Miriam’s Quilt (Forever after in apple lake™)

by Jennifer Beckstrand

  “Please, no throwing up. I oiled these boots three days ago.”

  She took his hand. “Are you honestly going to be okay? I am worried sick about you.”

  He sighed in exasperation. “Give me a hug. And write every once in a while.”

  She melted into his arms, and without the slightest hint that the pain was torturing him, he squeezed her tightly.

  “I’ll be home for Christmas break, Lord willing.”

  “Gute. But I can’t promise you the new house will be ready by then.”

  “I love Ellie’s cooking. Christmas won’t be so bad.”

  They heard the front door shut. Dat, with Joshua, Jacob, and Priscilla in tow, stepped across the flagstones.

  “Good-bye,” said Joshua, giving Laura a brief hug and stepping away for Jacob.

  Jacob held on a lot longer than his brother, probably hoping to keep the memories from escaping his eight-year-old brain. Priscilla stepped forward and handed Laura a small piece of waxed paper with a violet pressed between the folds. “It’s a bookmark. You’ll be doing lots of reading, Seth says.”

  Laura gathered Priscilla into her arms. “I’ll write every week.”

  “I wish you would stay,” Dat said, giving Laura an awkward pat on the head. “But Ellie has talked until she is blue in the face. If she can’t convince you, I suppose nothing I say will make any difference.”

  “Nae, Dat. But it makes me happy to know that you want me to stay.” She threw her arms around his neck, and he pulled back in surprise before surrendering and wrapping his arms around his oldest daughter.

  Seth smiled and had pity on his fater. Dat loved his children as far as he was able.

  Britny and her parents drove up in their big white SUV. Her dad hopped out of the car. “Sorry we’re late. Britny has to look perfect, and that means every eyelash must be separated.”

  “Dad!” growled Britny from the backseat.

  “It was my fault,” Britny’s mom said. “I couldn’t find the camera.”

  Britny’s dad hoisted Laura’s purple backpack over his shoulder and her smaller suitcase under one arm. Dat and Seth carried the trunk to the back and slipped it beside Britny’s suitcases.

  Seth gave Laura one last hug and could feel her heart pounding against him. “Be good,” he said. “And stick with Britny. She knows what she’s doing.”

  Laura blinked away her tears. She wasn’t about to admit weakness to anyone. “Take care of yourself.”

  His obligations fulfilled, Dat went back into the house. Seth, Priscilla, and the little boys watched the car drive away until the taillights disappeared behind the bend in the road.

  * * * * *

  Seth pushed the stable door open, and the horses stood at silent attention to honor his return while he lit a lantern. It felt as if he’d been gone for a whole year instead of one day. How he was ever going to pitch hay or muck out the stalls or train his horses with one hand was anybody’s guess, but none of the horses were missing, the stable was still standing, and he was alive. Put on a scale, his blessings were great indeed.

  She materialized just as he thought of his blessings. Like an angel of mercy, she stepped into the stable and gave him a look of concern that pretty near melted his heart.

  “How are you this morning?” Miriam said, coming close and brushing her fingers along the bruises on his face. She bit her bottom lip. “You should lie down.”

  He straightened his shoulders and didn’t even flinch at the pain that seared through his rib cage. An inaudible groan escaped his lips. “Would you like to help me get these horses watered and out to pasture?”

  She studied his face for a split second, her lips pressed into a line, and went to hook up the hose.

  Miriam helped him put the horses to pasture. Seth didn’t think he could handle the stallion with one hand but was a little nervous about letting Miriam do it. He didn’t want the spirited horse to hurt her.

  He needn’t have worried. Miriam handled the stallion like a trained expert. Seth rubbed the whiskers on his chin as he watched her. Maybe she did know more about horses than he did.

  The mucking out proved more difficult.

  “Let’s work together,” Miriam said. “One stall at a time.” She laid two shovels across the wheelbarrow and pushed it to the first stall.

