Heartwood

by J. H. Croix

  Ty regarded me quietly, and my stomach churned nervously. After too many beats of my heart, he nodded slowly. “I think so. What does that have to do with you and law school?”

  I swallowed. “Well, the pressure for me wasn’t healthy, and after everything, it wasn’t what I wanted. It was best for me to drop out. I need a career that doesn’t involve me feeling so pressured.”

  Okay, everything I said was completely true, it’s just I’d framed it in the gentlest terms possible.

  The gods smiled upon me at that moment, and our waitress appeared at our table, setting down two glasses of ice water, my wine, and a bottle of beer for Ty. “Do you two need anything else?”

  “I’m all set, thank you,” I replied.

  “I’m good, thanks.” Ty nodded, and she hurried off, immediately stopping at another table to take orders.

  I took a swallow of my wine. I was hoping Ty would drop the topic of me and my life, but no such luck.

  “It’s hard to imagine you not thriving under pressure,” he commented. “You were the academic queen and the life of the party in college.”

  He was right, it’s just I didn’t realize the way I felt in college was before my mania exploded. The psychiatrist at the hospital and later my therapist both said I was probably experiencing hypomania during college. When you’re keeping your shit together and people don’t think you’re out of control yet was how I thought of it.

  I shrugged lightly. “Maybe so, but everything didn’t go so well. Do you really know what Bipolar Disorder is like?” I pressed, surprising myself with that question.

  Ty looked a little sheepish and took a pull from his beer. “I don’t suppose I do. It’s like when people’s moods go up and down, right?”

  I bit back the urge to burst out laughing hysterically. Because, sure, moods went up and down. But most people didn’t quite grasp that the highs were like no other high possible. I figured there was no need to freak him out though.

  I took another swallow of wine, wishing it would settle my nerves a little bit. Between my body’s ever-present reaction to him, and this uncomfortable conversation, I was feeling more than a little unsettled.

  “In the most general sense, yes. I don’t like letting it define everything about me, but I was able to juggle everything I did because I actually did have a little more energy than most people. That was when I was on the upswing. When I was manic, I hardly slept for days, and it didn’t even bother me. I was on top of the world.” I paused, my lips curling in a rueful smile. “Until I wasn’t, and I did some stupid things. I spent a night in the hospital until they figured out what was going on. If you were thinking I was organized and smart and still the life of the party, you would be wrong,” I said, trying to keep my anxiety from lacing my words.

  His eyes searched mine, and I thought perhaps this might be the point where he got up and ran away. May did encourage me to be honest, but I was seriously doubting the wisdom of that about now. He didn’t run though.

  He nodded slowly instead. “Okay, so things got a little out of control then. Well, I’m all about doing things that aren’t too stressful. That’s part of the reason I ended up here too.”

  4

  Ty

  “What do you mean?” Belle said, catching a lock of hair with her hand and spinning it around her fingers.

  “I don’t know if you recall, but I might’ve had a shot at going pro in hockey.”

  Her pretty brown eyes held mine as she nodded slowly. “Of course, I remember. You were the star goalie for a while in college. Then, you got injured.” She paused, her cheeks flushing pink. “We hooked up before and after your injury.” This time, she smiled and laughed a little nervously, but I saw a flash of the girl I’d known before—bold and bright.

  “Oh, I recall,” I replied, not shying away from holding her eyes. Because I wouldn’t mind a repeat of that.

  Dude, this girl just told you she spent a night in a psych hospital.

  The minute that skeptical, bitter voice spoke up, I kicked it to the curb. I had my own share of shit to carry. Maybe I didn’t quite understand what all Belle had gone through, but I knew she was basically a good person. I sure as hell hadn’t forgotten our nights together. That was nearly impossible. My times with her were burned into my memory.

  Belle’s cheeks flushed a deeper shade of pink at my comment, and she rolled her eyes. “I’m not as fun as I used to be.”

