Swagger (Radioactive Tales of Love)

by Nikki Prince

  Cruz thrusts his fingers into my hair and tugs me closer. He’s so strong.

  I want more, so I continue to breathe through my nose, not wanting to part lips.

  He easily maneuvers one of his hands through the top of my blouse and into my bra.

  I’m lost from first touch. I hadn’t been with anyone for a long while. I hear myself whimper into his mouth and then I gasp, as he tweaks my nipple into a firm little nub. The car fills up with the sounds of harsh breathing and I come to realize it’s both of us. I’m aching right now and it isn’t a bad ache. It goes all the way from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I’m so wet it’s almost uncomfortable. I feel myself tremble

  Cruz places his lips on my neck, nipping, licking and sucking on the skin there. He’s going to leave a hickey.

  I don’t care. I want his mark. I turn my head to the side, so he gets more of my neck and the rumbling purr that fills the car is all mine. Cruz nips my skin and it stings, but I like that kind of sting. One that hurts so good—it makes your toes curl. My toes are curling all right and he’s making me wet between the thighs.

  “You smell so good, what are you wearing?” He says, nuzzling my neck.

  “It’s a scent called Vanilla Crush,” I whisper softly and then moan.

  “It’s driving me wild. Hell, you’re driving me mad with need.”

  “My other breast needs some attention.” I can’t believe I just said that, but he makes me bold and if I don’t ask for what I want…I won’t get it. I want him. I’ll keep asking until that perfect time when we’re moving together in sync.

  Cruz growls softly against my skin and I quiver then sigh as he cups the other breast and pulls on the nipple.

  “Like that baby?”

  “Ohh, yes just like that Cruz. Mmm that is so good.” My breasts are so sensitive, I push my chest up into his large hand, so he’s cupping my breast fully. It’s a good thing and a bad thing that we’re in his car. The good thing is—we can only do heavy petting. The bad thing is—we can only do heavy petting. I groan softly as he pulls the skin of my neck into his mouth and sucks hard. Yes, this is what I want…Him marking me with his need. His touch burns my skin in the right way. My nipples are so hard they twinge with a pleasure too intense and I tremor.

  I want him inside of me. Thrusting in and out of me, until I am screaming his name and he’s screaming mine.

  Cruz takes his mouth from my neck and cups my chin. “I don’t know how much more of this I can take before I need to be inside of you.”

  Never before did something sound so right. Yet, I knew in my heart this wasn’t where we should come together for the first time. I could see in his eyes that he was pretty much in the same zone. There’s also the fact we still need the air to clear between us. I need to take slow and steady steps toward the ultimate prize, the ultimate goal...Cruz Montoya. Staring into those sea green eyes, I know that no matter what happens—our time together is meant to be.

  “Kiss me,” I state. Reckless and hungry. It’s an order and I didn’t care. I want him to do it and people who sat around waiting for things—didn’t get what they wanted. I want his kiss and I wasn’t afraid to ask for it.

  He touches his lips to mine and it’s almost an angry sort of kiss in its force.

  I don’t mind it at all, because I understand it. I grasp how he and I have been playing this sort of tag in our relationship since we were teens. I kiss him back just as hungrily. I bit at his bottom lip, then tug at it before letting go. I put my forehead to his and breathe deep, trying to calm the craziness going through my head and my body. “I can see what you mean about knowing how much you can take. I don’t think I can take much more either but there’s so much that we need to talk about, to take care of before we do what our bodies are craving to do...” I’m rambling. I can’t help it. My thoughts are scrambling quickly as desire spreads through me.

  “Yes, we do need to talk.” He exhales, his breath fluttering through my hair.

  “Baby steps?” I know how hard it is for me to talk about the shit going on in my life. I daresay, his story has to be harder and I want to give him the space he needs without spooking him.

  He doesn’t say anything but I feel his nod as we’re still head to head. I give him a moment, just holding on to him.

