The Heart of the Circle
Page 36
“Two months, Reed,” his voice cracked. “And now I have four hours.”
I touched one of his fingers, extracting the emotional cleansing out of him and dispersing it among our neighbors. I needed him focused. His eyes cleared as I did it. I felt his emotions gushing back into him all at once, a physical, debilitating pain.
“Don’t go,” he whispered.
We stepped inside.
Stage one of ‘Reed’s Moronic Plan’: pretend I’m stupid. String everyone along. Even myself. Don’t think about the elements in the protective circle warping everything around them.
I reached out my hand to Sherry. “I need the pages Lee gave you.”
She handed them to me. His neat, round handwriting explained how to create any sensation I wanted. I pointed at a sentence beginning with “Present Progressive.”
“That.” I showed Lee. “Can you do that to me?”
Lee took the page. “It’s not too complicated.”
I raised my fingers. “Three hours. I want a three-hour trip. Without thinking. Without planning.” I pointed at Sherry and Daphne. “And in three hours you two wake me up. We go to the rally, and we cast a protective circle on Sherry.”
Daphne bit her lip. “No.”
“My death, my call.”
“No,” Lee raised his voice. He stepped between me and Sherry. “I won’t. I…” He brushed his hand against his face. “I won’t be there if you’re…” He threw it all at me. Loss, cavernous need, physical yearning.
My heart fluttered.
He folded his arms across his chest. “I won’t help you die.”
I wanted to shout at him that thanks to me no one was going to die. “You don’t get it,” I began, carefully choosing the words as I continued. “We’re going to cast a protective circle–”
“Really?” Lee tilted his head. He sounded disparaging. Condescending. It was a show intended for everyone else. He didn’t raise his walls. He wanted me to feel his pain. His sweeping sadness. He sent them to me without filtering them. “I’m not going along with this,” he said, intoning every word. “It’s going to kill you.”
Stage two, the truly painful part of my Moronic Plan. To hurt Lee. The tears I had choked back were entirely genuine. I was fulfilling the role I had taken upon myself.
“I’m already dead!” I exclaimed. Lee turned pale, his aloof demeanor finally cracking. “I’m already dead. Daphne sees me die, and I’ve had it. I’ve had it up to here with everyone looking at me like I was some kind of ghost.” Part of it was the rage Lee had projected on me. But most of it was mine. The inability to rebel against the fate I’d been dealt. The zero options I had. I no longer knew who I was shouting at. “All I want is to crawl into bed with you. That’s what I want.”
“Then let’s go,” Lee said quietly, his eyes deep pools of need.
“But I don’t do that,” I said, turning to Daphne. “Right? I don’t go to bed with Lee, and we don’t spend this entire fucking week in…” I paused.
Daphne shook her head. She was standing with her shoulders slouched, the tracks of her tears drying on her cheeks. “You’ve made your decision. None of us can change your mind. There’s not a single reflection that…” Her voice cracked.
“So that’s that.” My voice didn’t crack. You could hear the tears, but not see them. I turned to Lee. “That’s that. We don’t. We… we don’t.” I was searching for the words, desperate to find the right sentence that would convince him. “I’m going to the rally today,” I clenched my hands. “And I’m going to find the people who decided to kill Sherry, and we’re going to catch them before they manage to pull it off, and Sherry’s going to lock them up, and they’ll never hurt another person again. And if you don’t want to be there, that’s your choice. But when you smoke yourself into oblivion starting tomorrow and to the end of time, remember this moment. Remember you could have had four more hours with me, and instead you preferred to get fucked up.”
I fell silent. I could barely breathe.
Lee just looked at me. I felt the pent-up breaths in everyone else. The anxiety, fear, sadness, pity. I couldn’t tell what belonged to who, and I didn’t care. My thoughts were swirling inside my head, colliding into each other.
“OK.” Lee went blank. His fighting spirit had disappeared. His rage, and fear, and anger. He looked at me, filled with nothing but sadness and resignation.
