Giving In to You

by L. M. Carr

“It’s getting late,” he says quietly, walking toward the bedroom door. “I need to get the kids home and into bed. Gina’s got an early morning meeting.”

  “Gina? What’s she got to do with anything?” My voice sings like a soprano.

  “My kids are at her place. Every Thursday. I told you she helps me out a lot.” He looks at me as if we’ve already clarified this. Hmmm…I wonder what else she’s helped him out with. Stupid slut!

  “Ohhh…that’s right. You did mention that.” I smile and carefully walk down the stairs, wrapped up in my toga like a Greek goddess. “It’s okay that you came over for a ‘slam, bam, thank you ma’am.’” I tease and wink, walking into the kitchen.

  “What? You know it’s not like that.” Anger seeps through his voice. “It’s not like that with you,” he says quietly, hugging me tightly.

  “You’ve got to lighten up, babe. I’m just kidding.” Untangling my arms from the warmth of his cocoon, I smooth down his shirt over his chest.

  “If I could stay here, you know I would. Tonight was perfect.” Adam wraps his arms around me again, burying his nose in my hair, inhaling deeply.

  Tender, chaste kisses are shared between us. My eyelids grow heavy and close as his little pecks trail all around my face, down my neck, and finally back to my mouth. If we don’t stop now, he’ll never leave. He’ll have his way with me right here.

  “Adam,” I pant, pushing him back just far enough so I can see his eyes. “You need to go.” I reach up and smooth the lines of his face before giving him one last kiss. His throat bobs as he swallows hard, his head nodding in agreement. “You’re right. I do.”

  I don’t want him to leave with a look of melancholy written across his face. My hands fist his hair, and I kiss his mouth feverishly, ravishing him so he’ll have something to look forward to. “Let’s call that a little preview of what’s to come when I see you again. Will I see you this weekend?”

  He nods his response, tossing his head back laughing. “Is that supposed to make me want to leave or stay because you’re not helping.” His bulge is pushed into my belly, making me second guess my choice. “Go!” I open the back door and watch him slide into the driver’s seat of his SUV.

  EARLY THE NEXT MORNING, I get a text from Shelby telling me that she’s heading into work early and that she’s picking up coffee for us. She walks into my room, carrying two cups of coffee and sits on my reading table. The look on her face is one of apprehension and she looks a little green, too. I take the piping hot coffee from her, but she quickly grabs it back. I don’t see what the big deal is because we take our coffee the same way.

  “Sorry, I gave you the wrong one.” She looks at the side of the Styrofoam cup labeled “Decaf” and smiles sheepishly.

  “Okay…” I eye her suspiciously, knowing something is off with her. “What’s up with you?”

  She blows on her coffee and hesitates before speaking. My anxiety shoots to an unusually high level, wondering what could possibly be wrong. She’s a newlywed with a husband who is absolutely, positively, madly in love with her. How bad could things be?

  “Shel, you’re making me nervous here. Tell me,” I demand.

  “Promise me you won’t be mad.”

  “Oh shit, it’s that bad?” I ask, hoping she didn’t do something stupid.

  “I’m pregnant,” she mutters the words so quietly, I’m not sure I hear her correctly.

  “You’re pregnant?” I inhale deeply, swallowing the sip of hot coffee and then plastering a massive smile on my face. I’m beyond thrilled for her.

  “I know this is tough for you, Mia. Please don’t put on a brave face for me.”

  Shelby is completely right; this is tough, but this isn’t about me.

  “Shelby Matthews!” I place my coffee down and pull her into a tight embrace. “I’m so happy for you! Seriously! You’re going to be a wonderful mother.”

  Her arms don’t let me out of the embrace. I feel her petite body shudder and she exhales loudly. “I’ve been meaning to tell you for a few weeks now, but you’ve been busy.”

  “Bullshit! I am never too busy for you,” I tease, pulling out of her hug.

  “So, gimme the details. How far along are you? When are you due? Boy or girl? And most importantly, who’s the father?” I laugh as I bombard her with all these questions.

  “I think I’m about six weeks. First appointment is in two weeks. I don’t care as long as the baby is healthy and I sure hope to God it’s my husband’s.” She throws her head back in laughter as she gives it right back to me.

