Please Don't Feed the Vampire!

by R. L. Stine

  Before you can react, the figure darts out and lunges at your dad!

  Under the lamplight, you see who it is.

  Carrie Mosher — a girl from your school!

  “Aaaahhh!” your dad screams as Carrie sinks her long white fangs into his flesh!

  Hurry to PAGE 92 — before it’s too late to save your dad!

  You decide you want Gabe to ring the bell.

  Hold on.

  What kind of a wimp-out is that?

  And what are you afraid of, anyway? The doorbell might jump out and bite you?

  Face it. You’re never going to have an exciting adventure if you keep letting your best friend do everything!

  You’ll just go on making more wimpy decisions. And that will eventually lead you to another page like this one! A page where you’re stuck facing the two worst words in the world —

  THE END

  You think you can talk your way out of this?

  Hah! That’s a good one!

  Just picture it. Two bodies. Each with two small holes in the side of the neck.

  And you’ve got two fangs.

  It’s a no-brainer.

  Mr. and Mrs. Morgan call the police. You’re hauled off to jail.

  Your own parents are so ashamed, they won’t even testify as character witnesses for you at the trial! The jury quickly convicts you of double murder.

  You get a life sentence. Well, at least you’ll have plenty of victims in jail, you think.

  Unfortunately, they put you in solitary confinement. Permanently. You sit in your tiny cell, growing weaker and weaker. But you can never die. For you, a life sentence is really an eternity.

  THE END

  “Let’s check out the pet store,” you tell Gabe. You take off in that direction.

  But when you reach the door, the pet store owner is locking up.

  “Hey!” you call, knocking on the glass. “It says on your door that you’re open until nine o’clock P.M.!”

  “Not tonight,” the owner mouths, waving you away.

  Inside, you can hear parrots screeching wildly, dogs yipping, cats screaming. All the animals are going bonkers.

  The owner waves you away again. She’s a strange-looking elderly woman with green eyeglasses and messy, bleached hair.

  “Doesn’t she look like — like Weniger?” you ask.

  Gabe peers at the woman. He gasps.

  “Yeah!” he agrees. “You’re right! She looks just like Weniger — in a wig and a dress!”

  Turn to PAGE 55.

  You join the other vampires and lick the blood.

  Hope you enjoy the thrill. Because you just failed the taste test. The right answer is: Lick blood off someone’s face? Gross me out!

  Before your friends find out you picked this ending, close the book. That’s right, shut it now! And don’t even think of opening it again until you’ve said, “It is not normal to drink blood,” five times.

  But say it to yourself.

  Because if your friends hear you chanting, “It is not normal to drink blood,” they’ll think you’re pretty weird.

  They might even begin to wonder if you’re a vampire!

  Hey. On second thought … are you?

  Nah. No way. You couldn’t be.

  Could you?

  THE END

  As the moon rises, you and Gabe approach Weniger’s house. In the distance, you hear Fifi howling. Until you step up to the front door.

  Then the howling stops.

  There are no lights on inside. And Fifi is nowhere in sight.

  “Ring the bell,” Gabe orders, pointing.

  You ring it three times before Weniger finally answers.

  “Yeah? What is it?” he asks gruffly.

  Uh-oh. He has two small marks on the side of his neck.

  “Uh, Mr. W-Weniger,” you stammer. “You called me about my dog, remember? The big black poodle. Where is she?”

  “I didn’t call you,” Weniger snaps. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Then he slams the door in your face.

  “Whoa,” Gabe mutters. “I don’t believe that guy! Ring the bell again.”

  “You ring it,” you say fearfully.

  If you want Gabe to ring the bell, turn to PAGE 107.

  If you want to ring it yourself, turn to PAGE 53.

  “Yessss,” Mr. Reuterly hisses.

  “Mr. Reuterly?” you gasp. “You’re … you’re a vampire?”