I turned my gaze to Sherry. “Three hours. In three hours you pull me out of the trip. We go to the rally. We cast a protective circle on you. I die. And don’t you dare think that by stalling it will change anything.”
Sherry nodded. “I know how foresight works.”
For a moment, just a fleeting one, I was hoping she was thinking the same thing I was. But she wasn’t. She sighed. “Three hours.”
Daphne looked at Lee. “And what about you?”
Lee returned the look. “Ask me later.”
Lee led me to my room. I lay down in bed, fully dressed. I didn’t dare take my clothes off. I knew I wouldn’t be able to go on with my Moronic Plan if I was totally naked with Lee. It would be too big a temptation. Lee sat down beside me.
“I need to not think. I want something pleasant, and soft, and warm, like what you did to me last time.” I touched his thigh. “And I want pretty colors, and to feel loved and safe.”
Lee stood up, went to his bag and took out something that looked like a crushed herb, and sat back down beside me on the bed. He brushed my hair off my forehead, radiating loneliness. “It makes pretty images.”
“How pretty?”
Tears pooled in the corners of his eyes. “Beautiful.”
I was hurting all over, and didn’t dare entwine my feelings with his.
Lee lay down next to me. We turned our heads until our eyes met. Just like back then, when he said he felt guilty for being so happy when everyone else was miserable, and I knew just what he meant.
He placed the herb on his tongue and kissed me. Slowly, methodically. He put his hands on my lower back, drawing me closer. I felt the bitterness dissolving on his tongue, and his consciousness groping his way into mine. I went completely slack, allowing him full access. My consciousness melted into a million shiny particles.
40
Daphne woke me. Lee wasn’t in the room. My limbs were floating, and it took me a minute to figure out how my legs were attached to my pelvis. I sat up and rubbed my cheek. My beard was prickly.
“Three hours,” Daphne said. She was oozing loss. “Like you asked. We talked to everyone we could get hold of. They’ll all be waiting at the square.”
I nodded, unable to pull myself together. I sent out my feelers and poked around. Lee was in the living room. I sent him a wave of urgency. After a moment, he appeared at my door.
I pointed at my forehead. “Some help? Please?”
My words were a garble of syllables. Lee poked around inside me, dismantling any leftover fog. My sight cleared, the walls condensing before me.
I shook my head. “I don’t understand how you deal with this every time.” I got up and walked carefully towards him, pressing my feet against the ground with every step.
Lee hugged me and held my head against his chest. “You do this so you won’t have to deal with it.”
Pain was surging towards me from Lee and Daphne. I raised my walls, and felt Lee’s breath catching when I blocked him out of me. I pulled away. “It’s painful enough.”
We entered the living room.
I pointed at the kitchen. “Salt, pepper.” I yawned. “Lee has tons of herbs in his bag, I’m guessing, so…” My thoughts evaporated the moment I tried to hold onto them.
Sherry straightened up. “You’re serious. About the circle.”
I nodded. “We’ll bring the stuff with us. We’ll cast the circle when we’re there. There will be a lot of sorcerers there. When the circle takes form, it’ll draw the sorcery out of all of them.” I didn’t use explicit descriptions. I thought it best not to clarify my in
tentions.
Lee’s brow furrowed. “You need consent for that.”
“No, you don’t,” Sherry said, clenching her hands. “If there are enough sorcerers around, their powers are automatically drawn into the circle. But if someone resists, the first circle collapses.” She stuck her hands in her pockets. “That’s how they broke Rabin’s circle.”
“I didn’t know that,” I said.
Lee snorted. “You don’t know your history.”
I managed to swallow my smile. He was still Lee. “So that’s it. We get everything together, and we’re off.” I nodded. “Come on, off we go,” I said, took one step, staggered and tripped.
Lee caught me and leaned me against him. “You need to drink. You need water, and a painkiller. We’ll organize everything.”
He sat me down in the kitchen. Daphne and Sherry collected all the items. I felt Daphne’s pent-up anger. She wouldn’t look at me. Wouldn’t talk to me. Just kept shoving groceries into bags.
