All That's Been Said

by Doherty, Emma

  I nod. “And he’s dealing with all this crap in his head, probably really stressed out and tearing himself up about it, and then he says a couple of stupid things about me, likely because he’s shit scared that he’s gay and is trying to prove he’s not, and then you go mental and try to kick his arse in front of the whole school whilst a bunch of his friends watch.”

  Ethan goes pale, and I know he feels bad now that he knows the whole picture. Knowing his friend is going through something like that and he might have somehow made life even tougher for him is clearly upsetting him.

  “And because everyone in that dumb school bows down and worships you, they’re probably all ignoring him and giving him the cold shoulder too. So, not only is he dealing with his sexuality, he’s probably feeling really alone and like he could lose his friends too.”

  Ethan sighs. “I didn’t know.”

  “I know, but now you do and we have to fix it.”

  “Did he tell you this?”

  “No, but I figured it out a while ago.” He raises an eyebrow in question. “That time when you guys were all in the kitchen and I came down in my underwear?” He grimaces at the memory. “Well he didn’t stare at me. Barely even glanced at me, to be honest. I dunno, after that I started paying more attention. He’s never with a girl, he changes the subject every time you guys talk about girls liking him, he never joins in when you’re talking about girls—I just figured it out.”

  “Wow.” Ethan runs his hand over his face. “He must have been going through hell. His parents are really religious. They’ll kill him if they find out. Some of the guys on the team…” He trails off. He doesn’t have to say it. There are definitely some homophobic people in this town.

  “Exactly, and you going off at him today will only have made it worse.”

  He looks alarmed, like he’s just realised how much damage their fight might have done Matty, how most people will have taken Ethan’s side because of what Matty said about me. “What am I going to do?”

  I reach into my pocket and pull out my phone. It’s almost lunch time. “We’re going back to school.”

  He doesn’t argue with me, just jumps into the driver’s seat as I slide into the car and drives us straight back to school as fast as he can. We arrive as the bell for lunch goes, and we jump out and head inside. We’re both accosted almost immediately by people Ethan knows, them all rallying around him, slapping him on the back for protecting his sister, but Ethan just brushes them off and follows me to the cafeteria. We enter through the main entrance and find that it’s already heaving.

  I glance around, noticing that a hush has fallen at the sight of Ethan, but I ignore it and scan the crowd, looking to see if Matty is here. I eventually spot him just coming out of the line, his head down. He glances over at his usual table, the one he’s probably sat at for his whole high school career, but quickly looks away. I look at the table and see it’s already mostly full. They’re looking over at Matty, the hostility clear in their eyes as he goes and sits at an empty table by himself.

  My heart breaks for him. He doesn’t even want to try sitting with them. He’s so convinced he wouldn’t be welcome, and his opinion on himself must be so low right now with everything he’s going through that he thinks people he’s been friends with his whole life wouldn’t even want to talk to him after a couple of shitty comments.

  “Shit,” I hear Ethan mutter, and when I glance at him, I see his eyes following Matty too. This is the trouble with popularity—it can benefit you when you want to humiliate food-throwing jocks, but when you accidentally use it against one of your best friends, it can end with a very lonely, very scared friend.

  “Come on,” I tell him, and for the first time since I got to this school, we step into the cafeteria together and head towards the food line. He follows me as we both grab trays and load them up. I don’t even pay attention to what I’m grabbing. It’s not about the food; I have no intention of eating it. I just need this to look as normal and as casual as possible. Ethan follows my lead and fills his tray, dropping it down next to mine at the cashier and paying for both of them. My gaze finds his and I indicate that he should go first; he picks up his tray and takes the lead as I follow. It needs to be Ethan who approaches Matty first. It’ll have more impact if it’s him. Ethan doesn’t hesitate. He strides forwards, deliberately walking past his usual table so they notice him and then walking directly up to Matty’s empty table. He places his tray down across from him as the cafeteria falls silent around us.

  Matty looks up warily, clearly expecting a repeat performance of earlier. He eyes Ethan for a second before glancing at me. “Look, Ethan—”

  “Sorry I was such a dick earlier,” Ethan says, cutting him off as he pulls out the chair and sits down. “I must be PMSing or something.”

  I smirk as Matty’s mouth falls open in surprise. Clearly he wasn’t expecting that. He glances at me and I smile at him, placing my tray next to Ethan’s and sitting down beside him. I wink in his direction. “Hey Matty, all you had to do was ask,” I tell him, popping a fry into my mouth. “Any. Time.”

  His mouth gapes open as I glance back at Ethan’s usual table; they definitely heard us. They’re looking at us in shock, like we’re aliens or something and this particular scene should not be happening. Can’t say I blame them. This is the polar opposite of what they saw only an hour ago. Finn and Logan walk into the cafeteria and their eyes immediately fall on us. Surprise crosses their face before it’s replaced with anger on Finn’s and relief on Logan’s.

  Ethan glances up too and spots them in the doorway. He nods in their direction as they make their way over to the table. Logan immediately drops his bag down next to Matty whilst Finn steps back, his eyes narrowed on Ethan. Ethan waves his arm around, gesturing to all of us. “Wanna come back to mine after practice and watch movies? Maria promised me she’d cook enchiladas.”

