How Many Times Do I Have to Say I'm Sorry? (Maudlin Falls)

by Lesli Richardson

  I pull out my phone and show him the screen as I do it.

  “Can you block him on your work phone?”

  “Once I’ve put in my notice, yes. I pay for that phone out of my own pocket—the firm doesn’t own it. Unfortunately, there are legit reasons he might need to contact me for work right now.”

  He nods. “Once you’re out of there for good, he gets blocked.”

  “Absolutely.”

  “And on social media, e-mail, all of that, too.”

  I call up my accounts on my personal cell and start doing it, letting him watch me.

  Then he holds out his hand for my phone and I hand it over. I watch him without interruptions while he rolls onto his back again and starts combing through my social media accounts, the private message features for them, my text messages, and my personal e-mail. After about twenty minutes, he nods and returns my phone.

  “Okay,” he quietly says.

  “I’ll give you all the logins,” I tell him. “I won’t change the passwords without telling you.”

  He rolls onto his side to face me once more. “I don’t want to be like that,” he quietly says. “I don’t want to be that guy, a jealous, petty creep. I want to get back to a point where I never need to look at your phone because I know there’s nothing there to look at.”

  Silently, I nod.

  “When we were together,” he softly continues, “I never doubted you. Not once. There was never a time in my mind I ever wondered if you were where you said you were going to be, or if you were lying to me. I never felt jealous when you had to travel for work. The only fear I ever had was that you stayed safe while you were away, not that you might be screwing around on me. Then you left.”

  This guts me but I don’t speak. I deserve every bit of this.

  “You were the one constant in my life. You were my safe harbor. My rock. My anchor. Fill in the blank with whatever metaphor you can imagine. One of the reasons I loved you so much was because you were always there. Like the moon and the tides, I knew even if I couldn’t see you, your love still flowed and tugged me in the right direction.

  “Trying to build a life without you in it when I wasn’t even sure if you were ever coming back or not was torture. Trying to keep up appearances around our friends so they didn’t start hating you. I never bad-mouthed you to anyone. I would defend you, especially early on. They grew increasingly angry on my behalf, and that drove me farther from them so I didn’t have to work so hard to hide my pain. Does that even register with you?”

  I nod.

  He sits up and stares at the far wall, his hands stroking Jester’s back where the cat now lays across his lap. “I wondered what was wrong with me that you didn’t want to come back. Why money was more important to you than our love and relationship. Wondered if you’d always planned to leave.” He looks at me. “Why I wasn’t good enough for you. And now I need to figure out how to get past that and the additional worry that you’ll do it to me again, and that maybe I’m being an idiot by giving you this chance.”

  I sit up and cup his cheek. “It was never about you, baby. I swear. I screwed up. I’m sorry I hurt you, and I’m sorry I put you through all of that.” Leaning in, I kiss him, a long, sweet kiss I wish could transfer all the regret in my soul into a concrete proof he can use to see I mean forever without reservation now.

  We sit there like that for a long moment, his brown gaze staring into mine. “This wouldn’t have hurt or be so hard if I didn’t love you so much.”

  “I know, baby. I’m grateful for another chance.”

  “I won’t tolerate any nonsense from your mom. You’re thirty-six years old and a successful attorney. That’s well beyond any need to be afraid of your parents.”

  “I’ll defend you and put her in her place. They’re done guilt-tripping me.”

  He snorts. “I doubt they’re done.”

  He’s likely right. “I mean, I’m done letting them guilt-trip me. They can try all they like but they won’t like it when I start ignoring them until they knock it off. I could write them a check right now to pay them back in full for my entire undergrad and law school costs. It’s their fault they won’t let me and try to use that against me. Not falling for it anymore.”

  “Okay,” he quietly says. “I’ll trust you until you give me a reason not to. Please don’t make me regret it.”

  “I won’t.” Jester maows at us, giving us one of those slow blinks cats do, and I reach over to pet him. “I think he’s forgiven me, at least.”

  Tom scratches him under the chin. “He’s easy. Little peanut butter fiend.”

  “Huh?”

  “Oh, you can’t leave the pantry door open.” He explains to me about Jester’s addiction to peanut butter, making me laugh.

  “Now I know why I had to go after him about it this morning.”

  Tom’s smile faded. “I never got the catio built.”

  More guilt twists in my guts. “I’m sorry. I’ll help you build it for him.”

  “We had a lot of plans.” His gaze remains on Jester but I see the way his eyes look a little too bright, like he’s struggling not to cry. “I had a lot of dreams I’d built around you and our life together.”

  I pull him into my arms and tightly hug him, holding him even when he first tries to push me away until he’s clinging to me and crying.

  He’s not the only one.

  “You told me you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me!” He chokes out his agony through his tears. “You told me I was your soulmate!”

  “You are, and I do.” I slowly rock him, soothing him. I’ve never seen him this upset before, ever. That I caused it eviscerates me and heaps more guilt on my plate that I know I deserve to suffer through. “I never should have tried to change you or make you leave here.”

