Yellow Wife

by Sadeqa Johnson

  “I’s doin’ what I can.” She looked at me, and her eyes told me what her mouth would not. My head started spinning on what herbs and remedies I could mix up for her, but all the chatter stopped when I opened the kitchen door and saw Essex standing with a bag tossed over his shoulders. He moved toward me and grabbed my face. Even though I had planned his run, I could not believe it was really happening. My lips parted but the words did not follow.

  Aunt Hope closed the door firmly behind her. “Time is now with all the commotion.”

  “Come on, beautiful. We gotta go.”

  My heart sank. “Essex… I cannot leave. Mama is in bad shape and Missus expecting me to deliver her baby.”

  Aunt Hope poured hot water in a basin. “Now be best. You have to take what God gives.”

  “Please, Pheby.” Essex’s eyes darkened.

  It was not supposed to be like this. To have to choose between Essex and Mama.

  My lips trembled, and tears clouded my eyes. I pulled Essex to my chest and squeezed my love into him. I tried memorizing everything; the curve of his back, the way his stubble felt when he brushed it across my cheek, the hardness of his muscles, his calloused hands.

  “We will meet up in Massachusetts. I will find you.”

  He shook his head.

  “You must go on. You are the one in danger.” I caressed his hand.

  “Gotta hurry ’fore Snitch get wind of Missus in labor.” Aunt Hope gave Essex the pass that Missus Delphina wrote. “Give him the travel satchel,” she said to me.

  Under one of the bricks of the stove, I had hidden a small bag for Essex. I removed the piece of paper on top.

  “This is a pass to Baltimore. Says you are going to work for Missus’s uncle.”

  “You rippin’ out my heart.”

  “This is harder on me than you know.”

  I kept my face brave as I explained the other items in the bag. “Rub this red onion on the soles of your feet and the horses’ hooves every few hours. Whenever you see pine or spruce, rub it on your hands, face, and clothes. It is how you keep the hounds from picking up your scent.”

  A tear welled in the corner of his eye and I kissed it away. “Look for the all-girls school in Massachusetts. Be there sometime ’round the first of the year.” I touched my heart necklace to his lips and gave him my sweetest smile. “Go now. Promise, we will be together soon.”

  “You have my heart, Pheby.” He pulled at his necklace and clutched the wooden piece in his hand.

  “And you have mine.”

  He kissed me hard on the lips for the last time and then walked out the door. I did not follow to watch him ride off. I busied myself with gathering the towels and basin of water, trying to put my concentration anywhere but on my brokenness.

  Aunt Hope whispered, “Soon as you can, burn everythin’ with his smell.”

  I covered my mouth with my hand, forcing my cry to stay quiet.

  She patted my back. “Go on now, Essex needin’ you to be strong ’round the Missus. ’Member, you is the distraction.”

  Straightening my back and pursing my lips, I told Aunt Hope that I would take care of it all. As I crossed the grass, I strained for the sound of Essex’s horse, but he was gone. Lovie shouted again from the window.

  “Make haste, girl!”

  I made my way into the big house holding the basin of water, towels bulging from my arms. When I entered Missus’s chambers, I did my best to keep my emotions from reddening my skin.

  “What took you so long? Where do you keep running off to?”

  “The towels, ma’am.” I held them out in front of me.

  “Does not take that long to get towels.”

  I hesitated. “My mama was hurt in the carriage accident too. Her leg is infected. I think she needs to see the doctor.”

  Missus tsked her teeth. “Lovie, go tell Hope to give Ruth some soup and blankets.”

  “Ma’am, her flesh is open and the wound is festering. Please.” My voice cracked. “She needs the doctor.”

  “Your mama work roots, she will figure it out.”

  “Never seen an infection this bad before. She might not… This is different than the work she does. It smells like her skin is already decaying.”

  She clapped her hands to silence me. “That’s enough out of you. Now, do not leave this house again until I give you permission. I will not die in this bed.” She gripped the covers as another contraction rolled through her. “Deliver me from this baby. After that, we will see about Ruth.”

  I got down between her legs, hoping that Mama would hold on.