  “Yeah, I need some time, Rox”

  “Well, you were talking to me about what happened at home with your mom and your dad. You want to continue from there?”

  “Not with my hand on your breasts and you sitting in my lap like this!” He laughs.

  “Oh! Right.” I give a nervous giggle and slip off his lap, back to the passenger’s side of the vehicle.

  He adjusts himself and then huffs. “I think I need some air. How about we go and sit on the hood and talk for a little?”

  “That’s fine with me. I want you comfortable when we talk. It’s a little hot in here any ways.” I wink at him and get out of the car, closing the door and waiting for him to get out. Cruz takes a few minutes and the assumption goes through my head—it’s because he’s so turned on he needs the break. I give it to him of course.

  I hear strains of music and note that Cruz has turned on Muse once more. It isn’t blaring, so that its noise pollution, it’s on just enough so the sound of Feeling Good can be heard. I love that cover by them. Though, I have to say Nina Simone’s version is my absolute favorite. So many people covered it but Muse nailed it. I feel really good at the moment. Really, really, good. I’m so lost in my thoughts I don’t hear him come up until he wraps his arms around my waist and lays his head on my shoulder. I jump slightly.

  He squeezes his arms around mem, hugging me tight. “Sorry, I thought you heard me.”

  “Nope, was listening to Muse and thinking I love how they sing this song. I was also thinking how appropriate it is for this moment.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Mm-hmm—I’m feeling so good right now. It’s cliché to say it, but it’s true. You make me think that there are such things as working things out and forgetting all the bad shit that seems to float around so much.” I turn in his arms and just take him in.

  He’s gorgeous; but it’s more than that. He’s intelligent and behind those green eyes, I see his pain but I also see his capacity to make others smile. He has the ability to make me smile and live in the moment. He’s what I’ve always wanted. Now I just have to do what needs to be done to keep this feeling and him. Cause—boy, do I want to keep him!

  Cruz walks backwards with me in his arms until the car stops him. With a wry grin, he sits on the rooftop, slides smoothly back and then held his arms out for me.

  I hop up and settle between his legs as he holds me again.

  “So, where were we?” he asks softly.

  “Well, we’ve already decided not to keep up with the heavy petting for now. So, that means you were going to talk to me about your mother and father.”

  The optimism in his eyes feels enlightening to me. I mean here’s this man who held so much inside and he’s willing to let me in. It seems a little scary too, because he might have the notion that I might not be able to deal. That wouldn’t be his fault; it would be mine entirely, because I might not be strong enough. I turn back around, leaning against him, just wanting him to give him the sense of how he could say whatever he needed to and I wouldn’t judge.

  Chapter 13

  Cruz

  “It’s hard to talk about it Rox, but being here with you makes it a little easier.” The CD changes to another song and I just hold her in my arms. I keep the music on a loop which is fine. It beat the silence and I think it makes us both a little more comfortable to not have a total absence of sound. Taking a deep breath, I got the nerve to start telling her about my past.

  I want to start with my mother. The one woman I never thought would let me down. “My mom was so special to me. I think I worshipped her as a child. So, when she left me, left us I was crushed. I became that child people thought of as trouble and up to
no good. You have to have heard the rumors about me and my brother Francisco?” I stopped talking, so she could say something—anything. I wanted to make sure she comprehends what I was saying.

  “I heard that you guys did some things, but I never thought it was anything out of the ordinary that would get you arrested Cruz.”

  “Yeah well, Cisco and I did a lot of stealing. We were caught doing underage drinking, smoking—you name it we did it. Things that got us labeled as bad kids.”

  “Bad enough, so they sent you to juvenile hall you mean?”

  “Yeah that bad, though I’m not finished. I want to talk about mom. It’s like I can’t begin to talk about the rest, if I haven’t talked about her. It’s kind of a healing balm for me if I talk about her first.”

  “Where is Cisco? I mean you got arrested and your family just—vanished.”

  “I’ll get to that.” I exhaled noisily. It came out like a sound of pain.