  We remain clinging together like that for a quiet eternity, until we’re kissing again and time soon does that funny dissolving and stretching thing it does when we’re together and focused on each other. Before long, we’re stretched out in bed and our clothes have since been discarded. With his warm flesh pressed against mine, I struggle not to think about the wasted time and pain and instead focus only on the here and now.

  On our future together.

  In the end, once we’re spent, I’m the one snuggled in his arms and draped over his chest, his heart softly beating against my ear through his ribs.

  A sound I never realized how much I’ve been missing.

  A sound I don’t think I can live without now.

  “I love you, Des.” His fingers gently rake through my hair. “I always hoped you’d come back but I didn’t want to torture myself.”

  I tip my head back to stare into his eyes. “Feel free to torture me for as long as you need to, baby.”

  That wins me a playful chuckle. “You might regret making that offer.”

  I grin. “As long as it’s you torturing me, I’ll never regret it.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Tomas

  We end up in the shower together, something else I never thought might happen again. By the time the water runs cold, we’ve exhausted each other and my soul cautiously thinks maybe I’ve made the right decision.

  It’s also full dark outside as we throw on clothes and make our way downstairs to cook dinner. Desi takes the chicken breasts away from me that I was just going to toss in a skillet to brown. He butterflies them, flattens them, seasons them, and breads them. He turns canned spaghetti sauce into a delicious marinara, and before long we’re sitting down to homemade chicken parm and I’m in heaven.

  Alacea’s probably won’t see me for a while. Especially not for breakfast.

  I know this isn’t magically all better. There’s still a lot of talking we need to do, and we start that after dinner while cuddled together on the couch in front of the TV with Jester walking all over us and begging for attention.

  We retire to the bedroom and make love, and for the first night in years I sleep deeply, not waking unti
l my alarm the next morning.

  I do not want to go into work. I want to stay in bed with Desi, but we both have things to do. “What are you doing today?” I ask.

  “I’m going to run over to Keith’s place with the paperwork, explain everything to him in detail, lay out the next steps, and then go with him to a notary so he can sign everything. From there, I’ll file what needs to be filed, either in Webley, or overnight it to the state, whatever can’t be filed electronically.”

  “And you’ll walk everything through until it’s complete?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Then what?”

  He smiles. “While I’m in Webley today, I’ll get everything I need to start practicing law again. Business license, all of that.” His smile fades. “That means looking for an office. I have to have one. I can’t just use a mailbox in a shipping store, it needs to be a real office. That’s the other reason I don’t want to work out of the house, because I don’t want people coming here, or our home address being listed on forms I file for cases.”

  That reminds me. “Your first trial by fire is this morning.”

  He frowns. “Huh?”

  “Breakfast first. We’ll drop your car at Kurt’s garage so he can fix the tire for you while you come with me to the store. I’m going to show you your new office.”

  That earns me a handsome, arched eyebrow. “Okay.”

  An hour later, I’m letting us in the back door of the store and disarming the alarm. I make a mental note to make Des a set of keys and program an alarm code into the system for him, because he’ll need them. Then I lead him up the stairs and across the open space to the unused office, where I flip on the lights.

  “Your new office. I won’t take no for an answer. No charge.”

  He looks stunned. “I can’t not pay you rent.”

  “You said you’d do whatever I asked, right?”

  He nods.”

  “Well, what better way than to work right here. We’re open the hours you’d need to have people come in. The elevator’s close to the back door, so no worries about access. The parking’s easy and plentiful back there. We’ll put up a sign on the back door directing people. Your new landlord will even change the doorknob so you have a lock on it, and add blinds to the windows for privacy.”

  “That could get confusing, though. With the store having the same address.”

  I grab a roll of blue painter’s tape from a nearby table, stick a piece of it on the door frame, and use a black marker to write a large B on it. “There. Problem solved. Same street address, but you’re in ‘Suite B.’”

  He stares at it for a moment before he starts laughing and hugs me. “I love it. It’s perfect. Thank you.” He kisses me. “You won’t get sick of me being in here all day?”

  “Not at all.” I grin. “Don’t be shocked if my staff gives you holy heck for a while, though.”

  “I deserve it.” He drapes an arm around my shoulders. “I’ll get business cards ordered today and update everything with the state bar association. I’ll wait to change my driver’s license and car registration and all of that until I’ve got the condo emptied and I’m moved, just in case I run into any snags.”

  “You’ll have to rearrange the garage yourself,” I add. “It’s not bad, but you do it.”

  He laughs. “Gladly. That’ll give me a chance to visualize how much I’m able to bring with me. Most of my furniture is staying there. I’ll sell it with the condo.”

  We turn as the elevator door opens and Jasiri steps out, freezing when she spots Desi standing there with me.

  “Boss?” she asks.

  “Yeah, he’s back.” I poke him in the stomach. “And he’s apologized. He’s back for good. I need to talk to you about next weekend and scheduling, though.”

  By the time we finish that conversation, most of the staff has arrived. From their guarded expressions I can tell Desi has a long road ahead of him to win them back. Finally, before we open for the morning, I call everyone together downstairs, with Desi standing right beside me.