  “I’m glad we see eye to eye on that.” He snickers, putting his glass eye back in. “The salesman gave me quite a discount on those Vampire in a Can costumes,” he adds with a soft chuckle. “He said it was because we’re ‘blood brothers.’ Ha-ha-ha!”

  “What a yuckmeister,” you mutter sarcastically.

  “Well, I suppose we should be talking in a more serious vein,” Reuterly says. He cackles. “Vein. Get it? Vein?”

  He swoops down on you suddenly. Wrapping you in his cape, he lifts you off the ground. Then he jumps — into the deep, wet grave!

  This is no joke!

  Go on to PAGE 119.

  Your dad follows you. “There’s a special plastic film on the mirror,” he explains. “It’s something your uncle Todd invented, to use for special effects in movies.”

  Your dad reaches up and peels off the plastic layer. Now you can see your reflection.

  “So it was all fake?” you ask.

  “We know how much you love vampires,” your mom replies. “We wanted to make your birthday really special. Now, everyone into the dining room for cake!”

  What a night! This has been the most amazing surprise birthday party ever.

  You sit down at the table, starved and thirsty.

  But when your mom pours you a glass of cherry punch, it looks exactly like blood.

  “Uh, thanks, Mom,” you say, “but I’m not thirsty.”

  “Oh, but I insist,” your mom says. Her eyes glitter red.

  She’s a vampire!

  Terrified, you turn to Gabe and your father.

  They hiss and bare their fangs at you.

  Oh, no! They’re vampires, too!

  Well, this will be one birthday you’ll never forget!

  THE END

  “Raw steak? Puh-lease,” you tell Gabe. “I need the real deal. Or at least that special sauce from the packet.”

  “So now what?” Gabe demands.

  “Let’s go to Scary Stuff.”

  As you and Gabe rush toward Scary Stuff, dogs howl at you. Those mutts sense that you’re a fellow creature of the night.

  Suddenly a Doberman leaps at you, barking viciously!

  Turn to PAGE 7.

  You and Gabe argue about the cure. “Garlic and water — and no more,” you insist. “And we can’t eat anything, either. For four hours and a day.”

  Gabe is convinced that drinking the Garlic Spray will kill you. “After all, we’re vampires!”

  What if you’re wrong? What if Gabe’s right — and the Garlic Spray kills you?

  You’ve got to decide.

  If you drink the Garlic Spray, turn to PAGE 28.

  If not, turn to PAGE 120.

  “What’s my third choice, Einstein?” you repeat.

  “The third choice is to stay in your room and do nothing,” Gabe says. “Hide out and hope that this vampire thing wears off. But that’s dangerous because —”

  “I know,” you interrupt him. “Because what if it doesn’t wear off? What if I can’t stop myself from biting someone?”

  “So what are you going to do?” Gabe asks quietly.

  “There’s a fourth choice,” you tell him.

  “Huh? What fourth choice?” he asks nervously.

  “Maybe being a vampire is way cool.” You grin evilly. “Maybe I should just go around biting people.”

  You see a flicker of fear in Gabe’s eyes. And you love it!

  Make a choice.

  Choice #1: You go back to the Eyeball Man. Turn to PAGE 26.

  Cho
ice #2: You do research about vampires. Turn to PAGE 45.

  Choice#3: You hide out in your room and hope the vampire thing wears off. Turn to PAGE 9.

  Choice #4: You like being a vampire. Turn to PAGE 80.

  A trapdoor! “Nooooo!” you scream.

  You’re falling!

  You plummet through musty-smelling air for a few seconds. Then — THUD! You land on a soft, damp pile of earth.

  It’s pitch-dark. You feel around. The room is small. Its walls seem to be made of rough stone. No windows.

  At last, your fingers find a wooden door. You try the knob. Yes! It turns!

  When the door opens, you hear voices. Laughter.

  Your legs tremble with fear, but you force yourself to move. You step through the door — and gasp.

  Before you is an enormous hall.

  Filled with vampires!

  Turn to PAGE 84.

