“I’m gonna figure something out,” he murmured into my hair. “It’s happened so fast I haven’t had time to think of a solution, but there has to be one. There’s always a way for us to be together and for Annika to get justice,” he said. “I’m not giving up on us.”
Desperation was plain in his voice. My heart was a weight in the middle of my chest, a load I had to carry. It was no longer light and complete like last night. I never realized a heart in pieces could be so heavy.
“If you’re going,” I said, my hands bunched in his shirt. “You should go. My dad’s coming here soon, and if you’re choosing the team, I’d rather he didn’t meet you.”
Sebastian stiffened. My words were another punch, one of many during this conversation.
He kissed my temple, not meeting my gaze when he drew away. This wasn’t right. I didn’t want him to go. I latched onto his arm, and my hands trailed along until he was almost out of my grasp. The reality of what was about to happen sank into me, filling me up. A sob spilled out.
Sebastian turned without a word and swept me into his arms, and his lips crashed into mine. I met him with equal parts desperation and anger. We shouldn’t end like this. We shouldn’t end at all.
I wanted to beg him not to go. I wanted to shove him out the door.
“I’m going. But I’m not going forever.” He wiped my tears with his thumbs. “I love you. I love you so much. And I’m gonna figure this out.”
For what might be the last time, his wide back disappeared out my front door. If things got as heated as I suspected they might, I didn’t see how we’d ever find a way back to each other.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Annika had been discharged from the hospital a week ago and went home with her parents to heal, rest, and receive counseling. I didn’t expect her to come back to Northern University to spin in the center of this chaos. My dad had taken over the living room until it became clear she’d be gone for a while. Now, he slept in her bedroom, even if all his stuff was scattered everywhere.
My phone pinged. Kristy’s text message glowed on my screen. Every time an alert went off, my heart accelerated. At least part of me still expected to hear from Sebastian. But there’d been no communication this last week.
He’d met my dad, but it wasn’t the meeting or circumstances I’d hoped for. Dad had interviewed him for his investigation of the frat house. He said Sebastian seemed nice, if misguided.
With a sigh, I texted Kristy back. Going anywhere was the last thing I wanted to do. I hit send, and my dad wandered out of Annika’s room. He took in my pajamas and messy hair.
“You should get out of here soon.” Dad shuffled papers I wasn’t supposed to read but spent a lot of energy gathering into a neat pile.
He thought the investigation was too dangerous. Some football players were hostile or aggressive when Dad spoke to them. Dad’s involvement jeopardized their futures.
Whoever helped Johnny put themselves in jeopardy. Every time I remembered what they’d done to Annika, I wanted to hit something. I’d been attending a lot of kickboxing classes since she was beaten and raped. I’d met every guy on the team. Annika knew them well—all of them—and they dumped her in an alley like a piece of trash.
“Who texted you?” Dad took his pen out of his pocket and scribbled a note off his phone.
“Kristy. A bunch of them are getting together tonight.”
“You going?”
“I don’t want to.”
“Natalie.” He glanced at me from his papers. “I only met Annika a few times, but she wouldn’t want you sitting here, afraid to live your life.”
“I’m not afraid, Dad. I’m pissed off. So, so angry.” And heartbroken, but I didn’t need that discussion.
“You haven’t showered in two days. That’s not anger.”
“Any progress?” I nodded at his notes.
He raised his eyebrows.
“Oh, come on.” I threw up my hands. “You can’t tell me if you’re getting anywhere? I have news for you, Dad. You leave enough stuff lying around I could read it myself.”
“You’re not a lawyer yet. You wouldn’t understand my shorthand.” He slouched into the couch.
I stared at him. Did he realize the internet existed, and I could search his shorthand codes? Not a mystery when I’ve got Google at my fingertips. I’d riffled through those papers a few times, phone clasped in hand, search engine at the ready. If I told him, he might actually be tidy.
“They’ll be bringing Johnny in for questioning this week. Truthfully, they have enough evidence to arrest him. But they want to figure out who helped him. I don’t disagree with their logic. The football players have closed ranks, and none of them are talking.” My dad sighed. “Have you spoken to Annika?”
