Love You Anyways

by Mj Fields

  “A whole trailer full?”

  “Yeah. I don’t want any of it.”

  She nodded and grabbed my hand. “I wish I could be strong for you. I’m so sorry about all of this.”

  “You don’t need to worry your pretty little head about my crap. I got it.”

  “I really wish I could help you.”

  I smiled, kissed her hand and opened the driver’s door. She climbed in and readjusted the seat. I buckled her, leaned in to kiss her, and then forced myself to pull back. She grabbed my face, pulled it to hers, and kissed me. I couldn’t pull back and I kissed her harder. She opened her mouth letting me inside and I cautiously entered. I caressed her tongue and she did the same. When I pulled away she closed her eyes. I kissed her nose and stepped away.

  “See you soon, Baby?”

  She smiled. “You better, bud.”

  I watched her pull down the road and then turned to face the chapter closing in my life. As I was walking across the yard Ryan was pulling in. I waved at him and continued to walk.

  My phone beeped alerting me of a message.

  -Thank you. Weird but this song started playing as soon as I pulled out of the driveway. The radio says Come To Me by the Goo Goo Dolls. Something about a sweetest friend and growing old. I thought of you…TT

  I punched it into iTunes and bought it without even listening to it. And yes, because I was a fucking love sick bitch, I bought the acoustic version ringtone too. I set it as her message alert and ringtone.

  My phone played Come To Me.

  -Okay it was deeper than I thought so don’t listen to it…TT

  -You driving…LYA

  -Yep…TT

  -Stop fucking texting then Baby….LYA

  -Bossy…TT

  -Good at it…LYA

  -Lots to live for so I will accept the friendly advice. Harper is having a girl….TT

  -Loving my new ringtone. And that’s great she’ll be beautiful. And holy shit I banged a grandma….LYA

  -I should be scolding you! But you made me laugh and let me sleep so I’ll let it go…TT

  -Stop fucking texting…LYA

  “You done playing with your phone?” Ryan was following me

  I looked beside me at Ryan. “Yeah.” I shoved it in my pocket.

  “You done pushing everyone away?”

  I looked at him and said nothing.

  “Come on Lucas…”

  “Your wife is a cock block.”

  He laughed and patted me on the back. “Jade loves you both. She’s not in an easy position either you know.”

  “Yeah but…”

  “But nothing, that’s it. She loves you both. Oh and so does your godson who is coming home and going straight to the Cape. You better be there.”

  “I told her I’d go.”

  “When?”

  “A few minutes ago.”

  “Do I need to get Luke’s bedding changed before he comes home?”

  “No, but the carpet in his room may be stained.”

  “Wall bang?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Just now?”

  “No man, I held her so she could sleep.”

  “Awe you’re such a sweetheart.” Ryan threw his arm around my shoulder and we walked to the house.

  “Fuck you.”

  “Nah, my wife may block your cock but she begs for mine. Now let’s go get that trailer out of your damn driveway.”

  ~

  When Logan got home I was ready to go. He jumped in the SUV.

  “Hey Dad, you know Luke is going to be at the Cape?”

  “Yeah you wanna go?”

  “We can cut Jersey short?”

  “Yeah we can.”

  He slept the entire ride there. When we pulled onto the lake road, I saw a BMW backing out of the driveway. I looked over to see if Logan was still asleep and he looked at me.

  “Fuck that. I don’t wanna be here.”

  “Logan. Two days, that’s it.”

  “I’m eighteen in a week Dad.”

  “She’s your mother forever. She and I are separated; she can do whatever she wants.”

  “Sure.”

  I passed the house and kept driving.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Giving you some time to get it together.”

  “We got a year?”

  I smiled over at him. “Shit’s like poison, Logan.”

  “Mom?”

  “No, anger.”

  “How’s that?”

  “Who’s it hurting right now?”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  “If something happened to her tomorrow Logan, you don’t want this weighing heavy on your heart.”

  “She left, Dad. Not just the house, the fucking state.”