  You crouch down in the garage to wait it out.

  Outside, the dogs keep howling. Clawing at the door. They smell me, you realize in horror. They smell my blood!

  Finally, an hour later, you hear Gabe’s voice outside. You jump up and peer out the window.

  To your surprise, he’s carrying a bunch of dog biscuits. He walks straight toward the vampire dogs!

  “Here, Buttermilk. Here, boy,” he calls.

  You watch, amazed, as Gabe tosses a dog biscuit to each vampire dog. One by one, they calm down. Their fangs shrink, then disappear. The howling stops.

  Fifi comes trotting toward Gabe with her fangs dripping blood. But when Gabe gives her a dog biscuit, Fifi wags her tail. She gulps down the biscuit. Suddenly she becomes a normal, lovable dog again!

  Sighing with relief, you cautiously open the garage door and come out. You give Fifi a big hug. Then you turn to Gabe. “Wow!” you exclaim. “How’d you do that?”

  “I’ll never tell,” Gabe says mysteriously. “Unless you let me drink your blood!”

  Turn to PAGE 6.

  “Help!” you scream as you and the Eyeball Man fall into the open grave. You land with a thud.

  “Hush!” Reuterly commands. “Do you want to wake the dead?” He laughs hard at his own dumb joke.

  Then he becomes serious. “Not long ago I was ill, close to death. But the vampires came, offering to make me a blood brother. To give me eternal life. In return for selling Vampire in a Can.”

  “Let me go!” you cry, pushing away from him.

  “Quiet,” Mr. Reuterly says. “I’m trying to help you. I’ll show you all the tricks of our trade — and I ask only one thing in return.”

  “What is it?” you ask fearfully. You know the answer isn’t going to be pleasant.

  But you might as well hear it. So go to PAGE 124.

  “Fine. We’ll do it your way,” you snarl at Gabe. “We don’t drink the garlic and water. And we eat nothing for four hours and a day.”

  “Good,” Gabe replies.

  “But I’m hungry already,” you whine.

  For the next few hours, you and Gabe just sit in your room, waiting. Hoping that you’re doing the right thing.

  And getting hungrier.

  Your stomach starts to rumble. Your mouth is dry. Your throat is begging for liquid.

  “I can’t stand it anymore,” you announce suddenly. “I need something to drink!”

  You jump up and lunge for the door. But Gabe is faster. He leaps to his feet and blocks your way.

  “No, you don’t,” he warns. “We made a deal.”

  “No deal!” you shout. “Get out of my way!”

  You shove him. He starts grappling with you.

  Before you know what you’re doing — you bare your fangs and bite Gabe on the neck!

  Turn to PAGE 33.

  You dart out of the bushes and dash off into the night. You don’t think about where you’re going.

  All you know is that you’ve got to get away. Away from the horror of seeing your best friend bitten — and turned into a vampire!

  You’re smart, so you manage to sneak through the bushes and back alleys — and escape Mr. Morgan. Pretty soon the police siren fades away.

  You make your way to a town where no one knows you. You get a job at a diner. Working the night shift, of course.

  A few years later, you meet and fall in love with a customer, who also turns out to be a vampire. You marry and have lots of little immortal vampires. And you live happily ever after … and after … and after … and after …

  THE END

  “Raw steak? It’s worth a try,” you tell Gabe.

  He leads you to his kitchen. From the refrigerator he pulls a raw steak. “Shouldn’t we cook it a little?” Gabe asks. “You don’t want to get any germs.”

  You sneer. “You think germs bother the undead?”

  “Well, when you put it that way …” he replies.

  You pick up the meat in your hands and slurp at it. Blood drips down your face.

  “Ummm. Yummm,” you mumble. The cow’s blood runs through you. Giving you strength. Making you feel alive again.

  When the steak is sucked dry, you lick the plate clean.

  Gabe watches, horrified. “You’ve turned into an animal!” he says. His eyes are filled with disgust.

  Turn to PAGE 65.

