When I'm Gone

by Jaxson Kidman

  I heard the rumble of Kace’s truck.

  He pulled right up to me and smiled.

  It made me bite my lip again as I opened the door and slid across the seat.

  The light in the truck was on and I saw how messy Kace looked. His hands were roughed up and dirty. His t-shirt was filled with his strong body and had stains and rips all over it.

  “Busy day?” I asked.

  “Yeah. Big project. I’m refinishing a really old dresser. Been sanding and staining it. Every little curve and nook. It’s a pain in the ass, Sienna. I got frustrated and decided to go for a ride.”

  “Where are we going?” I asked.

  “You’ll see.”

  I should have known where we were going.

  He took me to The Wethen House. Or at least as close as he could get to it. The property was lined with an old, rusted fence, almost like the kind you’d see surrounding a cemetery. The front gates were tall and heavy, the right side slightly crooked.

  “Wait here,” he said and he got out of the truck.

  I put my hands on the dashboard and watched in awe as he pushed open the crooked side of the gate. I looked around, waiting for the police to suddenly appear and arrest him - arrested us - for trespassing.

  Kace hurried back to the truck.

  “Are we allowed to do this?” I asked.

  “No. But who cares?”

  He started to drive as I shook my head.

  He crept through the open side of the gate and along a bumpy and beat up path. The headlights of the truck bounced, leaving shadows jumping and dancing in front of us. I felt like I was in a scary movie and we were creeping up on a house where it wasn’t going to end well for both of us.

  When Kace stopped, he flicked on the high beams. They shined onto the old house. There was nothing but massive overgrowth, so much that a good chunk of it was limp and dead. Beyond that was a massive front porch that wrapped around the right side of the house. It was a huge house, probably one of the biggest in town.

  “How often do you come here?” I asked.

  “More than I should,” he said. “But I like to look and pretend.”

  “Pretend what?”

  “What I’d do to it. See the porch? The railing is custom. You can’t get that kind of railing anymore. Most people would probably just change it out. Get something newer and updated or whatever. Me? I’d carefully take the entire thing apart. I’d sand down each piece to keep the shape and design. I’d refinish it and rebuild the entire porch. Do my best to keep the original materials. Oh, and the shutters.”

  “There are two missing,” I said.

  “They’re in the overgrowth.”

  “What? How do you know that?”

  “I went digging once,” he said.

  “No you didn’t.”

  “Yeah. Why not? I wanted to see if they were there. Those are really rare to find, Sienna.”

  I reached for Kace’s hand. “Why? The house? The porch? The shutters? Why?”

  “I already told you before…”

  “No, not the lame stuff you tell everyone. This is because of you on the inside, isn’t it? The way you grew up or something.”

  “Oh?” Kace asked. “You’re getting all deep on me now?”

  “Just curious,” I said. “I mean, it’s amazing that you think like this. To dream and plan. It’s so the opposite of what I do.”

  “No shit, darlin’,” Kace said with a wink.

  “You said that when you were thirteen a friend killed themselves.”

  “Yeah,” Kace said.

  “Is that why you’re into this stuff?”

  “No, Sienna. Fixing this house won’t bring my friend back to life.”

  “Then I don’t get it.”

  “There’s nothing to get,” he said. “I just like this stuff. It keeps me busy. I enjoy it. I don’t want to live life feeling like shit all the time.”

  “Like me?” I asked.

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “That’s what you mean though. That’s why you’re showing me this place. And why you took me to the restaurant to face Daisy. And why you kept me from going off the roof.”

  Kace stared at me with stern eyes. “I’m just showing you who I am, Sienna. I like you. There’s a lot I don’t know about you, but the things I do, I like.”

  “Right. You never ask me about that night. I mean, you did at the hospital, but since then…”

  “What do you want me to ask? You want me to push at you? Get mad at you? I’m just trying to be here for you.”

  “What do you get out of it?”

  “I figured that if I can make you smile every now and again, it’s a fair deal.”

  “That’s just stupid. And cliché.”

  “Okay. Then I’m stupid and cliché.”

  “You want to know why I was on that roof? Both times?”

  “Only if you want to tell me.”

  “Sometimes I wonder if it’d be easier to be gone. Okay? That night… well, the second night, I had forgotten about something. That was the anniversary of something in my life. Something pretty bad.”

  “Will you tell me about it?”

  “A car accident,” I said. “I survived. My mother didn’t.”

  “Oh, damn. Sienna. That’s brutal.”

  “A little, yeah.”

  “And you were working that night?”

  “I didn’t even realize what the night was until after everything happened with Daisy.”

  “Were you blocking it out?”

  I looked at Kace. “Maybe. I kind of grew up with it shoved in my face. Like I was forced to live through it every year. Forced to remember it. It just became… annoying to me. So I would forget about it.”

  “You never forget something like that though, darlin’.”

  “Thanks, Kace. I didn’t realize that.” I rolled my eyes.

  He slid his hand across the seat and touched my arm. “Sienna, I want you to know something. Anything you tell me, I will never judge you for it. Life is messy. It’s a jumbled pile of junk.”

