Love You Anyways

by Mj Fields

  “I’ll see you next week?”

  “Unless you want me earlier. I am a man of leisure now you know, which is code for, ‘I’m bored out of my fucking mind’.”

  I laughed. “I miss you.”

  “How much?” His voice was deeper, huskier.

  “Enough.” Too much, I thought.

  “I can fly too,” he paused for a moment. “Virginia Beach?”

  “You can’t,” I laughed.

  “Oh Tessa, you have no idea what I would do for you.” His voice was full of hidden intent.

  “Lucas, I will see you next week.”

  “Sure thing Baby. Now go take a nap. You’ll need it.”

  He hung up before I could say anything else.

  ~

  After dinner with Harper, Maddox, Emma, Brody, and the girls, I looked at the clock. It was eight thirty and I was exhausted. I suppose it was because some, not all, of the emotional gloom I had been dealing with lately was slowly disappearing.

  “You tired Harper?”

  “Exhausted, all the time.” She laughed and rubbed her belly.

  “How’s my granddaughter?”

  “Perfect. She’s moving. Do you wanna feel?”

  Maddox was sitting next to her with ear buds in listening to his playlist for a new set they were doing tomorrow. His hand was on her stomach.

  “Do you think he’d mind?” I laughed and Harper smiled.

  “Mom, anytime you want to touch my belly you know you can.” She smiled sadly at me.

  I looked at her and was struck with the knowledge that I hadn’t even touched her belly since she had gotten pregnant. I hadn’t made a big enough deal about what was the most precious time in my daughter’s life. I felt my eyes burn.

  “Harper, I am so sorry. Oh my God, where have I been for seven months?”

  “It’s okay Mom. You’ve been busy.” Her eyes teared as well. “I understand.”

  “I don’t. Not one bit. Oh Harper Ann. I…”

  “Mom. We lost Dad, my first child, Grandpa Harrison, I got married, we had a memorial service, and you’ve been with us on this tour. You’ve been here.”

  “Not enough.” I knelt next to her and held my hand on her stomach and Maddox opened his eyes.

  “She’ll be a soccer player,” he laughed and took out his ear buds. “She’s so active all the time.”

  Tears began falling and I laughed as I felt my granddaughter kicking. “She’s going to be amazing.”

  “Mom…”

  “No. No excuses, just the facts. Life was horrible for a while but I’m here now. No going back.”

  “He would want that.” Harper smiled and put her hand over mine.

  “I know that now.”

  “What’s changed?”

  “I don’t know. His letters. Time. Realizing that I have too much love to give. I am so excited about her Harper. Just going to warn you both now, I’m going to be taking her a lot.”

  “Where?” Maddox sounded uneasy and Harper and I both laughed.

  “After a few weeks I will take her to my room so you two can sleep once in a while. If she is cranky I am going to hold her so you can shower or eat or breathe. Mom did that for us. After the boys were born Collin had begged me to go get a haircut with him. Then every few weeks we went to dinner. Just an hour or two for us. You’ll need that.”

  “We won’t, will we Harper?” Maddox’s voice was an entire octave higher with panic.

  “I don’t know Maddox what do you think?” She looked at him and he held her stare for a bit.

  “Oh, um, yep we will need that once in a while.”

  “Not for sex. You can…” I began.

  “Uncomfortable.” Maddox whispered.

  “Oh please, the amount of times I have accidentally walked in on the two of you?” I laughed and so did they. “We need to plan a baby shower. Decorate a nursery, get everything set. She’ll be here before you know it. If not earlier like you were.”

  “Oh no our little one is scheduled on October thirty first. Its Dad’s birthday, she will not deviate from that plan. Right Harper?”

  “Mom knows I’m not all that impressed with the date Maddox, no need to rub it in.”

  “You never know.” I leaned down and kissed her belly. “I’m going to head back to my room. Goodnight, I love you all.”

