The Heart of the Circle

by Keren Landsman

  I opened my eyes. He was looking straight at me, green eyes with brown flecks. So close.

  “I just took off your clothes because I hate falling asleep dressed, and I thought you probably don’t like it either.” He was speaking rapidly, his words stumbling over each other. “And I stayed around to see that you’re OK, because an emotional cleanse can be scary the first time, and I woke up before you, that’s all. And I didn’t want you to panic…”

  I pressed my lips against his, to make him stop talking. I didn’t want to listen to the apologies that were only meant to conceal his fear. I pulled away from him.

  “It’s over. The feelings will return soon. I…”

  I kissed him again. His lips moved against mine, parting for me. This time the kiss was longer.

  “You’re not going to let me finish a sentence?” He curved his lips, his smile reaching his eyes, creasing the corners.

  I pressed up against him and this time I didn’t pull away until I felt his heart racing like mine, the sweat on his back, the movement taking over him. I lowered my walls, flooding him with warmth, with affection. Slowly. Like he had so caringly done last night, without drowning him. Or scaring him. To let him feel what I felt. He shifted in front of me, deepening our kiss, pulling me against him.

  I detached myself from him. His eyes were closed, lips slightly parted. It took him a moment to open his eyes and look at me. He took a deep breath, exhaling slowly, like I do when I’m trying to pull myself together. So very slowly. He lifted his finger and brushed the hair from my face, then dragged it along my cheek and neck. I kept looking into his eyes. He stroked my shoulder.

  “If I said…” he began, and I immediately shot up and kissed him. I felt him laughing into my mouth. It was a very crooked kiss.

  This time he was the first to pull away. He looked at me silently. I felt his stomach pressing against mine with each breath. He lowered one of his walls. The emotion gushed my way. Passion, a deep, flooding need. I placed my hand on his waist, pulling him closer to me the more he lowered his wall. When he was done, he didn’t smile, only looked at me with anticipation.

  “More,” I whispered.

  “That’s everything that has to do with you,” he said, still looking into my eyes.

  I gently touched one of his other, crumbling walls.

  “Those are feelings that have to do with my parents,” he said. “I don’t want to think of…”

  I didn’t let him finish. I kissed him hard, deep, and he succumbed to me. I wasn’t expecting him to give in so quickly, but his walls couldn’t endure. He lowered them one by one, the kiss growing more intense with every one that collapsed. I wasn’t as broken inside as I had been last night. I could handle his emotions. And he needed to unload. So much had been hidden. I merged his feelings with mine, dismantling his sorrow and loneliness, flooding him with passion and warmth.

  He moved from my shoulder to the back of my neck and shoulder blades. His feelings were roiling around me. There was fear, and worry, and anxiety, mixed with passion and the need to lose control.

  I flamed his passion and he let out a moan. In a remote crevice in the back of my mind I noted to myself that he was whispering my name, and that I was moaning even louder than him, and that it had been so long since I’d felt this good.

  “Condom,” he said, panting.

  I rolled to the side of the bed, opening the dresser drawer. “I hope they haven’t expired.”

  I heard him laughing behind me. He kissed my shoulder. “I have one, if we need.”

  I barely managed to whip one out of the drawer and read the expiration date on the wrapper before he lunged at me.

  I held onto him, weaving our feelings together, lost in a soul that wasn’t my own. Lee granted me access into every corner of his psyche, and I couldn’t stop exploring. Touching, prodding, examining. To find out what made him get closer to me, what made him move faster. I didn’t have to stop myself, I could let our waves coalesce until I was no longer able to tell us apart.

  27

  Once the final waves abated and I managed to settle my breathing, I could reassemble the room around me into a single, coherent image. It was already after midday. My pillows were scattered across the floor. The chair was upside down. One of Lee’s legs was entangled in the sheet, and the blanket was twisted up between us, covering no one.

  Lee was breathing slowly, deeply. He was lying on his back, his head propped up on his arm, smiling with his eyes closed.

  “You OK?” My voice was croaky. I remembered shouts and began wondering whether they had been mine.