  Okay, I was gonna let that one fly. “In her defense...”

  “Really, you’re going to defend her after seeing that guy pull out of the driveway?”

  “I guess I am Logan. She didn’t grow up where I did or where you two did. It was probably hard as hell for her being there. All the people around there were my friends from high school.”

  “I can’t believe you are sticking up for her.”

  I pulled down his visor and flipped open the mirror. “Look in that mirror Logan. She gave me that. She gave you life. She’s human. Forgiveness bud is the best thing you can give. Not just for her but for you.”

  He didn’t respond. He sat and looked out the window nervously chewing on his nails.

  “I’m just so angry at what she did to you. And I’m angry that you’re not.”

  “Life is short and precious Logan. I wasted half my life being pissed and placing blame. Not anymore.”

  When I walked up to the house Ashley opened the door and looked just as nervous as Logan.

  She had lost weight and looked like hell.

  “Mind if I come in and grab a few things?”

  She stepped back and opened the door.

  She had painted and hung new curtains. “Looks good Ashley.”

  “Thanks.”

  “I’m tired.” Logan gave Ashley a quick hug and headed up the stairs to his room.

  “He hates me.” She said after he was up the stairs.

  “He misses you. He’s angry. He doesn’t hate you.”

  “You hate me.”

  “No.” I walked past her and towards the den. “Anything of mine packed up?”

  “Yes. Everything’s in the garage.”

  “Perfect. I’ll load it up. Thanks Ash.”

  She looked at me like she was confused. “I’m not your enemy Ashley. I want you to get back to normal. I don’t want them to wonder where their mom went.”

  “I have the papers.” She blurted out.

  I stopped and turned around and nodded. “I’ll take them and have my lawyer look them over and get them back to you.”

  “Rob already looked over everything, he said it looked good.”

  I held my tongue for a moment. “Great Ashley. My lawyer is still going to look at them as well.”

  “He’s not a bad guy.”

  “Ash…” I turned and looked at her. “I want you to be happy but forgive me if I don’t like the guy who has been fucking my wife for four years.”

  “They won’t accept him if you don’t.”

  “The kids?”

  “Yes the kids. But you’ll have it easy. It’s not fair you know.”

  “How do I have it easy?”

  “Tessa, you’ve groomed them to love her from birth.”

  “Okay Ash, we aren’t having a delusional conversation right now. This has nothing to do with her. Nothing. You keep your shit to yourself and I will.”

  “Oh I’m sure you will.”

  “We just drove around for thirty minutes because when we pulled down the road and saw your lover pulling out of the driveway of a fucking house I paid for, Logan was pissed…’

  “Because you were,” She hissed.

  “Oh here we go.” I threw my hands in the air.
“No, I talked my kid through why I wasn’t angry at you and why he shouldn’t be. But you keep pushing and playing the victim and he’ll be the one paying for your nonsense. Look at you. You haven’t seen him in weeks. You don’t call; I have to tell him to call you. Get your ass up the stairs and be a fucking mother.”

  “What the hell do you know about mothers Lucas?”

  “I’ve been both for years.” I walked past her and up the stairs and into Logan’s room.

  “Hey bud I’m out.” He rolled his eyes and nodded. “Call me if you need anything okay? I’ll be here.”

  I gave him a hug and walked out of the room, down the stairs and out the door. Ash chased me out with the papers.

  “Oh thanks Ash. Here’s something to strike up a conversation with your son about. He got accepted to SU. Go tell him you’re proud of him.”

  Chapter 18

  Goodbye

  I went to the lawyer’s and asked him to go through the divorce papers and get back to me, then headed to the office. Bones was there, feet up on his desk, ear buds in, and feet moving to the beat of the music. He had no idea I was there and I leaned over to see what he was looking at on his screen. Porn, girl on girl porn to be precise. Interesting use of a vibrator.

  I walked by, shoved his feet off the desk, and he jumped, nearly falling over. I laughed and he stood up and yanked his ear buds out.