  ~

  I showered and threw on a tank top and climbed into bed. I was ready for a good night sleep. I said my prayers as usual and settled in ready to toss and turn. I know Harper would forgive me but I knew how hard it was to forgive myself. I talked to Collin tonight. I woke to my phone and looked at the screen.

  “Lucas?”

  “Who else?”

  “Hi.”

  “Were you sleeping Baby?”

  “Yes actually.”

  “Sorry I know you need your sleep but I happen to be outside your hotel, hanging out on the beach.”

  “Your where?”

  “We never dated back then. I know we won’t have a lot of time to do that so I was just hoping maybe you can…I don’t know.”

  “Are you embarrassed?” I couldn’t help but smile.

  “Baby, just come down. Look to the left of your hotel when you walk out beach side.”

  “Okay.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yes.” I laughed and hung up.

  I ran into the bathroom and brushed my teeth and tried to make sense of my still damp mop of hair. I grabbed some shorts and threw them on. And looked for a sweatshirt. I grabbed the first one I saw and snuck out the door.

  I used the stairs knowing that Clive or Serge would be stationed at the end of the hall near the elevator. I was sneaking out. I laughed when I slid down the last three stairs on my ass. Damn flip flops.

  I opened the door and ran out. I stopped when I saw Lucas in a white linen top and khaki shorts that hit just above his knees holding a single white flower. I felt the butterflies dancing around in my belly just like they used to with him. Lucas was beautiful. He was that all American Abercrombie and Fitch looking kind of guy, even at his age. He was six foot two. The only reason I knew that was because Collin was an inch taller than he was. He had dark brown, almost black, hair and blue or green eyes, depending on the color he wore. He was built like a quarterback back then and still was to this day. Square jaw, and flawless masculine features, adorn his face. Leading to his prominent deltoids and very impressive set of abs, and well, let’s just say the defined V wasn’t pointing to anything less impressive than the rest of him. He was rugged looking but not over the top buff, except when he was playing pro ball. He always took care of himself very well. His legs were thick and his ass, even thicker. He exuded confidence and his looks demanded attention. Just like him. Most of the time.

  He tilted his head and looked a bit confused. That was the Lucas I always fell for. The softer Lucas who allowed you to see past the natural confidence and into the vulnerable side. I started walking towards him now and smiled. He bit his lip and smiled back. I ran up and fell into his embrace. His big warm hug made me melt. It was always comfortable in his arms. Which at times seemed to make me lose my senses completely.

  “There you are. You stopped for a minute. You kind of had me going and not in a good way either.” He leaned down and very softly kissed my lips. He stepped back and looked me up and down slowly. “You alright?”

  “Well back there I was checking you out.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Uh huh. You’re very nice to look at.”

  He laughed and took my hand and started leading me into a darker section of the beach.

  “Before that I fell down the last three stairs on my butt.”

  He stopped and handed me the white rose and then turned me around. He kneeled down with his hands holding my hips and he kissed my butt over and over again. I laughed and then I felt his strong wet tongue running slowly back and forth just inside my waist band.

  “Lucas.”

  “Better?” His hand ran up m
y inner thigh and I felt my back arch slightly towards him.

  “Yes.”

  “Good.” He stood up and took my hand. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

  “Where are we going?”

  “On a date Tessa.” He chuckled.

  I saw a cabana in the distance that was glowing and I smiled.

  “It didn’t start that way before and it should have.”

  I stopped. “It was supposed to be a mess back then or I wouldn’t have…”

  He turned and looked at me. “I don’t regret marrying Ashley. I have two beautiful children because of her. This isn’t about any of that. It’s about righting wrongs. Wrongs, that like it or not, I see clearly now and I want you to know that I am sorry it ever was like that with us. But I wouldn’t go back okay?” I didn’t answer. “Do you trust me?”

  “Yes, no, Lucas this is…”

  “Going to be a night you’ll never forget if you just trust me now Tessa.”

  I nodded and he smiled and turned and walked to the cabana.

  He pulled back the curtain. “After you.”

