the stairs to my midtown apartment, it was late into the night. My eyes were groggy and puffy. I was surprised I made it home okay. The street lights were fuzzy all the way home.

  When I got to my floor, I saw someone sitting by my door. My eyes were still blurred. Then I realized who it was, it was Leo. He is here. He is here for me.

  He stands up, picking up a box and two coffee containers. I look at him confused. “I am here to see how you are doing. I brought coffee and donuts.”

  My eyes start to water up, I smile, “You brought me coffee and donuts?”

  “Yeah, chocolate with sprinkles.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I think we both need some cheering up. Sprinkles always makes things better.”

  I rub my eyes. “Yeah, it does.”

  I unlock my door and he follows me in. We walk into my kitchen and sit down at the kitchen table. Neither of us wanting to say a word. It is okay. He opens the box of goodies, hands me a napkin and one of the sprinkle covered chocolate donuts. I take a bite and then sip the coffee. He just sits there and watches me take a drink. He is letting me lead the show, waiting for me to say a word.

  We sit for several minutes before I decide to talk to him. “Thanks fo
r coming tonight.”

  “I needed to see you.”

  “Really? What did you need to see me about?”

  “The other day. You were with your ex?”

  “Your point? You chose to ignore me for over a week.”

  “I know. I had some stuff I needed to figure out.”

  “You could’ve at least called or texted me saying you needed time to think.”

  “So I’ve been told.”

  “Why now?”

  “I hated seeing you with him.”

  “You were jealous.”

  “You can say that.”

  “Leo, we both screwed up here. I know what I did at the cabin was wrong. It was stupid and very childish but you not calling or texting is exactly same thing.”

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  Shaking my head. “I’m tired. I have had a long, emotionally charged day.”

  “I know. Can I stay?”

  Looking into those beautiful eyes of his, I couldn’t say no. Next to his smile, it is one of my favorite features about him. I get up from the table and start to walk to my bedroom. I left him sitting at the table. I turn back to him. “Are you coming?”

  With no hesitation, he stands up and follows me to the bedroom. I strip down to my underwear and bra. He watches me as I remove my bra and grab a t-shirt to wear. He takes off his jeans and white designer t-shirt and crawls into bed. I follow him in. Leo grabs a hold of me, bringing me close to his body. My back is to his chest. The warmth of his body radiates heat to mine. His lips press soft and gentle kisses along the nape of my neck.

  I lose it. The tears start streaming down my cheeks. My cry goes from quiet to out of control. Leo whispers, “Just let it out.”

  “It just sucks. She was too young.”

  “I wish there was more I could do for her. She was your ex’s sister. I saw the name and put two and two together. I am sorry, Paige.”

  “She was more than his sister; she was my kid sister too.”

  “I’m sorry. Just let it out, baby.”

  I wipe the tears from my face. “Damn, I hate crying. I’m a blubbering mess.”

  “You’re a cute blubbering mess.”

  “You’re crazy.”

  “I’m tired.”

  His hold became tighter as he pulled me closer to his body. “I never want to let you go.”

  I squirm my body to face him. He wipes a tear from my face and whispers, “I mean that.”

  I lean into him, pressing my lips against his. If you could put a title on a kiss, our kiss would be apologies and love all wrapped into one. This kiss was more than what I have ever expected, more than our time at the cabin. It was as if we were truly becoming one. Like Leo and I might truly be more than just sex.

  ***

  The days following Ashley’s funeral have been extremely rough. The funeral itself was an emotional roller coaster of grieve and guilt. Margo attended the funeral with me, which made things somewhat better. Jake’s family was so pleased to see us there representing the Dawson family. My mother was too busy traveling Africa to come. I understand her not wanting to travel back to Nebraska for a funeral but at least she could have called the family. My father was Jack Bierman’s partner for twenty-five plus years.

  My head has been more and more consumed with work and working my frustrations out at the gym. I haven’t really seen Leo. His hours have switched to nights for the remaining of the week. He has sent me a few texts, just saying he is thinking of me and when he gets a day off, he can’t wait to see me. The plan is to have dinner, an actual date. It is sweet and always brings a smile to my face.

  This morning, instead of heading to the gym, I decide to go for a walk. Sometimes when the air is not as humid, the morning walk can be refreshing. And for some reason today, I need to let my mind not think for a moment. I just want to put on my IPod and lose myself in my surroundings. I need to get away from all distractions, this includes my cellphone. I leave it at home and head out.

  My walk was exactly what I needed. I reflected on my life and who I want to be. The last several months since my breakup with Jake has been an eye opener for me. My confidence in myself went through the roof. I was able to get comfortable with my own body and explore a relationship that could potentially lead me to my happily ever after. I was in the driver seat and not the passenger. Then I thought about my next steps in my career. I have finally made the decision to explore a PhD. This is something I have been thinking about for some time but never really got the opportunity to explore. I know with Leo, he will support me. He understands me and my determination to better myself and be the best at what I can do. If it was Jake, he would be more annoyed that more time was taken away from him. I would have to say this has already been a productive morning.