  The girl I knew before was anything but uncertain, and the hint of vulnerability I saw flickering in her dark eyes sent a wash of protectiveness rolling through me. I didn’t like seeing her worrying like this.

  Fuck, I was getting all caught up in my head, something I didn’t let myself do very often. Having Belle spin back into the orbit of my life brought an onslaught of memories, not all of them related to just how much fun we had between the sheets.

  “Neither am I. Is anybody as fun as they were in college?” I mused. “Anyway, when the pro option was off the table, my dad wanted me to go into his business.”

  Just when I thought I was going to need to explain what that meant, Belle interjected, “Oh yeah, your dad runs that bigwig investment company. Right?”

  I chuckled. “Of course, you remember.”

  She rolled her eyes. “I do have a good memory. So, it doesn’t seem like you wanted to work for your dad.”

  Since she’d been honest with me, I decided to do the same for her. “Nope. My dad’s kind of an asshole. Even before I lost my shot at going pro in hockey, I knew I was never going to work for him. Can’t stand the guy,” I said flatly.

  Asshole didn’t seem to do my dad justice, but it was short hand for whenever I needed to describe him. My dad was cold, distant, and frankly, I preferred to limit my interactions with him. For reasons that remained somewhat of a mystery to me, my mother was still married to him. I loved her, but I could do without my father.

  Belle’s brow furrowed, and she reached across the table, resting her hand on mine and giving it a quick squeeze. I knew she meant it to be comforting, and she’d always been that kind of girl, easy with affection with her friends. And yet, that subtle touch sent licks of fire chasing over the surface of my skin. Her touch was gone before I could absorb it. “I’m sorry. Nobody deserves a dad who’s a fucking asshole,” she said stoutly.

  “Agreed. He pushed hard, but I made sure to find work nowhere near New York City. I stayed in Vermont after college, and I heard about Speakeasy. It was an easy fit. It’s a great place. Pretty tight as far as the atmosphere and the people who work there. I like it, and I like the town.”

  Belle nodded slowly and took another swallow of her wine. A deep red drop escaped at the corner of her mouth, and the tip of her tongue darted out to swipe it up, sending a jolt of awareness through me.

  Fuck me. While I hadn’t forgotten Belle, I’d honestly never expected to see her again. Now, she was up close and personal, and I was seeing her all the time.

  “I have to admit I was a little nervous when I saw you,” she said, resting her elbows on the table and idly tracing a circle around the base of her wine glass.

  When she looked over at me, my eyes landed on the light smattering of freckles on her nose and cheeks. I didn’t need to remember that she had freckles in a few other places. I forced my attention to the conversation at hand.

  “You were nervous? I promise I don’t bite,” I teased, promptly remembering that I had, in fact, nibbled on her with my teeth on more than one location on her delectable body.

  Belle had this girl next-door vibe—a little feminine, a little tomboy with her long skirts and boots, and a little wholesome wrapped up in a package of sultry and seductive as sin.

  Her cheeks went pink again, and she let out a little sigh. “I know you don’t bite. I was nervous because you knew me before my life kind of fell apart for a little bit there. I hope we can be friends.”

  “We were friends before, and we’re friends now. We all have tailspins here and there, right?�
�

  She bit her lip, drawing my attention to her pretty mouth, which I still wanted to kiss.

  “Of course. I was nervous though because I thought you might think I was how I was before.”

  “You’re still Belle, just a little more mellow. It’s probably good not to be so driven. Hell, as far as I could tell you didn’t have much time back then. You were always taking advanced classes and seemed to have the pedal to the metal on life.”

  Her brows hitched up, and then she burst out laughing. “Was that funny?” I prompted, not sure what I said that was so funny.

  “Yes, but that’s a story for another day. It’s really good to see you again. I’m glad you’re doing well even though things didn’t work out with hockey. I can imagine that was a tough blow to take.”

  “It was. After my knee blew out, I never got back up to full speed. Life is what it is. Just gotta shift gears and follow where the road leads you.”

