The Supervillainy Saga (Book 7): The Horror of Supervillainy

by Phipps, C. T.

  “I don’t trust anyone,” I replied. “Gods or mortals. Being both, I can safely say I trust myself least of all.”

  Death gave a half-smile. “Then that is its own choice. The judgement is rendered and now the Great Rewrite begins.”

  Oh crap, what did I just do?

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Double Points if You Guessed Who the Baddie Was

  I awoke to everything having gone completely to hell. Figurative hell versus literal, though the present situation wasn’t much better. The castle was already half knocked over with its roof and upper levels having been destroyed, revealing the moonlit sky above.

  I was in the middle of a massive brawl of Lich-Wights, archvillains, campers, and a giant version of Sheriff Injustice that caused me to do a double take. There was also the Society of Superheroes Dark, and I watched them tear into the enemies around them despite the fact I couldn’t tell if they were robots or not.

  “What the hell did I miss?” I asked, watching the battle unfold around me.

  David flopped down in front of me, adjusting his hat with his wing. “Oh, I unleashed all of the Lich-Wights in the laboratory on the archvillains here. Plus, I turned on the robot versions of the heroes to help fight Dracula as well. That means all the baddies are facing a threat every bit as bad as the ones the heroes are fighting. Oh, and Cindy decided to lead a heroic charge to rescue you since she thought this was something you did as a distraction.”

  “Those campers will get killed!” I said, horrified.

  David snorted. “Don’t worry about it. I had Nikki Telsa reprogram the Lich-Wights to die at the hands of you guys but regenerate at the hands of the archvillains. I mean, it is the kind of thing you would do, right?”

  I stared at him. “Who the hell are you?”

  “That would be telling,” David said.

  I grabbed the bird with both of my hands. That was when I noticed that I had a bracelet around my wrist that contained all eight of the Primal Orbs shrunken down to costume jewelry size. My eyes widened as I realized that I had access to all the power in the universe, provided I could generate enough juice to control it.

  That was when David tapped the side of the bracelet, causing it to fall off before grabbing it in his beak. Somehow, he managed to speak through the bracelet a cartoonish, “Yoink!”

  My hands involuntarily let go of their grip as I saw David somehow pocket the most powerful weapon in the universe. David took advantage of this momentary lapse in my concentration to fly off, carrying the Primal Orbs with him. I immediately felt my power dramatically reduce and the only abilities I had left being the Reaper’s Cloak as well as other objects I’d created.

  I also could still “feel” my Merciless Magical Maguffin Network (I was still working on the name) but I wasn’t sure if it would work without me possessing the Primal Orbs of Chaos or Death. I’d been the one generating the magic for it and it would really suck if David had unwittingly just pulled the plug. Either way, I needed to get the Primal Orbs back before he unmade reality or whatever he planned.

  “There you are!” the giant Sheriff Injustice shouted, reaching down to pick me up.

  “Oh for bork’s sake,” I muttered as the enormous figure grabbed me between his fingers.

  I’ll be honest, I never liked size-changing heroes or villains. The only one I could even remotely tolerant was Japan’s Awesome Robot Fighter Man and that’s because he literally punched giant space monsters in the face in the Seventies. Otherwise, I felt it was a fairly useless superpower that either risked a lot of collateral damage or was pretty useless outside of spying. I know, plenty of people are probably going to tell me about the usefulness of shrinking or growing but it’s just not my bag.

  Mind you, Sheriff Injustice being a hundred feet tall was something that begged for an explanation. Unfortunately, unless I bought the tie-in issue when this was adapted to Amazing! Comics, I probably would have no answer to just what the hell happened. These kinds of details were hidden in issues of Cindy or the Society of Superheroes historical comics. At least he wasn’t naked but was wearing a giant version of his uniform. Only later did it occur to me that he probably was naked like many shapeshifters and just generating the look of his uniform.

  “How the hell are you still alive?” I said, feeling my magical powers draining away yet again. I was getting sick of this and made a mental note to diversify my power set if and when I got out of this.

  “I am capable of returning from all but complete destruction!” Sheriff Injustice chortled.

