When I'm Gone

by Jaxson Kidman

He was there for me and with me.

  My stay at the hospital was an extra couple of days longer than I thought it would be, but I wanted to make sure that everyone knew that my lack of judgement that one night wasn’t something I planned on doing again. Even if I didn’t admit that it was something I had thought about and wanted to have happen. The second Kace threatened to step off that roof first, it changed me. The way my heart pounded, and the visions of him falling and getting hurt changed everything in my head.

  I confessed what the night meant to me. How the emotion and memories caught up with me and led to a series of bad choices. The whole taking pills thing was not my style Then or now. Or ever. It was a fleeting thing that came to me and I went with it. And I regretted it, only in the sense that Kace allowed himself to be dragged into it.

  The reason why wasn’t exactly clear yet.

  But I needed to take one step at a time.

  I was able to leave the hospital at my own will. I had a business card in my pocket for the doctor who spent quite a few hours talking to me. She made me promise her that I would call and make an appointment. I already knew that I would casually forget to make that appointment and just live life as I always did. First thing would be to find another job. I wasn’t going back to work at that restaurant. I had no intention of going back into that restaurant ever in my life.

  Or so I thought…

  “I can give you a ride home,” Kace said. “Unless you want to call someone else.”

  I considered it. Maria had stopped by once for a visit and I played everything off. I made her leave and told her I would let her know when I was getting out. Maria was a decent enough friend to be there and care, but not enough to pursue me when I needed it the most. Which was both good and bad.

  Which meant I could either call Maria and wait, or just let Kace give me a ride.

  “Yeah, sure,” I said. “I guess I need a lift home.”

  “It’s been a few days, huh?” Kace asked.

  “Consider it an unplanned vacation.”

  “I don’t know. A hospital visit is a vacation?”

  “All things considered…”

  I looked at him.

  Why did I trust him?

  Maybe because he was the only one who saw me. Truly saw me. He hadn’t asked me any hard questions, other than the one about me wanting to hurt myself. My answer had been simple and true, but there was a lot that led up to that decision.

  “Let’s get out of here,” he said.

  “I’m actually a little hungry.”

  “I doubt you’ll want more of the cafeteria food. We can hit something on the ride home.”

  “A restaurant?” I asked.

  “No. Drive-thru.”

  “I like your way of thinking.”

  Kace grinned. “Nothing like a greasy burger and fries to help soothe the soul.”

  “Chocolate milkshake?”

  “Now you’re pushing it, Sienna. I barely know you.”

  He made me laugh.

  I reached for his hand. “Hey. I don’t even know where to start. With thanking you.”

  Kace gently tugged his hand away and touched my cheek. “No need, darlin’. And even if there was a need, not here. Believe it or not, I’m actually sick of this place myself. I’ve been staring at that same painting for hours. Days. Maybe years…”

  He nodded and I looked to the painting on the wall. It was of a field of yellow and purple flowers with a red barn in the distance with two large white silos.

  “It’s driving me crazy,” Kace said.

  “Why?”

  “It’s like a moment in suspense, Sienna. I keep staring and waiting for something to change.”

  “It’s a painting, not a TV.”

  “I know that.”

  “So why would it change?” I asked.

  “You’re stubborn, aren’t you?”

  “How?”

  “You’re so literal. I’ve been looking at that stupid thing for hours and it’s been playing tricks on my mind. Show a little sympathy.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Right. I’m sorry the barn scares you.”

  “I didn’t say it scares me.”

  “You implied it.”

  “Can we leave now?”

  “You’re the one worried about the painting. Do you want one of those? Are you secretly a painter? Some kind of romantic artist?”

  “Actually, I sort of am,” he said.

  “What?”

  Kace winked. “You have a lot to learn about me, don’t you?”

  Color rushed to my cheeks.

  I did have a lot to learn when it came to Kace. Only because he was mostly a complete stranger to me.

  A stranger that I was more comfortable with than everyone else in my life.

  Which was sad. Maybe.

  I didn’t miss the hospital as we exited it side by side. I didn’t even look back either. My eyes were straight ahead as Kace led the way to his truck. He opened the passenger door for me and helped me up inside as though I was actually hurting. Believe me, physically, I was fine. Emotionally… that was something else.

  When Kace climbed into the truck and started it, I wasted no time in turning to look at him.

  “Do you really paint or something?”

  “Yes,” he said.

  He put the truck in reverse.

  “So tell me about it.”

  “Could we talk about you for a second?”

  “No,” I said. “All I’ve done is talk about me.”

  He looked at me. “Right.” He put the truck into drive and navigated through the busy parking lot toward the exit.

  It took him a minute before he started talking.

  “I fix up junk and sell it,” he said. “It’s a hobby that’s sort of become a job.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yeah.”

  “What kind of junk?”

  “Junk…” Kace shrugged his shoulders. “Junk, junk. Like an old mirror. I can take that and strip and sand the wooden frame down and refinish it. Take something old that I find at a flea market or a yard sale and turn it into something beautiful.”

  “Wow. That sounds amazing.”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m a waitress. Wait. Let me correct that. An unemployed waitress.”