“She said the night is a blank. Other than Johnny being the last thing she remembers, she’s not much of a witness.”
“Her documenting the instances of abuse was helpful.” He twirled his pen. “You tell her that?”
“I don’t remember telling her, but that’s something you’ve mentioned. So, I could have.”
“They might come after you to testify.”
“Me?” I wasn’t completely surprised.
“Establish a pattern for the abuse leading up to this incident.”
“Right.” I shifted on the couch. There had been a few heated conversations about my suspicions and how I handled them. “I’m going to my room.”
“You should text Kristy back. Get out. Do something that doesn’t have to do with this.” He gestured to his strewn paperwork.
“I’ll think about it.” I wandered to my bedroom and collapsed on the bed.
The day Sebastian left, I’d torn my sheets off and washed them. When I took them out of the dryer, I regretted my impulsive decision. No faint whiffs of his cologne. Then I burst into tears at the finality of it.
Instead of trying to evade him, I took the same routes to my classes. Testing fate. But I hadn’t once run into Sebastian. For the first time, he was avoiding me. Maybe our lack of contact was for the best. What could we say to each other? Even still, when I went to my class with a clear view of the stadium, I searched for him.
Sometimes, I caught a glimpse of a guy who bore a passing resemblance, and my heart kicked. But it was never him.
My phone pinged again. Kristy was certainly persistent. I turned it off and curled up on my bed for a nap. At least when I slept, I wasn’t thinking. My general philosophy—anything to avoid turning on my brain and my heart.
I woke to a familiar knock on my bedroom door. Familiar, but out of place.
“Claudia?” I asked, groggy.
She popped into my room, not waiting for an invitation. “Dad said you were in rough shape. You look homeless. Come on. Get up. We’ll go out. Buddy system. Text your friend. I brought bar clothes.” Claudia held up a bag. “You and I are sharing a bed tonight. Just like old times.” She grinned and then charged me, jumping on top of me when she landed on the bed.
“I’m not going out.” I tried to tug the covers over my head, but with Claudia sprawled out beside me, it was impossible. My sister’s enthusiasm was contagious, and my will to resist was weakening.
“You are. You really are. I’m not taking no for an answer. And neither will Kristy.”
I gave her a side-eye. “How do you know her name?”
Claudia laughed. “Dad. I met her last year when I came to visit. We exchanged numbers, but I never thought I’d get to use it. Made it easy-peasy to work out a plan. I’m not sure Dad realizes we’ll be going to a bar. He called it a girls’ night. He probably thinks we’re painting nails and eating cupcakes.” She rolled closer, so she was spooning me. “Come on. You secretly want to shower, smell pretty, put on makeup, and wear a kickass outfit. I brought you sexy clothes. For a change.”
I gave her a gentle punch to the arm. “I don’t want to go out.”
“Why not?”
What if there were football players there?
Or fans who didn’t realize Sebastian and I weren’t together and tried to talk to me about him? I was also afraid I wouldn’t see the most important player. My heart was in pieces, and I couldn’t decide if seeing him would stitch them back together or tatter them more. I shifted so we were facing each other.
“Sebastian?” Claudia asked.
“Yeah. Our breakup has been hard, Claudia.” She stared at me with her blue eyes so different from my brown ones. “Every time I think about him, about what’s happening, I either want to scream or cry. I tried for so long not to be with him, and now I’d give anything to have this go away so I could have him back.”
“Just because Dad wouldn’t understand doesn’t mean you can’t be with him, Nat.”
A dark chuckle escaped me before I could stop it. “If it was only Dad I had to worry about, it’d be fine. Dad’s worried the other players might be dangerous right now. National Championship is next week. Whoever helped Johnny doesn’t have a problem doing whatever they need to do to make sure they play that game.”
“Would they do something to you?”
“Dad’s the one pushing for Johnny to be investigated, questioned, arrested. None of them would touch me, but intimidate me? Yes, definitely. Make me feel unsafe? For sure. Could be any of them. That’s the scariest part. This season is a big deal to so many.”