  I still missed the chance to play pro, but I had adjusted with some grace to my change of fortune in hockey. Even if the stars aligned, and sometimes that’s how it seemed when it came to pro sports, there were never any guarantees.

  “That’s one way to put it,” she said softly.

  “Hey!” a voice said.

  Glancing to the side, I saw May Shipley approaching our table. “Hey there, May,” I said just as she stopped right beside us.

  May smiled between us, her eyes bright. I’d gotten to know May pretty well. Seeing as Alec Rossi was her boyfriend and one of my bosses, she popped in and out of Speakeasy with some frequency. They lived in a loft apartment a few floors above The Gin Mill, so I guessed she might be stopping in to steal Alec away.

  “I hope you’re being nice to Belle,” she said, tapping me lightly on the shoulder.

  Belle grinned. “What would you do if he wasn’t?”

  May shrugged, her long dark hair falling over one shoulder as she cocked her head before shrugging just as Alec arrived beside her. He dropped a kiss on her cheek and slid his arm around her waist.

  “Ready to go?” he asked.

  “Yep. Good to see you both.” Just as they started to turn away, she glanced back, looking toward Belle. “We should get coffee soon. Busy Bean, tomorrow morning?”

  Belle nodded. “What time?”

  “Nine?” At Belle’s nod, May waved and spun away.

  “Do you know May well?” I asked as they disappeared through the door.

  “I was just starting in law school when she graduated. I knew her in passing and, uh, when I needed some legal advice, she helped me out. I got to know her better then, and when she knew I was looking for a job, she told me about Speakeasy. I worked as a chef for a while at a restaurant in Burlington, but I really wanted a change of scenery.”

  “May’s good people. Alec is too,” I offered.

  Our waitress stopped by the table to check on us, and not much later, we walked outside into the cool summer evening. When I first moved up here in college, one of my favorite things was how clear the night sky was. Growing up in New York City meant heavy light pollution. Out here in small town Vermont, the stars were big and startlingly bright on clear nights. I leaned my head back, scanning the glitter scattered across the velvety night sky.

  “My apartment’s that way,” Belle said, her voice bringing my attention to her. “It was good to catch up. I’m sure I’ll see you at work.”

  As we stood there, with the muted sound of the bar behind us, I wanted to kiss her, something fierce. She didn’t give me a chance. “Good night.” In a flash, she was walking quickly away, her hand curled around the leather strap of her purse looped over her shoulder. I listened to the sound of her footsteps scuffing on the gravel parking lot.

  Maybe it wasn’t smart to get tangled up with Belle since we worked together. My body didn’t give one damn about smart. Holy hell, I wanted to get tangled up with Belle again.

  5

  Belle

  “Some legal advice,” I muttered to myself as I scrubbed at the kitchen sink in my apartment.

  It was a beautiful slate sink with gorgeous fixtures that had lost their shine over the years. After a restless night of sleep, I’d decided I was going to make it gleam before I went to meet May for coffee.

  I’d practically bolted away from Ty last night. Because I really wanted to kiss him. If I’d stayed near him for even one second more, I totally would’ve gone for it. If my memory was accurate, I was the one who made the move on him the first time. That was the old me—bold and brash.

  It felt like I hesitated with everything these days. Ty knew the way I used to be, always pushing the envelope. He’d probably think I was boring now if he knew the state of my life. I’d been celibate for over a year. I hadn’t actually had sex since my manic episode. I didn’t even know what it would be like anymore.

  I happened to glance at my watch right then, noticing I only had a few minutes to make it on time to meet May. I put away my cleaning supplies and dashed out.

  The scent of fresh baked goods assailed me when I stepped into the Busy Bean Café. Pausing, I glanced around, taking stock of the space. The café had a whimsical quality and felt warm and inviting. “Belle,” a voice called.

  Glancing over, I saw May seated at a small table. I waved. “Hey, be right over after I get some coffee.”

