But the water image also suggests how critique should work in a marriage. As friends (September 8), spouses must constructively challenge each other in love (27:5,17). Don’t be dripping your criticism in painful little jabs that only evoke similarly brief angry responses in return. Instead, pour. Take time to sit down, to identify the problem behavior instead of attacking character, and to propose practical ways to change, mixing all with often-expressed love and encouragement. Your spouse can see your flaws and sins better than anyone else ever has. You need to hear about them to achieve the self-knowledge available no other way. Together you must learn to do truth telling that builds up, even as Jesus does to us (John 17:17; Ephesians 5:25–27).
If you are married, do you and your spouse mutually give permission to lovingly tell each other the truth about your flaws? If you are not married but would be open to it, have you practiced this truth telling profitably with friends?
Prayer: Lord, we veer between speaking truth unkindly or not at all. Both the harshness and the fearfulness are forms of selfishness. Cure us! Let your people’s communities and marriages be places where, in love and wisdom, we exhort one another daily, lest we be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin (Hebrews 3:13). Amen.
September 12
A kindhearted woman gains honor, but ruthless men gain only wealth. (11:16)
GRACE. The Hebrew word that begins this proverb has been translated many ways—kindhearted, “charming,” or “beautiful.” But the word means, literally, gracious. Unlike the ruthless, this woman shows grace to people. Marriage should grow us and change us profoundly, if we speak the truth in love. But some people refuse to critique or confront—out of “love.” Others speak “truth” but unlovingly. Truth without love isn’t real truth and love without truth isn’t real love—and unless they are used together, no real character change is possible.
A third ingredient is necessary. Just as grinding compound goes into a gem tumbler so the stones polish one another beautifully instead of breaking one another, so Christians must inject gospel grace into their marriage. Christians are called to forgive everyone, “just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). Marriage requires the ability to forgive freely without a shred of superiority, and to repent freely without begrudging.
If you are married, do you and your spouse show each other grace? Are you good at repenting and forgiving and moving on? If you are not married, are you practiced enough at giving grace within friendships to do it, were marriage a prospect?
Prayer: Lord Jesus, in your marriage with us, you show grace and forgiveness, always with a view to our becoming radiant, stainless, and holy (Ephesians 5:27). By your Spirit enable all believers to love one another in the same way, but especially let the marriages of your people excel in this transformative grace. Amen.
September 13
A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. (31:10)
VALIANT. Spouses are to build each other up in love, critique each other with truth, and readily repent and forgive each other. Each of these takes great courage. It takes courage to tell the truth and face at least the short-term anger and hurt of your spouse. It also takes courage and fortitude to forgive.
Several times Proverbs speaks of wives of noble character (12:4, 31:10, 31:29), a word that means to be courageous or valiant, ordinarily used of warriors. Some say it is surprising for an ancient document to apply it to women. But both spouses must show courage just to do their jobs with each other. And perhaps it is fair to say that in a world in which men tend to put down women, it is important that women realize they have, with God’s help, the same calling to be valiant as any man. Life—and family life—requires doing the right thing despite your fears.
If you are married, evaluate in which of the three tasks—edifying, truth telling, and forgiving—you are the weakest. Is the weakness due to a lack of courage? If you are not married, do you lack the courage to consider marriage? What can you do about that?
Prayer: Lord, “it requires more prowess and greatness of spirit to obey God faithfully than to command an army of men, to be a Christian than a captain.”199 And it requires valor both to tell the truth to and forgive your spouse in a marriage. In your people’s marriages, give this spirit of courage to both husbands and wives. Amen.
September 14
Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. (31:11)
VULNERABLE. In Hebrew this reads literally, “Her husband entrusts his heart to her.” Your spouse has the power to reprogram your self-image (September 9). That is because your spouse knows you so intimately. If someone else says, “You are a kind man,” you may be complimented, but then, that person doesn’t know you all that well. But if your wife tells you, “You are the kindest man I know,” that affirms more deeply, because she sees your whole life. But, conversely, that means if your spouse says, “You are stupid,” that wounds much more deeply. How do we use this great power to build each other up but survive the inevitable misuses of it?
The way to get the inner security and courage for such an intimate relationship is to remember that a Christian’s ultimate confidence and self-worth come from having the Father’s strong love because we are in Christ. Christ names us—not our spouse or anyone else (Galatians 3:26–29; Revelation 2:17).
If you are married, have you and your spouse wounded each other but been able to use gospel grace in order to get past it? If you are not married, is your identity rooted in Christ, or are you in danger of taking too much of your self-worth from being a spouse?
