SCARS

by Jaimie Roberts

  I smile as I think about what tonight will bring. No matter what, I know I’m ready. Tonight is the night…

  And I just can’t wait.

  The butterflies are growing now. My dress is on, and I’m standing in front of the mirror admiring how elegant it is. I was glad I chose this dress when I did, and I’m even more so now. It makes me think back to the day I bought it. I remember it being a funny day because my dad was acting weird and then Christine even more so. She’s never mentioned that day since, so I never bring it up. If she wants to talk, she always knows where to find me.

  As I stand here looking at myself, I begin to wonder what tonight will bring. In just a few days, I will be off to Montana, and I won’t see J for over a month. That thought causes me a pang which shouldn’t even be there. I shouldn’t want him the way that I do. I still have internal fights with myself questioning my sanity. It always boils down to one thing and one thing only. I want him no matter what.

  “Wow, look at you. My little sister’s growing up.”

  I turn and see Elle standing at the doorway with a big grin on her face. “I suppose I am.”

  Opening the door further, Elle walks in and sits on my bed. “That was a kick-ass speech today. Well done.”

  I feel my cheeks flame a little at the compliment. “Thanks. I was scared shitless going up there, but I’m glad I did it now.”

  She studies me for a moment making me feel self-conscious. “You know, there’s something different about you. You look kind of … radiant.” She suddenly gasps and stands up. “You’re not pregnant, are you?”

  Now it’s my turn to gasp. “No way. That’s not even possible—unless it was an immaculate conception.” I think back to J again and wonder if he has that much power. I really am going nuts.

  She visibly sighs and sits back down again. “Thank God for that. You know I lost mine too young. I had barely turned eighteen. I’m not saying I regret it. I just wish I would have done things differently.”

  Well, that answers my question about her ex. “How would you have done things differently?” I sit down beside her, hoping to get some wisdom for tonight.

  Elle stares off into space for a moment before answering. “I guess I would have listened to the doubts in my head a little more. Art did put a little pressure on me, I must admit. I didn’t think about it much at the time because, well, I thought I was in love, and Art naturally just wanted us to move on to the next step. I’m not saying he was bad to want it from me. I just didn’t realize at the time that we would only last another six months or so before we broke up. I suppose it’s just one of those things, and I have to look back on it as a learning experience. I just can’t help but wonder what things would have been like if I had said no.”

  I think about what she’s saying and the situation I’m now in with J.

  Has he ever put pressure on me like Art did with Elle? No, he hasn’t. In fact, it always seems to be me putting the pressure on him. J always says I call the shots. I am the one who decides if he should stay or if he should go. He promised he would if I asked and that I would never have to see him again.

  That last thought makes me shudder. It scares me that I’m scared he’ll leave me. I shouldn’t want something that’s quite frankly unrealistic. What we have will never last, so why I am pushing this? Why is it that I am the one who’s always asking things of him instead of the other way around?

  I take her hand. “I think if you think too long and hard about something you did in the past, you’ll forget to live in the moment now.”

  Her eyes widen. “Wow, you really are getting quite poetic in your old age.” We start laughing together.

  “I guess I have my moments. I know you say you don’t regret your relationship with Art, but if you keep thinking about whether you were right or wrong to do this or that, then don’t you think that’s regretting in and of itself? You can’t undo your decision, so why dwell on it? The only thing you can do now is look towards the future. I hope it involves Paul, as I think you two look pretty cute together.” I think back on the last few weeks. Our parents only learned that they were together a couple of weeks ago. They are as happy with the match as much as everyone else is. I think my dad even said, “It’s about time,” when she told them. Elle said she was so nervous about revealing it to our parents, but I think they could see the match before either Elle or Paul could.

  Elle chuckles. “Yeah. He even said he would follow me wherever I go. He’s looking into finding a job in Accounting in New York now.”

  My eyes widen. “Really? Wow, that’s awesome, Elle!” I see her radiant smile, and in this moment, I know just how happy she is. It makes my heart swell for my big sister. I squeeze her hand. “I’m so happy for you.”

  She looks into my eyes, and I can see the hint of tears forming. “Thanks. I want the same for you too, Lily. I’m sure one day you’ll get your dream job and dream guy.”

  I smile, thinking about J again. He is never far from my thoughts. I know for sure that if Elle and my parents knew about this tattooed bad boy who has corrupted me—their sister and daughter respectively—in the most positively wicked ways, they wouldn’t have the same reaction as they did with Elle and Paul. I’m not sure if it’s just teenage rebellion or an unhealthy crush on my part, but I just can’t seem to help myself.

  I decide quickly to change the subject to avoid her asking questions about my prospective love life. “So, are you still going to live with your friend once you get to New York?” She looks away, biting her lip, so I know there’s something she’s not telling me. I nudge her. “You’re hiding something from me. What is it?”

  She looks back in my direction, and there’s guilt written all over her face. “Paul and I were discussing our move to New York. He asked me to let fate decide. If he can get a job offer within the next two weeks, then he wants us to move in together.”

  “Really? Wow, Elle, this is huge!”