  “Listen, everyone. I appreciate you all being here for me and understand that some of you are going to hold a grudge against him. He knows that, too, and knows that he has to earn your trust back. Please, understand I’m an adult and while I’m not going into details, just know that we love each other and I’m happy with how this is working out. You’ll be seeing him around here all the time, because he’s going to use my dad’s old office upstairs as his law office. So when people show up looking for him, please, don’t send them away or sabotage him. I’m not asking you to like him, I’m just asking for you to give him a chance.”

  There’s a reluctant exchange of glances and low grumbles between them before Jasiri steps forward and claps her hands together. “Listen up! Tom’s an adult, and I respect his judgment. We’re all adults here right? This is a good thing. He’s been miserable for long time because this knucklehead left him.”

  That prompts a round of laughter, breaking the tension, and she waits for it to settle before she continues. “We don’t have any right to be more upset about this than he is. Let’s give Desi a second chance. Most of us were friends with him before he left. I think we can be magnanimous enough to give him a second chance.”

  And like that, I sense the tide’s turned. Everyone steps forward to take turns shaking Desi’s hand and hugging me.

  Along with several of them whispering offers to take Desi hunting and not bring him back should he screw up again.

  I lead Desi back to the key counter and make him a set for the back and front doors. Then I program his new alarm code into the system and show him how to work it. Once that’s finished, I grab a lockset and lead him to one of the registers, where AJ’s finishing up with another customer.

  I put the lockset on the counter and point at Desi. “He’s paying.”

  AJ smiles. “Family discount?”

  “Nope.” I grin at Desi. “Make him pay full price for this.”

  Desi chuckles and digs out his wallet as AJ laughs and rings him up. Ten minutes later, I’ve installed the new lock on the office door. Desi has a key, and so do I. He hands me a personal credit card. “Please, charge that for the blinds. Full price.”

  I relent a little. “Maybe you can get the family discount for those.”

  He smiles and brushes a kiss across my lips. “I don’t mind paying full price. I like the store’s owner. He’s a hottie.”

  Warmth fills me, a familiar sensation I’ve gone too long without. He’s lucky Jasiri and a couple of others are up here in their offices or we’d be stretched out across the conference table. “Lucky for you, the store’s owner has a soft spot for you.”

  “You won’t let me pay rent, will you?”

  “Maybe in a few months. Humor me, please? It’s not costing me anything. Write up a month-to-month office lease to make it official and we’ll both sign it. You can exchange legal services for rent or something.”

  He grins and leans in close, dropping his voice to a whisper. “How about sexual favors?”

  I clamp down on my explosive laugh. “Yeah, I think we can arrange something there, too, mister.”

  I’m about to follow that up with a raunchy comment, but Desi’s phone rings. It’s Kurt calling to let him know his tire’s fixed and the Range Rover’s ready to pick up. A few minutes later, we head out in my truck.

  “That went better than I thought it would,” I admit. “With everyone at the store.”

  Des wears a wry smirk. “How many of them offered to feed me to a woodchipper for you?”

  “Only a few. Mostly, it was offers to take you hunting.”

  He chuckles. “I deserve it.” He reaches over and lays his hand on my thigh, and I cover it with my hand, squeezing.

  It’s finally starting to feel like life is returning to normal.

  And it sure feels pretty danged good.

  * * * *

  I hang around the garage until Desi’s paid his tab and ready to l
eave. “Got your phones?”

  He smiles, holding them up. “Yep.”

  “Chargers?”

  “Yes.”

  “Wallet?”

  He snickers, but only because he knows there have been several times he had to call me to come pay for something, or bring him his wallet from where he forgot it at home. “I’ve missed you, baby.”

  “I’ve missed you, too. Oh, maybe stop by and say hi to Kelly Ayers once you’ve finished your errands.”

  “Kelly? Down the block?”

  “Yeah. Here’s something else you can do to help earn your way back into my good graces.” I tell him what’s been going on and his expression darkens.

  “I’ll make sure I stop by and see her. Do you have her phone number?”

  I find it in my phone and text it to him. Seconds later, his phone buzzes with the message and he quickly saves it to his contacts. “I might not be able to do too much until after I’m moved, but I’ll get started on it.”

  “For free,” I clarify.

  He smiles, but this one is dark and devious and leaves me standing there and squirming much as I did yesterday when he looked like he wanted to strangle Freddy in my front yard. “Oh, this is not just for free—it’ll be for funsies. Kelly and those boys have already been through so much. I’m going to make that man my hobby until he coughs up what he owes her.”

  This is the man I fell in love with. I lean in and kiss him. “Thank you. I promise I won’t make you give free legal aid to everyone in Maudlin Falls, but if you’d seen her the other day—”

  “Hey,” he gently says. “You don’t need to justify yourself. I said I’d do anything you asked, and I meant it. It just so happens it’ll be my absolute pleasure to go after this guy and bury him in litigation.”

  “Thanks. Keep me posted.”

  “Will do.” I watch him drive off and as I’m standing there, Kurt strolls over.

  “This mean he’s back for good?”

  I slowly nod. “Yep. We’re moving him back next weekend.” I smile. “And I don’t think I could be happier about that if I tried. He’s ready to spend the rest of his life with me.”