God's Wisdom for Navigating Life

by Timothy Keller

  When was the last time you saw a larger community divided by a conflict between two individuals? Have you yourself been drawn into such a division?

  Prayer: Lord Jesus, technology makes it so easy to be caught up in a quarrel not my own. But you refused to become “a judge or an arbiter” (Luke 12:14) in disputes that were not crucial to your mission. Give me the humility and singleness of mind to not take sides or fuel these wildfires of the tongue. Amen.

  July 29

  Like a maniac shooting flaming arrows of death is one who deceives their neighbor and says, “I was only joking!” (26:18–19)

  BE CAREFUL ABOUT HUMOR. Since July 25 we have been listing skills for “relational maintenance”—things we need to do to keep relationships in good repair. Another one is in this proverb. Proverbs counsels care in the area of humor.

  The great danger is that our joke may cross the line into cruelty. Humor is often spontaneous, and we have to assess in a split second whether the funny thought we have just had should be expressed. It is too late afterward to see the hurt and say, “Oh, I’m so sorry! I never meant . . .” The wise person makes quick assessment and refrains if there is any danger. Humor is culturally variable; what is acceptable in one time, place, or situation may cause hurt or anger in another. In general, it is wiser to make yourself the object of your humorous observations, rather than someone else. That makes you less likely to give offense, but even self-deprecating jokes can make people uncomfortable. Take special care with humor.

  When was the last time you saw a joke (by you yourself or someone else) go wrong? Why did the humor misfire?

  Prayer: Lord, I have painful memories of thoughtless words that were like knives that cut. You are so exquisitely careful with words and with hearts. Help me to remember the infinite worth of every human soul as I speak. Amen.

  July 30

  Whoever loves a quarrel loves sin; whoever builds a high gate invites destruction. . . . Without wood a fire goes out; without a gossip a quarrel dies down. As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome person for kindling strife. (17:19, 26:20–21)

  DON’T LOVE AN ARGUMENT. Some people enjoy debating. This may stem from the kind of genuine intellectual curiosity represented by the Socratic dialogue. But 17:19 literally says Love quarrel—love sin. 26:20–21 confirms that the community can never have peace when there’s a quarrelsome person present.

  Some people are argumentative because they cannot distinguish between essential truths worth contending for and secondary or nonessential issues. Others are argumentative because their pride makes it hard for them to admit when they are in the wrong. A simple “I’m sorry” is beyond them and they need to save face. Some others simply are irritable, lack impulse control, and can’t resist making caustic remarks that inflame things. 17:19 says the person who loves a quarrel is like the status seeker who builds a high gate in order to look as if he lives in a mansion. Perhaps the main reason for loving an argument is that being proved right can be an exercise in power rather than in truth. Instead, look to the one who does not “wrangle or cry aloud” (Matthew 12:19 RSV).

  Are you quarrelsome? Which of these reasons for argumentativeness might be true of you? How could you change?

  Prayer: Lord, I love an argument if I think I can win it, and I hate it if I think I can’t—which shows I am valiant not for truth but for myself. Reproduce in me your spirit of goodwill and gentleness so I won’t “love a quarrel.” Amen.

  July 31

  Drive out the mocker, and out goes strife; quarrels and insults are ended. (22:10)

  DON’T ENJOY INSULTS. Because their cynicism appears as sophistication, mockers often are ringleaders like Lampwick in Pinocchio or Regina in Mean Girls. Mockers’ main currency is the insult, the often hilarious and even brilliant put-down. An insult is a kind of verbal cartoon. As cartoonists exaggerate some feature of a person to make him or her look ridiculous, so the insult exaggerates or plays up some feature of a person’s looks or character to make them appear foolish.

  Humility and love can certainly motivate us to confront a person if it is best for him or her. But insults are produced by wise-in-their-own-eyes arrogance. If you have a propensity for insults, you will always be undermining relationships. Strong medicine is prescribed here. A community that cares about the nurture of loving relationships should ask the insulter to change—or leave. (Drive out the mocker.) To humble and heal the spirit of the mocker, remember that the insults and curses that we deserve have fallen on Jesus (Romans 15:3).

  Do you enjoy witty put-downs too much? Do you hand them out yourself? Is there a member of your community or circle who does this and should be spoken to about it?

  Prayer: Lord Jesus, brilliant put-downs draw me so swiftly into laughing and despising people—calling them “Racas,” inferior idiots (Matthew 5:22), in my heart. If anyone had the right to mock and jeer, you did. But you didn’t. Burn away my pride and make me like you. Amen.

  August 1

  All a person’s ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the LORD. (16:2)

  DON’T IMPUTE MOTIVES. We looked at this proverb before, but there is one implication of the saying that we have not yet addressed. Because only God can truly assess the motives of the heart, we should not think we can judge other people’s motives perfectly either. Matthew 7:1 condemns “judging” people, and that cannot mean we should not evaluate them. Rather, to “judge” someone means to make a final condemnation (not just a critique of something about them), which entails the kind of final knowledge of heart motives that only God has.