  I walked in and sat on the blanket that covered the entire area inside. There were candles, music, strawberries and wine.

  He sat next to me, opened the wine, and poured me a glass.

  “Thanks.” I laughed and covered my mouth.

  He smiled and poured himself one. “Weird?”

  “No it’s nice, it’s just not, I don’t know.”

  “Us?” He asked.

  “Yeah I guess but I’m also feeling. I don’t know. Silly?”

  “You aren’t alone. All the way here I was questioning what I was doing. I ordered flowers and went with the normal yellow roses and Gerber daisies I always got for you but then decided I needed to switch it up. Wine, but which kind will she like? Which kind will make her smile? Which kind will get her naked fastest?” He laughed and so did I. “I want this to be the same. The ease that we always had when talking. The laughs, the fun, did I mention the talking?”

  “You did.”

  “Good because I miss that. I miss that so much.” He held my hand. Do you remember Molly’s shower at the pond? You and I fought; I almost didn’t show up…”

  “Of course I do.”

  “Do you remember everything about it?”

  “The baby?”

  “Okay, it had been six months, I remember that. But I didn’t then.”

  “It’s alright; it was a long time ago.”

  “Okay fine. But I need you to know when things really changed for me and why. Not an excuse but something I want you to know that I’m fully aware of and will never do again.”

  I nodded and swallowed hard.

  “I was an ass. Pissed off and wallowing in my own bullshit. You were hurting too and I just kept up my shit because I needed to protect myself. Ben was head up his ass about you then and didn’t even try to hide it. He’s the only guy who had the balls to tell me about myself. He was leaving to attend school overseas because he was in love with you. He couldn’t stand to see what I was doing to you. The girl he knew growing up was a shell of herself. He told me what a fuck up I was. I had felt that all my life growing up with Landon as a father. I knew I would never be any better. I asked you if you wanted to try to have another baby. Just grasping at whatever I could to make you stay with me and I realized the only way I could lose you, was by hurting you. I knew I was going to lose you then. I fucked you in the pond under the dock with your family on the shore. The kid, who respected your father enough that I tried my damndest to keep my hands off you under his roof, fucked you while they were all ten yards away. It was then I began treating you like a possession. I held too tight knowing I was gonna blow it and a guy like Ben was going to get you. The girl I loved. But then it didn’t matter, all that mattered is that I knew when I fucked up you’d be back. I needed that. It disgusts me now. As much as I didn’t want to hurt you I couldn’t stop because I knew I didn’t deserve you. I wasn’t good enough or deserving enough of your love.”

  “You were Lucas…”

  “Here’s the deal Tessa. I wasn’t because I didn’t love myself then. I didn’t know who I was capable of being then. As many times as I walked away, wanting to save you from me, I dragged you back, and you came because you knew who I could become. You knew who was deep inside of me hidden under the front I carried; the boy abandoned by his Daddy; the boy who wasn’t enough for his Mom to want to try to stay sober for; the guy that girls fucked for a good time. You chipped away at him. You cracked the shell enough for him to pull himself out of that hell, but he couldn’t until he knew himself who he could be. It took losing you for good, to a man like Collin, to realize that the life I dreamed of, the one you wanted with me, was attainable. But it was too late and I went fucking crazy. I was done with ball, I had lost you, I had hit rock bottom and you weren’t there to pick me up. It took losing you to get there. When Ash stopped over to Dad’s one night to drop off the mail because they were away I was sitting behind a pile of coke big enough to end the pain. She and I got stupid fucked up and had sex for three days straight without sleep. She told me about her failed relationship and I did the same. After that day we were inseparable. Then you told me you thought she was the one. You told her too and that did it. We didn’t do drugs, we went on real dates, I treated her like gold and it felt so good to give love like you had given me. We got married soon after that. I should have treated you like that. I should have treasured you like I did her. But if you and I had never gone through all that shit I wouldn’t have changed. If you hadn’t have married Collin, I would have probably treated you the same damn way forever. We wouldn’t have had five kids between us and, hell; I would have probably ended up dead. You marrying Collin wasn’t just good for you Tessa. He changed me too.”