  I waited in line while a couple in front of me finished paying. Once I was at the counter, I quickly ordered a triple shot Americano. “What do you recommend?” I asked as I eyed the display case of baked goods on the counter. A striking woman with dark hair and dark eyes glanced over from where she was carefully placing some items inside the case. “Everything’s good. If you’re partial to scones, the fresh currant scones are delicious.” She cast me a quick smile.

  “Thanks for the recommendation. I’ll take one of those.” The girl at the register rang me up and quickly prepped my coffee.

  A few moments later, I slipped into the chair across from May. I took a swallow of my coffee. “Oh, my. It’s delicious.”

  May grinned. “It’s my favorite coffee shop. Alec’s sister, Zara, is one of the owners,” she offered.

  “Oh, really? That’s handy. Do you get a discount?”

  May chuckled. “Definitely not. Zara has four brothers. With Alec also owning two businesses, they have an agreement that there’s too many of them for them to offer discounts to each other.”

  “Makes sense.” I broke off a piece of the scone which was still warm on the small plate. The fresh tang of currants danced across my tongue. I moaned. “These are divine,” I added when I finished chewing.

  “I already had one.” May gestured to her empty plate. “Everything here is good. Audrey, Zara’s co-owner, is a chef like you. She even went to some program in France, after finishing culinary school. She’s married to my brother Griff. Like I mentioned when I told you about the job, he’s one of the owners at Speakeasy.”

  I nodded, replying, “I’m just a sort-of chef. I don’t have any formal training,” I offered, experiencing a stab of uncertainty. This new job was fun, and I loved cooking, like really loved it. But I definitely didn’t have any formal training, just years at the elbow of my mother who’d been a classically trained chef once upon a time before she went into law. In a way, my mother and I had reverse career paths.

  “How is it at Speakeasy?” May asked.

  “I like it. Everybody’s really nice. Phoebe, I suppose my official boss, is great. She’s nice and knows absolutely nothing about my life before.”

  May pursed her lips, her eyes softening as she looked at me. “Everyone has a past. Myself included,” she reminded me.

  I would be forever grateful for May’s help in finding me a good attorney after my mishap. It helped that they had scooted me over to the psych hospital within hours of my arrest. The professor whose car I’d stolen had been gracious enough to agree to have the charges dropped completely.

  May knew the entire sordid story. It was hard to go from top h
onors in law school for my first two years to completely losing control of the narrative of my life in my third year.

  Unlike me, May wasn’t stuck in the ditch of my regrets and moved the conversation along. “Tell me about you and Ty. He’s been in town since Speakeasy opened last summer, and I can’t find anyone who doesn’t like him yet.”

  I cast her a skeptical look because I knew she was fishing. “He is a nice guy. It’s just, well, I was looking for a clean slate here. It’s kind of hard to get that when one of my old hookups works with me.”

  May canted her head to the side. “Is that so bad? There’s nothing wrong with a little fun on the side. From what I can see, you’re working as hard as possible at living an entirely boring life.” May seemed to have volunteered herself as my mentor of sorts and definitely thought I needed to have more fun.

  “May! How much do you know about my life? You knew me at law school, but not that well.”

  “Girl, your story traveled. Not to Colebury, don’t worry about that. But you’ve been living here for what, a few weeks now? The only time anyone’s seen you out and about in town was when you had drinks last night with Ty.”

  “How the hell would anyone know?” I took a gulp of coffee, needing the fortifying rich flavor and the zing of caffeine.

  She grinned. “Sidenote: small towns are impossible. Plus, I saw you there.”

  “I know that, but how do you know I haven’t done anything else?” I countered, feeling contrary.

  “Because aside from Speakeasy and The Gin Mill, there’s really nowhere else to go in the evening. Unless you’re sneaking around.”

  I shrugged. “You’re right, boring is my motto. It has been for the last year or more.”

  “I’m not saying you should go wild. Look, I’m a recovering alcoholic and will be for the rest of my life. I totally get trying to keep things mellow. But you can have friends, and you’re allowed to have fun. Ty seems like a good guy. As far as I know, he doesn’t have a girlfriend.”