  She nods in agreement. “I know.”

  “He doesn’t have a lot of time.”

  “I know, but he called me earlier to let me know he has an interview in three days. He’s going to fly out there tomorrow to get a feel for the place before his interview.”

  I look away for a moment, processing everything. It all just seems to be happening so fast. A few weeks ago, my sister was delving into her studies—not thinking about boys or even the prospect of boys. Now, she’s going off to New York to pursue her career with what looks like a serious boyfriend in tow. “Don’t make me an auntie too soon, okay?” I smile at her jokingly and she nudges me.

  “I know it seems fast, but I feel in my heart that it’s the right thing to do. Paul and I have known each other for years, so why not see how we do living together right off the bat? Dating each other and living in separate places only delays the inevitable. Besides, we’ll both have good jobs by then… If he gets this job that is. I’m with Paul on this. We’ll let fate decide.”

  I nod my head. “Okay. As long as you’re happy with that, then I’m behind you one hundred and ten percent.” She smiles, and I know that she’s happy before she even replies.

  “I am,” she says before completely turning her attention to me. “Enough about me. This is your night. You look stunning. When is Max coming to pick you up?”

  I look down at my watch and see I only have twenty minutes left. “Shit, he’s going to be here soon. I better get myself ready.”

  Elle quickly stands. “Okay, I’ll leave you to it… Unless, of course, you need me for anything?”

  I shake my head. “No, but thanks. I just need a touch-up and I’m done.”

  “Okay. I’ll see you downstairs in a few.” She shuts the door behind her, and I stand to inspect myself one more time. I decided to put on just a little light makeup today, since my face is going to be covered for most of the night. I’m not a big makeup person anyway. I just applied a dash of concealer, mascara, and a little blush to redden my cheeks, though J does this last one for me naturall
y. As I take in a deep breath to venture down the stairs, my phone pings. I rush over and light up my screen.

  J: You look magnificent.

  My head snaps up to my window. In a hurry, I look outside, and at first, there’s nothing. Then, in a flash, a figure appears from behind a tree. There he is, looking up at me with a silver venetian-style mask. He’s wearing a black suit to go with his equally black persona. He looks dark, sexy, and mysterious. It only makes me want to pull off his layers one by one until he’s bare before me. My God, he exceeds my expectations and then some. As I stare at him, he gives me a little wave, and my heart flutters with excitement. Suddenly, I know with certainty that I want him to be the one, and I want it to be tonight. There is no hesitation—no going back.

  I watch as he types something on his phone, and I’m rooted to the spot, fascinated by his every move. I don’t have a clue what he actually looks like, but every bit of him screams, “Look at me! Embrace me! And, listen to me!” My phone pings, and he looks up expectantly. I’m reluctant to move my head away because I’m so transfixed by him. In the end, I can’t help but wonder what he has to say. I look down.

  J: Save a dance for me, Beautiful.

  I smile at his message and look up to see him. He’s gone. Just like that, he’s disappeared again. My heart already aches for him.

  I don’t have much time to dwell on this as movement out of the corner of my eye alerts me to Max’s car coming down the street. I inhale a deep breath and gather my things. I don’t know why I’m so nervous. I guess it’s because this feels like a date when it’s not. I just hope Max can stick to his word and behave himself.

  Soon after, I hear the horn blowing, and I take that as my cue to get downstairs. My parents are gathered with Elle, and I have a flashback of when Elle had her prom. This is like a replica—only it’s me standing here, getting gawked at rather than Elle.

  “Sweetheart, you look amazing,” my dad chimes as I walk down the stairs. My mom’s just staring with a look of adoration on her face.

  The doorbell sounds, and my dad rushes to answer it. My mother also rushes away, but I don’t have time to follow where she’s gone as Max is standing in the doorway, staring at me with his mouth practically agape.

  “Close your mouth, son, or you’ll catch a fly.”

  “Dad,” I complain, rolling my eyes jokingly at Max. Max just smiles.

  “You look beautiful, Lily. Simply stunning.” He hands me a single red rose.

  “Thank you,” I say, taking it from his hand. I press it to my nose, sniffing it. I inhale its fresh smell. It’s so unlike the lily in many ways, but it’s equally beautiful. I place it in the vase on one of the center bookshelves and smile.

  “Pictures, pictures,” my mother screams, running towards us.

  Max and I stand together, and my mother goes crazy snapping one after the other. Once she’s finished, we all start getting in on the action. Pretty soon, I have my phone out and we’re taking selfies. I don’t mind all this because I know I will be looking back on this day and will want to see the pictures which captured all these moments. For a brief second, I think about what Christine said on the boat, but I decide not to dwell on that now as I know how much it pisses Max off. I can’t help but chuckle at the thought, though.

  “We’d better get going,” Max finally says, breaking our snapshot moment.

  I nod in agreement. “Okay. Let’s do this.” I smile at Max, and he, in turn, offers me his arm. Of course, he looks handsome tonight in his black suit. He doesn’t fill out the suit as well as J does, though.