Prayer: Lord, you call your people to trust our hearts to one another—confessing sins to one another (James 5:16) and lovingly admonishing one another (Romans 15:4). Let our faith in you enable us to be vulnerable to each other, and let this spirit of mutual trust and openness grow in our marriages. Amen.
September 15
She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. (31:13–16)
INDUSTRY. One thing 31:13–16 teaches about marriage is that it is, among many other things, an economic unit. Researchers have noted that married people, in general, do better economically than singles. They stimulate and cooperate in accruing wealth for the family. But this benefit of married life can be realized only by the hard work of both parties. Despite the likely differences in earning capacities, and whether one stays home to keep house, both spouses are ultimately breadwinners.
Some have complained that the woman of Proverbs 31 is idealized and have argued that such a woman doesn’t exist. True, but neither does the truly loving person (1 Corinthians 13:4–8a) or godly person (Galatians 5:22–23a) exist. We should read all these texts in light of the gospel. We are not saved by performance, but those saved by grace in Christ love these texts as guides to pleasing and resembling the one who saved us. The gospel produces people who are eager to obey these patterns and not be crushed by them.
How do you see the biblical standards for life? Do they seem unreasonable? Crushing? Beautiful? Other?
Prayer: Father, I confess in my heart I do not rest entirely on the righteousness of Jesus. Because I still look to my performances to give me a sense of being presentable, I find the law burdensome. Give me rest in Christ so I can obey your law with eagerness and gratitude. Amen.
September 16
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. . . . She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. (31:12,17–18)
STAMINA. This wife is indefatigable—her lamp does not go out at night (31:18). This describes physical stamina, but more than that is in view. Her loving service lasts all the days of her life (31:1
2).
When contemporary people write their own wedding vows, they may say things like, “I love you,” “You are wonderful,” and “I want to be with you.” But traditional vows don’t mention feelings at all. In marriage vows we do not merely express present love—we promise future love. We promise not to always feel loving but rather to be loving, faithful, tender, and compassionate no matter how we feel at the time. Marriage is a covenant; it requires lifelong endurance, strengthened by our vows. How else can we trust the other person enough to give ourselves wholly to them? But to get your strength, look not only to your spouse’s vow but to your true spouse, who loved you to the very end, no matter what he faced (John 13:1).
If you are married, have you and your spouse both completely owned your wedding vows, to be faithful to the end? If you are not married, don’t even think about marrying someone unless you are willing to make a promise like this.
Prayer: Lord Jesus, “you loved us to the end” (John 13:1). You kept your vow to the end of your life and now are committed to us until the end of time. Let us too be known as people who keep their word, who finish what they start. Especially reproduce this long-term love in our marriages. Amen.
September 17
She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. (31:20)
MINISTRY PARTNERS. This wife is actively concerned with the needs of the poor. Proverbs teaches that the wise and righteous are generous to and advocates for the poor (11:24, 28:27, 29:7,14), and so the husband should be no less committed to justice than his wife. But this text does not mean simply that a wife and husband should be marked by social concern as individuals. The implication is that the family has a ministry to the poor.
Jesus challenges us to open our homes to those in need (Luke 14:12–13). That could mean the elderly, the chronically sick, single parents, or new immigrants. John Newton wrote about these verses, “I do not think it is unlawful to entertain our friends; but if these words do not teach us that it is in some respects our duty to give a preference to the poor, I am at a loss to understand them.”200 A husband and wife should have a strategy for together extending practical love, especially to their needy neighbors (Luke 10:25–37).
If you are married, does your family have a ministry to those in need? If you are not married, how are you obeying Jesus’ call to love your neighbor in need?
Prayer: Father, make our families and our churches ministry centers of our streets, neighborhoods, and cities. Let us be like your son, known as people who live not just to please ourselves but our neighbors, and especially the weak (Romans 15:1–3). Amen.
September 18
Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. (31:23)
HONORING YOUR HUSBAND. The city gate was the public meeting area where cases were decided and so functioned as what we today would call “city hall.” To take his seat among the elders, not just of the city but of the land, means he commands so much esteem that he has become one of the leaders of the country. This most “noble woman” has many accomplishments. Yet here we see that her achievements have led to her husband’s ascension into a place of power and influence, and there is no indication of her resentment. The background here is what the rest of the Bible says about a wife’s willingness to follow her husband’s leadership (Ephesians 5:22–24).201 In this she also assumes the Jesus role to which St. Paul points (Philippians 2:6). Though he was in every way equal with the Father, Jesus took the role of service, just as the Holy Spirit glorifies Jesus rather than himself (John 16:13–14).
