Strange Bedpersons

by Jennifer Crusie

  “You don’t have to adapt. I’m just afraid to get married. You can still have me.” Tess let her head roll back against the seat. “In fact, you’ve got me.”

  “No,” Nick said. “I want commitment.”

  “You’re drunk. You don’t want commitment. You’re a guy. Get a grip.”

  The cab pulled up in front of Nick’s house, and he leaned forward to pay the cabbie before he opened the door and got out. He took Tess’s hand to help her out and then he walked her to the door, his arm tight around her shoulders. “We’ll talk about it in the morning.”

  “I didn’t do so good, did I?” Tess said, while he unlocked the front door. “Welch is still going to publish that damn book. And you don’t have a job. And neither do I, since Welch is going to sink me with Decker.” Then she brightened. “But on the other hand, I still have my jacket.”

  “In the morning,” Nick repeated, and gave her a gentle shove into the house before following her in.

  THE RIVER INN WAS BRIMMING with hearty, smiling people when the waiter showed Nick to a table the next morning. Nick peered blearily over the top of his dark glasses, winced, and put his glasses back on.

  “Coffee,” he said to the waiter. “Very, very black.”

  “Very good, sir,” the waiter said.

  “Hurry,” Nick said, and concentrated on keeping his head from exploding while he waited for caffeine and relief.

  Park and Gina took chairs across from him just as the waiter delivered his cup.

  “Why the dark glasses?” Park asked.

  “Because I have the hangover from hell, and the sunlight makes my brain shudder.” Nick picked up his coffee and sipped it carefully.

  “Where’s Tess?” Gina whipped her head around like a hyperactive bird, bright and tensely eager to enjoy the morning. Too bright and eager. Her smile looked like it was strung from her ears.

  “Why aren’t you in excruciating head-banging pain?” Nick snarled at her.

  “Because she threw up again when we got home,” Park said. “I think she lost everything she’d eaten for the past month. Definitely got rid of the alcohol. Nothing left inside to make her sick. Smart woman. So what about breakfast?”

  “Do you mind?” Nick scowled at him. “What did you do—throw up with her?”

  “Me? Oh, I never have hangovers.” Park picked up the menu. “Crepes. How does cherry sauce sound, Gina?”

  “Wait a minute.” Nick put up his hand. “I’m the healthy one around here. I don’t drink, smoke, stay up late or run around with strange women. So why are you fine and I’m hung over?”

  “Lack of practice,” Park said. “You can’t just jump into debauchery one night and expect to get the hang of it by morning. It takes years. And anyway, Tess is strange.”

  “She is not,” Gina said from the depths of the menu.

  “Strange in a nice way,” Park amended. “But you’ve got to admit she’s different.”

  “That’s true,” Gina said. She peered cautiously at Park over the edge of the menu. “How about if I get waffles with blueberry sauce? Then maybe you can have some of mine and I’ll take some of your crepes?”

  “Great,” Park said, and Gina put down the menu and smiled at him shyly.

  Nick groaned. “It’s too early in the morning for young love. Knock it off.”

  “Hey, we’ve been putting up with you and Tess for weeks,” Park said. “By the way, where is Tess?”

  “Next door at the newsstand, arguing with the clerk.” Nick lifted his glasses and tried to find her through the sunlight that screamed through the restaurant. “I don’t know what she’s doing. I left her because I needed coffee.”

  “About this new partnership idea—” Park began and then stopped when Tess dropped into the chair beside Nick.

  “Mission accomplished,” Tess said. “So how are you all this morning? Still engaged?”

  Gina stiffened and looked at her with venom iced with despair.

  “Of course we’re still engaged,” Park said.

  Gina’s mouth fell open and she turned to face him. “You mean it?”

  He looked at her in surprise. “Of course I mean it. Why would I change my mind?”

  Gina blinked and swallowed. “Well, you were drunk when you asked me. And then I threw up in the most expensive restaurant in town in front of your parents and half of Riverbend society. And—”

  “I’m sober now,” Park said. “Will you marry me?”

  “Yes,” Gina said faintly.

  “Good,” Park said. “Let’s order breakfast.”