  Seth picked up his shovel. Using one hand, he scooped the manure, but the pain wouldn’t allow him to raise the shovel high enough to get the manure into the wheelbarrow. The shovel tipped and his load fell on Miriam’s shoes.

  His heart sank. Even being with Miriam couldn’t lift his spirits today. “Sorry. I am useless.”

  She shook off her shoes. “Considering you were in the hospital yesterday, it is a miracle you are even standing.” She smiled reassuringly. “Do you have a can of WD-40?”

  “Jah.”

  “Those doors could use a squirt or two.”

  Seth gave her a half smile and surrendered his shovel. He went to his storage shelves and retrieved a can of lubricant.

  “Your brothers will be here soon,” Miriam said. “And Hollow is coming after work. And my dat can spend the day tomorrow.”

  Seth knelt down next to the lowest hinge and felt very ungrateful indeed. Miriam Bontrager was watching out for him. What else could he ask for?

  He studied her as she cheerfully loaded the wheelbarrow with fresh manure. Ellie wouldn’t have come within ten feet of the stuff.

  The thought that he once disliked Miriam seemed incomprehensible to him now. If he went a day without seeing her, he felt out of sorts, that things weren’t quite right with his life. She was like a bright light in a deep cave. He held his breath. Did she ever think of him that way?

  Someone like Miriam could have any man in the world. Why would she even spare a second thought for Seth? His prospects for supporting a wife were questionable. He didn’t have a proper home. Most of the time he lived like a farmhand in his stable. He wasn’t well-known in the community, having spent so much time with only his horses. His sister had gone off to college, and his mother had taken her own life.

  Not a good list of qualities for a girl looking for a husband.

  Not by the stretch of anyone’s imagination would he ever measure up to Ephraim Neuenschwander, the minister’s son.

  Seth couldn’t ignore the sting this realization gave him.

  Nae, more than a sting. A stab right to his gut worse than the pain of breaking his arm.

  He wiped a trickle of sweat from his neck. How had he let his emotions run unbridled like this? He was more than halfway to falling in love with Miriam Bontrager.

  His heart did a somersault. A lot farther than halfway.

  Once he recognized the pain, it seemed to fill every space in his body.

  He didn’t deserve her. She wouldn’t have him anyway. He thought he might turn to ice, kneeling there on the stable floor. Turn to ice and crack into a million pieces.

  Shifting away from her, he tried to pretend she wasn’t standing fifteen feet away, shoveling out his stalls with those soft hands that sent his heart racing when they brushed his skin. He tried to imagine instead that she had never come into his life and wipe her from his thoughts. It was his only hope of ever feeling normal again.

  The door on the opposite side of the stable squeaked open. Reuben and Jonas Shetler appeared at the threshold. Reuben strode through the door while Jonas ventured a single step inside. Seth jumped to his feet as quickly as his sore muscles would allow. He immediately went to Miriam’s side. If there was to be trouble, she must not be here.

  “Miriam,” he said, dismayed at how out of breath he sounded, “you need to get out of here now.”

  Miriam’s eyes reflected an almost irrational terror. She put down her shovel and, to his surprise, took a step to put herself between Seth and the Shetlers. He couldn’t believe it. He took her by the shoulder with his good arm and pulled her back, close against his chest. “Go out the far door, Miriam,” he whispered. “Go now.”
/>   “Not on your life,” she whispered back.

  Reuben grabbed the sleeve of Jonas’s shirt and dragged his son farther into the stable. Jonas hung his head and refused to look at anyone. His eyes were red and moist, and he sniffed quietly.

  Reuben looked like a different man than the one who had visited Seth’s farm two days ago. Deep lines of fatigue were carved into his forehead and cheeks. His mouth was turned down, and his eyes held none of the fire of their earlier encounter. They glowed dull and lifeless, as if he were too worn out to put up a fight anymore. “Seth, may I speak with you?”

  Seth nodded. “Miriam will go so we can talk.”

  “I won’t leave you,” she stuttered, standing her ground and looking first at Reuben and then at Jonas.