  Walking up to my apartment, I notice a familiar face walking outside my complex. It was Jake. What is with these men coming to my apartment uninvited? First Leo, now Jake.

  I walk faster to meet up with him. I ask, “Jake, what are you doing here?”

  “I tried calling you to see how you were doing.”

  “I am better. How are you?”

  “I need to talk to you. Will you have breakfast with me?”

  “What?”

  “Breakfast at the Street Café? I really need to talk with you.”

  “Okay, let me get my phone and purse and I will be down in a minute.”

  “Okay, we can ride together.”

  “Is that necessary?”

  “Paige.”

  “Fine.” I hurry up the stairs to my apartment. I grab my phone, purse and a sweatshirt. I wonder what he needs to talk to me about. It is just funny how he pops into my life right when I feel things are starting to head down the right path.

  ***

  Everything was extremely awkward about having breakfast with Jake. In the beginning, we just chatted about his family, my family, the business and my work. I let him know about my plans to pursue my Doctoral degree. He was all supportive and smiles. Numerous times, he kept saying how proud he was of me. I am not sure why we were having breakfast. It was like he wanted us to catch up on life. The queasy feeling in my gut is telling me that this spur of the moment meal with him is more than just two individuals getting caught up.

  With his hunter’s brown eyes staring at me, I feel like today’s prey. He smirks, “Paige, thank you for having breakfast with me. It really means a lot to me. It feels like old times between you and me.”

  “In ways, it does feel like old times. But what is the real reason you asked me to breakfast. I know it isn’t to catch up.”

  He chuckles, “Straight to the point, aren’t we?”

  “Jake, stop screwing around.”

  “Fine. First off, I want to tell I can’t get over how beautiful you are.”

  “Haven’t changed much since the last time you saw me.”

  “There is one thing.”

  Sighing. “What?”

  “Me. That is the one that has changed about you. I am not with you.”

  “Oh Jake, what are you trying to say here.”

  “I miss you. I want to be back in your life, if you will let me be.”

  Shaking my head at him, he keeps on talking. “I know what I did was a mistake. I got cold feet, thinking the grass was greener but it wasn’t. I have learned my lesson on that. All the girls I have dated since you are nothing compared you. Seeing you the other day brought back all the times my life was good. Despite the circumstances, you came back into my life when I needed someone. You were there for me and you didn’t have to be.”

  “Jake, please don’t.”

  “You know that saying, ‘you don’t realize what you have until it’s gone?’ Well, that is how I feel about you. I want you back in the worst way possible. After Ashley passed, I realized life is short and I don’t want to waste any more time. I know what I want. It has always been you.”

  “Jake, I am seeing someone.”

  “The doctor from the restaurant?”


  “Yes.”

  “Are you serious?”

  I couldn’t answer him. We haven’t even had a date yet. How do you explain to someone that you have been sleeping with someone and there is the potential to be exclusive dating instead of exclusively fucking?

  Then he asked, “Is it just sex?”

  And for the first time, I felt ashamed of my arrangement with Leo. Everybody has been telling me that I deserve more than just sex, but I never took it to heart until Jake asked me.

  Jake grabs my hand and squeezes it. “I’m sorry for pushing you into something that is not you. I should’ve never left you to be someone’s booty call. Paige, you deserve more than that. You deserve the family and a man who would love you like you need to be loved.”

  Tears start to form in the corner of my eyes, watching him tell me all the things I never knew I wanted to hear.

  He continues, “Paige, I want more than sex with you. I want to love you like you should be loved. I am sorry for being selfish and leaving you. I promise I will never do that to you again. Please give me another chance. I want to prove to you that I am the man who deserves you.”

  With tears streaming down my cheeks, the man I loved more than my father wanted me back. The man I pictured having a family with is asking for me again.

  Yet, I have feelings for someone else. That man showed me the other night I was becoming more than a piece of ass. That same man who held me while I cried at night. That man who showed me affection in front of his mother. I have no clue what to do. Now, I have two men who want me, my past and my present.

  “Jake, this is a lot to process. I need time to think.”

  Still holding my hand, his brown eyes focus in on mine. “I will give you as much time as you need.

  After our little talk, Jake paid for our meal and took me home. Earlier this morning, I was enjoying where my life was heading. Now, I am confused as fuck where my love life is heading. Here I have Leo, who is trying to show me that he wants more of me, not just sexually. But we have not formally discuss where we are headed. Then there is Jake, who pretty much laid it all out there for me. He still loves me and wants me back. It would be so hard not to consider what I know. I know what I am getting with Jake. Where, with Leo, not so much. I just don’t know.