  Lee nodded, the smile still plastered across his face.

  I lay down beside him, sliding my hand under the back of his neck, and pulled him closer. He turned to me and nestled his head under my chin. “I think,” he said, just as hoarsely, “my body’s made of Jell-O.”

  I smelled him. His sweat. His skin. I entwined my legs with his, feeling him kicking as he tried to disentangle himself from the sheet. I brushed my foot against his, and he stopped. He simply stopped moving, and only breathed.

  I didn’t want to withdraw from him. I didn’t want to stop feeling him. From the inside. To know what he felt when I touched him. How my every breath affected him. I hugged him, and he nestled up against me. We breathed. Slowly. In sync.

  Someone knocked on the door. Lee managed to find the edge of the blanket and pull it over us.

  “Yes?” I called out once we were partially covered.

  Daphne opened the door and peeked inside. I felt her emptiness, her difficulty breathing. Happiness bobbed to the surface once she looked at me.

  “We’re ordering takeout,” she gestured behind her. “You want anything?”

  “How’s Oleander?” I asked, heaving myself up while holding the blanket around me.

  “He’ll be OK,” she said, tucking a stray curl behind her ear. “I was with him all night. He’s sleeping now, so I came to save poor Sherry.” She winked at me. “I warned her this would happen, but she wouldn’t listen to me.”

  I admired her. I couldn’t imagine what her night had been like, what she had been through while I was busy getting high and fooling around with Lee instead of being at the hospital looking after her.

  I felt Lee retreating, preparing an apology, making himself smaller. I pinched him. It hurt me as well. “Don’t you dare.”

  Lee raised his head, looking at me from below, an angle I wasn’t used to. “It’s OK. You two need to…”

  Daphne stepped into the room and sat down on Lee’s side of the bed. She patted his shoulder. “I’ll translate Reed for you. He wants you to stay. I want you to stay. I just feel lost at the hospital anyhow, and it’s a lot more fun here.” She brushed her hair off her face. “So what do you want to eat?”

  She was flooded with loss and sadness, it was just the top, brittle veneer that suggested lightheartedness. It was her way of coping. I couldn’t deny her that.

  I tightened my grip around Lee’s shoulder. “Besides, you can’t move.”

  Lee shook his head. “I’m trapped.” He placed his head back under my chin, “I’ll have anything vegetarian.” He closed his eyes and breathed in.

  Daphne pointed at me. “Don’t let him run off.”

  “And what would happen if I ran?” Lee mumbled under my chin.

  Daphne placed her hand on his bare shoulder. “Reed would be sad.” She got up. “And we’d be left with too much sushi.”

  Lee laughed. Daphne winked at him and left the room. Lee kissed the base of my neck. “You’d be sad if I left?”

  “Yes.” I stroked his hair. It was longer than mine, and thinner, spilling between my fingers.

  “You’ll have more sushi.” Lee slid his hand around my waist.

  I cupped his face and steadied it in front of me. “You’re right. Leave.”

  He laughed. His eyes flickered. “I feel guilty.” He straightened up, and now we were at the same level. “I’m so happy. And I’m not suppo
sed to feel that way. Everyone’s miserable, and I’m the only one who’s happy.”

  Small, warm waves were flowing out of him. Like when he had woken me up. Buried beneath was a small, almost imperceptible current of guilt. And suddenly I knew what to say to him.

  “You’re not the only one who’s happy,” I said and kissed him. He was flooded, and halted himself before the massive wave hit me. His every feeling was too sharp, unadjusted to reality. No wonder he had to keep blocking himself all the time. I kissed him more passionately, pulling his wave into me. I wanted to be inundated by his warmth, his affection towards me. Some of his guilt dissipated just because of what I had said.

  I wondered whether Daphne had done this on purpose. Maybe if she had said something else, Lee would have reacted differently. And I wouldn’t have said those words to him. He wouldn’t have felt this flooding wave, and I wouldn’t have slackened again, completely giving in to my feelings. Intertwined with him without the ability or desire to break free.