  “Holy shit, Shel, you’re having a BABY!” I squeal with excitement like a little school girl.

  “Hey, Auntie! Watch your mouth!”

  Shelby’s news is a double-edged sword. I really am happy for her and Mike, they are going to fabulous parents. While my heart is happy for her, those dormant feelings of loss and sadness try to break through. I refuse to let them. Perhaps good things come to those who wait. Perhaps not.

  Two things happen later in day. First, I walk into Mrs. Chapman’s office and tell her that I would be happy to chair the Harvest Festival. Fuck Gina.

  Second, a small pink envelope sitting on my desk catches my eye when I return from lunch. It has my name scribbled across it. I know the handwriting belongs to Madison. It’s not uncommon for my second graders to write me notes or make cards, but for some reason, I decide to open it now. A cartoon ballerina graces the front of the card and the words “You’re invited...” are written in a swirly, glittery font. It’s an invitation to her birthday party at Adam’s house in two weeks. Our weekend. A million thoughts run through my mind in that instant. Does he know she gave this to me? Should I go? Would he really want me there? Was he going to tell me about it? Why would he plan this on our weekend? I stuff the card into my workbag and pull out my phone, sending him a quick text about having received her party invitation.

  AL: I know she gave it to you. She asked me this morning right before we left.

  Me: And you’re okay with this?

  AL: I’m in a meeting. Talk later?

  Me: Sure.

  After recess, I pull Maddie aside and thank her for the invitation. My heart breaks when she wears a look of disappointment when I tell her that I’m not sure if I can make it.

  “That’s okay. Daddy said you probably wouldn’t come anyway.”

  “Oh…well, I didn’t say it was a definite ‘no.’” I smile. “I’ll let you know, so for now, it’s a ‘maybe.’ I’ll try to come.”

  The smile beaming from her beautiful face is enough to light up our town in a black out!

  Dismissal is the same as always, cordial greetings and nods.

  “Hello, Miss Delaney.”

  “Hello, Mr. Lawson.”

  ***

  ADAM ARRIVES LATER than usual after dropping his kids off at their grandparents’ for the weekend. We’ve made plans to head north early Saturday morning. I was a little apprehensive when he called me and said that he wanted to take me away for the day. Dreadful images of me waiting for him the morning he cancelled our day in New York swirled around in my head, taunting me, telling me not to get my hopes up.

  I don’t hear him come in over the music that’s playing, but I feel him as soon as he comes in through the kitchen door. I can always sense when he’s near. He’s still wearing a navy suit, a patterned tie loosened at the collar and he looks utterly exhausted, his face gaunt.

  I turn down the music and walk over to him. He wraps his arms around me and holds on for dear life. It’s not unusual for him to be affectionate with me, but this embrace feels different—like it’s the last one he’s ever going to give me, the kind you give when you know you won’t see that person again. I am spun around and pulled into his chest. He sweeps my hair over my shoulder, glides his nose back and forth slowly, gently, over the nape of my neck, inhaling and exhaling deeply several times. When with a final inhale and exhale, Adam turns me to face him once again, he rests his face in the crook my ne
ck. Hmmm…wonder what’s up. I rub large circles on his back, trying to ease some tension.

  “God, I’ve missed you,” his words mumbled, his lips pressed against my ear.

  “I missed you, too.”

  “I’m so tired,” his muttered words are a sign of his weariness. “By the time I got the kids into bed, it was almost ten o’clock.” He shakes his head. “They were exhausted and then Maddie woke up from a nightmare screaming, calling out for her mother. It’s just not right.” He shakes his head again. “Needless to say, I didn’t sleep well last night...I kept thinking about you. About us.” His lips press together, frustrations mars his face.

  “I’m sorry.” I run my fingers through his hair, thinking he needs a haircut. “I wish I could help you somehow.”

  He smiles, leaning down to kiss me. “You help me more than you know.”

  “Come with me.” I grab his hand, leading him upstairs and into the bathtub. He sits on the closed toilet while I fill the small bathtub with water and pour in some melon-scented bubble bath to which he just laughs.