  Reuben clenched his teeth and glared at his son. “Do you see what your actions have sown? You are a disgrace.” He turned his gaze to Seth—eyes full of sadness. “Mary is in the hospital.”

  Seth couldn’t help it. Anger bubbled up inside him. “What have you done?”

  Reuben pressed his fingers to his forehead. “Jonas came home very late on Wednesday night.”

  Jonas, with his eyes still to the ground, wrapped his arms around his chest and began to cry.

  “When Mary heard of your broken arm, she guessed what happened. She locked herself in our room and bawled like when her sister died. She would not let me come to her.”

  Seth remembered Reuben’s stern countenance on Wednesday. He could not blame Mary for shutting her husband out.

  “I finally broke the handle and forced my way in. She was lying on the floor and…” Reuben’s voice cracked, and he bowed his head in humiliation.

  “Miriam doesn’t need to hear this,” Seth said.

  Reuben put his head in his hands. Except for Jonas sniffling softly beside his dat, the silence in the barn was oppressive. Reuben massaged his brow and raised his eyes to Seth’s face. “The doctor said she hadn’t cut deep enough to bleed to death.”

  Miriam gasped and covered her mouth with her hand.

  Seth growled as his anger and frustration exploded like a pot boiling over on the cookstove. “I tried to tell you. She has been depressed for several months. She needs help. You would not believe me. Why didn’t you believe me?”

  Reuben pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. “I did not want to think that my Mary could be like your mother.”

  He might as well have slapped Seth across the face. Guilt tore through him.

  My mother.

  If only I had been there…

  He felt as if he were falling backward even as he stood still.

  Miriam must have sensed his anguish. She reached back and took his hand in hers. Her grip steadied him, and he stopped falling.

  “How could I have known?” Reuben said. “I thought she was lazy, sleeping all hours of the day to avoid caring for the kinner or doing her chores. When she cried, I scolded her. A woman of faith does not want to leave her children. A woman of faith does not wish to die. I thought your group sessions were foolishness. I forbade her from coming back.”

  “And what do you believe now?” Seth whispered.

  Reuben took a deep breath and chewed on Seth’s question. “I am reaping the consequences of my stubbornness.” His voice cracked and he could say no more.

  Jonas lifted his head. “I didn’t know she came here for help. Dat was so mad at you. I thought…I thought…”

  “We know what you thought,” Miriam said, squeezing Seth’s hand. Her touch gave him courage and called forth love from deep in his heart. Any resentment he might have felt for Jonas and his fater melted away like snow in the warm sunlight.

  He savored the feel of Miriam’s skin before releasing her hand and stepping forward to wrap his good arm around Jonas’s neck.

  “I am sorry, Seth,” Jonas said, bursting into a flood of tears. “I am sorry for what we did to you.” Jonas’s tears soaked Seth’s shirt while Seth held on tight. “It is my fault that my mamm did this.”

  “Nae, nae.” Jonas must not carry the guilt for this. Seth knew how it felt to bear the crushing weight of remorse. “This is not your fault. Your mamm has been suffering for a long time.”

  “But if she had not been so upset about my wickedness—”

  “It might have happened anyway. She was very, very unhappy.”

  Reuben’s head snapped up and his gaze seared a hole through Seth’s chest. Seth hadn’t meant to hurt Reuben with such talk, but Reuben might as well face the truth. How many times had he begged Reuben to look past his own pride and see his wife more clearly?

  Jonas kept sobbing, as if crying would wash away the burden of guilt. “Scott said that if we scared you, you would leave my mamm alone. I never wanted to break your arm or give you those bruises. We—” He glanced at Miriam. “We got carried away, especially Scott. It all happened so fast, as if I was watching it instead of doing it.”

  “I care nothing about what you did. It is forgotten between us.” Seth pulled away and pinned Jonas with an intense gaze. “Do you understand? It is forgotten.”

  Jonas merely nodded. He could not answer with the sobs racking his body.

  “I only care that your mamm receives the help she needs so she can get better.”

  “The doctor has put her in a special place in the hospital,” Reuben said. “He wants her to be there for at least three weeks.”

