When I'm Gone

by Jaxson Kidman

  “What else could I possibly ever want to do on a day off?”

  Kace grinned and winked.

  He was the hottest damn guy I’d ever met in my life. His hands flat to the counter, his arms gently flexed with hard and tight muscle, his triceps looking like a horseshoe, the edge of the sleeve looking ready to burst open.

  The scruff on his face desperate for a quick shave, but he spent all his time and worry on me. His eyes dark, slightly brooding, constantly flirting with me and only me. I saw him look at other people and it was like his eyes somehow changed.

  I never thought it was possible for someone to look at you and just know they loved you. But that’s what Kace did for me. Did to me.

  I stood next him and together we burned all the letters.

  And every time the flame ignited the corner of a letter, he would tell me a story. A memory of his father. A memory of Andy. That’s when I realized he was doing the same thing.

  Burning the bad memories.

  To make room for the good ones.

  “Why are we sitting on the floor?” I asked as I turned my head and looked over at Kace.

  We were on the floor, the table full of mostly empty takeout containers.

  I was curled up in a blanket with my back against the couch. Kace was next me, an arm around me, totally sucked into the silly romantic comedy I had put on after we were done eating.

  “I don’t know,” Kace said. “We kind of ended up here.”

  Mack and Evestopped by for dinner. The four of us sat, ate, drank, and laughed so hard that I actually started to cry a few times. The apartment was so cozy and so beautifully done. It didn’t feel real that it was my apartment. Our apartment. That we were going to live here as long as we wanted to.

  We hung out with Mack and Eve for a few hours before they left to go upstairs to his place. That’s when I snuck on the movie and snuggled up next to Kace and wasted even more time. It was a strange feeling because after what happened with my heart, I thought I would want to make the most of every second of my life. But for me, that didn’t mean jumping out of an airplane or something crazy like that. It was simply doing what I wanted and that was finding the ultimate comfort near Kace.

  “Did you hear Mack obsessing over the apartment?” I asked.

  “Yeah. I think he was hard as he was talking.”

  “Ew,” I said and slapped Kace’s arm.

  He laughed. “I’m serious.”

  “That’s gross. He really wants you to do the rest of the building.”

  “Good for him.”

  “You should.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you’re good at this stuff, Kace. And it’s a great job. You can do other buildings. You and Mack…”

  He raised an eyebrow.

  “Right,” I said. “I’ll shut my mouth.”

  “Hey. I love you, darlin’. Don’t worry about that stuff though. We’re going to be fine. I’m not going to worry about tomorrow until it comes. When my feet hit the floor tomorrow morning, I’ll worry about it then.”

  “Deal,” I said. “Do you want to see the end of this movie?”

  “What? No. Hell no.”

  I giggled, knowing that he wanted to see what happened.

  I kicked off the blanket and climbed to my feet.

  “You okay?” Kace asked.

  “Yeah. I’ll be right back.”

  I walked through the apartment, taking a deep breath, hugging myself for a second, taking it all in. At the bathroom, I paused. I gently opened the door and looked around. It was different now. It had stuff in it. A shower curtain. A small carpet on the floor. But this was where it happened. Where it all caught up to me and I almost…

  “You’re fine, darlin’…”

  I felt his hands touch my sides at the exact moment I needed it.

  I shut my eyes and put my head back against his chest.

  “Kace…”

  “I know,” he whispered. “I know. You’re fine. You’re beautiful. We’ve got this together.”

  I turned and looked up at him. I didn’t want to cry.

  “Come on,” he said. “Let’s call it a night.”

  Kace lifted me and Cassied me to the bedroom. He kicked open the door and took me to the bed. As he tried to put me down, I threw my arms around him and refused to let him go. That meant he came down to the bed with me. Our lips gently touched and things quickly grew hot. My toes curled tight and I grabbed my pants and hurried to inch them down.

  “Darlin’, wait a second,” Kace said as we kept kissing.

  I kept kicking my legs, saying goodbye to my pants and my panties, sending them off the bed.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Your heart…”

  “Stop it,” I growled. I caught his hand and placed it to my lower belly. His rough and strong fingers touched just above my slit and I tingled everywhere. “I need you.”

  “I don’t want you to get hurt,” he whispered.

  I inched his hand down. The tip of his middle finger grazed the top of me.

  My hips rocked a little.

  “Kace, I need you to love me,” I said. “I don’t care what happens.”

  “You’re fucking killing me,” he said.

  “Good. Then we can kill each other.”

  Kace curled his lip and kissed me again. His fingers eased between my legs, pressing against my folds. I groaned into his mouth as he softly applied pressure, opening my body for his taking. Two fingers entered me, making circles, curling at the perfect angle that forced my hips to thrust up, demanding more.

  He slid his fingers out and came up, flirting with my clit, but only for a second. He eased his legs over mine and was then hovering over me. Using just one hand, he opened his jeans and pushed them down. I took the liberty of helping him, my hands clutching the sides of his jeans and shoving them down.

  “Fuck, darlin’, I’ve been waiting for you for so long,” he whispered.