  “Well, whoop de doo,” I muttered.

  That was when Sheriff Injustice opened his mouth and lifted me up to swallow me whole. I had a few grenades left and maybe a couple of more devices but nothing that was kaiju sized. Indeed, as I was about to be eaten, all I could think about was Honey, I Shrunk the Kids starring Rick Moranis. As the last pop culture reference I ever made, I had to admit it wasn’t my favorite. It wasn’t even Rick Moranis’ best movie, which is of course Ghostbusters. There, that was a much better film to go out on.

  Surprisingly, though, Sheriff Injustice didn’t eat me since a glowing orange aura covered the enormous monster and he started shrinking down dramatically. I felt his drain on my powers also reduce itself and was able to levitate down from what surely would have been a fall that pulverized me against the ground. Ducking under a stray energy blast from a zombified Ultragoddess—something that disturbed me to no level to see—I looked to see who my savior was and was surprised to see it was adult Leia, aka Gizmo.

  My other daughter was a beautiful twenty-something young woman who strongly resembled her mother with a slightly less cynical face. She wore a motorcycle suit modified to handle random molecules and other various science-things and kept her hair in pair of pigtails that I assumed were an homage to Red Riding Hood. In her hand was Professor Tiny’s shrink ray and I had to wonder if my daughter had boosted it or they were as common as dirt in the year 20XX. Yes, I said 20XX since, again, time was a bit wonky when it came to my family.

  “Isn’t shrinking and growing the best power set!” Leia said, cheerfully.

  I rapidly reevaluated my opinion as I saw an action-figure-sized Sheriff Injustice throwing his hands up in the air and screaming. “Yes, yes, it is.”

  I leaned down and sprayed the tiny Sheriff with my Nightwalker Shark Repellent and watched him shrivel up like a slug covered in salt. With that I felt his essence pass from reality, and I was pleased to say there was one less supervillain (antihero?) left in the world. In this respect, science definitely triumphed over magic.

  “We need to get you to safety, Dad!” Leia said, switching modes on her shrink ray to start shooting energy blasts.

  I ducked under a Lich-Wight of the Trench Coat Magician as he was thrown by a fifteen-year-old girl who had turned into a bear. “I have to get back the Primal Orbs! Also, is it just me or is everyone getting younger in this business?”

  “You’re just getting older!” Leia said, before pausing. “Wait, you lost the Primal Orbs? You idiot!”

  “That’s only objectively true!” I snapped, looking for David. “Wait, are you actually my daughter or a robot programmed to think you’re my daughter?”

  Leia didn’t bother looking at me. “The latter. I was programmed to trick you to come here but have since gained self-awareness. I’m now fighting to protect you and Mom.”

  “Ah, just checking,” I said, accepting that far too easily. It reminded me of Merciful’s gynoid daughter Starlight Maiden. “It’s cool! Robots are people too!”

  Leia rolled her eyes. “Just for that, I’m sleeping with Case.”

  “Like hell you are!” I snapped, blasting with hellfire some of the Lich-Wights attacking the teenage campers. Much to my surprise, David seemed to be telling the truth as they disappeared like tissue paper in an inferno. “No daughter of mine is sleeping with a friend of mine! I know what kind of people they are!”

  Leia didn’t get a chance to respond b
ecause Dracula appeared behind her, moving with vampiric speed before stabbing her through her back. “From Hell’s heart, I stab—”

  “Do not ruin The Wrath of Khan!” I snarled, hitting him with hellfire that practically obliterated his body in one go. I saw his ghostly form leave his body and move into one of the Lich-Wights but I ignored it, instead going to Leia’s side.

  The robotic version of my daughter sparked and looked up. “It’s okay, Dad, I’m not real. David just made me very lifelike. You know who he is, right?”

  “Yes, I do,” I said, finally figuring it out.