  “And let me guess - you live life with happiness and hope that you can clean it all up. Like you think you could with this piece of shit house?”

  “No. Not at all. The truth is that if I don’t keep myself busy, I fall back a little. And when I fall back a little, I mean a lot. I kind of keep my back to this darkness and do everything I can to pretend it’s not there.”

  “Meaning what, Kace?”

  He looked at me and leaned toward me. “Meaning everything I’ve said is true. I know how you feel. I know how it feels. I didn’t come to rescue you like some cheesy hero looking for an award.”

  “You said you were on a date.”

  “Yeah.”

  “What happened to her?”

  “To Kylie? Nothing. I left her hanging there. I called her to explain, but it’s no big deal.”

  “Oh. Did you know her well?”

  “Hardly. I met her while I was picking out paint.”

  “Right,” I said. I hated that a little jealousy crept up inside me. “I’m sorry I ruined your date.”

  “It wasn’t a good date anyway. I had more fun with you.”

  “Not sure that’s the story you want to tell people.”

  “What story is that?”

  “That we met over me trying to kill myself.”

  Saying those words stole my breath. I exhaled slowly after saying it. I lowered my gaze and swallowed a lump in my throat.

  Kace gently touched my chin and lifted my head. “It’s okay, Sienna. It’s okay to say that. It’s okay to feel however you feel.”

  I blinked fast. “You see who I am, Kace. How I am. I’m not some house that needs a coat of paint.”

  “I would never think that about you.”

  “I don’t dream, Kace. I don’t think about the future. I do what I do and just move forward in life. Nothing is going to change that. I’m sorry if that’s not who you think I am, or want me to be.
I can never thank you enough for being there for me when I was in my darkest place. But you don’t know where that dark place comes from.”

  “You can tell me about it,” Kace said. “Or I can just be here long enough until you trust me enough. Whatever it takes, I’ve got time.”

  “Do you want to know what I want to do right now?”

  “Of course.”

  “I want to go home, Kace. Thank you for bringing me though. I’m sorry I called the house a piece of shit.”

  “Oh, it’s a piece of shit, darlin’. But I’ve always wanted it. This dream to buy it and fix it up. Work to make money and then come home and work on the house. It’s dumb. I know it’s dumb. But…”

  I quickly touched his face. “It’s not dumb, Kace. It’s not dumb at all. It’s actually beautiful. Really beautiful. I mean, this place is forgotten. Right? It’s an eyesore. It’s rumored to be haunted. People used to squat there until the police started pushing them away. Kids used to break in and spray graffiti. They probably still do. Everything about that house is terrible and rundown. But when you talk about it, I believe what you say. You could do it, Kace. You should.”

  “And you the same, Sienna. Look in the mirror and tell yourself what you want. No matter what it is. And then go for it. What the hell can you lose?”

  “Everything.”

  “What’s everything then?”

  I swallowed hard and gently shook my head. “It’s not that simple.”

  “It actually is, if you try.”

  Kace pulled away and left me hanging. He put the truck in reverse and turned his head, navigating us down the beaten up path and through the open the gate to get us back on the main road. He got out of the truck again to close the gate.

  I watched him, chewing on my lip to the point where I tasted blood.

  There were two choices in this situation with Kace.

  Either I was going to fall in love with him… or hurt him…

  I wasn’t sure what to expect when I got into the truck with Kace. That was part of the fun with him. It sort of left me longing for more of him and more time with him. But I was the one who asked him to take me home. And he did.

  He parked sideways in the same spot where he picked me up.

  I opened the door and he was quick to take my hand.

  “Hey. Are you okay?”

  “I’m okay,” I said. “I’m just thinking about you.”

  “Me? What about me?”

  “I don’t know what we’re doing here, Kace. I mean, everything you do and say is sweet, kind, romantic, and fun. I like how you dream about fixing up old stuff and how you always seem to be okay with life, even when it’s shitty.”

  “You don’t know much about me yet, darlin’. When you do, you’ll appreciate that more.”

  “I don’t want to do that.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “This. Random calls. Random drives. You lingering around because of what happened that night on the roof. You saved me, Kace. I’m thankful for that. I can never repay you for it. But I don’t want to be sucked into your world.”

  “My world, huh?”

  “I’m not saying that to be mean. But you get so happy and excited when you’re looking at that house. You should be with someone who gets just as excited. You were on a date, Kace. You were with someone who you met because you two have something in common.”

  “Really? That’s what this is? I met Kylie while picking out paint. And the date wasn’t going that great at all. Is this really a conversation?”

  “I’m not who you think I am. You saved me, yes, but you’re not going to… change me.”

  “Change you? I don’t want to change you, Sienna.”

  “You took me to the restaurant and dumped food on Daisy.”

  “Yeah, so? I gave you a nudge to actually stand up for yourself.”

  “Oh, because I never do that?”

  “Not from what I’ve seen.”

  “I’m standing up for myself right now,” I said. “And you’re trying to shut me down.”