  “Unemployed?” he asked.

  “Don’t ask,” I said.

  He didn’t. It was like he knew right when to keep asking questions and when to stop.

  Going home was interesting.

  It wasn’t like I was in an accident and I was returning home at the grace of a miracle. And that people were waiting for me. Or that my apartment had been cleaned by someone as a way to help out. In fact, when I opened the door to the apartment, I felt embarrassed because of the smell. Not just because the neighbors and the thin walls allowed all the smells to gather in my apartment, but because I hadn’t been home and the garbage had been sitting there for days. Even though I was embarrassed, I still let Kace in. What the hell did I care? This guy wanted to see the real me, fine.

  “This is my place,” I said.

  “Nice,” he said as he lingered back near the door. “Do you need anything?”

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know. I’m just offering.”

  “Kace. Why?”

  “Why what?”

  “Just why? You don’t know me. I don’t know you. You find me on the roof one night, and then a week later, you save me from hurting myself. You wait at the hospital for me. You drive me home. It’s like… like you know me or something.”

  “I’m just helping.”

  “The strange thing is, it’s not all that weird for me.”

  “Okay,” Kace said. “Maybe I should ask you why.”

  “No,” I said. “I want to know why you did this for me.”

  “I already told you why. Because you were alone. Both times I found you, you were alone. You were alone enough to want to hurt yourself.”

  “I made a bad choic
e, Kace. That was it. I took some pills I shouldn’t have.”

  “You said to me that you-”

  “It doesn’t matter what I said in the hospital. I’m perfectly fine, Kace. I’m home. I have things to do.”

  “Is this you asking me to leave?”

  “No. I just don’t understand what else you need to do here,” I said.

  “Right.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be mean. I’m just tired. Sleeping in a hospital sucks.”

  “Yeah, I know,” Kace said.

  Of course. You slept there that first night. In a chair. Sitting up. Next to my hospital bed.

  I walked toward him. I saw the look in his eyes. The one begging for the story. The whole story. Pieces of me that I’d never shared with anyone else.

  “I’m sorry for any trouble I caused you,” I said. “I hope the cops leave you alone.”

  “I think I’m good,” he said.

  “I had a bad night, okay? Some bad stuff happened and I let it get to me.”

  “Just one night, huh?”

  “Yeah,” I said, lying. “My boss threw food at me.”

  “What?”

  “Yeah. The restaurant I worked at. The owner’s daughter would sometimes show up. She’s a horrible person. She didn’t like my hair. I was holding a full tray of food and she purposely threw it at me. She hit it and the food covered me. That’s what set all that off.”

  “Just that, huh?”

  “Kace. Stop.”

  He nodded. “Well, I’m sorry that happened to you. Nobody should have that kind of stuff happen. I guess I’ll take off then. You’re home. You feel safe?”

  “I’m good.”

  “Okay. If you need anything, Sienna, let me know.”

  “Tell me something, Kace. Stop with the good guy routine. Stop with the hero thing. You jumped into the fire. Why?”

  “Maybe because I know how it feels,” he said. “To be alone and feel like nobody cares. I was on a date, Sienna. A first date, actually. I was walking back to my truck with her and the next thing I know, I’m looking up and there you are. Standing on the edge of a roof, looking like you’re going to fall. So I ran to help you. Because something told me, and still tells me, that even if you meant to do that, you’d probably regret it.”

  “What if I told you I don’t feel any regret?”

  “Then I guess I’m just a total jerk for helping you out.”

  I could have said something to ease the sudden tension, but I didn’t.

  I watched as Kace opened the door of the apartment and started to inch back. At the last possible second, I dove forward and reached for him. I missed him, clutching at just air, stumbling out of my own apartment after him.

  “Wait. Kace.”

  He turned to face me. “Yeah?”

  “I’m sorry for that. You saved me. I don’t know how to thank you.”

  “You already said that to me.”

  “I know. I’m serious. I’m just…” I put up a finger and ran back into my apartment. I got paper and a pen and gave them to Kace.

  “What’s this for?”

  “Your number.”

  “My number?” he asked. “Shouldn’t I be the one getting your number?”

  “We’ve kind of done things backwards so far,” I said, shrugging my shoulders.

  “Right,” he said. He started to scribble on the paper and he folded it up. “If you do need anything, Sienna, let me know. I’m sorry I can’t answer your questions the way you want. I saw you in trouble and I wanted to help. Why? I just did. I hope you are okay. If not, call me.”

  I took the piece of paper from him.

  I thought about just letting him leave, but decided against it. Not without…

  I jumped at him and gave him a hug.

  My mind and body began to pick everything out. The way my head fit against his chest perfectly. The way my hands wrapped around his body, feeling nothing but muscle. The way he hugged me back, gently, but with the suggestion that he could easily pick me up if need be. The smell of his shirt. The feel of his shirt. The feel of his hard chest.

  I broke the hug and moved to the very tips of my toes, and barely managed to plant a quick kiss on his jaw line. It was a total miss for the sweet kiss on the cheek that I had hoped to give.

  “Thank you,” I said.

  “Sure,” Kace said.