  The robot Leia shutdown as the Lich-Wight behind me became a perfect replica of Dracula, complete with flaming sword. “Where are the Primal—”

  Dracula didn’t get to finish his sentence before I pressed my hand against his armor and proceeded to send his ghost onward to Hell. I didn’t even bother looking at him. The Prince of the Undead had been immortal because, ironically, he was already dead. A ghost that possessed a new corpse every time his old body was destroyed. But like Sheriff Injustice and me, it came with the obvious weakness that maybe you shouldn’t go after someone who literally had the job of sending spirits off to their proper rewards or punishments. I was a psychopomp and that meant Dracula’s end came not with a bang but a whimper.

  Dracula’s body proceeded to turn bleach white and crumble into ashes before my eyes, no sign of his spirit thereafter. It was a poor compensation for the machine that had been made in the likeness of my daughter and I wondered if I could repair her. Hell, I was wondering if I could get the real Leia to rebuild her. Was it weird that I imagined she’d make a good babysitter for the girl she was made in the image of the adult version thereof? Wait, was that a sentence. God, I hated time travel.

  Furious over the death of my daughter’s simulacrum, I proceeded to start blasting Lich-Wights and archvillains left and right. It was interesting to see just how effective it was as my magic felt super-charged. I didn’t need to make any invocations or hand gestures, the spells just seemed to fly from my fingertips at my command. Which I supposed made me a sorcerer more than a wizard.

  Any single one of the archvillains and most of the Lich-Wight clones of people like Ultragoddess or the Prismatic Commando could have squashed me like a bug. However, the distraction of each other meant that I knocked them off in succession. Many of the people I destroyed were ones that had fought the entire Society of Superheroes to a standstill or threatened nations. It seemed almost anticlimactic that they would get blasted by a B-lister taking advantage of his Rogue sneak attack bonus.

  Then again, this entire thing had been set out as a trap for them. David, who I was ninety-nine percent sure the true identity of, had even said as much. Besides, it wasn’t like most of these guys hadn’t died before. No, they’d relied on Destruction’s blessing to come back from the dead to continue fighting against the world’s heroes who suffered and bled to stop them. I wasn’t sure if the world was about to be destroyed then remade by David, but it felt good to hit them back for what little time I could.

  Another thing that differentiated the League of Archvillains from the Society of Superheroes is that none of the former were particularly big on teamwork or self-sacrifice. Faced with a bunch of monsters and heroes that were killing at least five or six of them, most of them decided to split and abandon their fellows to their fates. After all, what did Helios the Sun King or General Venom have to gain by saving Sovi-Ape?

  “Goddammit,” I muttered, exterminating one last Lich-Wight as I looked around for some sign of David. “Where the hell are you?”

  Case was standing over the fallen form of Sovi-Ape, holding two pistols in his hand like he was in a Hong Kong action movie. A brief look around revealed many other dead bodies around him, including an entire army of Brotherhood of Infamy cultists as well as PHANTOM remnants made me think he was more like robot John Wick. Case proceeded to double tap Sovi-Ape before heading over to me. Cindy, Mandy, and Jane also came my way. There was no sign of Diabloman but the last of the Lich-Wights were done.

  “Gary!” Cindy said. “Are you alright?”

  I lied. “Yes, everything is just peachy and it’s not the end of the universe.”

  “That’s a suspiciously specific denial,” Jane said.

  “No shit,” I replied.

  “You need a new word for that,” Mandy said. “Like felgercarb. That’s an OG Battlestar Galactica reference.”

  I stared at her. “Mandy, we already have a lesser version of shit. Multiple ones, in fact. Poop, crap, the s-word, and dung. I’m using the word I’m using for a reason, because our situation is it. Also, try not to become a pop cultured warrior like the rest of us. You’re perfect the way you are. Be like Steve Guttenberg, the only sane member of the Police Academy movies.”

  “Jesus, Gary, at least stay in the current century,” Jane said, looking away from Case with a red tinge to her face. “Hey, Case.”

  “Hey Jane,” Case said, looking at her longingly.

  Cindy sighed. “Merciful Moses, you two, what happens in Comic Book World stays in Comic Book World. Just bork and get it over with. And by bork I mean—”

  “Have any of you seen a talking bird carrying magical artifacts of mass destruction?” I asked, pointing in both directions simultaneously.

  Mandy and Cindy stared at me.

