The Heart of the Circle

by Keren Landsman

  “There’s no substitute for an experienced man in the field,” she said in a somewhat softened tone.

  The kettle whistled. Lee filled his cup with boiling water, the sweetener fizzing to the surface.

  Lee sighed and looked at me. “You do realize that if I make good on my promise I’m coming home high, right?”

  I tightened my grip on my cup. “I thought you were only going to teach the police moodies how to do what you do.”

  Lee snorted. “They’re idiots. Like every other cop.” He waited, but it didn’t get a rise out of Sherry. “I have to show them, or it won’t work.” He shrugged, his vulnerability reflecting in his eyes.

  I lowered my cup onto the counter and stroked his arm. “I understand. It’s OK.” I attempted a smile. “You’re cute when you’re high.”

  He stuck out his tongue and took a sip of coffee. But there was no playfulness inside him, only a deep-seated fear, of which I could only feel the fringes.

  The door to Daphne’s room opened. She was dressed, holding a pair of sneakers in her hand. “When are we going?”

  “Who’s going where?” I looked at her inquisitively.

  “Lee and I.” She considered him. “You were supposed to have finished your coffee by now.”

  Sherry raised her hand. “I didn’t give you permission to go anywhere.”

  Daphne gestured at the papers strewn across the dining room table. “You’re working here. Reed has tons of episodes of stupid shows to watch with Blaze–”

  “Blaze?” I interrupted her.

  “Of course, I’m not leaving you without protection.” She shifted her gaze back at Lee. “And I’m going with Lee to be with more damuses somewhere safe, to search for more timelines your cops are overlooking, and then to take Lee home.”

  Lee looked at her. “And nothing will happen to Reed while you’re gone?”

  “Not in the next three hours. And in any event, Dimitri’s watching just to make sure.” She held her hands to her sides. “Can we get going?”

  Lee put his cup down on the counter. “We’re going.” And went to my room to change.

  The doorbell rang just after Lee had emerged from my room again, this time fully dressed. Blaze was standing in the doorway, holding a stack of books under his arm. “Notes on the last bunch,” he said.

  I reached out and took the books. The first in the stack was about cities that manifest as spirits which influence their residents. In what seemed like a different life, I had begun working on it a little over two weeks ago.

  Blaze pulled a small USB stick out of his pocket. “Daphne ratted you out, said you’d have plenty of time for a Married with Children marathon today.”

  “I’m out of here,” Lee said loudly.

  Daphne linked her arms with his. “Quick, before their awful taste rubs off on us.”

  Blaze laughed, and even Lee smiled. I got a kiss, and not a word about what was awaiting them outside.

  I turned to Blaze. “Coffee? Tea? Water?”

  “You don’t have to play host with me,” Blaze said and approached the fridge, “I can sort myself out.”

  I felt the tension bubbling inside him. I reached out and stopped him. “Don’t worry. Daphne wouldn’t have left if she thought an attack was on the horizon.”

  “I don’t…” he faltered, and looked me in the eye. “I miss you.”

  I didn’t know what to say. ‘I’m with Lee’ sounded silly, not to mention obvious. ‘Me too’ sounded corny. And I wasn’t really sure how he meant it.

  “I miss talking to you. I miss hanging out with you. Everything feels so strange between us. I can’t find my place. On the one hand you look just the same as you did back then, but on the other, you’re suddenly the undisputed leader of the revolution.”

  I let out a chuckle. “Undisputed leader, huh?”

  “I don’t want…” Blaze raised his hand. “I don’t expect you to run into my arms and suddenly go back to being the person closest to me in the whole world. I just want to watch TV with you and joke around, without making bullets explode midair or getting our asses kicked in rallies, and without having to listen to news about…” He left the unspoken words lingering in the air. He wanted to escape. Just like me.

  I put my hand on his arm. “Homework and then TV?” He smiled.

  I pointed my finger at him. “But this time don’t burn my notebook!”

  Blaze laughed. “If I burn proof copies, Lee will dock it from my salary.”