  28

  We ate the sushi and took a shower, which led to yet another round that we did our best to keep quiet. When we stepped out of the bathroom, ruddy-faced and engulfed in steam, Sherry made a comment about the stamina of empaths, and Daphne let out a joyless laugh.

  Her feelings confused me. She was supposed to be happier. While Oleander was hospitalized, it sounded as if her situation was under control. Then again, Sherry was still here. Not at the police station, interrogating the suspects, but here on our couch. As if danger remained imminent.

  Lee looked at me, sensing my confusion, and shifted his gaze to Daphne. She looked as if she was trying to shrink inside her skin.

  “It’s over,” I said. Trying to convince all of us. “We’re past the rally. It’s over.”

  Daphne bit her lip. She had exactly the same expression as when she didn’t want to tell me to go to the rally.

  “You saw everyone wounded. That’s what happened. Aurora and Oleander got hurt. We were all covered in blood, just like you saw. Sherry’s plan worked. We’re back in the timeline in which no one dies. That’s it, it’s over.” I paced to the couch and stood above Sherry. “It’s over. Tell her it’s over,” I said, raising my voice.

  Sherry stood up in front of me. She had the posture of a person used to standing to attention. Her voice was much quieter than mine. “It’s not over till we’re completely sure no one’s trying to finish the job.” She pointed to her chest. “I’m staying here to make sure you’re safe. Until we get final confirmation from every seer I know,” she said, intoning the word ‘every,’ “I’m not leaving.”

  “But…” I mumbled. “It’s over. Daphne said that if I go to the rally and…” But Daphne hadn’t said that. Now I remembered. She only hinted that if I didn’t go to the rally, someone would die. At no point did she say that if I went to the rally we’d be done with this, or even that this was the rally she had originally seen.

  The world whirled around me.

  “You can’t change it,” Daphne said, stepping closer to me. “I discussed it with Sherry. She has a plan, and it isn’t half bad.”

  I was still going to die. That’s what Daphne was saying. She wasn’t being callous. She had simply accepted this future. I remember her reacting the same way when her mother quit chemotherapy. The acceptance of an imminent fate.

  Lee took my hand in his. “Come. Now.”

  “Where?”

  “Doesn’t matter.” He tugged my hand. “Divergence, like River said. We’ll do something they can’t foresee. Come with me. Let’s go. We’ll hop on a plane, go somewhere far. We’ll hide. They won’t find us. Let’s go.”

  “I’m coming with you,” Sherry said, taking a step forward. She folded her arms across her chest. “I’m not letting you out of my sight.”

  “No. We’re going alone.” Lee pulled my hand again.

  We ran down the stairwell and stepped out into the street. His motorcycle looked completely intact. I was almost expecting to find a flat tire. Lee jumped on the bike first and handed me a helmet. I put it on.

  The bike wouldn’t start. Lee tried again, to the same effect. He cursed and got off the bike. I felt the helplessness swelling inside me. He reached out for my hand. “We’ll take a taxi. Come.”

  I shook my head, choking back the tears. I’m going to die. I’m going to die and I can’t escape it. I’m going to die.

  Lee pulled out his phone and called a taxi stand. There were no available taxies. He tried the app. With each of his attempts, I felt my future hollowing out, reducing.

  “We’ll take Daphne’s car.” He dragged me back upstairs. Daphne and Sherry were still standing in the middle of the living room, and it didn’t look as though they had exchanged more than two sentences since we left. Daphne’s expression was grave.

  “We need your car,” Lee said to her.

  “I left it at Matthew’s,” Daphne replied.

  “This is my life we’re talking about! You’re just sitting here and–”

  “We’re trying to save your life, you idiot!” Sherry yelled at me. I fell silent. She was breathing heavily. “We have a plan. I can’t discuss it with you. Neither can Daphne. What is it about the-Sons-of-Simeon’s-seers-are-watching-us-so-we-can’t-talk-about-our-plan that you don’t understand?” She clasped her hands tightly.

  Daphne took a deep breath and looked at me. “Please, we’re doing all we can. I’m having a hard enough time with all the mixed up timelines.”