  “What? It smells nice!” I laugh, feigning offense at the disgusted, yet playful, look on his face.

  Our clothes are shed and we lower our naked bodies into the hot water, facing one another. His eyes close and he tips his head back, resting it on the edge of the tub. His shoulders look tight, full of stress. I watch him quietly and carefully, imagining the gears shift in his head, all working at the same time causing an overload.

  I lather up my hands, pull his foot up from underneath the water and begin to massage it, running my thumbs up and down the arch, hoping to relieve some stress. His breath hitches and then exhales, his eyes never opening. I switch to the other foot and he obligingly lifts it up from under my leg. I can see the tension in his body begin to dissipate. Still he says nothing, but the gears are slowing down as relaxation overcomes. I grab the loofah sponge and soap and begin to wash him from bottom to top, paying close attention to his sensitive areas in between. He looks like he’s fallen sound asleep, but his mouth pulls into a side grin when I run the sponge over his semi-erect length and between his legs. Even at half mast, he’s impressive.

  “You’re good for me,” he croaks, his voice raspy.

  “I am?” I ask.

  “You’re like my own little oasis, my private tropical island. You’re my respite from the world.” He opens his tired eyes, smiling at me.

  My heart softens at his words and another brick from the wall surrounding and protecting my heart loosens and falls.

  His words reveal the mounting pressures. Raising his children on his own, working long hours to build his company...and me.

  Me? I don’t want to be a “pressure.” He must sense my hurt because he sits up quickly pulling me to straddle him, soapy water dripping from my body. “This is all new to me. You are what keeps me sane, Mia. There’s only so much pressure a branch can take before it snaps and breaks.” His words filled with sadness.

  Tears fill my eyes. I want so much to help him and be there for him and his children. Would he allow it? Would he let his two lives become one? Would he let me love him completely? Love him? What the fuck? I don’t love him. Do I? Oh shit, I think I do. Yep, I do love him with all my heart. How did I let myself go and fall in love with him? I know from experience that the things I love are always taken away from me. I guess the more important question I should ask myself is whether or not Adam would ever love me back? I shiver.

  “You’re getting cold. Let’s get you out.” Adam wraps a towel around his waist, before drying me with a fluffy towel. He lowers his head and kisses each one of my breasts, sucking my taut nipples into his mouth. “Mmmm. So sweet.”

  Hands roaming, mouths kissing, we walk backwards into my room, landing on my bed. Adam worships every part of my wanton body with his late into the night and again the next morning. He is a very, very generous man.

  ***

  AS WE WANDER AROUND the coastline on a beautiful autumn day, Adam holds my hand. We share chaste kisses and passionate kisses all without the worry of prying eyes. It’s absolutely perfect. The pressures are gone, left back at home under the covers of my bed. We sit on a park bench on the boardwalk and take notice of a young family of four playing on the swings. Laughter is heard, their joy is unmistakable by the smiles on their faces.

  “Tell me something.” He takes a sip of coffee, keeping his eyes on the family.

  “What do you want to know?” I ask before taking a sip of warm apple cider, angling my head to look at his profile.

  “Tell me why you’re not married with children?” Adam turns his head slowly to look at me.

  Shit! I wasn’t expecting that! I don’t answer. I don’t want to. Do I tell him the truth? Do I tell him that I should be married with at least one child, but that in one night, one fateful, winter night it was all taken away from me?

  “You are incredibly beautiful. You’re sexy, smart, funny, and you’re great with kids.” He rattles off my qualifications, twirling a lock of my long hair around his fingers. “I can’t believe some lucky guy hasn’t come along and snatched you up.”

  I shrug, not really wanting to have this conversation and ultimately ruin the great time we’re having. I don’t want to think about the past or even the future. I just want to think about the present. I clear my throat, offering my reply. “I don’t know. I guess my time hasn’t come yet. You know the saying, ‘It’ll happen when it happens.’” I give the most generic answer possible.

  “It’ll happen, Mia. Just you wait.” He smiles and turns back to look at the family of four who have moved onto the slide.

  What’s that supposed to mean? “It’ll happen?” When? With whom? He can’t surely mean with him? The realization of his words finally hit home. Oh, I get it. This is his way of saying we’re not permanent. I’ll find someone when he’s done with me. Right, got it!

