When I'm Gone

by Jaxson Kidman

  The memory made me grin for a second.

  I made my way toward the kitchen as Lexi came rushing out and quickly put a hand out toward me to stop me in my tracks.

  “You,” she said.

  “Me.”

  “Did Candice-”

  “Yeah. Someone is here for me?”

  “Yeah. Hot guy. But weird.”

  “Hot guy that’s weird?” I asked. “That’s more along your lines, not mine. You sure he’s here for me?”

  “Yeah. He asked for you.”

  “I have a table over here…”

  “I’ll take care of them,” she said. “Give me the check and go and visit the sexy sugar guy.”

  “The what?” I asked.

  “He’s sitting at the table opening packets of sugar and dumping them out. Asking for you.”

  “Okay…”

  I was a little creeped out, to be honest.

  I approached the table with caution, until I turned enough and was able to see the person taking up the entire booth.

  “Kace,” I said.

  He looked up at me and smirked. “Sienna.”

  He lifted a brown sugar packet and ripped it right in half, adding to the small pile in the middle of the table.

  “What the hell are you doing?” I asked.

  “Thinking about sugar,” he said.

  He reached for another packet, raising an eyebrow as he did.

  “What is this?” I asked. “Are you pissed at me or something?”

  “Can you sit for a minute?”

  “Not really. I’m sort of working.”

  “Lexi said your shift is over.”

  I shook my head. “Lexi… how…”

  Kace tapped the left side of his chest. “Name tag. And she said her name.”

  “Wait. So you came here to bother me and you were looking at Lexi’s chest?”

  “Well, to be fair, it’s not like she tries to hide it,” he said so smoothly.

  Jealousy burned in me. “What?”

  “But, I like yours better,” he said. “Sit down for a minute, darlin’.”

  I touched the top of the booth and swallowed hard. “Look, Kace, I’m sorry for just leaving a note and calling you. And saying that we should just talk on the phone.” I picked at a small crack in the fake leather seat with my fingernail. “It’s just that…”

  “You don’t want me to know everything that makes you do what you do,” he said. “Because then I could challenge everything you know, and what I might know will bring in the unknown. And whether you admit it or not, this is what you like. The way you feel and the things that happen. Because it’s all you know. It’s all I know.”

  I didn’t respond. I wasn’t going to tell him that he was right. I was going to stand there with the stubborn attitude I wore around me, like the comforter off his bed to keep myself feeling safe and warm.

  Kace ripped open another sugar packet and dumped it on the table.

  “How many of those are you going to do?” I asked. “That’s a waste.”

  “It’s up to you, darlin’.”

  “Up to me how?”

  “You sit with me and I’ll stop.”

  I laughed. “That’s pathetic, Kace.”

  “Fine,” he said.

  He took the last two packets and ripped them in half.

  “Now what?” I asked. “You’re out of sugar.”

  Kace quickly looked around and turned in the booth, reaching behind him to the next table and took that small caddy of sugar packets.

  “Seriously, Kace?” I said.

  “Seriously, sit down,” he said.

  “Sugar?”

  “Yeah. You got me a sugar dish. Which was a cute gesture. Made me laugh. So I figure I’ll leave you with the sugar. Then maybe we can meet up and figure this out.”

  Kace pulled himself from the booth and stood up.

  I almost forgot how much taller he was than me. I looked up at him, feeling my heart racing, twisting, and jumping at the same time.

  Damn him for looking the way he did. Even when he was being an asshole, he was still sexy.

  I looked down at the sugar for a moment then back to him.

  “So that’s what you wanted to do here?” I asked. “Act like a child and dump sugar all over a table? I deal with that all the time.”