“What would Sebastian do if a teammate came after you?”
“I don’t know. He loves me. He loves football. Right now, he can’t have both. His coach is in on it. Maybe the college. I have no clue how far the cover-up goes. Dad’s not worried about the spider web, only the spider.”
“Wow.”
“Apparently football is a big deal?” I said.
Claudia cracked a smile. “Who knew?”
“I wish I didn’t.”
“You regret Sebastian?”
I sighed. No matter how terrible this was right now, I couldn’t regret the connection we had. “No. No.” I sat up in the bed, the comforter pooling at my waist. “I regret Johnny McDade hearing Annika’s laugh the first night. She doesn’t even laugh like that anymore.”
We sat in silence with Claudia on her side, staring at me while I played with the edges of the covers.
“God, this is so fucking depressing.”
“Don’t let Dad hear you use that word,” I said.
“He left when I showed up. He wanted to give us space.” Shoving my shoulder, she hopped out of bed. “Operation make Natalie Ann feel better—well—maybe just different, is in full swing!”
I rolled my eyes, but I turned my phone on and checked the details of Kristy’s texts. Frequent football player locations were off-limits, so I was happy to see the all-ages bar she suggested. We’d never gone there with the team. I texted her back.
Reluctantly, I swung my legs over the side of the bed. From where I was sitting, Claudia’s bag brimmed with things that sparkled. I sighed.
There was only one thing to be done.
“Claudia, grab the tequila. I need to pre-drink hard or I won’t go. I cannot face this sober anymore.”
“Done and done.” She rushed out of my room.
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d stood in line to get drunk. It might have been at the frat house, and even then we’d been waved in early. The memory made me shiver. When I’d been going out with the football team, we never paid cover, and we never waited in line. Now, I was back to freezing my ass off to pay ten dollars for the privilege of getting drunker. I was well on the way.
Ah, tequila. My long-lost friend.
“This sucks.” Claudia shivered beside me.
“Tell me about it.” I took my flask out and passed it to her. It had also been a while since my lovely flask had needed to make an appearance. So far, I hated everything about this night.
Once we entered the bar, I missed the openness of Gabby’s. This place was claustrophobic with the strobe lighting, the crush of bodies, and the packed dance floor. Why was it so busy? Was it always this busy? I hadn’t been here since my freshman year.
Claudia grabbed my hand and dragged me to the bar. She got us drinks while I texted Kristy to figure out where she was camped out in the crowd.
“Bring me two drinks,” I called to Claudia when the bartender came over. I was focused on Kristy’s reply.
“Natalie?” The familiar voice was audible over the din of the crowd.
My heart froze. I glanced over my shoulder to Gabby’s quizzical expression from behind the cramped bar. I swallowed the dryness in my throat, grabbed the shot of tequila off the counter, and tilted it back.
“You work here now?” I shouted over the noise.
“Yeah. My old boss didn’t want the football guys there after everything hit the press. So—new job. I’m here Saturdays and Sundays.” She searched my face for a minute. “You doing okay?” She poured another shot and passed it to me.
“Fan-fucking-tastic, Gabby.” I threw it back and returned the glass to her. Other people were watching our exchange with interest. Having dated and hung around the football team, I wasn’t anonymous amongst this crowd. “Are they coming?”
She bit her lip. “Troy is, but that’s it. The coach has them on a firm lockdown with everything happening.”
I hated how she reduced Annika’s abuse to everything happening. Johnny raped and beat Annika. He hadn’t done it alone. I wanted her to say the words, to make it clear the football team understood what had happened, the depth of betrayal they committed. For months Annika had been one of them, and they dumped her in an alley.
Claudia tugged on my arm. “Come on. Let’s go see Kristy.”
Annoyance flickered in me, and I jerked away. “I’m fine. I can get there on my own.”
“But I can’t,” Claudia said. “I don’t know where they are.”
I weaved through the crowd, pushing people out of the way until we got to Kristy and the group of girls she came with.