  CHAPTER 7

  Delivery

  It took two risings of the moon before the baby crowned and another full hour before I caught it. Missus gave birth to a tan baby boy with ears that promised more pigment. I cut the cord and handed the baby to Lovie for cleaning. Missus moaned in an exhausted delirium. The infant had started a light cry, and Lovie rocked it while I helped Missus deliver the afterbirth.

  “Shall I fetch a wet nurse from the fields?” Lovie held the baby toward Missus Delphina.

  “No one else,” Missus murmured as the child’s cries grew louder. She looked at the baby and, after taking in his skin, turned on her side like she did not hear, refusing him. The boy cried and cried as I mopped up the mess from the birth. Finally, Missus reached for the baby and gave it her breast.

  I packed Missus with towels to catch the bleeding. When the boy had his fill, she handed him over to me like it pained her to touch him. The child had almond eyes like Essex’s with rounded cheeks and a fuzzy patch of hair. Just looking at him made me mushy, and I knew I would do whatever it took to take care of Essex’s son. I swaddled the baby in a blanket and hummed in his ear while Lovie spooned more soup into Missus’s mouth. After she ate, she fell into an exhausted sleep. Lovie steered me out of the bedroom. Once I closed Missus’s bedroom door, she muttered, “Go see ’bout Ruth.”

  She carried the baby to the nursery and shut the door behind her. Outside the air did not move. I could not remember the last time I’d had more than an hour of sleep. Essex had a two-day start, and thus far he had not been missed. Still, I worried over his safety. When I climbed the ladder to the loom house, I heard Aunt Hope singing softly:

  There is a balm in Gilead

  To make the wounded whole

  There is a balm in Gilead

  To cure a sin-sick soul

  The odor of Mama greeted me before I even laid eyes on her. Aunt Hope had a rag and cool water beside her bed, and I knelt, then swabbed the sweat from Mama’s forehead.

  “How is she doing?” I asked, though Mama’s dull skin, hollowed-out cheeks, and swollen thigh conveyed it all.

  “Ain’t good. Lord have mercy.” She grabbed my hand.

  We both watched over Mama in silence. Then Aunt Hope asked about Missus.

  “Had a boy.”

  “And?”

  I nodded my head in a way that conveyed our suspicions.

  Aunt Hope wiped her hands on her apron. “Trouble ahead. I’s best get on up to the big house.”

  “See if you can convince Missus to send for the doctor. Tell her how bad Mama is suffering,” I said hoarsely.

  She nodded her head and let herself down the ladder.

  I slipped in and out of sleep as I sat next to Mama. She moaned and seemed to have small fits in her slumber. The sun had dipped behind the house by the time she opened her cloudy eyes.

  “Mama.” I caressed her face as our eyes locked on each other’s. The intensity of her gaze took me by surprise. I felt the depth of her love, though no words passed between us. For a moment, my mind went empty of everything but her. Then she motioned with a bent finger to the brown jar. I held it to her lips and she swallowed. She lifted her mouth and breathed into my ear.

  “ ’Member who you are Pheby… Delores Brown.”

  “Mama, save your strength.”

  “You ain’t nobody’s prop—” She drooled saliva and then her face went
limp.

  “Mama!” I shrieked.

  But she was gone.

  First came shock. Then the wail rumbled deep down in my gut until the grief gurgled up in my throat. Agony poured from my lips as if I were being decimated like a hog. Felt that way, too. Into her warm chest, I sobbed. How was I meant to go on without my mama? I slipped to my knees, held my head in my hands, and wept.

  I knew I should get back up to the big house, but I could not make myself move toward the ladder. I did not know how much time had passed when Aunt Hope came for me. When she took in the scene she swooped me up in her arms and held me tight.

  “I’s sorry ’bout this,” she said, as she patted my back. “Ruth ain’t deserve to go like this.”

  I could hear flies already flitting around, and Aunt Hope moved to cover Mama’s body with a white sheet.

  “Know it’s hard, but you got to keep goin’. I didn’t know my mama at all. Thank God you had her long as you did.” In that moment, I did not feel like the lucky one.