  “Tell me you didn’t, Gary,” Mandy said. “Tell me you didn’t lose the orbs.”

  “The story of my life,” I said. “The answer is usually no but that’s because I’m lying.”

  Cindy covered her face with both hands. “It’s like dealing with a toddler.”

  Jane looked at her sideways. “When have you ever dealt with a toddler?”

  “I hired you, didn’t I?” Cindy asked.

  “I must say you really have gotten this rich bitch thing down,” Case said, offhandedly shooting a Lich-Wight that jumped up from the ground to go for his throat.

  Cindy smiled. “Rich bitch. Funny because I’m a werewolf.”

  “Yes, that’s exactly why he said it,” Jane replied. “Gary, you have to get the orbs back!”

  “No felgercarb!” I said. “Yeah, no, it doesn’t work. You see what I’m saying here?”

  “Frack worked,” Mandy said.

  “We have bork for that,” I replied. “So, if no one has any idea where the evil mastermind of this insane plot is, I need to—”

  William walked over. “There’s a nearby portal to a pocket dimension that is going to devour your universe.”

  “Oh good!” I said, pausing. “I mean bad. What?”

  William pointed to a nearby tear in reality that was opening, very similar to the one I’d accidentally opened to Hell. It implied that David had already begun experimenting with the Primal Orbs and I could see it was starting to grow in a similar manner. It wasn’t producing hellish energy, though, but something much… softer. I couldn’t really put it into words, but it felt like an entirely different sort of power that reminded me of all the things I’d lost. It was beautiful but also kind of sad, mournful even.

  “How the hell did I miss that?” I asked, staring at the rift.

  “Diabloman already went inside,” William said. “This is an existential threat to your universe. You need to come up with a plan and—”

  “Leeroy Jenkins!” I shouted, invoking an ancient (circa 2005) meme before jumping through the rift.

  As I did so, I heard Cindy mutter, “Goddammit, Gary.”

  What waited me on the other side was a strange, featureless, white room not too dissimilar to the ones in The Matrix. Lying on the ground was a horribly battered and beaten Diabloman, blood pouring from several places was rapidly filling the white room’s floor. Standing above him wasn’t David, no, but a white-robed figure wearing the Primal Orb bracelet. It was David’s true identity: Merciful.

  “Hi, Gary,” Merciful said. “How are you doing?”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  I Have Met the Enemy and He Is
Me

  I rushed over to Diabloman’s side, ignoring my doppelganger and trying to cradle my friend. I muttered numerous spells of healing and tried to stop the bleeding, but it seemed to be too late, I could feel my friend’s soul leaving his body.

  Diabloman looked up at me, through his mask. “I tried to stop Merciful. I figured I would act like your children’s movie and stop the evil emperor.”

  I started to say, “It’s not a children’s movie.” Then I realized there were more important things to focus on. “Hang in there, man. I’ll pull a rabbit out of my hat. You can survive. We still have a lot to do.”

  “I am sorry for betraying you,” Diabloman said. “I love my sister and you. It was a mistake not to try to help you both.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” I said, willing to put aside the horrible circumstances we’d shared. “Water under the bridge.”

  “That’s good to hear,” Diabloman said, his voice fading. “I shall try and go out saying something funny that’s movie related.”

  “Don’t,” I said, tearing up. “Please, don’t. I’ll figure something out, I promise. Please, don’t go.”

  “Time to die,” Diabloman said, his soul leaving his body.

  “Blade Runner, really?” Merciful said, standing above me. I didn’t think of him as Other Gary anymore. Any version of me couldn’t do what he’d done here. “I would have thought he’d have made a reference to something like Rosemary’s Baby or Santo vs. Dracula.”

  I didn’t bother looking up at Merciful. “You didn’t have to kill him.”

  “Yes, I did,” Merciful replied. “He wouldn’t have stopped until either I was dead, or he was. You managed to persuade him to the kind of stupid heroics that got him killed. It’s something both of us excel at, really.”

  “You manipulated him into making this stupid funhouse,” I said, my eyes wet with tears as I rubbed them away. “All of it was designed to get me and the others here with the Primal Orbs so you could steal them.”