  “I know,” I whispered back.

  I clawed at the scruff on his face as he came down to kiss me again. He brought forward his lower half, touching me before entering me. Offering each inch of his body with care. He filled me to where I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

  Our kiss paused as I gasped for air.

  Kace inched away and looked into my eyes. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes,” I said.

  He pulled back and thrust forward. He was slow and masterful as he loved me.

  “I love you, Kace,” I said.

  “I love you, Sienna,” he said back as he moved forward again, taking himself to the hilt.

  I let out a groan.

  “Darlin’…”

  “Shut up,” I groaned. I moved my hands to his back. “Shut up and go… take all of me, Kace. Right now.”

  He gritted his teeth and hissed.

  He started to speed up.

  My heart started to race.

  I wasn’t going to lie to myself and say I wasn’t worried. But it was worth it. To feel Kace having me. Our bodies connecting, slamming together, our first night in our first apartment together.

  My hands spread wide, feeling the strong muscles of his back flexing as he came forward over and over. I buried my face into his neck, smelling his skin. His right hand touched my hip, holding me, squeezing as I felt him wanting to resist his deepest urges to go faster and harder. I wrapped my legs around him and pulled, letting him know it was okay.

  It was all okay.

  Everything was going to be okay.

  Kace’s scruff tickled my cheek as he groaned. His breath tickled my ear.

  “Tonight starts our forever,” he whispered to me.

  He thrust forward harder than ever.

  I was reduced to one word, which I screamed. It echoed throughout the room… my body… my heart… my everything.

  “Yes.”

  Epilogue

  Green Paint Kisses

 
Kace

  MONTHS LATER

  “Here, have a drink.”

  I sat on a step ladder and Mack handed me a bottle of beer.

  “What’s this for?” I asked.

  “Finishing this place up.”

  “There’s more to go.”

  “Yeah. But you got this one done.”

  “You’re trying to bribe me,” I said.

  “Beer is the way to go, right?”

  I took a drink. “It’s a good start.”

  “I’m not going to say a thing, Kace. This looks good. And I’ve got an idea for another building. I was sort of hoping you’d come and take a look at it with me.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yeah. You can point out anything you see.”

  “You’re really serious about this, huh?”

  “I am, man. I’m doing this. It’s fun. It beats a regular job.”

  I stood up and looked around. “I’ve never had a regular job.”

  “Loser.”

  “You know it,” I said.

  I took another swig of beer and walked toward the door.

  “Hey, Kace.”

  “Mack,” I said.

  “I’m giving you a cut of this,” he said. “The rent and everything. I’m going to depend on you to take care of the building too.”

  “You’ll do anything to make me your business partner. It’s kind of sad, man. If you weren’t with EveI’d swear you had a thing for me.”

  Mack winked. “You never know…”

  “Great. I’m happy right where I am, Mack.”

  He laughed. “You’re stubborn as fuck sometimes, Kace.”

  “It’s what I do best in life. Just ask Sienna.”

  I put the beer bottle down on the floor next to the door.

  “Thanks for the beer,” I said. “I have to go and meet Sienna. I owe you a raincheck on this.”

  “Right. When are you starting the next apartment?”

  “Tomorrow,” I said.

  “Seriously?”

  I grinned. “We’ll see.”

  “Hey, Kace.”

  “Oh, Christ, man. You’re like a pain in the ass little brother. What do you want?”

  “Thank you for everything,” Mack said. “Not just the building and stuff. But, you know, our entire lives. I never had any friends except you.”

  “Nobody could put up with you.”

  “Yeah, well, you did. We had some good times back then, Kace. During the worst times of our lives, we always found a way to get pizza and hit the arcade.”

  “Thanks to my old man passing out.”

  “And thanks to you knowing when to pickpocket him before he pissed on the money.”

  “Good point. See how good of a guy I am. I robbed my own drunk father for our friendship.”

  “That’s why I’m paying it forward now,” Mack said.

  I laughed. “You’re crazy, man. But I get it. No more mushy shit though. Let me know if you need anything else done here.”

  I left the apartment and paused when I shut the door.

  I was an only child, but Mack was definitely my brother.

  I hated telling him that though. He’d probably go and get t-shirts made of us together or some dumb shit.

  I looked to my left. Right down the hall was our apartment. Mine and Sienna’s.

  I wasn’t going that way though.

  That’s not where Sienna was.

  “So I told him to pee straight at the tree… well, I didn’t realize he was going to go full stream. Meaning that when it hit the tree, it bounced right back and splashed on him. He got scared and turned around, spraying me…”

  I entered the workshop and folded my arms.

  My father stood there in what looked like pretty clean clothes, talking to Sienna as she painted a sign.

  That was her new thing. She would draw and write in her notebook and then take some of that stuff and paint it on old pieces of wood that I would clean up. She had a small business going with it, selling a few here and there. It was really fun to work side by side with Sienna, showing her the tricks of my trade and watching her amazing mind create images and stories like I could never do.

  “Story time?” I asked.

  “Hey, Kace!” Dad yelled.