  “Right,” he said. “And you know what I deal with? The memories of how fucked up everything was. Just cruising through life, not worried about the future. Until I stepped out on a roof one night and watched you dancing to some song, looking as though you were going to fall over the edge. Now, before you try and cut me off and say you don’t want to talk about yourself, I get it. But let me explain something to you, darlin’. I like you, Sienna. I care about you. I’m not sure what side of the fence that puts me on, but I know this. The last time I cared about someone, I didn’t ask enough questions and I didn’t learn enough. Yeah, maybe I was only thirteen at the time, so I didn’t really grasp the idea of looking for signs. But when I finally did take my stand and do something, I did the worst thing possible. I left her alone long enough that she decided that her only choice was to hurt herself. I thought I was going to protect her, but I ended up hurting her.”

  I swallowed even harder. I let out a long, shaky breath.

  “I’m not going to sit down at a sugar filled table,” I said.

  “Is your shift really over?”

  “Yeah. I think I’m good.”

  “Okay.” Kace put his hand to the table and swept it to the side, throwing sugar all over the floor. “There. Now we have a place to sit.”

  “You realize this is a restaurant, right?” I asked, smiling.

  I hated myself for smiling.

  “Good point,” he said. “Pick a place to sit then.”

  I stepped toward Kace. “How about my couch?”

  I blinked to fight back tears. I didn’t want to become a blubbering mess in front of Kace as he opened his heart to me. I listened to the entire story of Andy. From the begging, right to the tragic end.

  When he paused, he turned his head and put his hands to his knees. He pushed and started to stand from the coffee table where he sat and I reached forward, touching his hands.

  “Don’t,” I whispered. “Don’t walk away right now.”

  He looked at me, our eyes inches apart.

  “I’m not walking away, darlin’.”

  “Don’t stand up then.”

  “Okay…”

  “What happened after…”

  “Too much,” Kace said. “Pete felt like shit about what he did to me. I couldn’t blame him because of my track record. You know? I was an asshole as a kid and my father was an asshole. And I’m sure my grandfather was too. I was young enough to remember my grandfather the way I did. As this good guy hero, but I’m sure he wasn’t. Anyway, Pete took care of me after that. Never busted my balls again. He went through a really rough patch though and of all things, he started drinking. Got a couple of DUI’s and eventually lost his job. Well, I guess it was more or less a forced retirement situation. Andy’s father sold the house and took off. I’ve never talked to the people that moved in. I never went over there again. For a long time, I didn’t even look at the house. I couldn’t look at it.”

  “I understand that,” I whispered.

  “All I wanted to do was find that fucking prick that hurt her…”

  “What happened to him?”

  “Nothing,” he said. “Nothing. I said what I said to Pete, but without Andy…”

  “Christ,” I said. “So that guy just…”

  “I don’t want to think about it,” he said. “I tried finding him plenty of times and couldn’t. But whatever. It doesn’t matter. If I hadn’t have left her that night, she wouldn’t have hurt herself.”

  “You can’t say that, Kace.”

  “I can’t? I just fucking did.”

  I swallowed hard. “Right.”

  “She asked me to stay. She begged me to stay. I wa
s supposed to be there for her. I should have taken her inside my house and helped her. I should have never let her get an inch away from me. But I stormed away. Because that’s what I was taught and shown. I wanted to find that guy and destroy him.”

  “Kace, stop it,” I said.

  That’s when he stood and broke away from me. “So what the fuck did you think I was going to do when I saw you on that roof? It brought back so much for me and I wanted to save you.”

  “I get that.” I stood up too. “I’m supposed to replace her, right? That’s what you see me as.”

  “What?”

  “I’m sorry you went through that, Kace. I can’t believe you lost your best friend and the first person you loved that way. It’s not right. It’s not fair. But what am I supposed to think now? Because what I think, is that when you look at me, you see her. And I’m not jealous. I’m not shallow like that. But saving me isn’t going to save her.”

  “That’s what you think, darlin’? That when I look at you I see someone else?”

  I didn’t respond. I let my silence speak louder than my words ever could.