  Gina put her hand on his arm. “Don’t you care that you’ll never be able to go back to The Levee again?”

  Park patted her hand. “Gina, The Levee needs us more than we need them. We can go back anytime.”

  “Us?” Gina said.

  “Us,” Park said. “Are you going to make me propose again?”

  “Probably,” Gina said. “I’m having a hard time getting this.” She gazed up at him in watery disbelief, and then she began to smile through her tears. “Maybe last night wasn’t the worst night of my life.”

  “Well, personally I enjoyed the evening tremendously,” Tess said. “Which is why I just sent a thank-you gift to the Pattersons.”

  Nick looked at her suspiciously over his sunglasses. “What did you do?”

  “I sent them a nice gift subscription,” Tess said. “Delivered straight to their door every week.” She smiled. “For the next five years.”

  “A subscription to what?” Nick asked, fairly sure he didn’t want to know.

  “The National Enquirer,” Tess said.

  “Oh, no,” Nick said.

  “I thought about the Sun,” Tess went on, “because it had a lovely cover story about an alien having Elvis’s baby in a Stop-and-Go in Minnesota, but I decided that Melisande would rather know that the story about Roseanne Arnold having her thighs sucked is simply a vicious rumor. However, it is true that Liz—”

  “You sent my mother a five-year subscription to the National Enquirer?” Park said.

  “Well, Park, I had to,” Tess said. “Any fool knows Elvis was never in Minnesota. And I wanted your mother to have the best.”

  “Let me buy you breakfast,” Park said. “Did you say it’s delivered to the door?”

  “Every week,” Tess said. “And you know, I doubt she’ll be able to get it canceled. I understand it’s extremely difficult to duck the National Enquirer.”

  “Let me buy you lunch, too.”

  “Mr. Patterson asked me to be his secretary,” Christine said to Nick when the four of them arrived at the office. “Did you get fired?”

  “Did it ever occur to you I might have quit?” Nick asked, exasperated.

  “No,” Christine said.

  Nick gave up. “Yes, I got fired.”

  “But it was my fault,” Tess said.

  “So where are we working now?” Christine said to Nick.

  Nick blinked. “You’re coming with me?”

  “It took me a long time to break you in,” Christine said. “Also, Mr. Patterson is incompetent.” She stared at Park. “Nothing personal.”

  “It’s all right,” Park said. “I know he’s incompetent. He fired me, too.”

  Christine remained undisturbed by the news.

  “Look, maybe if I talked to him—” Tess began, and both Park and Nick said, “No.”

  At that moment Kent came out of his office, followed by Welch.

  “We’re just leaving,” Nick said to Kent. “We’ll be out as soon as we’ve—”

  “Now, let’s not be hasty,” Kent said.

  “Hasty?” Tess said, outraged, but Nick clamped a hand over her mouth before she could go on.

  “Good thinking,” Welch said to Nick. “This is why I want you for my lawyer. You scope out the situation and move on it.” He turned back to Kent. “I mean it. The only way your firm is handling this book is if Jamieson and your son are in charge. I don’t want you anywhere near
my account. Got that?”

  “Hello?” Nick exchanged a look with Park. Then he smiled genially at Welch. “Well, that would be just fine with me, sir, but we’ve been fired. Sorry.”

  “Wait a minute—” Kent began.

  Welch grinned at Nick. “Thinking of setting up your own practice?”

  “Absolutely,” Nick said, and Park nodded.

  “Now there’s no need for that,” Kent said. “I may have let the wine do the talking last night, but I’m a big enough man to realize the error of my ways. You’re not fired.” He glanced at his son. “Either one of you.”

  “I’m marrying Gina,” Park said. “Get used to it or fire me again.”

  Kent smiled antiseptically at Gina. “Welcome to the family, my dear,” he said with absolutely no enthusiasm.

  “Thank you,” Gina said, and took Park’s hand.

  “Well, it’s a start,” Park said to his father. “Work on your warmth.”

  “And now Nicholas,” Kent said, turning to Nick and Nick said, “No.”

  “No?” Tess said, but for once Kent was ahead of her.