  He was mostly shaven and his eyes weren’t as bloodshot as usual. Don’t get me wrong, he was still a drunk. He’d just changed his drinking schedule a little to be functional. Now he waited until noon to start drinking. And he did his best not to pass out on the floor in the house. Not sure if that was an upgrade or not. He would never give up the bottle. It would eventually kill him and there was nothing I could do about it.

  Dad came at me with his arms open.

  I hugged him and smelled cheap drugstore aftershave. It burned my eyes.

  “How are you, son?” he asked. “How’s the apartment?”

  “Going great, Dad,” I said.

  He gently slapped my face. “So damn proud of you. I was just telling Sienna some of your stories.”

  “I heard,” I said. “And I don’t remember the tree pee thing.”

  “You were young,” Dad said. “Maybe six. I’ve got plenty of stories to tell.”

  “I’m all ears,” Sienna said.

  “We’ve got work to do here,” I said.

  “Oh, right,” Dad said. “Don’t mind me. I’m going to head back inside and get a bite.”

  “Nice talking to you,” Sienna said.

  “You too, Sienna.” Dad faced me again. “She’s goddamn beautiful, Kace. You’d better not screw that one up.”

  “I’ll do my best,” I said.

  Dad hobbled his way out of the workshop, favoring his right leg.

  Sienna put down a paintbrush and turned, leaning her hip against the table. White shirt with denim overalls, smeared with random colors of paint. She looked almost cliché but there was nothing cliché about her smile and the look in her eyes.

  “Sorry if he bothers you,” I said.

  “I love hearing those stories. Peeing on a tree. On yourself. On your father.”

  I shrugged my shoulder. “That’s only because how big my-”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Sienna said. “Don’t flatter yourself.”

  “You’re the one blushing,” I said with a grin.

  “Stop it.”

  “What are you working on here?” I asked.

  She had four pieces of a wood laid out.

  “Just the usual. Thought I’d sneak this in before work tonight.”

  “What time do you go in?”

  “Four to close,” she said and curled her lip.

  “I’ll be waiting up for you, darlin’,” I said and reached for her wrists and pulled her toward me.

  She touched my face. “I know you will…”

  We smiled at each other.

  Truth was, I liked working with Mack. I liked the money. I wanted to get a real workshop for me and Sienna. Hell, maybe someday she’d grow her little business into something bigger.

  For me, I had plans.

  The bottle would eventually get my father and I would get the house. I planned on then buying the house next door and knocking everything down. Level it all. The house I grew up in. The workshop my grandfather taught me how to work in. And Andy’s house, out of love and respect for her for teaching me what it was like to be loved and how to love.

  Sienna’s grandmother passed away a month ago. Sienna called her every other day to talk and it took a few weeks before the calls lasted more than a minute of her grandmother yelling at her and hanging up. Their last conversation, they talked for thirty minutes and it was the first time that Sienna got off the phone with a smile. We planned the funeral for her and took care of everything. The house was up for sale and whatever came of that was going to go to Sienna. Her grandmother had also been hoarding boxes of old pictures, all of which were in the basement at the apartment building, unopened. She didn’t want to look at them. Yet.

  I slipped my arms around Sienna an
d pulled her close.

  “Kace, I’m covered in paint,” she said.

  “I don’t give a shit,” I said.

  “You don’t, huh?” she asked with an evil grin.

  “What?”

  She reached with her right hand and dipped her fingers into a can of green paint. Without hesitation, she stepped back and flicked her fingers, throwing green paint at me.

  “Really?” I asked.

  “What? You said you didn’t mind…”

  “I don’t mind,” I said.

  I jumped at the table and Sienna let out a yell. I grabbed a paintbrush and flicked it, throwing paint at her. She turned, letting it splash into her hair.

  “You’re dead,” she whispered.

  I watched as she picked up an entire can of paint.

  “Oh, hell no, darlin’,” I said.

  I moved at her and managed to get her wrist a second before she tried to throw the can at me. Green paint splashed everywhere. It went into the air and came down on me, her, the table and the projects that she was working on.

  I still had my hand on her wrist.

  There was a little dab of paint on the tip of her nose.

  We were an inch away from one another.

  “You done?” I asked.

  “I’m just getting started,” she said.

  I slid my right hand around her body and pulled her close again, this time kissing her. We both let the paint can go and it hit the floor with a messy plop.

  “Sorry I ruined your projects,” I said in between kisses.

  “Fuck it,” she said back. “They weren’t good anyway.”

  “Damn do I love you, Sienna,” I said.

  She playfully bit at my lip. “Yeah, yeah. I love you too.”

  We kissed, but that wasn’t the only thing I was doing.

  With my left hand, I stuck my pointer finger into the wet paint and started to write her a message.

  I broke the kiss and backed away, grinning. “Better clean up your mess, darlin’. We’ve got things to do.”

  “Oh?”

  “You’re going to need a hot shower before you go to work.”

  “And you’re going to want to join me.”

  “It’s only fair that I clean up the mess I made,” I said.

  She shook her head and fought a smile.