  She wiped the dampness from her eyes with the back of her hand. “We need our heads right now. Snitch sniffin’ ’round the kitchen asking me questions about Essex. Think he might make his way to the house for a word with Missus.”

  It took a few moments for me to comprehend.

  “Needin’ your smarts, gal, to get him off the trail.”

  I rose, feeling crippled; kissed Mama’s forehead; and pressed my hands against my cheeks, hoping they would arrange me into some sort of order.

  The temperature outside had dropped to a chill, and there was no sign of the moon. Snitch stood at the foot of the back steps, with his whip hanging around his neck like a snake hungry to strike. His left cheek was puffed up with tobacco and he smelled like whiskey.

  “Where is the stable boy?”

  “Missus sent him to see about Master Jacob,” I answered.

  “I ain’t seen the mistress taking her walks. Where is she?”

  “Under the weather, sir.”

  “Gon’ need confirmation of that. Let me in.”

  Aunt Hope and I blocked the path to the door.

  “Missus Delphina is too weak to take the stairs,” I replied.

  “Ain’t proper for a man ain’t her husband enter her bedchamber this late at night.”

  Snitch’s dark eyes forced fear in every slave he came across. I was no different, and it took careful concentration for me not to fidget and show our lie.

  “I’ll be back in the morning. Tell her I needs to see her.” He spit on the ground in front of us, then mounted his horse. Once he’d disappeared through the thicket, I exhaled.

  “What are we going to do?”

  “They gon’ know sooner or later. You get rid of his things?”

  “Not yet, been with Mama.” Her name on my lips made me choke, and then my knees trembled.

  Aunt Hope grabbed me up with her strong arms. I sniffed and forced my lungs to breathe in the air to keep from feeling light-headed. Aunt Hope pulled a handkerchief from her apron and wiped the fresh wetness from my eyes. “Burn her things, too, so infection don’t spread.”

  I nodded and watched her walk to the kitchen house. If Snitch planned to see Missus first light, under the cover of the moonless night seemed the best time to burn Essex’s things. I could not bring myself to disrupt Mama—her stuff would wait—but I made my way over to the stables. Parrott stood on a stool brushing one of the horses, a corn pipe dangling from between his lips.

  “Snitch looking for Essex, so be careful.”

  “Just saw him. Came to burn up Essex’s things.”

  I climbed up into the loft area where Essex slept and grabbed everything he’d left behind. An old work shirt, a worn-out straw hat, and a threadbare blanket. I gathered them along with the straw pallet he slept on and lugged them down the path that led deeper into the woods. It was not until I passed the cemetery that I realized I was headed to the black walnut tree. Instinctively I knew that to protect Essex, I needed to burn his belongings on the grounds of Mama’s tree.

  The red ribbon I had tied flapped against the wind, welcoming me. I could feel Mama’s presence as I prayed for Essex’s safe passage to freedom. Then I placed everything in a pile and created fire with a flint and steel. Once the spark caught on the char cloth, I tossed it onto the pile and watched the flames lick through his things. Now that Mama had crossed over, I wondered if I would have fared better running with Essex. With them both gone, Master Jacob was all I had left. That thought settled in my belly like a heavy stone.

  The fire had all but died when I saw movement down by the river. I expected it was a white-tailed deer. Mama always warned me that they tended to be more active at night. But then I heard a faint cry. Curiosity made me walk toward the sound, and when I reached the river’s edge, I spotted Missus Delphina wading out into the water past her knees. I heard another high-pitched cry, and then she plunged down to her chest in the water. I took off running.

  “Missus,” I called, but she did not answer me. When she emerged from the water, I saw the infant boy. It laid limp and naked in her arms. Missus stepped out the water and then threw the lifeless body into my arms.

  “Bury it.”

  She turned for the big house while my tears ran like an open spigot. How could she be so cruel as to kill her own flesh and blood? She could have given him to a field woman to raise. No one in Lowtown would have asked questions, just accepted him as their own. His poor little body felt cold, so I untied my headscarf and covered him with it. Two beautiful souls lost on the same day. I carried the boy up to the storehouse, removed a shovel, and then went back to the spot where I had burned Essex’s clothes and started digging a grave for his son.