  “What the fuck?”

  “What the fuck is right Bones. It’s Friday and ten at night. Don’t you have anything better to do than hang out here and watch porn?”

  “Free Wi-Fi Links. My boss is a cheap bastard and hasn’t given out raises in about six months. So I’ll get it where I can.”

  I laughed, sat down, and pointed to his beer. “You have another one of those?”

  “Oh sure take my beer too.” He tossed me a cold Sam Adams.

  “You have a company phone, car, gas card, and make a shit ton of money Bones. What more can I do besides tuck your ass in bed every night.”

  He laughed and took a swig of his beer. “I’m just busting your ass.”

  “What have you been up to?”

  “Running jobs and nosing around in state politics. Robert definitely has the backing for a run for US Senate. I bet he’s pissing himself waiting to see if you’ll make waves.”

  “I don’t give a shit what he does.” I drank more of my beer.

  “How you gonna feel when he shows up at Logan’s games and Ava’s wedding and…”

  “He leaves the media circus at home. Besides that, I don’t give a shit.”

  “Wow, what the hell happened to angry Links?”

  I grabbed my phone and then rolled my eyes at him.

  “Oh someone’s been poking a new hole.”

  “Bones,” I raised my eyebrow, warning him.

  “Nice. Is she hot? Younger. Big tits, come on give me something.”

  I pulled a copy of my divorce papers out of my jacket pocket and threw them across his desk. “Check these out and do some digging?”

  “Will do.”

  “Good. I’m gonna crash here tonight.”

  “Why not go to Landon’s?”

  “Dad doesn’t need me there. I imagine he and Audri are having a harder time with this than I am.”

  “Right cause your stepmom is also your sister-in-law.” He laughed at me.

  “Right Bones.” I stood and walked into the office and shut the door.

  ~

  I was going over my lawyer’s notes. He was suggesting that I take it to court. Sue for abandonment and adultery and not give her the Jersey house and half of the assets. I just wanted it done. I wanted her to not have a reason to fight me. I wanted us both to move on. I did however have a problem with her asking for half of future profits of a business I built. At least she wasn’t asking for half of the parent company. That would crush my father.

  My phone rang and it was Logan.

  “Where are you?”

  “At the office bud. What’s up?”

  “He’s here to meet me. Come get me or I’m gonna walk.”

  “Logan I’ll do whatever but I’m pretty sure you’ll have to eventually.”

  “Yeah, a fucking notice would’ve been good. She didn’t even ask if it was alright. I hate…”

  “Keep it together. Be the polite kid I know you can be and I’ll be there soon.”

  “I’m gonna pack.”

  “Do me a favor?”

  “Sure,” he grumbled.

  “Let me help you when I get there. And Logan, don’t tell her I’m coming.”

  Bitch!

  I grabbed my shit and headed out.

  I called my lawyer and told him to agree to nothing. My phone rang and it was Ava. Logan had called her and she was livid. I calmed her down and assured her I would take care of it. I asked her not to let it interrupt her time with Harper. I also agreed to drive up to the Cape tonight.

  My next call was to a hotel at the Cape. I was still gonna keep my distance, give Tessa space.

  When I pulled in Logan was hauling ass out the door. He jumped in the SUV as I was getting out. Ashley ran out of the house and Robert was right behind her. I grabbed her elbow when she started yelling at me.

  “Inside Ash, not in front of him.”

  Robertson grabbed me, “Let go of her.”

  Logan jumped out of the vehicle swearing and I took the little fuck Robertson by the tie and shoved him against the door. “Logan, get back in the vehicle.”

  “Fuck that!”

  “Enough. Get in now.” When I heard the door slam I looked at Robertson and let him go. “You don’t want to ever put your little rat claws on me again. Ash, in the fucking house!”

  I walked in knowing they would follow.

  “Did you tell him to call if Robert showed up?”

  “No. Thought you had more sense than to spring that shit on him. But apparently not.”