“Whoa,” she said as soon as she saw me. “You look like you’re asking for a fight.”
“I’m hoping if I get drunk I won’t have any fight left in me.” After I sipped more of my mixed drink, I realized I should have told Claudia to order me a beer. According to her, short skirts and sparkly low-cut tops equaled too sweet drinks.
“How are you doing?” Kristy’s fingers gripped her straw and guided it to her lips while she raised her eyebrows at me.
“Terrible. You?” I took the straw out of my drink and gulped it back.
Claudia swung her arm around my shoulders. “FYI, Kristy. It’s polite to ask. But we’re keeping Nat focused on anything but how she’s feeling tonight. Oh—and like—no football or any of that shit either. Let’s talk about shoes, shopping, whose skirt is shortest.”
I looped my arm around her waist. She was a little fuzzy. This was good. This was really good. “Thanks, Claudia,” I said, meaning it.
She kissed my temple. “You’re my big sis. I gotta look out for you.”
I laughed. “It’s supposed to be the other way around.”
Claudia hip checked me. “You’ve done that for me more than I’ve done this for you. I’ve never seen you so down before.”
“I wish I wasn’t like this.” I drained my second drink. “Anyone need another?” I raised my empty cup. Another bar, one that didn’t have Gabby working it, was behind us. Being at the back of the club meant it was less crowded.
Everyone in our group avoided meeting my eyes. Fine. No one else wanted to get as drunk as me. Whatever. I wandered to the bar.
Coming here was a mistake. I was in no shape to be with people.
While I waited in line, my money clutched in my hand, the first wave of nausea hit me. I wobbled and someone steadied me. I glanced at the guy but didn’t recognize him.
“Natalie, right?” He smiled.
I nodded.
“You’re Sebastian Swan’s girlfriend?”
“Was,” I mumbled, stepping forward to order.
He slid in beside
me. “Was?”
“We broke up,” I said, not looking at him as I waited.
“I’m Jake.” He held out his hand for me to shake.
I tossed my money on the bar, grabbed both my drinks, and gave him a lopsided smile. “And I’m leaving. Have a good night, Jake.”
Pushing through the crowd, I passed Claudia her drink. Tipping up my beer, another wave of nausea hit. I shoved my bottle into Claudia’s hand.
“I gotta—oh, God. Alley.” I pointed and rushed for the emergency exit.
Claudia followed behind me a moment later. In the alley, with my eyes closed, I hyperventilated, sick from more than the alcohol.
I let Annika down. I saw the signs in Johnny, and I let her down. Somehow, I should have done more.
“You gotta find a better way to deal with this, Nat,” Claudia said.
“You have no idea. You can’t possibly understand.” Sebastian’s grin and hazel eyes flashed behind my eyelids. Annika’s battered body in the backseat of Clay’s car.
“Then tell me,” Claudia said.
“Natalie Chapman,” a voice drawled from the alley.
My blood ran cold. I glanced over my shoulder to see Theo and Johnny striding toward us.
“We need to go back in.” Panic shot through me in a million tiny pinpricks, sobering me in an instant. “Back in. Back in.”
She yanked on the door, but it was locked. Her expression turned helpless and scared.
“It’s Johnny,” I whispered before facing him and Theo.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
“Must be my lucky day.” Johnny stopped a few feet from me and Claudia. “Meeting you and your hot friend in a dark alley. What do you think, Theo? Is this a stroke of luck or what?” He smirked. “I haven’t had much freedom lately, what with your dad hounding me and my friends day and night.”
I shoved Claudia behind me. There was no way I’d let him touch my sister without a fight, even if I was too drunk for this confrontation.
“Remind me again. When was the last time you were in an alley with a woman?” I asked.
Johnny smirked. “I was so sorry to hear about you and Sebastian.” His smile was sly. “Though I’m not sure the woman in his room last night shared my sadness.” His gaze traveled over my body in a leisurely way. “She reminded me of a prettier more pleasant version of you, actually.”
Saving Us: A novel of love and friendship (Northern University Book 1) Page 23