  She rubs her fingers on my thighs gently and didn’t speak as she did it.

  It feels good and I don’t complain. “The thing is my mom always told me she’d never leave us. Then my father with his alcoholism pushed her further and further away from us. Dad had a friend, who came around more often when dad was there and when he wasn’t.”

  Roxie continued to caress my legs gently.

  I couldn’t figure out if it was just for contact, to soothe me or both. Either way, I wasn’t stopping it.

  “Do you think that they planned to have an affair?”

  “Now that I think of it—in retrospect…No. I think he—Uncle Marco as we called him, was just there to try and help my mom.”

  Roxie nods her head and stays quiet.

  “She started to get distant and as a kid I thought it was something I did. I mean my dad was always telling me if I’d just listen…mom would stay. Dad said if I didn’t make him drink, if I didn’t make him beat us. She would have stayed with us. If, if, if—there were so many ifs and at six, I didn’t understand any of them. All I knew was she left us and my father was saying I was to blame for it…”

  Roxie seemed to stiffen next to me as she listened.

  Tears well up in my eyes and I hold them back, not letting them drop. A knot forms in my throat and it becomes so painful. I hate this part. It shows me as a weakling…someone who couldn’t cope. In juvenile hall, I needed to stop the tears, because tears brought on beatings from the other boys until I became strong enough and no one tried to hurt me anymore.

  She stays quiet beside me and seems to wait for the rest.

  I will the tears to stop and went on with the sad tale, “The night my mother left…She left me and Cisco in the hands of our father. She’d told my dad that she was going to go be with a real man. She left with Uncle Marco to god only knows where. Dad became so piss drunk that he kept mixing Cisco up with my mom. He kept ranting and raving that she was the reason he was drinking. That if she loved him, she would do anything for him and would stay. He grabbed Cisco and began to hit him. Cisco was so small like my mom. Delicate in a way. I’d always been the more athletic type, whereas he would rather deal with computers and things like that. Sports weren’t ever his forte.”

  “How old were you then Cruz?” Her voice sounds shaky.

  Roxie is crying for me. For me? “When mom left for good, I was ten. So, she lasted four years between the time she changed when I was six. The real trouble started with my father after that. Once the beatings started, they didn’t stop. Dad would come home every day drunk. Cisco and I escaped by going to find things to steal. Just any reason to be away from the house—we did it. Cisco even started doing weights to bulk up, so he could stop dad from beating him so much.” I wrap my arms around Roxie a little tighter. She’s real and something I could always hold on to.

  “You okay?”

  I could hear the concern in her voice. I wasn’t going to lie to her and tell her I’m okay when I’m not. A lie has a way of following you and I didn’t want that between us. “Not really, but holding you makes me feel like nothing bad will ever happen again. I know it’s foolish to say and to think. Bad things happen. You just put me on top of the world and the pain isn’t as fresh.”

  She stops moving her hands on my legs and then turns in my arms.

  I see the tears sparkling in her eyes.

  She is crying for me.

  “This is hard for you, I can sense it.” She leans up and kisses my lips so feathery soft, so fleeting.

  I hold on to her and kiss the tears that streaks her cheeks.

  “Thank you for trusting me with this—with what hurt you.”

  “The depressing thing is, is there’s still so much to tell you.”

  My stomach growls and she snickers. “Well yeah, there is a lot to tell, but your stomach has other ideas.”

  I don’t want to leave. Even though I’d been telling her my sob story, I want to stay right where we were. I didn’t want to let her go. If we went to eat, I would have to.

  “You owe me cheesecake.”

  “That I do, but I don’t want to stop holding you. Can I hold you just a little bit longer before you mutiny on me for food?”

  “Hey! I’m not the one whose stomach is sounding like a friggin grizzly.”

  I shook my head with a chuckle. This is exactly why I like this girl. She could make me laugh and smile even when I didn’t want to. “A grizzly? Woman, my stomach didn’t sound like a grizzly. I’m hungry as hell, but grizzly I’m not.”