  When you get to Weniger’s, all the shutters are closed up tight. Dead leaves lie in drifts around the lawn. The place looks spooky, like a vampire’s fortress.

  You go up to the front door and ring the bell.

  No one answers. But the door isn’t locked. It swings open when you touch it. Nervously, you step inside.

  “Hello?” you call into the dark living room.

  The only answer is the screech of a parrot. The bird swoops down from a tall bookshelf. It divebombs you, heading straight for your face.

  When it opens its beak, you see fangs inside.

  Oh, no! It’s a vampire parrot!

  You crouch down to protect yourself. At the same time, you wonder:

  Can this vampire parrot talk?

  If you fight off the bird, turn to PAGE 37.

  If you try to talk to it, turn to PAGE 96.

  Mr. Reuterly bares his fangs.

  “I want just one thing from you,” he breathes. “Blood.”

  Your eyes widen in fear.

  “No, no,” Mr. Reuterly says quickly. “Not your blood. You’re one of us. But I’m running out of humans who trust me. Humans I can get close to. You, on the other hand, have many young human friends.”

  “My friends?” you whisper, horrified.

  Mr. Reuterly nods. “Yes. Or your enemies — I don’t care. Just get me into their homes — at night….”

  “You want me to betray my friends?” you ask, outraged.

  “In return, I’ll teach you everything you need to know about vampiring,” Reuterly offers. “Because otherwise, you’re bound to make mistakes. You’re so young.”

  Mistakes? What mistakes?

  If you want to hear more about his offer, turn to PAGE 31.

  If you refuse to listen and you run away, turn to PAGE 52.

  “Pretty soon,” the chatty parrot continues, “we all felt ourselves changing. Growing fangs, getting thirsty for blood. You know. The whole nine yards.”

  “Then what?” you ask impatiently.

  “Then Jeremy Weniger brought us all here,” the parrot adds. “He said this would be a safe place for us until he could figure out a better strategy.”

  “You have a big vocabulary,” you comment.

  “Thanks,” the bird says modestly.

  “So where’s my dog now?” you ask.

  “Your dog?” the parrot screeches. “That was your dog who bit me?”

  “Uh, well …” you stammer.

  But it’s too late to make up a fib. The parrot has already begun his attack.

  With one powerful swoop, he dives at your neck.

  Turn to PAGE 13.

  You sleep so soundly, almost nothing wakes you.

  Not the phone
ringing the next morning. Not your mom calling you over and over, saying the phone’s for you.

  Finally, your mom marches into your room. She pulls open the blinds, letting the sun pour in.

  “Phone for you,” she says. “It’s Gabe. He says he’s found a cure — whatever that means.”

  A cure? Great! As you begin to smile, your mom yanks off your blankets.

  “Come on, sleepyhead,” she urges.

  As bright sunlight hits your face, you screech in pain.

  Oops!

  Too bad your mom didn’t know you were a vampire. A vampire who can’t stand daylight. She just burned you to a crisp.

  Good thing it’s time for breakfast. Because you’re toast!

  THE END

  SCORING FOR TEST

  If you picked “a” for one or both questions, you have more good sense than we thought. Give yourself ten points for each “a” answer. But then ask yourself: “If I’m so sensible, why am I taking this dumb test?” Deduct ten points unless you can answer that question in twenty-five words or less.

  If you picked “b” for one or both questions, you might not have much good sense — but you have a great sense of humor! Give yourself thirty points for each “b” answer.

  If you picked “c” for one or both questions, you have no common sense — but you have a great sense of adventure. Give yourself fifty points for each “c” answer.

  If you refused to take this test, give yourself one hundred points.

  Add up your score. If you scored at least ten points, you passed the test and may continue reading this book.

  If you didn’t score at least ten points, whoa! Check yourself into the nearest hospital and have them test for a pulse, brainwave activity, and other signs of life.

  If you passed the test, turn to PAGE 128 and follow the old woman. And trust her this time!