  “What do you want?” he said grimly.

  “Partner,” Nick said. “I deserve it. Give it to me.”

  “It’s a family firm, son...” Kent said.

  “Then adopt me,” Nick said. “Because I’m walking without it.”

  “And I’ll be with him,” Park said. “God knows, I’d never make it without him, anyway.”

  Welch looked at Tess. “You enjoying this?”

  Tess shrugged. “Moderately. I’m still not happy about that damn book.”

  “It’s a good book,” Welch said.

  “It’s a dishonest book,” Tess said.

  “Young lady, that’s no way to talk to your elders,” Kent said.

  “That’s no way to talk to my wife,” Nick said at the same time Welch said, “Shut up, Patterson.”

  Kent glared at Tess but tried to soften the loathing in his voice. “If you’re going to marry a member of this firm, my dear, you’re going to have to do some growing up.”

  “No, she doesn’t,” Nick said. “She stays the way she is. And technically she’s not marrying a member of this firm. She’s marrying me, and I’m still fired.”

  “No, you’re not.” Kent’s face creased in pain for a moment and then he said, “I’ll get the partnership papers drawn up this afternoon.”

  “Works for me,” Nick said. Then he turned to Tess. “Stop harassing my biggest client.”

  “Back off, Jamieson,” Welch said. “I didn’t hire you to protect me from her.”

  “You’ll change your mind,” Nick said. “She’s stubborn as hell.”

  “I’m getting married,” Gina said suddenly, amazement dawning in her voice.

  “I’m not,” Tess said.

  “Yes, you are,” Nick said. “The only person more stubborn than you is me. Besides, I just made partner, so now I can give this marriage thing all my attention.”

  “Don’t bet on it,” Tess said.

  Welch looked at both of them and laughed.

  Tess transferred her attention back to him. “I want to talk to you.” She pulled him to one side, away from everyone else.

  “If you’re going to yell at me about the book, forget it,” Welch said. “I like it the way it is.”

  Tess put her hands on her hips and scowled at him. “That book is crap, Lanny.”

  Welch closed his eyes and then, after a moment, he opened them and grinned at her. “Twenty-eight years and it seems like yesterday. Damn, I’ve missed you.”

  “What?” Tess’s surprise made her scowl disappear. “You’re not paying attention here. I just insulted you.”

  “Twenty-eight years ago I was stuck in that commune, trying to figure out why everything suddenly sounded so damn stupid,” Welch said to her. “There was Daniel, strutting around like an Old Testament prophet, and he sure as hell sounded like he knew what he was talking about And Elise.” A smile eased onto Welch’s face. “Your mother was something else, Tessie. Feminism and free love. Hell of a woman, Elise.”

  Tess blinked, and Welch returned to earth.

  “But I just couldn’t buy it anymore,” he told her. “All that anti authority-peace-and-love stuff. It sounded pretty, but I knew it wasn’t working, knew it wouldn’t work. It was all starting to sound like such garbage, but everybody there believed it, and hell, I was twenty-six. What did I know?”

  “You knew everything,” Tess said, startled. “I thought you were God.”

  “And then one day,” Welch said, “I was sitting off by myself, trying to figure out why I was so damn uneasy, and you showed up with your hair sticking up and a black eye. You said, ‘This turn-the-other-cheek stuff is crap, Lanny,’ just like you did now, and I knew you were right. You were the only one in the whole damn place who had a clue.”

  “And that’s when you taught me how to pick my fights,” Tess said, remembering. Suddenly there was a lump in her throat. “And then you left me.” She was horrified to hear her voice quiver.

  Welch looked startled by the emotion in her voice. “I had to,” he said. “You showed me the way out.”

  “I did?” Tess swallowed the lump in her throat. “No. No, you just got bored and left.”

  “No,” Welch said. “I got smart and left. The only thing I regret about leaving is not taking you with me.”

  “Oh, hell.” Tess closed her eyes. “Oh, damn, I wish you had.”

  Welch snorted. “Yeah. Your mom wouldn’t have batted an eye if I’d kidnapped you. Sure.”