  I laughed. “I’m sure I could get him to show you some leniency.”

  Sherry lifted her head from her paperwork. “Can I get some quiet around here?”

  We giggled and went to my room.

  Blaze and I spent the afternoon sitting at a safe distance from each other on my bed, me cross-legged against the wall, and Blaze on the opposite side. He was typing on his laptop incessantly, while I worked on dismantling the emotions in the new book I was supposed to fix, about sorcerers who harness the energy of the power plant in Hadera to manufacture more sorcery in the world. I blocked the outside world so it wouldn’t influence my work. When the door opened, I didn’t even notice.

  I vaguely felt someone entering the room. I couldn’t stop in the middle of what I was doing, otherwise the emotions woven into the paper might scatter into the other pages, making it more complicated to unravel them. When I was done, I put the book aside.

  “I don’t know who worked on this, but he ought to be hung.” I shook my head. “The guy doesn’t know his job. In my first year at the university I didn’t make as many mistakes.” I massaged my temples and yawned.

  “That’s why we took you on,” I heard Lee’s voice saying.

  I raised my head.

  Lee was standing behind Blaze, smiling.

  Blaze looked up from his laptop. “I’ve been listening to him bitch all morning. He says the same thing after every page.”

  Lee placed his hands on Blaze’s shoulders and leaned over. “Yup, he’s awful.”

  I put out my feelers and poked around. His consciousness felt blurry in the fringes, a bit disconnected, but it wasn’t the deep change I was expecting to find. I sent him an inquisitive wave. He sent back a feeling of security and some faint glee.

  They were both looking at me, one head above another, completely different in their feelings towards me, representing a totem pole of my relationships. I rolled my eyes. “Should I call my mom? She’d be happy to help you criticize me.”

  Blaze pulled a panicked face and exclaimed, “Anything but that!”

  Lee laughed and straightened up. “Come on, take a break.” Sherry was still sitting at the dining room table in the same position we had left her in hours ago. Only the piles looked different. Taller. Daphne stood next to the counter, oozing pain. Lee put his hand on my arm, keeping me from approaching her.

  She straightened up and turned around, her expression masking the pain inside her.

  I took a deep breath. “Married with Children marathon?”

  “No!” Daphne yelled, feigning horror.

  “Yes!” Blaze called out, slapping my back.

  Lee shot me a look. “You cannot be serious.”

  Sherry looked at Lee. “Want me to arrange for him to get shot now?”

  Blaze laughed. “Don’t listen to them, we know what’s good.”

  “I have a far better idea,” Sherry said, pulling a USB stick out of her bag. “I could use a break myself. You choose the first movie, we choose the second. Deal?”

  I made popcorn while Lee and Blaze went out to fetch drinks. By the time they got back, Daphne had convinced Sherry and me that we should start with some indie animation movie no one liked but her. She said something about it being the only thing that helped her ignore the timeline leaks, but wouldn’t elaborate.

  By nightfall we had watched four episodes and three movies and competed twice for the title ‘champion of the stupidest thing you can do with popcorn.’ I even managed to send Gaia a text about exercise
s I wanted her to do by our next Yoyo meeting, with Lee teasing me about her, eventually spurring on Blaze who started taunting me as well.

  Blaze and I parted with a hug I initiated. It took him a moment to return it with an awkward pat on the back. When I pulled away from the embrace it seemed as though he was about to say something, but he just nodded and left the apartment silently.

  Only then did it dawn on me that it had been his way of saying goodbye. He hadn’t come because he missed me. He came because he wanted one last memory of me. I turned around to Daphne who was standing in the living room. Sherry and Lee were talking about the movies we had just watched. They were their causal, happy selves. No one was acting as though I was about to die. The thought struck me with such force that I had to lean my weight against the wall. Daphne looked up and met my gaze.

  She walked over to me and said, “Ask.”

  “How was it?”

  “I saw…” she said and hesitated. “I saw the main timeline clearly. The edge almost doesn’t exist.”