  “Yes,” Seth said. “That is what she needs. Hurting herself was another cry for help.”

  Reuben rubbed that spot just above his eyebrow again. “Jah. I wouldn’t listen to the others.”

  Seth released his hold on Jonas and approached Reuben. “But now you understand?”

  “I do.”

  “Then that is all that matters.”

  Reuben nodded, deep in thought. “But where do I go from here?”

  “Talk to the doctor first. He will know how to manage the medicine and therapy. When she comes home, she needs to know that you love her and you don’t think she is wicked. Try to understand what she is feeling. Right now, she thinks you don’t care—that you only see her as the woman who cleans your house and takes care of your children.”

  “That is not true.”

  “But that is how you behave.” Seth might as well be blunt. Beating around the bush wouldn’t do for a man like Reuben Shetler.

  An argument flashed in Reuben’s eyes before he slumped his shoulders and looked away.

  “When Mary gets home, I want you to allow her to come to our group therapy sessions every Tuesday night,” Seth said.

  “I will come with her.”

  “Nae. Mary will not speak freely if you are there, and she needs the therapy more than you do.”

  “My wife should be able to tell me everything.”

  Seth nodded. “Jah, she should. But you must earn her trust.”

  Reuben turned his back on Seth and rested his hand against the post. He had been confronted with enough hard truth for one day. Seth would say no more.

  The longer he stood there, the more effort it took for Reuben to speak, like a man who hadn’t slept well for several days. “When Jonas is not at the mill, he will be here to help until your arm is well. To make up for what he has done.”

  Seth pursed his lips. “Now that Mary is in the hospital, I think Jonas had best help at home.”

  “All the same, he will be here. He must make amends where he can. I and my other children will handle the load at home.”

  Reuben patted Jonas on the shoulder, and they trudged slowly from the stable. The squeaky door declared their departure.

  Seth filled his lungs with air. He felt as if he’d held his breath the entire time the Shetlers were here. He turned to Miriam. Her presence surrounded him like a fragrant flower that made the world seem more beautiful. She looked at him with undisguised tenderness in her eyes. The expression made his heart leap in his chest and beat an unfamiliar and wild cadence.

  “I could never have been so kind,” s
he said, leaving the stall to be close to him. He loved the way she smelled, even with manure all over her feet. “I’ve never known anyone to be so little concerned about himself. You are amazing.”

  He shouldn’t let her praise go to his head. She made him feel as if he were floating three feet off the ground. “Nae, do not say such things. I was very concerned for myself on Wednesday while running away. I wish I did not harbor ill feelings toward anyone in the first place.”

  “But that is why you are amazing. If you never got upset, you would never need to muster the strength to forgive. I admire your strength.”

  “You would do the same thing.”

  Miriam’s face clouded over. “I wouldn’t. I’ll never forgive Yost. You are stronger than I can ever be.”

  “If you keep saying these things, I will start to believe them.”

  She twitched her lips into a brief smile then grew unusually solemn. “I am sorry what he said about your mother.”

  Seth looked at the ground. “It didn’t mean anything.”

  “You don’t like talking about her, do you?”

  Seth swallowed the lump in his throat. “No use dwelling on bad memories.”

  “But there must be some gute memories too.”

  Seth walked back to the squeaky door and picked up his can of lubricant. “Gute memories won’t bring her back.”

  * * * * *

  With the chores done, Miriam went to her room to avoid Yost. She had finished sewing Seth’s quilt top together last week. Even on her new, slick treadle sewing machine, piecing together the blocks had been several hours’ work. She always took great care on her quilts. Now the frames straddled her bed with the half-stitched quilt stretched like a tent across them. Mamm and Susie had both helped with the quilting.

  With Seth’s quilt, she felt she sewed memories of his mother right into the patterns. When he looked at the Log Cabin square, would he remember reading books with her? Or would the basket pattern bring to mind how much she liked flowers?

  After threading the needle, she dove in to her work. Miriam hoped to finish the quilt by next week so Seth could use it on his cot when the weather turned cold.