SCARS

by Jaimie Roberts

  Something grabs me, yanking at me, but my head hits the car door on the way up…

  And my world turns black.

  “This wasn’t what we planned for, Jarrod. What were you thinking?”

  Who is that talking? Where am I? Am I dead? What’s going on?

  “What was I supposed to do? Just leave her there to die?”

  “No, of course not, but this complicates things now. This whole ballgame has changed. What are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know, but I’m not leaving her. She needs me now even more than I need her, but she’s not going to realize it at first. I need to get her to trust me.”

  J? Is that really J’s voice? Who is he speaking with? It sounds like…

  My world goes black again.

  I don’t know how long it is that I’m out for, but when I come to, my head is pounding and my body aches. I feel like I’ve been beaten all over.

  Have I been run over by a car? What’s happening? Where am I?

  I try opening my eyes, but at first, they’re not cooperating. I try again, blinking, as the light of day shines throughout the room, illuminating the plain white walls.

  Am I in a hospital? What’s going on?

  I’m trying to remember. I know something bad happened, but at the moment, I can’t remember what. After I blink my eyes a few more times, I look around me to find that I’m lying in a big bed in a very plain room with only a white sheet covering me. I pull it away and find I have bandages wrapped around my left leg and bruises covering nearly the entire length of my body.

  What happened to me?

  I try to push myself up, but I feel pain in both my arms and my head. I moan a little, trying to compose myself. I need to see where I am.

  I take a couple of deep breaths, and on my last exhale, my eyes land on a dresser near the door. On top is a little paper cup with a lily inside it. I start to panic. “Mom, Dad?” I shout, hoping someone will come to me.

  I jump as the crackling sound of a speaker’s static reverberates around the room. “It’s okay, Lily. There’s no need to panic. You’re safe now.”

  I start shaking my head.

  What’s going on?

  “I don’t understand. Where am I?”

  “You don’t remember what happened?”

  I’m confused. I recognize that voice from somewhere, but at the moment, I’m drawing a blank. I look to the lily again, and suddenly, I’m frozen. “J?” I ask, hoping it’s him.

  “That’s right. Everything is okay. You’re safe now.”

  I frown and start to get agitated. “You said that already. What am I doing here?” The pain in my head hits me, so I place my hand on my head. “Ouch,” I complain.

  “Look to your left. There are some painkillers for you and some water. You should take them. You’ll feel better.”

  I look to my left and find a paper cup of water and two white tablets sitting next to it. “How do I know they’re painkillers? They could be anything.”

  “I told you I would never hurt you. I promised you that. I have been—and still am—taking care of you. If you want to continue being in pain, then that’s up to you, but the tablets are there solely to help you get better.”

  I sigh, picking up the tablets. My head is hurting too much to argue. I take the pills and swallow them with a big gulp of water, but my throat protests. It’s like it’s on fire. Why does my throat hurt so much?

  “You’ve been out for a couple of days. You’ll feel sore all over for a while. I’ve taken good care of you, though. I promise you’ll feel a lot better with a couple more days of rest. Do you need anything? Can I get you some food?”

  I shake my head, trying to gather my thoughts. They’re all over the place right now. At the moment, however, I have only one dire need. “I need a bathroom.” I scoot my legs over the bed in an attempt to get up.

  “Okay, but be very careful. Your legs may feel a little wobbly when you stand. The bathroom is to your right.” I look behind me and see the door.

  “Where am I?”

  “Somewhere safe. That’s all you need to know for now.”

  “What happened to me?”

  “Go take care of things first, and then we’ll talk.”

  I do as instructed, being careful as I raise myself up just in case I fall back down. I’m shaky, but I make it to my feet, and wobbling, I put one foot in front of the other. I ache, but the ache to relieve myself is greater. I make my way slowly towards the bathroom door. I open it, and I see that to the left is a shower, and off to the right, I find a sink with a toothbrush and toothpaste. Next to that is the toilet. I wobble towards it, do what I need to, flush, and stand to brush my teeth. There’s no mirror. Why is there no mirror? I don’t dwell on it much. Instead, I grab the toothbrush and start brushing my teeth. I instantly feel a lot better. If I could shower, then I’m sure I would feel even better, but I ache too much to continue standing. I find I already need to sit down.

  I rinse my mouth and shakily make my way back to my bed. Once there, I breathe an instant sigh of relief. “Feel better?” he asks over the speaker. I look up and confirm that there is, indeed, a speaker in the corner of my room.

  “Why are you speaking to me through that?” I point, but I can’t tell whether or not he can see me.

  Are there cameras in here?

  “It’s better if it stays this way.”

  “Why?” I ask more forcefully. “Why do this? Why am I here?”

  I hear him sigh over the speaker. He sounds upset about something. “You were in an accident, Lily. Don’t you remember? The car crash?”

  I frown, trying to wrap my head around what happened. My head still hurts, but the pain is starting to ease already. I also feel tired. So, so tired. I grip my head in my hands. “I can’t—” and then, it hits me. “Elle? Oh my God, Elle! Where’s Elle?! Where are my mom and dad?!”