  Kace curled his lip and turned to face me. “When I see you, Sienna, I see someone hiding who doesn’t need to hide. I see someone so beautiful that it makes me nervous to be around them. I see someone who managed to take my flirty banter and use it against me. I see your hair and feel my nose tingle because I know how it smells. Or maybe that your left eye is more hazel colored than your right eye. That you have random freckles on your neck and arms and they drive me crazy. That’s what I fucking see, Sienna. I also see the other half of my bed and hate that as more time passes, I can’t smell you there. The smell of your head against my pillow. The smell of your sweet skin wrapped up in my sheets. Goddamn, darlin’, that’s what I fucking see.”

  “To be fair, you’re talking about smell…”

  I watched his eyes go wide. “Are you fucking kidding me right now…”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I’m just being honest.”

  “Fine, darlin’. Sight. Smell. Touch. Fucking taste. Whatever you want to talk about here…” Kace stepped forward and was an inch from me. “I want it from you, Sienna. When I saw you all messed up on that roof, I didn’t see Andy. I saw you, darlin’. I saw someone look into my eyes and knew that you were lonely, hurt, and scared. And I know and I hate that fucking feeling. So I helped you. I helped you. Nobody else. You.”

  I moved to my toes and touched his scruffy jaw. “I want to kiss you so badly right now, Kace. I just don’t know where that’s going to end up.”

  “Stop being afraid, darlin’.”

  I moved my lips to within a centimeter of his.

  Then he said, “I did my part. Now tell me yours.”

  “What?” I whispered, my mind already fantasizing about how good the kiss was going to be.

  “Tell me about your mother and father. The accident. Your grandmother.”

  I shook my head. I inched away from him. “I was trying to fucking kiss you.”

  “I know that.”

  “Most guys would just want-”

  Kace stepped toward me and grabbed me by the waist. “I’m not like most guys, Sienna.”

  I stared up at him, my heart still wildly racing. “I smell like a restaurant. I usually take a shower after my shift.”

  “Point being?”

  “I’m going to go and take a shower.” I put my hands to his chest, trying hard not to be obvious as I felt his well-built muscle. “And you’re more than welcome to join me.”

  Kace raised an eyebrow. “You know, come to think of it, I haven’t showered today either.”

  “And here I thought you weren’t like most guys.” I smirked, knowing I had him caught.

  He touched my cheek. “Believe me, darlin’, I’m not. But I would have to be dead to not take the offer to have you in a hot shower.”

  I opened my mouth to hit him with another comeback, but Kace moved fast. He pulled me close and kissed me.

  I shut my eyes and sighed.

  “Fuck,” I whispered.

  “Yeah, I know,” he whispered back.

  I looked down and my forehead touched his chest. His arms wrapped around me as I melted into him. It was like I was made to be right there, right in that spot. And it threatened me like nothing I could ever remember. Because if I fell in love with him, I couldn’t lose him. And losing was all we knew.

  “Wow, you really do smell like a restaurant,” Kace said, breaking up my thoughts.

  I pushed away from him and gently slapped his face. “Idiot.”

  “You really should take that shower now.”

  I turned and strutted away. I glanced over my shoulder, wanting to be flirty and sexy, wanting to keep breaking him down. Wanting to not think about everything he said to me, and what he wanted to know about me.

  “Are you coming?” I asked.

  Kace grinned and looked too sexy for his own good. “Don’t worry, darlin’, I’ll come when I’m ready.”

  That prick left me hanging the entire time that I walked to the bathroom. I went into the bathroom. I left the door unlocked. I turned on the shower and let it run as I stripped myself naked. I even stood there for a minute, letting the shower steam fill the room and cloud the mirror. Finally, I stepped into the water and let out a long sigh of relief. For a quick second or two I forgot about Kace. No offense to him, but those first few seconds after stepping into a hot shower were precious moments in life. They came and went so quickly.