  “Hmmph, your stomach rumbled so loud it sounded like talking, Cruz.”

  I kiss the tip of her nose and hug her tight. “Okay, okay…get up, so I can get down and then we’ll find a little fast food place to feed my beast.”

  “That actually is a good idea. Mine is on the verge of trying to growl. I don’t want us to have dueling stomach issues.” She scoots off the hood.

  I follow her as she turns away, then grab her hand and spin her back to me.

  She lets out a little noise and then puts her hands on my chest. “What?”

  “Nothing…I just wanted to hold you again.”

  “You’ve been doing that all night.” She says this, yet she doesn’t move away.

  I count myself lucky that such a wonderful woman wants me as much as I want her. The feeling is undeniable, I know what I want and it’s her. I will just work hard to make sure all of my problems—my mistakes don’t stop what’s happening between us. I’d told her about mom, which is a really big move on my part. I hadn’t really told anyone about mom. Not even my psychiatrist got to hear as much as she has. In retrospect, it must be one of the reasons for my not moving forward. The story made me feel weak and a little tainted as if I weren’t supposed to feel as happy as everyone else. “I like holding you and I want more.”

  “I want it as much as you do. It’s going to happen and soon. I’m not fighting it at all. We just need to get to a point where we’re happy to take the next step.”

  I nod my agreement.

  She glances at her watch, then at me. “If we’re going to go and get something to eat, we need to do that now. Unfortunately, I have to be at the motel at 5:00 a.m. and I can’t be late. So, I’ll need to get some sleep before too long.”

  “Let’s go. If you would have let me pick you up, I could’ve taken you to eat, then home, instead of back to the motel.” The little dig was because I’m still wondering why she wouldn’t just let me pick her up at home.

  “It’s fine. Now come on…I want an enchilada and I know just the place to get it, Anchos.”

  I was about to tell her it sounded great when I heard another car drive up. This car has its lights on, so I couldn’t see the person who stepped out of it, moving towards us. I put Roxie behind me and get into a defensive stance.

  Then, the person speaks and I recognize right away who it is and the sixteen year old in me cringes. Officer Don Benson. One of the most racist people I’ve ever met. He was also the arresting officer when I was sent to juvenile hall. I couldn�
�t stop myself from stiffening up. I hoped Roxie comprehended this fact.

  “Well, well, well, lookie what I got here! What brings ya back here…boy?” Officer Benson shone his flashlight into our eyes.

  “We were just leaving, Officer Benson,” Roxie says over my shoulder.

  “I didn’t ask ya that girl. Now…Cruz Montoya tell me what ya doin’ up here with this girl. ” His stance looked combative.

  I had to hold my tongue as this was a uniformed officer and I didn’t want to get into any trouble. I fight the urge that bubbles up in me to punch him in his face. It wasn’t a good thing to me how he recalled me and my name.

  Officer Benson glares at me and he can’t really look at me eye to eye. He’s a short man, so short it’s an almost didn’t make it on to the force kind of short.

  “We’re just up here talking about old times, Officer.”

  “Is that right?”

  I couldn’t help but hear the sarcasm floating out of his mouth like a bad cancer. “Yes, that’s right.”

  “You two shouldn’t be up here. It’s a place where there’s known trouble. You ain’t trying ta cause any trouble…are ya?”

  “No, we’re not trying to cause trouble!” Roxie snapped.

  I found her hand and grip it slightly in warning.

  “You have ta let me be the judge and jury on that…girl. All this boy brings is misfortune. He was born from it. His daddy was a loser alkie and his mother was a whore. So, what do ya think that makes him?”

  Roxie gasped as she stared at him

  Shame floods me.

  He turns his hateful blue eyes to me and just stares.

  I don’t turn away from him…I can’t allow him to believe he’d won.

  “If I find out ya back and causin’ trouble, ya’ll regret it.”