  “I’m so sorry, Lily.”

  I start sobbing as all of the memories flood back. We were in the car on the way to Montana. We crashed and toppled over the bridge. I clutch my chest as a wracking sob rips through me. Visions of Elle with the glass stuck in her eye follow unmercifully. “They’re dead? They’re all dead?” I ask.

  “I’m so sorry,” he says again as I fall onto the bed and cry until my body aches. I cry until I can’t produce anymore tears. I cry until my body is exhausted.

  “No,” I utter in a whimper. “No,” I say again as my body jerks from the pain. I can’t seem to focus. My mind is scrambled from the thoughts and memories flooding in all at once. I don’t know what’s happening to me, but right now, I don’t care. My entire family is gone. Only I am left.

  Why me?

  That is the last thought which runs through my head as I fall back into darkness.

  I wake again, but this time, it’s dark. I have the faint glow of a lamp next to me and some more tablets and water. My throat aches again, and so does my head, but it’s not throbbing as much as it was earlier. I say earlier, because I have no concept of time. All I know is that I woke when it was light, and now it’s dark. He said I have been here for three days, so I’m assuming tomorrow is day four, but it would be nice to know for sure.

  I look down at myself. I’m under the sheet again, but I’m wearing a new nightdress. Someone obviously keeps coming in to take care of me, but I don’t remember a thing. As I sit up, the smell of food hits me. “Eat,” the voice over the speaker says. “You won’t be able to get better unless you eat.”

  As I sit myself up, I close my eyes and shake my head. “Why should I? I have nothing and nobody left.”

  “Don’t say that. You have me, and I’ll take care of you. I promise.”

  I wave my hands around the room. “How is this taking care of me? I’m trapped in this room. What am I doing here anyway?”

  “I told you. I’m making sure you’re safe.”

  I shake my head. “I don’t understand. How does keeping me prisoner make me safe?”

  “Y
ou won’t understand it now, but you will eventually. First things first—you need to get better.”

  “Why can’t I see you?”

  “I think it’s better that things stay this way.”

  “Why? Why can’t you come to me? It never stopped you before.”

  “I need you to trust me.”

  I frown, confusion setting in. “I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

  I can feel the frustration chafing at me. “Why are you doing this? How did I get here?”

  “I pulled you from the car. I was a little too forceful because I was trying so desperately to get you out of the water before you drowned. I hit your head, so I’m sorry about that.”

  I try to think back to the accident and remember being yanked up. “That was you?”

  “Yes. I wasn’t going to just watch you die.”

  “But you let my entire family die? How could you?”

  “I know you’re angry, but all I can say for now is that I did what I could. If there was anything more I could have done, I would have done it. I promise you that.”

  “My sister… I was pulling her. You could have gotten her out.”

  “She couldn’t be saved. She had sustained a severe injury to her eye that penetrated the bone. She would have been dead on impact.”

  I shake as I think back to that day. I saw the glass through her eye, but thought she could still be saved. “No! No, I don’t believe you. She was happy. She was going to start a new job. She had fallen in love. I can’t… I just can’t.”

  “I know, Lily. I’m so sorry, but there was nothing you or I could have done.” I start sobbing again. My whole family is gone—wiped out within the blink of an eye.

  “Why? Why are you doing this to me? Why me?” I wipe my tears away in defiance. I don’t want him to see my weakness. I don’t want him to see my suffering.

  “Because you are who you are. It’s not your fault. It just is what it is.”

  I shake my head in confusion. “What is that supposed to mean? You speak in riddles. Nothing but fucking riddles.”

  “You sound angry.”

  I grab my hair in my hands and grip it tightly.

  What does he expect?

  “Of course I’m fucking angry. My whole family has died and you’ve… You’ve taken me. I am a prisoner in this room. Where am I anyway?” I get up and march as gracefully as possible to the window. My body still aches, and my head still pounds, but I keep going. Once at the window, I part the curtain, and all I see in the darkness are trees. Nothing but trees. I try to open the lock, but it’s jammed.

  “You’re not getting out, so you may as well stop trying.” My shoulders sag when I realize he’s right. It’s airtight. “Eat something. You must be hungry.” I turn, making my way over to the tray of food on the dresser. Beside it is the same lily that I saw earlier today. At least, I think it’s the same one. “I brought you pizza. I know you like pepperoni.” His words hit me like a ton of bricks. Of course he knows. He’s been stalking me for the last eight months. “What’s wrong?”

  I don’t look up at first. Instead, I let a single tear drop down my face. I watch as it falls to the blue carpeted floor beneath me, turning the light blue a darker shade as it’s coated with my tear. “You know everything about me. I know nothing about you. I let you stalk me. I let you near me.” I finally look up. “I let you touch me.”

  “That’s because you knew.”

  “Knew what?”

  “That it was meant to be. That I was meant to do all of those things. You need me, and I need to make sure that nothing hurts you.”

  “You’re hurting me.”

