Secrets We Keep

by Angel Lawson

  Mr. Baxter spins the ring on his finger. “I’m glad to hear she did the right thing.” He looks at my dad. “Get this boy home and fed. We’ve got a game to win Friday night.”

  He walks off to his shiny black BMW, and I follow my dad to the car. Inside, I say, “I still can’t believe she did it.”

  My dad gives me a sympathetic look. “I’m so sorry this happened, son. For everyone. Her family is going to be devastated all over again.”

  They are, and the thought of facing the Wallers makes my heart hurt. The thought of seeing Juliette, who held out so much hope, and then trying to explain all of this to Kenley…

  I look out the window, staring at the bay as we go over the fateful bridge. I’d finally won her back, and then I’d only walked away from her. There’s no way she won’t see this as another betrayal.

  If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past few weeks, it's that I may be as dangerous to the girls in Thistle Cove as anyone.

  36

  Kenley

  The news breaks that night.

  I’m still sitting at my desk, waiting for Finn, when my phone skitters across the surface at the exact moment my mother shouts to me from downstairs.

  “Ken! Come see this!”

  I rush down the stairs, heart pounding. Finn had gone to the police station that afternoon, and now there’s breaking news. This can’t be good.

  The TV is on when I get to the living room, both my mom and dad watching intently. I don’t sit. I just stand in the doorway, blood rushing to my ears. If I lose Finn again. If he really hurt her…

  Janice Hill stands in front of the police station, the bright light from the camera highlighting her face.

  “We’ve been told by the Thistle Cove Chief of police that there’s been a break in the Rose Waller case. What we do know is that, moments ago, Finn Holloway walked out of the police station with his father and lawyer, Ezra Baxter.” She looks over her shoulder. “Here comes the chief now.”

  It’s not just Chief McMichael that walks out the front door of the police station. It’s Mr. and Mrs. Waller. They don’t look good.

  “As of tonight,” the Chief says, “We’ve officially ruled the disappearance of Rose Waller a suicide. Over the past few weeks, evidence has proved that Rose was a very lost, sad, and desperate girl. We believe that on the night in question, she parked her car on the bridge and took her life, falling over the edge. Her body has still not been found.”

  “Chief,” Janice says, “Can you tell us what happened with Finn Holloway?”

  “Finn is a good young man caught in the middle of a bad situation. He provided us with the final pieces of evidence that confirmed our suspicions all along.”

  The chief steps back and the Wallers move forward, Regina dabbing her red-ringed eyes. Mr. Waller approaches the microphone. “We’d like to thank the police and community for their efforts in searching for the truth about what happened to our daughter Rose. It’s a heartbreaking shock to find out that she was struggling and didn’t feel like she could come to us, or anyone else for help.”

  I still, knowing the truth. She had come to me for help, and I turned her away. They may know the truth, but it hasn’t absolved my guilt. If anything, it’s intensified it.

  “As of today, I am adding to my Mayoral campaign promises; a suicide awareness, prevention, and support center here in town. Rose didn’t feel like she had anyone to help her and now, in the aftermath, we struggle to make sense of what happened. This is something our community needs and deserves.”

  The camera cuts away and I’m still frozen in the same spot.

  Rose killed herself.

  Finn is innocent.

  And I still have so many questions.

  “You okay, sweetie?” my mom asks.

  “I, uh,” my mind whirls. What about the SugarBabies account? What about the keycard I found? “I guess so. It’s just a lot to process.”

  “Poor Rose,” mom says, giving me a tight smile. “I know that when you two stopped being friends it was really hard on you, but I won’t deny that there have been times I thought it may not have been the worst thing for you.”

  I frown. “What do you mean?”

  She takes a deep breath and glances at my dad. “It was pretty obvious she was getting involved in some risky behavior. The parties, the sneaking out, the pranks, drugs, her intense relationship with Finn. I wanted you to have a little more time to grow up first.”

  “You knew about all that?”