  CHAPTER 8

  Snitch

  I woke up the next morning haunted by the infant boy’s face; then I remembered Mama’s body under the white sheet and hot tears stung my eyes. Soon as I got dressed, I found Lovie heading into the nursery and told her what Missus had done to the baby. Her bottom lip quivered, and she rocked on her heels, looking as if she might faint. Snitch, yelling from the side door, pulled her from her stupor.

  “I will take care of him.” I handed her a towel for her face, then sprinted downstairs to the door.

  “Needs to talk to the mistress now. Go tell her I am here.”

  Missus Delphina had not emerged from her bedroom, nor had she beckoned me to bring her anything. While I stood there trying to figure out my next move, Snitch shoved me aside and entered the house.

  “Mistress Delphina,” he called out. “I needs to speak with you!”

  He moved through the service room and out into the entrance hall, trying to decide which way to go; then he grabbed my arm.

  “Show me to her room. Now.”

  Lovie appeared just as I was beginning to discolor. “Mr. Snitch, what can we do for you?”

  He pushed past her, took the front steps three at a time to the second floor, and shouted for the missus. The upstairs bedrooms fanned in a U shape, and he started knocking on doors until he came upon hers.

  “Yes,” she croaked. “What calls for so much racket?”

  “It’s Snitch and I needs to talk to you. Are you all right in there?”

  We followed him, and Lovie moved to speak through the door.

  “Missus, are you proper?”

  Snitch knocked again. “I needs a word now.”

  “Come in.”

  Lovie and I went after Snitch into Missus’s chambers. She had the covers pulled up to her chin and her hair could have used a comb.

  “What is the meaning of this unplanned visit?” she barked.

  Snitch removed his hat and explained that he had not seen Essex in a few days. “The yella girl said you sent him on an errand and I want confirmation.”

  Missus sat up in her bed. “That was a few days ago.”

  “I did not know you wrote the pass.”

  “My husband pays you finely to make everything that happens with our property your bu
siness.”

  “No sighting of him is why I am here, ma’am. Thinking he might of gon’ astray.”

  Missus looked at Lovie and then me. “Ninny, where is Essex?”

  “It is like you said, Missus, he rode out to check on Master Jacob at the doctor’s house. Perhaps Master asked Essex to stay with him until he felt well enough to travel home.”

  She threw back her covers, then thought better of it and pulled them back over her. “You make it your immediate duty to alert the patroller,” she barked at Snitch. “He is my best nigger and I want him back here.”

  Lovie showed Snitch out, and Missus fixed her eyes on me. “My mama died last night.”

  Missus Delphina brought her hands to her mouth. I did not know if she hid a smile or shock. “Lord have mercy on this plantation. How much more can a mistress take in one day?”

  She pushed back her blankets. “Tell Hope to get the men to dig a grave. A small service can be held Saturday night after the work is done.”

  “Yes, Missus.”

  She looked at me. “Ninny, I cannot imagine how you feel, but there is work to be done. So stop moping and help me dress so that I can get this place back under control.”

  Missus had me pull her corset extra tight, but I could still see the puffiness around her middle. It made me remember the tan baby boy and what she had done to him, and to Mama by not calling for the doctor. Disdain for her settled in my fingers, and I yanked on her hair as I brushed it.

  “Ow!” She tried to grab the brush, but I held it tightly in my fist.

  “Sorry, it got tangled.”

  “Watch it, girl.” She bumped me with her shoulder.

  I removed the brush and swept her hair into a simple twist. Once she felt satisfied with her appearance, I walked after her downstairs. Outside she located Snitch and ordered him to ring the bell.

  One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Five rings meant a slave had escaped the plantation. In a matter of minutes, the ones from Lowtown hustled up the hill while thick pillowy clouds hovered overhead. Standing at the edge of the porch, Missus Delphina clasped her hands together and looked down at all who had gathered. Thirty-six of us now since Rachel, Mama, and Essex were gone.