  I looked up at him and wiped my tears away. “You wanted to die?”

  “I didn’t want to live. Kind of the same thing.” He smiled sadly.

  “I want to say you should have told me but…”

  “Nothing would have changed.”

  I nodded.

  He smiled and wiped his thumb across my face removing more tears.

  “White roses. New beginnings, clean slates, the only girl who was pure from the first time we met. The only girl who I will ever trust with my heart. The girl who I know will trust me with hers too.”

  I smiled and then took a drink.

  “I want a do over in the water. I want to make slow, sweet, it doesn’t even matter if I come, kind of love tonight. This date is just you and me, connected in a way that should start our new beginning.”

  “Here?”

  “Virginia Beach is for lovers Tessa.”

  I laughed.

  “No really I saw a sign when I drove in.”

  He leaned in and gave me a soft kiss as he held the back of my head, angling it so he could kiss me deeper. I melted into him and he pulled slowly away.

  “One more thing. I told you years ago the kind of guy you deserved and you got him. You’re so amazing you deserve another, so if memory serves me well, I said that you needed someone who likes music and can move. They have to be intelligent. Someone who is funny, your laugh Tessa should never be stopped, it’s infectious. It has to be someone who shares your values and loves family. Someone to let you explore who you are and when you’re ready and sober, explore them. They have to love to talk or at least love you enough to listen. They need to enjoy every part of you. From your perfect face, flawless skin, tight body, eyes they could sink into forever, and perfectly wavy hair that just begs their hands to touch it, to your wit, voice and your little tantrums. If they don’t crave you every second of every day they don’t deserve you. If they succeed and they don’t search for you to share that with them, they don’t deserve you. If they don’t need you by their side during every part of life they don’t deserve you. If when they fuck up they don’t love you enough to let you go, they don’t deserve you. I will never fuck up again. I am perfect
for you and you for me. I love you Baby and someday you’ll trust me enough to say the same. But if you can’t say it then show me Tessa. Show me that you think I’m still worthy of the greatest love I have ever known.”

  “You remembered those words?”

  “I’ve written them down for Ava.”

  I laughed and then stood up and pulled my shirt over my head and reached down and did the same to his.

  We slowly took our time taking each other clothes off and kissing softly as we continued. He took my hand in one of his, grabbed two towels with the other, and we walked to the water. He sat down and guided me in front of him and then slowly brought me down onto him.

  He guided my hips slowly. When I tried to move faster he slowed me. “I just want to be inside you as long as I can Baby.”

  He caressed my breasts and licked my nipples, teasing me unintentionally. Each whimper or moan I made caused him to continue his pleasure filled movement. We kissed each other with deep need and desire and looked into each other’s hooded, glassy, not quite satisfied eyes, until neither of us could take it.

  “Baby I need to come but I don’t have anything on.”

  “I want you to come inside of me.”

  “Okay but what if…”

  “I got the Depo shot a few months ago.”

  “For me?”

  “For us.”

  “For us.” He purred repeated my words in my ear. “Can you get there?”

  “I’ve been there. You take me the rest of the way.”

  “Do you know how good you feel inside?”

  “I know how...” He pulled me up tight against him so there was no space or separation. “Oh God.”

  I felt his cock swell even more and he hissed. “Damn.”

  He grabbed my hips and kissed me hard as he guided me up and down him until I felt the burn turn to insane waves of pleasure ripping through me. “Oh yes. Lucas I… Oh Lucas I want to say it.”

  “Fuck!” He roared and his cocked pumped his hot liquid into me as he thrust up and down until I couldn’t move or even produce a sound. I was breathless and limp against him as he continued pumping into me repeatedly.

  He held me and kissed me between his slow deep breaths. Our hearts pounded at the same pace and our intakes of air were in sync. He laughed, having noticed it too.