  1 Corinthians 13:7 says love “always trusts, always hopes.” This does not mean that we should be naive, but it certainly means we should not be constantly, habitually suspicious of people, nor be quick to assign motives of envy, pride, resentment, or greed to someone’s action when we cannot really see into the heart.166 Disagreements become deadly conflicts when you move from rightly pointing out wrong behavior to assuming the ability to completely understand a person’s inner purposes, which is something only God can do (Romans 2:16).

  Do you exercise proper restraint about reading others’ motives? Think of some instances when you misread someone’s motives badly.

  Prayer: Lord, my need to judge people is unseemly coming from a heart that should itself be judged. You alone are judge and king of hearts. Give me not a naive but a gracious spirit that gives people the benefit of the doubt. Amen.

  August 2

  Do not say, “I’ll do to them as they have done to me; I’ll pay them back for what they did.” (24:29)

  FORGIVENESS: PART 1. What happens when a relationship breaks down? The first thing to do is to forgive. 24:29 shows the psychological structure of resentment. We say inside, “I’ll do to them as they have done to me.” But Proverbs tells us to deliberately refuse that thought—do not say it. Why? The desire for vengeance always backfires. Cain’s sinful resentment mastered him (cf. Genesis 4:6–7). If someone wrongs you, you start by hoping for that person to be unhappy. But then you may graduate to saying and doing things to hurt them and those around them. What is happening? The evil done to you has come into you and is shaping you. As Hawkeye says about the bitter Magua in The Last of the Mohicans, “Magua’s heart is twisted. He would make himself into what twisted him.”167

  To forgive is to refuse to hold people liable for what they have done to us. That is God’s job, not ours (Romans 12:19). And if Jesus died to forgive you of your infinite debt to him, how can you not forgive the wrongdoer his finite debt to you (Matthew 18:21–35)?

  Where have you seen residual resentment toward someone affecting the life of a person you know? Where has it affected your life?

  Prayer: Lord, my resentment toward some persons and some kinds of persons shows itself in irritability and abrasive remarks. I admit it for what it is—a failure to forgive as you forgave me. Forgive me for not forgiving! And dissolve my ang
er with a look at your dying love on the cross. Amen.

  August 3

  Do not say, “I’ll do to them as they have done to me; I’ll pay them back for what they did.” (24:29)

  FORGIVENESS: PART 2. When we are wronged, we want to pay them back. Forgiveness, however, is a commitment not to do that but rather to bear the cost yourself.

  How? First, by refusing to hurt the person directly. Beware of subtle ways that we can try to extract payment. Don’t drag up the past over and over. Don’t be more demanding and controlling than you are with others, all because you feel this person still owes you. Don’t avoid or be cold to them. Second, by refusing to cut the person down to others. Refuse, by innuendo or hint or gossip or direct slander, to diminish him or her in the eyes of others under the guise of “warning” people or getting personal support. Finally, don’t continually replay the memories of the wrong in your imagination in order to keep the sense of loss and hurt fresh and real to you so you can stay actively hostile to the person and feel virtuous yourself.

  By bearing the cost of the sin, you are walking in the path of your master (Colossians 3:13).

  Think of someone who has wronged you. Have you paid the costs (listed above) to forgive that person?

  Prayer: Lord, my forgiveness is skin deep. I refrain from obvious efforts to pay them back, but I simmer. It is far more costly to refuse thoughts of anger and self-pity, to remember I am a forgiven sinner, to pray for them from the heart. But in light of your costly love for me, I resolve to pay the price. Help me, Lord. Amen.

  August 4

  Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. (17:9)

  FOSTERING LOVE: PART 1. If a relationship breaks down, we should forgive—not repeating the matter to pay them back, as we saw yesterday. But we should not merely refrain from payback. We should also foster love. The goal is to still be friends, not merely not enemies. How? For the restoration of a relationship, we must let people know they wronged us (Luke 17:3–4). It is never loving to let someone continue to sin against you, nor can the relationship be mended without talking about it. You may learn of something the other person has against you (Matthew 5:24). For more on this, see the reflection of August 5.

  What the Bible counsels is almost the very opposite of how we ordinarily operate. When wronged, we burn inside with resentment but say nothing. Instead we are called to forgive on the inside and then speak the truth. Only if you have forgiven deeply will your expression of the truth not be dripping with resentment and thus hard to hear. Only if you forgive will your rebuke be for God’s sake and the person’s sake rather than for your sake.

  Is there someone who used to be a friend but is now just “not an enemy”? What could you do about that?

  Prayer: Father, you bring life out of death. I have both family and friendship ties that have essentially died, but I ask you to bring new life to them. Start the resurrection within me, with a new sense of your love on my heart enough to melt the hardness I still have. Amen.

  August 5

  Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. (17:9)

  FOSTERING LOVE: PART 2. Some signs that you need relationship restoration are when you begin avoiding each other, or are relatively formal with each other, or when you find that you are irritated when that person says something more than when someone else says it.