  “We may be old, Ken, but we’re not dumb. It’s a small town and people talk, including parents. Rose was on the fast track to trouble, and I’m not sad you weren’t a part of that. I am sad that it ended this way for her, though.”

  I glance back up at the TV and see they’re rehashing the past few weeks. “I think I’m going to go to bed.”

  “Night, sweetie,” my dad says.

  “You let us know if you need anything, okay?”

  I nod and head back upstairs, feeling more numb than anything else. When I get in my room the first thing I see is bright light coming from Finn’s window. My heart leaps and I rush over to the desk, climbing on top to get it open. A moment later I’m on the roof, peering across the space, searching for him.

  “Kenley,” a voice says from right behind me.

  I yelp and fall backwards. Strong hands catch me, pulling me back upright.

  “Mother of—” I gulp for air. “Finn?”

  “I’m sorry,” he says, removing his hands once he’s sure I’m not going to fall off the roof. “I know you told me not to jump over here again, but I had to see you. I looked in the window and you weren’t there. I figured I’d just wait.”

  It’s good to see him, smell him, but I hesitate. He may be free, Rose’s case may be solved, but we left things in an awkward place.

  “You scared the shit out of me,” I confess, “but I wanted to see you, too.” I look him up and down. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine. I just…well, I’m sure you saw the video. The police had questions and I had answers. Things I wasn’t ready to admit or really, accept yet.”

  I take his hand and lead him to the edge of the roof. We sit, like last time, side by side. Unlike last time, I hold his hand the whole time.

  “Tell me everything.”

  And he does, starting with the fight at the gas station and the revelation that he broke up with Rose that night and angrily took back the necklace. He explains how he tossed it over the bridge, which is why it was found in the water. And how all of this, along with the other evidence, convinced police that Rose really committed suicide.

  “The truth is that I was scared to face that truth the whole time, because if Rose killed herself, it was likely I had a hand in pushing her over the edge. Not literally,” he adds quickly, “but emotionally.”

  “Trust me, I get it. If I’d talked to her that night, maybe none of this would have happened. She needed forgiveness, and I didn’t give it to her.”

  He wraps his arm around me and holds me tight. There’s no need for either of us to offer the other absolution. It’s time to own up to our part in all of this. Ezra is probably carrying the same kind of guilt.

  “I’m sorry I stormed out of Ezra’s house the other day. Seeing you in that outfit, it shook me. It scared me. I don’t want you going down the same dangerous path as Rose, even if it’s fake.”

  “It was a stupid idea.”

  He shifts to face me, lifting my chin so we can look into one another’s eyes. “It wasn’t. It was deviously smart. And scary. It proves how dedicated you are to your friends—even when they don’t deserve it. Rose would have been impressed.”

  “Maybe, but obviously it didn’t have anything to do with her death. The police have closed the case.”

  “It’s proof she was in a bad place and acting out with risky behavior.”

  Risky and empowering. Taboo. It’s like all the things in those Eden books we were obsessed with. Maybe Rose neve
r stopped craving that kind of life, and somewhere along the way it shifted from fantasy into something real.

  I look into the green eyes of the boy next to me. The boy I’ve loved forever. I don’t need fantasy. I need him, and crazily, I think I may finally have a shot.

  “I don’t know what you’re thinking right now,” he says, brushing a piece of hair off my cheek, “but I do have a question.”

  “What’s that?” I ask, my voice barely a whisper. His eyes dart down to my mouth.

  “Can I kiss you?”

  I nod, and he takes my face in his hands, holding my eye for a long beat before he bends, brushing his lips across mine. It’s sweet, gentle, careful…not the manic passion we’d shared on Rose’s bed. Which wasn’t bad. It was great really, but it’s not the first kiss from Finn that I’d dreamed of for years. This one though... I fall even harder for him as he deepens it, offering it as a promise. A kiss full of hope. A kiss between a boy and a girl with nothing holding them back, discovering one another not for the first time, and definitely not the last.

  37

  Kenley

  The door of the cottage is open when I get there, a wisp of smoke curling toward the sky. I stick my head in and frown.