  I ripped aside the shower curtain and looked out, expecting to see Kace standing there, sliding his boxers down his strong legs.

  But there was no sign of him.

  Of course not.

  He was going to keep playing these games.

  I washed my hair, my body left on edge, waiting for the moment he would join me in the shower. That meant that my toes were slightly curled, my stomach had butterflies and did backflips. My heart thumped hard one second, faster the next. My skin tingled and pulled tight. My inner thighs ached with a sensation that pulsed all the way up to my chest, leaving my nipples puckered tight. I hated to admit it, but maybe Kace was a master of foreplay. Without even being near me, he had me silently begging for his presence and his touch.

  I waited another minute or so and kind of just gave up then. I lathered my pink washcloth and began to wash myself. I faced the water and put my head back, rubbing the soft and sudsy washcloth up my right arm, across my chest, and down my left arm.

  Whether he was trying to be sneaky or not I didn’t know, but the second I heard the scratch of the shower curtain rings against the rod, I shivered with a fluttering tightness that spread throughout my entire body. I swallowed hard, smiling and blushing, listening as Kace entered the shower with me. I was going to try and take the upper hand and just pretend that I didn’t care.

  So I kept moving the washcloth, hogging all the hot water, leaving him standing at the back of the shower where the tiles were cold and the water that splashed his way felt cold too.

  “You missed a spot,” his voice rumbled right behind me.

  I looked down and saw his feet right behind mine. My feet were small and maybe a little too wide for my liking. I was the kind of woman that would get the urge to paint her toenails, do it, and then leave them until they were bare again. Which meant, looking down, I could see the very last little bit of blue nail polish on my big toes. Kace’s feet were gigantic compared to mine. They were long and muscular looking, his toes thick and totally manly.

  I don’t think I’d ever looked at a man’s feet like I did right then at Kace’s.

  All the while he gently touched my shoulder, making me shiver, his hand sliding down my left arm.

  “Let me help,” he whispered.

  His hand took hold of the washcloth and I let it go without thinking twice. I stood there, waiting, and felt as he began to slide it down my back. I put my head back, the water hitting my chest as Kace moved the washcloth down and back up.
I wasn’t even sure if there was enough soap on it, but I didn’t give a damn about that.

  Kace slid the soft washcloth down my back one more time and dropped it. It slapped to the ground.

  “Oops,” he said. “Now what am I going to do?”

  His hands slid around my hips instantly.

  I jumped and shivered, letting out a breath.

  Right then, a million words came to mind. Everything he wanted me to tell him. Everything I wanted to say. My mind flashed with the moment that I stood outside his apartment holding that sugar dish. It was supposed to be a dumb and flirty joke. My way of saying that I cared about him. My warning that if things were going to keep moving forward, I might fall in love with him. It was never supposed to be what it ended up as.

  Kace gently pressed his body to mine. The back of my head to his chest. His chest to my back. I even felt the thick swell of his cock against my back. My toes curled into the wet floor. I put my head back and turned my gaze a little, finally looking at him.

  He stared down at me with a stone like face. Bold and sexy, his eyes full of attitude, his lips looking delicious, my body in a state of shock.

  “You never have to fucking feel alone, darlin’,” he said.

  I watched as random droplets of water jumped to attack his face, doing anything to touch him. Which I totally related to.

  I swallowed hard.

  I didn’t know what to say right then. Those million words vanished the second I looked at him.

  “You will never be alone near me,” he said. “Whatever it is you want…”

  “I know what I want,” I managed to say.

  I put my right hand to his and pulled it away from my hip and guided it way down between my legs. I let his hand go and reached forward for the wall, my fingertips grazing it.

  His thick and strong fingers curled, pressing against my slit. I was burning with heat, and it had nothing to do with the hot shower water either. He applied pressure, spreading my folds with a gentle ease and teased his fingertips into my core. Moving slowly and silently, the only sound was the rushing of the water. His stare never broke from mine.