  He left and I went back inside to my apartment.

  I was alone. Again.

  I shut the door and unfolded the piece of paper, wondering if he actually gave me his number.

  He did.

  And there was a little note under it.

  The barn scared me. Don’t tell anyone.

  I smiled.

  That became laughter.

  I covered my mouth and clutched the piece of paper tightly.

  I put my back against the door as I laughed so loudly.

  It only last a few seconds.

  When silence fell again, my back slid against the door as I sat down.

  That’s when I started to cry.

  Chapter Five

  No Check, Please

  Kace

  I dipped the paint roller into the maroon colored paint and started to slap the second and final coat onto the wall.

  “This is going to be one dark room,” I said.

  “That’s what she wants, man,” Mack said.

  “As long as the check clears,” I replied.

  Work for me had slowed a little, so I was helping Mack with some side work when he needed it. It kept my hands busy. And it kept my mind busy. I wasn’t sure if Sienna was actually going to call me or not, but she did. We talked on the phone a few times but hadn’t met up since I dropped her off at her apartment. I couldn’t get it out of my head though. Whatever it was, I had this dumb vision of being there for her. Helping her get back on her feet. Figuring out what actually happened that night.

  “You okay over there?” Mack asked.

  “Yeah, why?”

  “You’ve painted the same part four times now.”

  I stopped and stepped back. “Shit. Sorry. I’m a little tired.”

  “Ah, okay. A little one-nighter hanging over your head?”

  “What? No.”

  “Nobody rolled up in your sheets at home?” Mack asked.

  “No. I haven’t…”

  “Oh,” Mack said. “So this is the opposite. You’re not worn down. You’re backed up.”

  I laughed. “That’s one way of putting it.”

  “That doesn’t seem like you, Kace. What’s going on?”

  “Nothing. Just life shit.”

  “Life shit. You don’t do life shit. You fix shit up and sell it. Anytime life gets in the way, you shrug it off.”

  “I am shrugging it off.”

  “What are you shrugging off? Is it because there’s no work?”

  “No,” I said. “That’s partly my own doing. I’m not really looking for anything.”

  “So what is it?”

  “You remember that night at Archie’s place, I went up to the roof?”

  “Hell yeah I do. I hung out with Jane until closing and then took her home.”

  “I thought she took you home.”

  “Either way, it was a good night.”

  “Yeah. Right. There was this woman on the roof that I met. A week later she ended up in the hospital. Strange part was that I helped her. That night. Both nights I think. I was with her at the hospital. She… got messed up and hit her head. Almost walked right off the roof and killed herself.”

  “Shit,” Mack said. “Who is she?”

  “That’s the thing. I don’t know anything about her. I just kind of jumped in to save her. And I can’t stop thinking about it. I helped her get home and…”

  “Oh, fuck, man,” Mack said. “I know what you’re doing.”

  “Yeah, I know. Me too.”

  “You can’t compare things, Kace. Are you worried about her?”

  “That’s the thing
… I am. I keep thinking about it. If I hadn’t been there to save her. If I don’t do more now. I’m not usually like this.”

  “No, this isn’t like you. I mean, you could never paint a wall for shit.” he grinned.

  I looked back and saw the obvious spot where I had painted the wall too much. “Thanks for that, Mack.”

  “No problem,” he said. “I don’t know what to tell you. You always have a plan in life, Kace. You always just do your thing. If she matters, stranger or not, you’ll just do your thing. Right?”

  I nodded. “Yeah.”

  I turned and went back to work.

  I finished painting the wall and decided to leave Mack hanging on the rest of the job. I told him to keep whatever he was going to give to me as payment. There was something I wanted to do.

  After I got a shower and a fresh change of clothes, I took a chance and drove to Sienna’s place. Showing up unannounced was a risky thing, but I knocked on the door and didn’t give a damn. I wasn’t even sure that she was home until the door opened.

  Sienna stood there in a baggy sweatshirt, showing off her left shoulder and a thin black strap of whatever tank top she wore under it. She was in baggy sweatpants and her hair was pulled back in a messy bun. She had the whole sexy relaxed and sleepy kind of look to her. It made my fists ball up tight as I gritted my teeth.

  “Kace?” she asked. “Did you call me?”

  “No,” I said. “Sorry. I just wanted to swing by.”

  “You smell good,” she said. “You smell really clean.”

  “I just took a shower,” I said. “I was working today with a friend. Painting.”

  “Oh. Okay. Is everything okay?”

  “Actually, it’s not.”

  “Okay.”

  “I can’t stop thinking about you,” I said. “What happened. And maybe it’s not my business and that’s fine. But it wasn’t just a bad night, Sienna. It was a lot of bad nights and days that led to that moment. I’m not looking for an award or anything, but I just want you to know the real reason why I saved you.”

  “Okay,” she said again. Her cheeks were flushed. Her pretty hazel eyes were wide. “Tell me.”

  “My best friend committed suicide when we were thirteen. Everything that happened, I could have stopped. But I didn’t. I didn’t pay attention in the right way until it was too late.”

  “Oh, Kace,” Sienna said. “I’m so sorry. I…”