  “Watch how you talk to her,” Robertson warned and I laughed.

  “He also called Ava, who I just talked down from the fucking moon Ash. You want our kids to meet the man you’ve left them for…”

  “I left you.” She poked me in the chest and I grabbed her hand.

  “You walked out on them.” I released her hand.

  “I talk to Logan every couple days.”

  “Yeah,” I laughed. “I make him call you.”

  “Links, I am warning you.”

  I reached up, wanting so bad to palm his face to shut him the fuck up and pulled back. “No, here’s the warning. Don’t pull that shit on my kids.”

  “They’re old enough to…”

  “Ash, you wanna tell the little fucking worm that it’s none of his concern.”

  “Lucas don’t talk to him that way.”

  “Oh for fuck sake I may as well be talking to a bunch of window lickers. You two certainly aren’t that smart.”

  “Get out!”

  “Gladly, but keep in mind. Your dumb ass is gonna need to make nice with me cause I hold the key to whether or not your children ever deal with you again.”

  “You’re threatening her?”

  “No threats. That’s how it is.”

  “I have some shit up my sleeve too Links so…”

  “Robert.” Ashley whispered and shook her head no.

  “Well by the length of your sleeve something tells me not a whole hell of a lot would fit up it. I’m an open book Shaw. Do your worst.” I looked at Ash, “Again, a pleasure to see you. By the way, a trailer full of shit should be here soon.”

  “Lucas, I don’t want anything.” Ashley said softly.

  “Ashley, I do. I want you to think before you speak and act. They deserve more. Go out and hug your kid. He loves you.”

  “I can’t, he’s angry.” Again Ash sounded hurt.

  “Pull it together Ash. God knows you can fake it.” Unable to help myself I looked at Robertson. “I’m sure you have to do that a lot with him.”

  Ash said goodbye and we headed toward
s the Cape.

  ~

  When we arrived it was about five at night.

  Ava ran up and hugged Logan, “You alright Loggie?”

  “I’m good.”

  I followed the kids around back and the whole crew was there. I plastered on my smile.

  Tessa’s extended family owned a house right next door to her and Collin’s home at the Cape. That’s how she met him. She was running away from me, and the pain I had caused her, and right into him.

  They had met before, three times actually. Once after the death of a family friend, a guy who she got involved with after the first time I hurt her. At Toby Green’s military funeral in Syracuse. The second time was here. Again she was running from my high school bullshit. Collin was just a guy who was fixing up an old house. During that visit her elderly aunt passed away. Collin saw the ambulance and came to see what had happened to his kind older neighbor and found Tessa, an eighteen year old girl, clinging to her aunt’s lifeless body. He pulled her off so the paramedics could take Ann’s body away and held her until she calmed down and a familiar face showed up. Who happened to be the minister that ran a local summer bible camp Tessa had visited as a child. And that was the first of the three times they had met.

  Collin was raised in a hellish nightmare. That made my upbringing seem like a trip to Disneyland. His mother was a drug addicted whore who pimped her kids out for drugs. And if that wasn’t enough, she allegedly killed his older brother and sister.

  Back then I was so wrapped up in me that I remember her telling me they were meant to be. That they had met those three times and that she loved him. I was floored. Hurt. Pissed, and so angry at her. I was sure I had hurt her so badly she was seeking someone to hold on to.

  I was wrong. He loved her, protected her, cherished her, and he never hurt her. Collin Abraham was a good man, a good father, and believe it or not, a good friend.

  Alex handed me a beer. “Wanna help man the grill?”

  “Yeah, sure, of course.”

  “You alright?”

  “Just tired. Long drive.”

  “You look tired.”

  I laughed, “Thanks a lot. Let me go visit the little girl’s room and I will be right out.”

  I walked past the masses. Patting shoulders, saying hello, smiling, and into the house. I walked to the bathroom and shut the door behind me. Did I have to piss? Fuck no; I wanted to see what the hell I looked like. Yeah I have a few minor vanity issues. So what.