  Kace gritted his teeth and swallowed hard. “You’re right.” He nodded. He took his hand from mine and gripped both hands tightly on the steering wheel. “You’re right, Sienna. I stepped right into your life and didn’t step out when the time was right to do so.”

  “I’m not saying… I don’t know what I’m saying then, okay?”

  “You’re telling the truth.”

  “You should call that woman. Call Kylie.”

  Kace looked at me. “You’re shoving me away because you’re afraid of me getting too close. I know what that’s like to do. I do it all the time, Sienna. I told you about my friend when I was thirteen. But there’s a lot more to it than that. And when I look at you, I see something that you don’t. I thought maybe I could show you the side I see, so that next time you look in the mirror, it won’t lie to you. Because I know damn well that my eyes don’t lie to me.”

  “See, everything you just said. It’s perfect. It’s sweet. And if I hadn’t tried to hurt myself, you wouldn’t be saying it to me. I bet you’d be saying it to someone else.”

  “You’re going to say whatever you need to say to convince yourself that what you’re doing tonight is the right thing.”

  “I don’t need to convince myself. It’s why I asked you to take me home. The second I saw your face when you looked at that house…”

  “Well, you’re home now, darlin’.”

  “Kace…”

  “It’s all good, Sienna. Just go.”

  I slipped out of the truck and shut the door. He wasted no time in stepping on the gas pedal and peeling away.

  My heart instantly began to hurt.

  I didn’t want him sucked into my world, even if he thought he could handle it. Darkness wasn’t romantic. Not by any chance at all. I was embarrassed by what happened on that roof, but I still didn’t feel guilt nor regret. Which meant that I had a lot to take care of. I didn’t want to hold Kace back. I couldn’t stop thinking about him on a date. Holding hands with some other woman. I imagined her tall and skinny, wearing overalls that were only clipped on one side. Red and purple paints stains on them. With a big smile, full of white teeth. Messy hair and brown eyes. The perfect woman for Kace. The kind that he only needed to save when she was overwhelmed with painting.

  Not like me.

  I was overwhelmed with life and the thought of tomorrow.

  I walked back to my apartment with a heavy heart.

  Kace knew I’d lost my mother in the accident. But he didn’t know about the accident. Or about my father. Or what happened afterwards. He didn’t know that I’d wished for the accident to happen right up until it did. And he didn’t know about the way I left, leaving my grandmother alonebecause I needed to find myself.

  The journey was still going on. And my legs were tired.

  I stepped into the apartment, alone, and took out my phone.

  I called Maria, breaking down into tears, asking her to come over.

  She said she was on her way.

  That was because of Kace.

  I wasn’t going to face a lonely night of darkness.

  Even if I wished he were with me instead of Maria.

  Sometimes it was easier to hurt someone now, rather than wait and do it later.

  All I knew was hurt… love was just a fantasy.

  Maria spent the night. We sat on the couch, had a few drinks, laughed, watched shows that we weren’t even paying attention to. She told me about her job and her projects. It was sort of nice to see her stressed but not because of a guy. Yet there I was, the one stressed out over a guy. The interesting part was that I didn't mention Kace one time. Maria never actually asked me what was wrong or why I needed her. She just came and sat there with me. I could tell that she was relieved to be there. And I was relieved that she was too.

  We both started falling asleep around midnight, so I went to my room. I got her some blankets and pillows for the couch and that was the end of ou
r night. All in all, Maria was a good friend. There were times when it was fun to party, and then there were other times when it was fun to be lazy and secretly sad.

  I fell asleep thinking about Kace.

  I woke up just the same.

  It was around ten in the morning when I stepped out of bed. The first thing I did was walk to the window and peel the blinds open. I wasn’t checking the parking lot or to see if Maria’s car was still there. Which it was. I looked to the horizon, biting my lip, thinking about that beaten up house. I couldn’t see it from my window. It was actually on the opposite side of the apartment building. But I still stood there, looking and thinking.

  There was a strange feeling going through me as I exited the bedroom. Almost like that breakup hangover feeling. When you wake up and know that your life is going to be different. A slight headache from thinking too much, worrying, even crying a little. Promising yourself that each step you take now will be a step forward, and you won’t let the same situation happen again.

  Only for me, my steps forward took me to the kitchen so I could make coffee. I did a quick peek to see Maria on the couch, curled up in a blanket, still sleeping.

  Kace knew some of the darkest things about me and we barely knew each other. Which was easy enough to solve. Spend time together. Get to know each other.

  I scooped a heap of coffee grounds and shut my eyes.

  I told him to take me home and I made sure to follow through on my point when I got there.

  Meaning I would have some coffee, chat with Maria, and let life happen the way it did.

  I sat down in the recliner next to the couch with my cup of fresh coffee and Maria slowly turned. Her head popped up, her hair a mess, her right eye open.

  “Hey,” she said.

  “Good morning, sunshine,” I said.

  “What time is it?”

  “Time for coffee and breakfast. You probably have work, right?”

  “Yeah. Stupid project.”

  “Wanna trade lives?” I asked.