To serve someone else’s promotion and success does not compromise your dignity and greatness. Rather, it establishes it. Have you settled that last principle in your mind? Without it, a marriage can’t thrive.
Prayer: Lord Jesus, in our culture people so often enter marriage expecting to fulfill and further themselves rather than to sacrifice in order to advance their spouse’s honor and standing. But when you committed to us, you lost glory that we could gain it. Fill our churches with spouses who do the same for each other. Amen.
September 19
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” (31:28–29)
HONORING YOUR WIFE. The husband and children of this ideal, noble woman call her blessed, and this means far more than just a claim that she’s a good person. The Hebrew term translated as “blessed” refers to the multidimensional flourishing or shalom that results when we live wisely (3:2,17)—physically, psychologically, socially, spiritually. This woman’s children and husband are saying that they are all reaping the benefits of her godly life. The husband goes beyond this and praises her—the Hebrew word hallah used for praising the Lord (“hallelujah”).
It is sometimes said that men are not as emotionally affirming and do not express affection and praise as well as women. That may be true in a given culture, or for men of a certain temperament, but it is never right. All Christians are called to praise and honor one another (Romans 12:8; 27:2 on May 22). How much more should husbands regularly praise their wives? Think of how our great husband, Jesus Christ, blesses us.
If you are married, do you and your spouse intentionally and thoughtfully bless each other? If you are not married, do you practice blessing others in the family of God’s church?
Prayer: Lord, you call Christians to outdo one another in praising one another and deferring to one another. At a time when many fear marriage is stifling or oppressive—how much more should Christian husbands honor their wives? Lord Jesus, show husbands how to love their spouses as you love us. Amen.
September 20
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. (31:26)
SHEPHERDS. This wife and mother speaks with wisdom and gives faithful instruction—the Hebrew torat chesedh, teaching filled with lovingkindness. This fits the biblical idea of a pastor. We think of a “pastor” as an ordained minister in the church. But the word means to shepherd—to lovingly but directively care for people. The Bible calls all Christians to mutually shepherd one another. We are to bear the burdens (Galatians 6:2), admonish and counsel (Romans 15:14), exhort and correct (Hebrews 3:13), encourage and strengthen (1 Thessalonians 5:11), teach the Bible (Colossians 3:16), confess sins (James 5:16), forgive and reconcile with one another (Ephesians 4:32).
This one-another ministry is given to all believers, so how much more should a husband and wife shepherd not only each other but especially their children! In a sense every Christian family is a small church. This does not mean that the family can ever replace the church, but it does mean that worship and prayer, teaching and instruction, evangelism and mission should all occur at the family level.
Have you understood and embraced the responsibility to engage in one-another ministry? If you are married, have you and your spouse embraced it within the family?
Prayer: Lord, make our Christian families not merely loving places but also disciple-forming communities. Make parents priests and shepherds who lead each other and their children into “the stature of the fullness of Christ” (Ephesians 4:13). Amen.
September 21
When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. . . . She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. (31:21–22,24–25)
DOMESTICITY. Many criticize the “cult of domesticity,” the emphasis on the creation of the perfect house and home. It is seen as a responsibility traditionally given exclusively to women in order to so absorb them that they have no energy for public life. Some women have deliberately lived in absolute domestic squalor as a protest against such social confinement.202
Proverbs 31 shatters these either-or categories. It depict
s a wife who is deeply involved in public commerce, yet in a way that takes nothing from home life. Rather it enhances it. Kidner writes that this chapter “shows the fullest flowering of domesticity, which is revealed as no petty and restricted sphere, and its mistress as no cipher.”203 For a home to be a true haven, it must be as well ordered, visually appealing, and restorative a place as possible. It does not necessarily require affluence to create such a place, but it does take creativity, ingenuity, and constant work. Such women are the creators and maintainers of civilization.
Do you pay enough attention to your living space so that it is a restorative place to live or even visit?
Prayer: Lord Jesus, life here wears us down and exhausts us until you give us the final rest and rich suites of your Father’s house (John 14:2). Teach us how to create homes that are places of order and refreshment that are foretastes of that, in which our families and friends can find haven. Amen.
September 22
He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD. (18:22)
MARRIAGE SEEKING. In a time when many marriages were arranged by parents, Proverbs counseled us to go find a spouse. How should a Christian go about seeking a mate? First, look for a fellow believer (1 Corinthians 7:39; 2 Corinthians 6:14). If the fear of the Lord is the very foundation of a wise understanding of reality, how could you look for anything but another Christian? Second, look for a person of such spiritual character that it evokes your admiration and praise. The fruit of the Spirit in their lives (Galatians 5:22–23) should be a thing of beauty.
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