  As we’re walking outside to the car, my mother suddenly starts screaming behind us. “Hold on. Wait!” I spin around to see her holding my mask. “You can’t forget this.”

  I take it from her and give her a big hug. “Where would I be without you? Thanks, Mom.”

  “You’re welcome, honey,” she says, pulling away. She looks at Max. “You take good care of her tonight, Max. She’s precious to me.”

  Max beams back. “Of course I will, Mrs. Campbell.”

  “How many times do I have to tell you to call me Grace?” She quickly turns to me. “You would think that after twelve years, he would have learned by now, wouldn’t you?” She squeezes my arm. “Have fun.” She practically skips away, allowing Max and I to get into the car. I watch my family as they watch me, and I can’t help but feel a little like I’m on display.

  “I meant what I said about how beautiful you look.”

  I turn to see Max smiling at me before he starts the car. “Thank you. You’re looking rather dapper yourself.” I chose “dapper” deliberately. If I say “handsome,” then he might think I’m becoming interested in him. It’s strange to have to watch my words around Max all of a sudden. It never used to be like this with him.

  He starts the car, and we both give a brief wave as we head off towards the school. “What did your parents think about you coming with me to the dance?”

  I study Max’s expression. It looks like he really wants me to answer. “I think they naturally assumed I would go with you anyway. We’ve known each other so long, and neither of us have actual partners to go with. It just seems like this is the way it should be.”

  “You know I would want to take you whether I had a girlfriend or not, right?”

  I frown a little. “I wouldn’t expect that of you. Besides, I think your girlfriend would have a right to be pissed off by that.”

  He starts laughing. “We’re talking like I have one. Would you be then?”

  “What?”

  “Pissed off if your boyfriend took his lifelong friend to a dance instead of you?”

  “When you put it like that, it does sound a little selfish, but I must admit that even if I said it was okay, I wouldn’t feel that it really was. I would resent wondering who would be taking me when it should have been him.”

  Max nods his head, but doesn’t take his eyes off the road. “What is it they say? Don’t put chicks before dicks—”

  “I think these circumstances are a little bit different,” I interrupt. “I am a chick, so that saying is really irrelevant.”

  “It’s the same concept, though. We are best friends, Lily. Shouldn’t we be putting each other first?”

  I nod. “I know what you mean, but I would understand if either of us had a boyfriend or girlfriend that he or she would have the right to be pissed if we decided to go with each other instead. These sorts of events are more like dates, so it would be inappropriate to take your best friend over your girlfriend and the same would be true for me if I had a boyfriend.”

  Max starts frowning. “So, you wouldn’t put me before a new boyfriend if you had one?”

  I sigh, getting frustrated. We’re not even there, and already I can feel an argument starting. “That’s not what I’m saying. You’re putting words in my mouth. We don’t even have other partners to worry about, so why are we arguing?”

  I see his shoulders tense as he squeezes the steering wheel. “We’re not arguing. I just wanted to know.”

  After that we both fall silent, and I’m relieved. I want to go home already, and the night hasn’t even begun yet. I’m not sure what’s wrong with Max. When he picked me up, everything was fine, but now there’s an awkward atmosphere and I hate it.

  Once we get to the parking lot, Max gets out without a word. I open my door and he rushes over. I thank him. At least he hasn’t lost his chivalry.

  “Lily!”

  I’d recognize that voice anywhere. I turn with a smile and see Christine walking towards me in her dress. She looks even more stunning in it now. “Wow, look at you!” She comes in for a hug, and I notice in the corner of my eye Max and Tyler fist bumping.

  “We’re lucky to have such beautiful ladies on our arms this evening.” Tyler smiles, and Christine rolls her eyes at me.

  She leans in to whisper. “He’s trying to get in my panties.”

  I start giggling. “Is it working?”

  “That, my frien
d, remains to be seen.”

  “Are we ready to go in now?” I turn to Max and see his impatience. Maybe he wants to get in so he has an excuse to get away from me. I don’t mind so much if that’s the case. I feel the need to have some distance myself.

  One by one, we all walk in and have our pictures taken. I try my best to smile, but a part of me resents Max for making this evening harder than necessary. “Do you want a drink?” he asks curtly.

  “Yes, please.” I don’t really want a drink, but it’s an excuse to have some breathing space.

  “What’s his problem?” Christine asks as we watch both Max and Tyler walk to the drinks table.

  “We had a little falling out on the way here. Nothing major, but I’m a little pissed that Max always wants to put barriers up where they shouldn’t be. I really don’t know what’s gotten into him lately.” We both watch as Tyler says something to Max and they both laugh. At least he’s not taking our argument out on Tyler anyway.

  “That boy’s been in love with you ever since you were small. You can hardly blame the poor guy. At the same time, though, I understand he needs to back off when it comes to thinking that anything other than friendship can happen between the two of you.”

  I look at Christine in shock. “Are you telling me you’re finally accepting that now?” I smile at her and she nudges me.

  “I see the way you are lately. You’re hung up on Mr. Mysterious. Speaking of which, have you heard from him lately?”

  “We still send messages to each other. I believe I may see him tonight.”