  “You may feel that way now, but you will find out soon enough that that’s not the case.”

  “What in the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “I can’t tell you. Not now anyway. Soon, you will know, and soon, you will know why I had to keep you here and why I had to keep from telling you the truth.”

  “The truth about what?”

  “Your family.”

  “My family? What are you talking about? My family is dead. Whatever you need to say, you can certainly say it now.”

  He goes silent for a moment, and I wonder if he’s gone, but then I hear his breath over the speaker. “I’ve said too much. Eat, Lily. You look pale.” He clicks off, and I know that he’s gone. I sigh, looking at the pizza, and my stomach rumbles in protest. I don’t want to eat, but at the same time, I feel almost nauseated by the thought of not eating. It’s such a strange feeling to have.

  I pick up the plate with the two slices and take it to my bed. I eat cautiously at first, but then the hunger sets in as I take my first two bites, and then I begin to eat with relish. I finish the two slices within seconds. I have never eaten so quickly before. My mother always told me never to eat my food too fast. “It will give you indigestion. Besides,” she would say, “you need to appreciate the food you’re eating. Place one forkful in your mouth and chew it slowly. Let your taste buds go to work, so you can savor each bite and cherish the moment before it slides down your throat and disappears.” My shoulders sag again, and before I realize it, I’m crying.

  Mom, if only you were here right now. I would give anything to hear you tell me off for eating my food too quickly.

  I push the plate aside and look at the water on top of the nightstand. I place it to my lips and notice it’s cooler than it should be. Maybe he put ice in it this time. I grab the tablets he left and place them in my mouth. Last time, they made me sleep. I want to sleep now, so I won’t have to think about all that I have lost. My head aches anyway. That’s the excuse I give myself.

  I down the pills, curl up into a ball, and wait for the darkness to come. For some reason, I don’t have long to wait.

  Jarrod Walker

  “What are you doing here?” I watch as Charlotte brushes past me with a Burger King bag.

  “I figured you’d be hungry. Despite the fact that I think you’re completely fucking bonkers, I still love you, and I still care about your well-being.” She stands on tiptoes, looking over my shoulder to glance at the TV monitor. “How is she?”

  “She’s as expected. In pain physically, but healing. I will re-dress her leg soon—once I know she’s really in a deep sleep.” I sigh and sit down. “It’s the emotional pain that she won’t get over in a hurry.” I hear rustling, and then the smell of the burgers hits me. I have been so consumed by taking care of Lily that I haven’t been taking care of myself.

  Charlotte sits next to me and hands me a burger. I take it and begin to eat. “Why don’t you just tell her? She’s going to find out eventually anyway.”

  I shake my head. “I know what I’m doing.” At least, I think I do. “If I let her go now—in the state she’s in—she will be vulnerable. Besides, I need to build that trust up with her again.”

  Charlotte’s eyes widen. “How? By keeping her locked up in a room by herself?”

  “We were planning on doing that anyway.”

  “Yes, but that was before we knew what was really going on. Now that we know, it changes things. She’s a victim in all of this just as much as we are.”

  “Wow, you’ve certainly changed your tune.” I take a bite of my burger and watch her as she sighs.

  “I know, I just … I don’t know what the fuck to think anymore. Before, I knew. Before, I was just consumed with hatred and vengeance. Now, all the lines are blurry. I just don’t know what to think anymore.”

  I grab her hand. “The lines are not blurry. We can still get our revenge, but we will have to think about another plan.”

  “But what about her?” she asks, pointing at Lily. I look and see she’s lying just as she was when she first fell asleep. All curled up into a tight ball. She looks so vulnerable now … so lost. The plan has changed. Now, I have to do everything in my power to keep her safe.

  “She won’t believe me if I tell her now. She’s raw and hurting because she’s lost her family. I need to rega
in her trust. I need her to know that everything I do here, I’m doing for her.”

  Charlotte shakes her head. “I still don’t understand how keeping her locked up without company does that. Why don’t you go to her?”

  I shake my head. “I can’t.”

  “Why? Won’t she hate you if you don’t?”

  A part of the reason for not going to her is I know I will break. I can’t let her see my weakness for her. She may use it to her advantage. But the biggest reason why I won’t is because I’ve lived through what she’s going through. I was put in solitary confinement for beating Tony—the top dog—almost to death. I didn’t mean to go as far as I did, but my rage took over. He went to the hospital, survived, and didn’t want to press charges. I, in turn, was kept in solitary confinement for two weeks as punishment. I wasn’t supposed to be there that long, but they bent the rules, just like anyone in power does. While I was in there, I had a glimpse of what true loneliness felt like. After only six days, I craved contact with someone … anyone. I would have given anything to have someone there with me. All I had were four walls, a bed, and a toilet. I wasn’t allowed to wash, so after those two weeks, I stank like fuck. The only grace I had was that I was fed three times a day. Those times were the only chances I had to know what time of day it was. There were no windows for me to see the daylight or the moon high in the sky. I was completely on my own, completely lost, and completely driven insane by the loss of contact.