Lee stroked my hand and made me drink and take a pill. I looked at the small pill in my hand. White and innocent looking. It reminded me of something. “Neutral,” I mumbled.
“You want?” Lee asked, raising an eyebrow. “I can get you one if you need.”
I shook my head. It was the last thing I needed. I swallowed the pill and channeled its effect to the places that were still blurry inside me.
Daphne straightened up after bagging all the items. She looked at me. “You know there’s another edge?” Her words were cutting. “Damuses can’t make out a clear image of people’s faces in visions. Most of them see you as a moody with brown hair and light stubble.” She looked at Lee. “He’s not only willing to die. He’s willing to get you killed in the process.”
She picked up a bag and walked out of the apartment. The pesky thought had returned. There was some truth to what Daphne had said.
“I don’t care,” Lee said, his face empty of emotion. He raised his walls, looking into my eyes in the process. It burned in every part of me that he detached himself from. “Worse case scenario, the other moody with brown hair and stubble will die.”
And suddenly I knew that he truly didn’t care, and that hurt. Lee stepped around me and walked out of the apartment. I was engulfed in numbness. Sherry put her hand on me without saying a word. I locked the door behind me. Outside, a warm, humid end-of-August evening awaited us. It was a terrible night to die.
What if I’m wrong. If Lee dies today. If I stay all alone. I couldn’t think about it. Breathe in. Breathe out. Start walking. The intersection was a thirty-minute walk from my house. We walked in silence. My funeral procession.
41
The square was swarming with people when we arrived. I recognized the cops who had guarded my apartment over the past few weeks. Dimitri and Lilia were standing side by side, radiating mutual affection. I tugged on Daphne and gestured towards them. “What will happen to them?”
“What do you care?” Her voice was harsh, accusatory.
I forced her to turn to me. “What will happen to them?” I didn’t touch her pain. I needed those emotions for stage three of ‘Reed’s Moronic Plan.’ Make everyone mad at me.
Daphne took another look. “Two kids. They get divorced in twenty years. Lilia remarries.”
Aurora and Forrest spotted us and made a beeline in our direction. Aurora straightened her glasses, avoiding Sherry’s gaze. “Thanks for helping me in Structures and Spaces.” She sniffled, removed her glasses and cleaned them, even though the lenses were spotless.
I poked around, feeling Blaze and River approaching. I looked at Lee. His face was a mask. “Which way’s north?” I asked.
He pointed at City Hall behind us. I pointed east, saying, “Aurora, you stand here.” She took a few steps back.
“No,” I said, grabbing her arm. “Closer. Here.” She gave me a confused look.
“Don’t get too far. Let’s form a tight circle this time. It’ll be easier.” A silly lie. Everyone was too worried to think, and it was only a small change, swallowed in the masses around us. I felt the people crowding the square. The sorcery hovered in the air above us, heavy and oppressive.
“You need me?” Forrest asked. He wasn’t angry at me. He was steeped in fear and the need to protect Aurora. He knew how my death would affect her, and he needed something to focus on.
“Are our kids here?” I asked.
He gestured with his head across the square. “Once the messages about the rally started pouring in, they all showed up.” Had Gaia been here she would have run towards me, full of excitement, explaining how hard they were trying to protect me.
“You better stay close to them. Watch over them.”
Forrest nodded, hugged Aurora and walked away. Blaze shifted his gaze between me and Lee. He didn’t say a word. River sniffled in silence.
Daphne opened her bag, and River and Blaze took out the things they needed. An old mug for River, a chili pepper for Blaze. Lee took a small plastic bag with herbs out of his backpack and handed it to Aurora.
I pulled Lee and Daphne closer so that they stood on either side of me. “You’re standing here.”
“We’re too close,” Lee remarked. “We can’t cast a circle like that.”
“It’s not that we can’t,” Daphne grumbled, “it’ll just hurt like hell.” She was still angry at me.
Aurora took the salt out of the bag. “Should we call Lilia?”