  “She probably wouldn’t have noticed,” Tess said. “I can’t believe you left because of something I said.”

  “You were a touchstone, Tessie,” Welch said. “I always knew whether something was true once I’d floated it by you.”

  “I was eight,” Tess said, dumbfounded.

  “Yeah, and you were still smarter than everybody around you,” Welch said. “That’s why I went after Jamieson. I wanted to hear you laugh at that damn book with me. Validation.” He snorted at her in contempt. “I thought you would have caught on by now, but I was wrong. I should never have left you with your parents. They screwed you up good.”

  “No, they didn’t.” Tess glared at him and then relented. “Okay, let’s try this again. Your book isn’t crap. It’s just too simplistic.”

  “I’m not rewriting that book,” Welch said. “I’m tired of writing. I’m going into politics.”

  “Oh, there’s a surprise.” Tess put her hands on her hips and frowned at him, and he grinned back at her. “Knock it off,” she said. “I’m not eight, so stop patronizing me. Here’s the deal.”

  “There is no deal,” Welch said.

  “You rethink that book and make it balanced—”

  “It’s satire, damn it. It’s not supposed to be balanced,” Welch snapped.

  “—and I’ll campaign for you.”

  “What?”

  Tess grinned at Welch’s stunned expression. “Well, somebody’s got to look out for you, and obviously Henderson can’t watch you all the time. You ate steak last night. You need me, Lanny. Fix that book, and I’ll help keep you from becoming the Jesse Helms of Kentucky.”

  Welch looked dumbfounded.

  “I’m your touchstone, Lanny,” Tess said. “You said so yourself. We did all right together that summer. And I’m telling you straight on this, that book is too biased. Satire or not, it’s mean, Lanny. You’ve got to fix it.”

  “No,” Welch said, but his voice was thoughtful.

  “Come on, Lanny,” Tess said. “Think how much fun we can have in politics. And I’ve learned a lot about schmoozing from Nick. I can be a real asset. You need me. And I’ll have plenty of time since I’m not teaching at Decker now. I’ll need my afternoons to work at the Foundation, but my weekends are yours.”

  “Jamieson might have something to say about that,” Welch grumped. “And you know damn well you’ve got the Decker job.”

 
“I think I’d rather be in politics.”

  “No,” Welch said. “God, no. I insist you take the Decker job.”

  “What about the book?” Tess said, and Welch closed his eyes for a moment in defeat.

  “We’ll talk about it,” he said finally, and Tess leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek.

  “I love you, Lanny,” she said. “I’m really glad you found me again. And from now on, I’m going to take care of you.”

  “Oh, God, no,” Welch said again.

  “CHRISTINE, RENT A CHURCH,” Nick said without taking his eyes off Tess as she harangued Welch. “I’m getting married in two weeks.”

  “It’s going to take you longer than that to talk her into it.” Christine picked up her steno pad. “Make it six weeks.”

  “Let’s make this expensive.” Nick folded his arms and, ignoring Christine, watched Tess argue with Welch. “Might as well make it a big wedding and invite society. Should be good for the firm.”

  “Tess will want a small wedding.” Christine made notes as she spoke. “Out of your house, not a church.”

  “Fancy caterers,” Nick said. “Champagne fountains. The works.”

  “Tess likes Chinese,” Christine said. “Rice wine. Fortune cookies.”

  “And an orchestra.”

  “It won’t fit in your house. Maybe a classical trio.”

  Christine looked at Tess. “No. Tess would prefer jazz.”

  Nick watched Tess’s rear suddenly curve as she bent to kiss Welch on the cheek. “Order a wedding dress, too. A tight one. No hoopskirts.”

  “Tess will want to find her own.” Christine thought for a moment and made another note. “There’s a vintage-clothing store on Twelfth Street

  .”

  Nick suddenly transferred his attention back to his secretary. “Did you get all that?” he asked.

  “Yes,” Christine said serenely. “You can rely on me.”

  Nick shot her a suspicious glance, but when she gazed back at him without expression, he turned his eyes back to Tess.

  “This is going to be a great wedding,” he said.

  Epilogue