  “You started without me?”

  “You were late, babe,” Ezra says, shifting over on the couch. “Don’t worry, we saved you some.”

  Sitting on the small table is the box Ezra keeps his stash in. It’s empty, the final joint burning in between his fingers. Rose’s memorial service is tomorrow and we all agreed it was the perfect opportunity to get high one last time. From now on, no more drugs.

  The memorial service is tomorrow, which we’ll all go to, but the four of us felt the need to say our own goodbye to Rose, and we decided this was the perfect place.

  “When I first moved here,” Ezra says, staring down at the joint, “Rose was the first person—kid—I met. My parents' marriage was already rocky—always had been—and they thought maybe moving back to Thistle Cove would reignite their relationship or something. Our dads were obviously friends in high school, so it made sense that they invited us over when we moved here. Rose had a party and introduced me to all of you.”

  “I remember that day,” I say, “it’s rare when someone new moves to town. We were excited.”

  He looks at each of us, eyes lingering on mine. “Our friendship didn’t last, well, other than as a business relationship. Without you guys holding us together, and both of us struggling with our own issues, there wasn’t much there. But I owe her for introducing you all to me way back then, otherwise I don’t think we’d all be here right now.”

  He takes a drag and passes the joint to Ozzy.

  “Rose and I didn’t always get along. I thought she was a princess. She thought I was a know it all jerk.” He tugs at his cap. “We were both right. There’s no universe where Rose and I would be good friends, but, last spring we did have a run in.”

  I frown. “What are you talking about?”

  “Mrs. Gimple wanted me to submit my creative writing essay for the summer camp that I wanted to go to. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I wasn’t convinced it was good enough—not to compete with all those other kids from all over the state. I was at the post office, envelope in hand, paralyzed with insecurity. That’s when Rose walked in. She had a stack of flyers for her father’s campaign she was there to mail. She looked at me with and said in a snotty voice, ‘What are you doing, loser?’”

  Ezra shakes his head, and Finn just looks annoyed.

  “What did you do?” I ask.

  “I said, ‘I’m trying to decide if I should send this story in, so I can spend the summer away from Thistle Cove. Thank you for making that decision for me.’ And shoved the envelope in the slot.” He takes a drag on the joint, exhales and says, “I figured if I didn’t have to see her all summer, then it would be worth it.”

  “That’s a terrible story, Ozzy,” I say. “And I believe every word of it.”

  He hands the half-burned joint to Finn, who stares at it for a moment. His eyes flick to mine, and I reach out and take his hand. “Rose was everything to me for a long time. We went through a lot of ‘firsts,’ you know. But somewhere along the way she stopped being my friend and just became a ‘thing.’ In my life. An accessory, or something.” He sighs. “In the end, I’ll miss Rose, my friend.”

  It’s a nice sentiment. It leaves out a lot, but Finn will have to mourn the loss of Rose in a whole different way than the rest of us. I’m just glad he’s here with us and not dealing with the weight of it on his own.

  It’s my turn, and the joint passes between us. I’ve spent years dealing with my emotions about Rose. Everything from sadness, to anger, to pettiness, to loss. I’ve already mourned my friendship with her, but this is different, I’m actually mourning the person herself.

  I look around the little cottage. “Rose and I had a lot of good times. Sleepovers and birthday parties, middle of the night ice cream fests. We shared our dreams, our hopes, and futures. Until we were fourteen we did everything together; watched the same movies,” my eyes flick to the One Direction poster on the wall, “listened to the same boy bands and read the same books. We were yin and yang, and I’ll be honest, even though I had a fantasy that one day we’d be friends again, I always knew it couldn’t happen. There was too much pain, and we weren’t the same people anymore.”

  I hold up the joint in a toast. “To Rose, the best friend I had and lost. The mystery. The myth. The legend. I hope it was worth it.”

  I lean back and take a long drag, feeling the burn in my chest. I hold it as long as I can, wanting to numb myself just a little. This pain is something I never want to endure again.