  We spend the rest of the day milling around, window shopping, looking and people watching. He makes some funny observations about the locals in this little seaside town. We find a little shop decorated for Halloween that is sure to scare the town’s kids and their parents. It reminds me that I have a meeting this week about the Harvest Fest and then I need to start working on my annual Halloween Party. Maybe I can get Ryan, Will and the rest of the band to set up in the backyard and play for us. It’ll be great to have live music and it would get their band’s name out there.

  During our drive home, I find out that Adam is an only child who, after his parents divorced, lived with his mom in New York and travelled almost every summer to see his father in Southern California. I smile as I wonder what he was like as a boy. I imagine he looked just like Luke and was probably just as rambunctious. Lost deep in our own private thoughts, our fingers are laced together on my lap. John Legend croons softly about giving everything to his lover. We exit the highway and begin the drive through a nearby town. A house with colorful birthday balloons tied to its mailbox reminds me of the birthday party invitation I received from Maddie.

  “What can I get Maddie and Luke for their birthday?” I ask. His circling thumb stops abruptly and then resumes slowly.

  “You don’t have to get them anything.” He shakes his head, swallowing hard.

  “Why not?” I ask with incredulity in my voice. “It’s their birthday! Everybody loves birthday presents.”

  Adam slows to stop at the traffic light and turns to face me. “I have to tell you something and I don’t want you to get upset.”

  Oh, crap. I am so not going to like this. “What?”

  “I don’t think you should come to the party.”

  I try to pull my hand away, but he tightens his hold.

  “Let me explain.”

  I suddenly feel like his dirty little secret and he wants to keep me hidden away. I wouldn’t be there as his lover, I’d be there as his daughter’s teacher.

  “Go on.” I urge, reaching for my silver necklace, flipping the pendant between my fingers.

>   “You know how busy I am, right? You see how crazy my schedule is.”

  I nod a curt “yes” response, not liking what he’s going to say I’m sure.

  The light turns green and he proceeds. “Well, Gina offered to do everything for the kids’ party and I know you don’t like her. I know you have some issue with her, but she’s like family to us.” I know he probably doesn’t mean to, but his words are hurtful. He must think that I’m immature and have never gotten over some petty high school drama. God, if he only knew the truth.

  My lips purse and I turn to look out the window. He has no idea what my issue is with her and I’d rather keep it that way. If she had any clue that I was sleeping with Adam, she’d be after him, all over him in a heartbeat. Just like before. Twice before.

  “Are you sure that’s the only reason you don’t want me to come?” I ask, looking back at him.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” He sounds annoyed.

  “Adam, I wouldn’t be going to your daughter’s party as your lover. I got an invitation as her teacher. There is a difference.” I give him a look that implies I think he’s dense or stupid, even.

  A call comes through over the vehicle’s Bluetooth system, cutting into the music. I swear this woman has a mental GPS or something. “Hey, Gina,” Adam answers, pressing a button on the steering wheel. I roll my eyes when he gives me an apologetic look. Mentally, I yank at my hair and scream, “AHHH….WHAT. THE. FUCK! Go away, stupid bitch, go away!” But the reality is that I just sit there.

  “Hey, yourself. How’s your weekend?” Gina’s voice is sweet like sugar and I want to vomit.

  “It’s good. What’s up?” The only consolation I have is that he sounds a little impatient with her.

  “Oh, I wanted to tell you that I’ve secured the caterer for the party and the...” I tune her voice out.

  Not really wanting to subject myself to their conversation, I reach down into my bag to check my phone and I see that I’ve missed a call and have a voicemail from Mrs. Longo along with two texts: one from Pete, the other from Shane. I quickly reply to Pete’s and delete Shane’s. I don’t want to have to explain to Adam about how Shane has still been hounding me relentlessly with his pleas for a second chance. Stubborn ass! He doesn’t get that “no means no”! I cover one ear to drown out Gina’s voice still rambling on and on about the arrangements for the party. I listen to Mrs. Longo’s voicemail telling me that Brady was behaving strangely but now is fine and that I shouldn’t worry about him.