I took the salt from her. “No.” I moved Sherry, positioning her north of me. I gave her the salt. “We have an earth sorcerer here.”
Lee looked at me. A wave of understanding poured out of him. Sherry was right. Once he was in his right mind again, he grasped what I was trying to do. A tight, full circle, in the middle of the city, in violation of every law and taboo. Let them sue me after I’m dead. I turned my back to Sherry. Lee stood in the middle of the circle, and we huddled. I held my hands out to Lee’s sides, palms up. It took Daphne a moment. She held her hands out. We needed to bend sideways because of Lee’s height. “Three. Two. One,” I said.
They got it. I felt their wave materializing all at once. The objects evaporated before they hit the ground. The sound of the circle forming around Lee was deafening. This time I was one the sorcerers casting the circle, and not the one in the middle. I felt our sorcery coalescing, creating a protective ring around Lee, cutting him off from me entirely. If anyone around me changed their mind… if any of them decided not to risk losing their powers and to break away from the others…
They weren’t my kids from Yoyo. They knew the implications of a full circle.
No one broke away.
The circle of sorcery swirled around us. Fire. Clods. Steam. Too close. The fire scorched me. Clumps of earth hit my face. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore.
The final stage of Reed’s Moronic Plan.
Staying alive.
The sorcery roiled around me. Through me. Daphne’s sight poured into me. I knew she could feel what I was feeling. We were united. The circle was too close. Too cramped. We wouldn’t be able to keep it up much longer.
I felt the sorcery of the others in the square gathering, pooling into me. I was seeing through Daphne’s eyes. I could see the timelines she saw.
I saw fragments of visions, shiny images that barely came together. A man in a baseball cap handing a much younger Lee a bouquet of herbs and patting him on the back. The same man, older, talking to Lee with his head bowed over a hot beverage. The images faded and reappeared.
I couldn’t follow that timeline. I had to focus. To see how the Sons of Simeon would maneuver us. It would only take them a few more moments to deal with the change. They knew it was impossible to sustain such a cramped circle for long. They knew the elements swirling around us were wounding me and Daphne. All they needed was to wait. I could see that timeline. They’d wait, our circle would break up, they’d aim at Sherry, and take her down. I was saving them work by not casting the protective circle on her.
Lee straightened up. He cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled, “The murderers from the rallies are here!”
I felt the attention of those close to us turning to him. They passed on the message, a human microphone.
“We can find them!” he yelled in a hoarse voice. “We need your help!”
As the sorcerers closest to the circle passed on the message it took on slight variations, but the gist of it remained the same – a call to all sorcerers to get closer to our circle and amplify the sorcery. Daphne tightened her grip on my hands. I felt her fear growing.
Through her, I saw people I didn’t know gathering. They were moving from different directions across the square, far from us, synchronizing their movements. Lilia and Dimitri spotted us first. They began moving towards us, drawing the crowd after them. I felt their sorcery being sucked into the circle. Guy wasn’t at the square, and neither was a pink-haired moody who had her heart set on a PhD when she grew up popping bubblegum in my face, feigning bravery. I blinked back the tears.
Blaze’s power was the first to build up. Pyros were always the most active. River, then Aurora. But I needed more moodies around me.
Empaths don’t maneuver sorcerers, and certainly not other empaths. Unless of course we’re all about to die.
I drew from the circle’s sorcery and put my feelers out until I found another moody. I stirred the sense of urgency inside him, directing it at us. He sent me back consent, and after a moment pushed a damus standing next to him. Because of my connection with Daphne I could see the choices the damus was making in order to clear a path. He moved to the right, bumping into a normie woman who was holding a grape slushy. It spilled on her. An airhead dried her shirt for her. The airhead’s movement forced the woman standing next to him aside, clearing the way for the damus.
The sorcery of those who joined us condensed, amplifying the circle of elements and the combination of powers between me and Daphne. I felt through other moodies, saw through the damuses, felt the consolidating elements among all those who integrated their powers into the circle.