  I felt the air leaving my body. Lee shot me a look. I sent him a calming wave.

  “Who knows?” I asked. I was avoiding the real question, and Daphne knew it.

  “Blaze and River. They figured out by themselves that if Sherry is still here it means the threat hasn’t been shut down, and they made me tell them what I saw. Lee told me he doesn’t want to know how much time you’ve got left, and that he’d make himself forget it even if I told him.” She was talking slowly, quietly. “He also said that if I told Matthew, he’d make him forget as well. Matthew didn’t want to know. He’s scared he’d accidently blurt it out near your parents.”

  And not one of them told me. Not one of them even hinted at it. She lowered her hand. “And now I’m telling you.”

  I nodded, feeling the knot in my stomach threatening to swallow me whole.

  “Four weeks,” she said quietly. “I can’t see the exact day clearly yet.”

  I gritted my teeth to keep myself from making any sound. I felt Lee stroking me from afar. I wouldn’t let my feelings flow out towards him.

  “You’ll tell me when you know?”

  “You’re going to ask me to tell you, and it will be right before it happens.”

  “How long will you live after me?”

  Daphne sniffled. “Does it really matter?”

  My mind was racing. “I want to know that you, and Matthew, and Lee and Blaze and Sherry – that everyone is going to live a long life after me.”

  Daphne wiped her eyes. “I have forty-seven years, three months and two days left. Matthew has between forty and fifty-five years, I can’t see clearly. River and Blaze are going to have four children, and they aren’t going to name any of them Reed because Lee won’t let them. I see only flashes of Sherry and prefer not to dig too deep because she’ll be staying on the police force for a few more years. Aurora gets a PhD in international relations, and Forrest returns to the army. Daniel has another pair of twins.”

  “You didn’t tell me what’s going to happen to Lee,” I whispered, edging out my fear.

  “You’re sure you want to know?” Daphne asked, her words strangled with tears.

  I nodded.

  Daphne wiped her eyes again and looked straight at me. “It won’t matter. Just so you know. Your knowing won’t change what’s going to happen to him. His path is already set.”

  “Tell me,” I said quietly, feeling the lump in my throat. It couldn’t be anything good.

  “Overdose. A year and four weeks from today.”

  “Because of a goddamn cup of coffee,” I croaked with effort. I peeked past her shoulder. Lee was laughing at something Sherry had said.

  “Because the man he loves will be six feet under, and he won’t be able to find a reason to wake up in the morning.” Daphne didn’t move.

  “What do I do now?” I asked in a cracked whisper.

  “You go to him,” Daphne replied, putting her hands on my arms. “You go to Lee, and you love him for all the time you have left and all the time you don’t.”

  “Lee doesn’t want to live as if I’m going to die any moment.”

  “And you believe him?” A tear glistened in the corner of her eye. “You practically live inside his head. You know what he wants.”

  “No, I know what he feels. That’s not the same thing.” I looked at Lee again. He and Sherry were quoting lines from the movie we saw. I shifted my gaze back to Daphne. “I’m sorry I’m going to die while we’re living in the same house.”

  Daphne smiled, and her tears streamed out. I held her, teardrops dampening my shirt.

  33

  Four days later, Daphne came home alone around midnight from a visit to the police station, mumbling something about Lee preferring not to meet today. When I tried questioning her, doing my best to keep my expression from betraying the insult, she wouldn’t say a word.

  “But…” I held my hands out to my sides, aware of how ridiculous I looked in my silly pajamas. I chose them only because they were easy to slip out of. “I can help him, I can…”

  She put her hand on my arm. “He knows.”

  He knew and yet chose not to be with me. I wondered whether the overdose Daphne had predicted had anything to do with what Lee was going through, but I didn’t know how to put it in words.

  I managed to fall asleep only after extracting some sleep out of the girl living on the floor below us. She had been to basketball practice and come home exhausted.