  “What would happen if we walked?” I asked Daphne in a calmer voice, trying to bottle up my anger, bury it where only Lee could feel it.

  “You get stopped two kilometers from here, regardless of which direction you choose. The two of you get shot before you even notice the man with the gun.”

  “Bicycle?” I asked.

  “A car runs you over. Kennedy Intersection.” Daphne approached me and placed her hand on my left temple. “This is the only part of you that doesn’t get crushed.”

  “They’re targeting me specifically right now,” I said.

  “No,” Sherry interjected quietly, “they want to make sure you get to the rally according to their plans.”

  Daphne wiped her eyes of tears I hadn’t noticed. As long as I was here, she would see me dead. My reflections dead.

  “Is there an edge?” I asked quietly.

  “Maybe. Stop asking.”

  Lee looked at me. “An edge?” He sounded confused.

  “A rare, extreme timeline,” I explained, without taking my eyes off Daphne. “Events that are so far away on the fringes of the futures, they’re almost invisible.”

  I sent Lee as soothing a wave as I could. I felt a decision taking shape inside him. When I looked at him, he managed a smile, burying the sense of loss deep beneath the waves of affection. “OK. But I’m not going to live as if you’re about to die.”

  I hugged him silently.

  “We’re staying,” Lee said, pulling me against his chest. “And you better get some earplugs.”

  I smiled through the pain and heard Sherry chuckling. “You want us to post a security detail outside your apartment? It’ll afford you some privacy. Just let me know if you intend to leave.”

  Daphne’s pain was still there. She had seen me die, and she couldn’t take comfort by looking at the edge or else she’d draw the attention of the other damuses.

  Lee glanced at Sherry and said, “Want to watch a movie?”

  I sent him a wave of confusion. I thought we were just getting a bit of rest and going back to bed. Lee stroked my back and looked at me. “There are people I like here, and I want to get to know them.”

  There was something strange about Sherry’s smile when Lee said he wanted to get to know her. Her shoulders slouched, and her posture became less rigid. She needed to feel welcome, and Lee had caught on to that faster than me.

  I pulled away from him. “Potato chips?”

  “Yes, please,” Sherry replied, brushing her hand through her hair. “
Can I help with anything?”

  “You can choose the movie,” Lee said, whipping out three DVDs from the dusty pile in the living room. “Action, espionage or science fiction?”

  29

  I checked my phone while we watched the movie. Everyone had sent texts asking how I was doing, and expressed their relief to find out I was fine with a lot of silly stickers and emojis. My group notified Aurora that they wouldn’t accept any substitute counselor. “We’ll come over to yours for a meeting,” Gaia had written me. “If that’s OK.” I could imagine Daphne’s reaction to a teen invasion of our house. “I’d rather have the Sons of Simeon skin me alive than host you hooligans here,” I wrote in reply. She sent back a picture of a cat rolling her multi-colored eyes.

  Lee peeked over my shoulder. “Is that the girl I should be worried about?”

  I looked up from the screen and nodded. “She’s cute, and smart, and seventeen.”

  Daphne stifled a giggle. “And she’s a moody with a crush on you.”

  “Hey!” I shouted halfheartedly.

  Daphne shrugged, feigning innocence. “Just calling it like I see it. You’re the current subject of conversation between her and Guy.”

  Lee leaned in. “Do you peek into all of the private conversations between the people around Reed?”

  “It’s my number one way of keeping him alive,” she answered quietly.

  We fell silent and went back to watching the movie.

  My mom called just when the lead character had crossed paths with the villain, and the girl lost yet another layer of clothing, for a reason none of us seemed to understand.

  “Forgot about us?” Her voice wasn’t shaky, or angry. It suddenly dawned on me that shots had been fired at our rally yesterday, and neither Matthew nor I had called to inform them that I was OK.

  “No, of course not.” I looked at Lee and Sherry. Lee was laughing at some joke Sherry had made. Daphne was sitting in the corner and, judging by the outbursts of affection flowing from her every now and then, texting Oleander. “I’m fine. Sorry I didn’t call.”