  How do we restore things so as to regain our brother or sister (Matthew 18:15)? First, see that it is always your move to go to them (cf. Matthew 5:24 and 18:15). Second, start by admitting anything you did that you think may have contributed to the problem. Then invite them to add anything to the list. Listen respectfully to any criticism. Don’t be quick to defend or even to explain yourself. When all that is done, then ask forgiveness and offer any helpful explanations (not excuses) for what happened. Third, if necessary, gently tell the other person where you believe they might have wronged you (Matthew 18:15–19). Invite them to correct you if your understanding is inaccurate. If they agree with you, tell them you are willing to put it behind you. Carefully suggest alternate ways of behaving in the future.

  Have you seen anyone try a process like this? Did it work? Why or why not?

  Prayer: Lord, there are friends with whom I’ve had a conflict and now we are cool to each other. Give us the courage and ingenuity to slowly rebuild trust so we can be friends. After all, you were betrayed by your friends, but you loved them to the end. Help me. Amen.

  August 6

  Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone. (25:15)

  GENTLE PERSISTENCE. A “gentle answer” can quickly de-escalate an angry feud (15:1, July 4). We might infer that gentle speech means being mealy-mouthed, compliant, or pacifying, like saying to a bully, “I give up.” Here we see that is not true at all. The metaphor of breaking a bone means that a gentle tongue is better at breaking down hardened resistance to an idea than aggressive words. You may still argue pointedly, but in a gentle, patient, respectful manner.

  This insight fits in well with the New Testament exhortation that no matter how much someone may oppose us or may even have wronged us, we must forgive him or her from our heart, first and unconditionally. This drains out so much of the contempt and disdain (18:3) that can easily creep into our voice when we are contending with someone. Most of us are either temperamentally direct, bold, and persistent or gentle, calm, and deferential—but never both. Yet the wise learn to be both. They follow the one who always showed boldness without harshness, humility without uncertainty, who spoke truth but always bathed in love.

  Do you tend to be direct and persistent or gentle and deferential? How can you combine them?

  Prayer: Lord Jesus, you combined qualities of humility and majesty as no one else has ever done. And through the gospel, which both humbles us into the dust and makes us kings to reign. Make us, in your image, gentle but absolutely insistent on truth. Amen.

  August 7

  Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out. (17:14)

  NOT SO FAST. If a dam breaks you should be ready for chaos. And if you are entering a dispute, be prepared for what will happen. This is a good example of how Proverbs works. This seems to be a blanket statement, namely that if you have a bone of contention, you should just drop the matter rather than get into a dispute. Yet to offer reproof to someone can often be the wise thing to do (15:10, 27:5–6), and to advocate for the oppressed is right (31:8–9).

  What do we learn, on the whole, from Proverbs about contentions and disputes? We cannot take this as a blanket prohibition, given the rest of the book of Proverbs. Yet the strength of the warning means entering a dispute should be a last resort, not a natural course of action. We should look at our motives, get good advice, think both about the issues of justice (has a genuine injustice been done?) and about love (would it be good for the person to hear the truth?).

  Are you doing everything possible to avoid a dispute—or are you being (or have you been) drawn into one?

  Prayer: Father, in conflicts some of us are too ready to contend and others are too reticent. Your Son knew when to call someone a whitewashed tomb and when to refuse to defend himself (Mark 11:33). Teach me the wisdom to know when to do what and the self-control to do it right. Amen.

  August 8

  In a lawsuit the first to speak seems right, until someone comes forward and cross-examines. (18:17)

  BAD REPORTS. We are prone to snap judgments. This text reminds us of a common occurrence. If we hear from a single party, that person’s account is almost never a full and unbiased report. We hear from him or her and it is natural to draw our conclusions. But wise people don’t do it. They keep an open mind—they know there is always another side, another perspective. It is exceedingly rare for one person in a dispute to be able to represent th
e opponent’s point of view adequately.

  So 18:17 directs that, when we hear a complaint or bad report about someone, we remember that we never have all the facts and we never see the whole picture until we investigate further. Instead of drawing a conclusion about the person mentioned in the report and passing the negative information along, we should keep it to ourselves unless it is one of those relatively rare situations in which someone’s safety is at stake. In today’s world, this principle means we should not get all our world news from one source and slant.

  Have you recently made a snap judgment on the basis of a single bad report? How can you avoid that?

  Prayer: Lord, your plans and counsels are flawless for you have perfect knowledge of all hearts and things. But drill deep into my consciousness that I don’t. Save me from precipitous conclusions, which I am so prone to draw. Make me wiser by reminding me I’m not so wise. Amen.

  August 9

  What you have seen with your eyes do not bring hastily to court, for what will you do in the end if your neighbor puts you to shame? If you take your neighbor to court, do not betray another’s confidence, or the one who hears it may shame you and the charge against you will stand. (25:7–10)