  The shrill ringing of the phone woke me up. Strips of orange light filtered in through the shutters. I rubbed my eyes. It wasn’t my phone. I heard Daphne talking in her room. She was oozing angst. I sat up in bed and waited. The conversation dragged on, Daphne’s pain intensifying.

  I got out of bed and went to her room. She was sitting on the bed, holding her phone in one hand and drumming her fingernails on her knee with the other. “I’m telling you that… but you… so listen!”

  She looked up when I stepped into the room. “Everything OK?” I whispered.

  “It doesn’t help if you whisper,” she said loudly. “He’s peeking in here even though he’s not supposed to.” And after a moment she said into her phone, “Yes, you…”

  Someone who was peeking in here even though they weren’t supposed to. It had to be a damus. I mouthed “Oleander?”

  She nodded. “He thinks what I need is support when what I need is…”

  The voice on the other end of the line spoke, and Daphne fell silent. She listened, and after a few moments said, “Then stop yelling and listen! I’m right here. I can see what’s happening from up close. You can look four hours back and see for yourself.”

  She waited. The voice on the other end sounded less furious. “So look at me, ok? If that’s what’s–” The other voice cut her off. “So that’s that,” she said in a slightly calmer voice. Her interlocutor said something, to which Daphne responded, “See you when I see you,” in a quiet voice. She hung up and looked at me. “What?”

  “Why is Oleander calling you in the middle of the night?” Daphne’s fingers worked the edge of her blanket. “He’s worried about me.”

  I waited.

  Daphne stretched her legs and scooted over to make room for me on her bed. “He sees what I’m going through, and he’s worried because he can’t see beyond the point of his death.”

  I sat down next to her. “It’s good that you’re talking to someone who understands.”

  “It would have been much better not to fall in love with someone when our time together is so limited.”

  “One-night stand, huh?”

  She nodded silently. Only another damus could hide from her what was going to happen between them.

  I stroked her hair. “Believe it or not, I totally get what you’re going through.”

  “You want to stay here a bit?” she asked quietly.

  I crawled under the blanket and hugged her. “Tell me the truth. You made Lee go home so you could have me for yourself
tonight.”

  Daphne let out a brief laugh. “You’ve got me.”

  I tightened my grip around her. She shivered with stifled sobs. I ran my hand over her hair, questions wrestling inside me, none of which could be put into words. I dismantled her sadness and scattered it among the neighbors. Her breathing steadied, and she fell asleep. I waited until I was certain she was sound asleep, turned to face the dresser and picked up her phone.

  Hesitating only for a moment, I dialed the last incoming number. “It’s Reed,” I said straight off to avoid any confusion.

  “I know,” Oleander said. “How’s Daphne?”

  “Sleeping. How are you?”

  “A wreck,” he said.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “That I’m going to die?”

  “That because of me you’re lying in a hospital bed instead of Daphne’s bed.”

  Oleander laughed. “I’d rather you be in bed with her than someone else.”

  I smiled in the dim room. “Reed-hot-water-bottle-Katz at your service, always.”

  “In the middle of the summer? What an awful friend. You should have brought her a bag of ice cubes.”

  I giggled quietly. “I wanted to say thanks for being here for Daphne. I know it’s difficult for her to accept support.”

  “It’s a shame you aren’t here,” he replied. “I would have loved having someone to help me fall asleep.”

  “What’s keeping you up?”

  “Life. Death.” Oleander sighed. “You know. I want to do something important. Meaningful. Change the world.”

  “Doing something meaningful hasn’t even crossed my mind,” I said quietly. “I just thought… you know… I’d pass the time.” And wait for Daphne to save me.

  “It’s different for you,” Oleander said. “You don’t see it as clearly as I do. You can repress it.”

  “Lucky me, such a privileged person,” I said. “How does it feel? Knowing that…” I paused.

  “An enormous relief,” he replied quietly.

  “You’re not…” I wasn’t sure how to phrase the question. Had he been near me, he would have been able to see my other timelines asking it, and answer without me having to sort my thoughts. “You’re not scared?”