  I pass it along and lean back in the seat, my leg touching Ezra’s. The room is closed in, and we’re all getting a little hot-boxed and high.

  “Tell us a little more about those books you used to read,” Finn says, his feet not so accidentally bumping into mine.

  “What books?” Ozzy asks, head lolled back on the back of the chair.

  “You remember those novels Kenley and Rose were reading all the time?”

  “Finn,” I say in warning, knowing where this is going.

  “The creepy covers? With the weird families?”

  “Yep,” Finn says, a lazy but mischievous smile tugging at his lips. “They were basically reading porn.”

  “What?” Ezra says, jolting up, like he’d just joined in the conversation.

  “They were not porn,” I say, waving them off. If I wasn’t stoned, I’d be horrified and embarrassed, but I am, and I kind of find the whole thing hysterical. “They were taboo, forbidden romances, filled with family drama and intrigue.”

  “And explicit sex scenes,” Finn adds.

  “The weird thing,” I say, unashamed of my reading choices, “is that after finding out about the sugar daddy stuff, I’m not really sure I’m surprised Rose was into it. She loved the taboo content.”

  “What about you?” Ezra asks.

  Ozzy hasn’t said a word, he’s just watching our exchange quietly, eyes darting between us.

  I tilt my head and take them in, each looking imposing in the undersized furniture. Finn handsome as always, strong-jawed, wide-shouldered. He’s caught somewhere between boy and man, but over the last two weeks he’s aged. Changed. I can tell from the glint in his green eyes, he really wants to know the answer.

  Ozzy’s got his cap tugged down over his ears, but that doesn’t hide how his cheeks have leaned out over the last six months and the oversized T-shirt with a small hole up near the collar can’t hide his lean, fit body. He’s smart, so smart, to the point that when he looks at me like he is right now, I feel like he can see right through me.

  Ezra’s the wild card; the drug charges, the record, the reputation. He’s spent the past few years half-feral, under-supervised and spoiled. His skin is warm and smooth, his lips full—almost like a girl’s—and when he smiles, it’s a sexy dare that mat
ches the dangerous swagger of his walk. I haven’t kissed him, but I kind of want to.

  So yeah, maybe I am into the taboo. I try not to blush when I answer truthfully, “I may have my own desires that don’t conform to societies expectations.”

  Finn swallows thickly. “Like what, uh, exactly?”

  I sit up and pluck the joint from Ezra’s fingers and take a long, slow drag. When I finish, I bend down and do something I’ve only seen in movies. I touch his jaw and encourage him to open his mouth, shot-gunning the smoke between his lips. The smoke travels from my mouth to his, slow and sensual. I end it with a small, brief kiss.

  I sit back down and pretend that they’re not all watching me, jaws dropped, on high alert.

  “Now I’ve kissed all of you,” I say matter-of-factly.

  A full thirty seconds pass, and they still haven’t responded, so I take a deep breath and say, “I like all of you. Ozzy for your smarts and wit. Ezra for persevering through shitty times. Finn because…well, you’re Finn. I’ve always liked you.” I give him a small smile. “But I’m also not the same girl I was when I was twelve—when we all hung out before. Maybe if Finn had manned up Freshman year and asked me to homecoming, we could have had a traditional happily ever after. Maybe if Ezra’s parents hadn’t gotten divorced, or Ozzy hadn’t retreated into himself… but that’s not what happened. We grew and changed. The past two weeks we experienced things we never knew could happen, and for me, one of those things is, like Rose, I want more. I want something different…something better.”

  Ozzy, the fastest of the three, says, “And that’s all of us?”

  “If that’s something you can handle.”

  Ezra’s forehead is furrowed with deep lines of concern. “Are you saying you want all of us? Like right now?”

  “It’s a relationship, Ez, not an orgy.” I wink. “At least not yet.”

  “Jesus,” he mutters, rubbing the back of his neck.

  “I’m seventeen. I want to date you. All of you, and we’ll see where it goes from there.”