  “Sounds good,” Logan immediately says, his desperation for things to return to normal clear to see.

  Finn shakes his head. “Carlington, the shit he said—”

  I cut him off. “It’s fine. Forget it.”

  Finn’s eyes flash to mine. They narrow slightly when I don’t waver, and he turns back to Ethan. “Are you being serious right now?”

  Ethan nods. “It’s been dealt with. Now stop being a douche and sit down.” When Finn makes no move to do either, Ethan rolls his eyes. “Or don’t. Whatever.”

  Finn’s eyes cut back to me just as Matty clears his throat. “I really am sorry,” he tells me, his eyes sincere. “I shouldn’t have said it. I didn’t mean it.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” Ethan says immediately. “It’s forgotten.”

  “I’ll never say anything like that again.”

  Ethan nods and glances around, realising he still has an audience. “I know no one will say anything like that about my sister again.” I roll my eyes at his macho attempt but then his voice softens. “We’re good, Matty. We’re friends, it’s cool.”

  People around us start returning back to their own conversations, realising there’s no drama here.

  Matty turns to me. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s fine,” I tell him. “Really.”

  Matty looks back at Ethan, who grins at him. “We’re friends. Nothing’s changed, and nothing will change that.” He says the last sentence with meaning, trying to tell him he’ll be there for him no matter if he’s gay or not.

  Matty closes his eyes for a second, and I think he understands what Ethan’s saying. My heart aches for him, for the relief I see there and the hell he must be going through right now as he tries to figure out his life and how to make sense of his sexuality. Finn lets out a disgusted noise and stalks away to the food line, but I know he’ll come back. He might not understand why Ethan is being like this, but he trusts him and knows there must be a reason behind it. Matty will tell him in his own time, when he’s ready, and until then, Finn Sullivan can just deal with it.

  “I’m out,
” I tell them, standing up. My work here is done.

  Ethan glances over at me. “Biz,” he hesitates, his eyes glancing away for a second before coming back to me. “Thank you…for before.”

  I nod. It’s on the tip of my tongue to go back to the conversation we had in his truck, where he said he knows I don’t give a crap about him. I know he still thinks what he thought weeks ago when he first found out about Craig McGarretty, still thinks I can’t stand him and I’m completely indifferent to him, and I want to correct him. I very nearly do, but then more trays are placed on the table around me as the rest of their friends join them, and I back away.

  It doesn’t matter. He probably wouldn’t believe me anyway.

  The day finally draws to an end, and I’m exiting my English class whilst fighting back a yawn. This whole attending school properly thing is way more work than I thought it would be.

  I take a right and head down the hallway, and a throat is cleared behind me. I turn to see Matty stood there against some lockers. He doesn’t have his usual swagger; he still looks pale and is clearly nervous.

  I stop in front of him.

  “About what happened before, whatever you said to Ethan…thank you.”

  “You want to bang me so hard my brains come out through my nose?”

  He winces as I raise an eyebrow at him.

  “There were more, weren’t there? Should I repeat them too?” I could do too, because Ethan wasn’t lying; the comments got more and more nasty as Matty went on. I know because Evie was telling Lila outside my chemistry class loudly enough for everyone in a five-mile radius to hear.

  He’s scarlet red, embarrassment seeping out of every pore. I smirk. He should be embarrassed; his words were crude and vulgar.

  “I’m so sorry,” he tells me quietly. “I should never have said those things.”

  “You think?”

  “I deserved the ass-kicking Ethan gave me.”

  I tilt my head to the side and look at him, this boy who looks like the perfect all-American teenager: dimples in his cheeks, perfectly neat haircut, navy letterman jacket he never takes off and which I’ve only just realised he wears like armour. A wave of sadness engulfs me when I see the despair in his brown eyes. How horrible to feel like you can’t be yourself.

  “I’m really sorry, Izzy.”

  “It’s okay, I’m messing with you. Forget about it.”

  “Thank you,” he tells me. “For whatever you said to him. I appreciate it, and I don’t want to lose him as a friend.”

  “He’s still your friend, Matty, no matter what.”

  He swallows hard, and just for a second, I see the emotion behind his eyes, the emotion he tries to keep covered.

  He doesn’t say anything for nearly a minute, staring at the ground, and I can almost see the internal battle he’s fighting right now. He knows once he says the words, he can’t take them back. I have a feeling he’s never told anyone this before.

  He glances around and sees people ambling past us, on the way to their afternoon activities or heading outside. “Can we go in there?” He gestures to an empty classroom across the hall.

  I nod and follow him, noting when he closes the door behind us and slumps down into a desk. It’s strange seeing this confident, friendly boy like this, seeing his mask slip.

  “You know, don’t you?”

  I press my lips together, taking him in. He looks like he’s ready to cry. “I have an idea.”

  He swallows back a sob, and I step towards him and pull a chair up next to him.

  “I tried not to be like this,” he utters, his voice shaking. “I tried really hard not to feel like this.”

  I want to burst into tears for him. How utterly awful to be so scared of being yourself that you try desperately to change. I reach out and pull him into a hug, trying to let him know I’m here and he’s not alone.

  After a minute he pulls back and wipes away the errant tear that’s running down his cheek.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. You have nothing to apologize for.”

  He lets out a long sigh. “I shouldn’t have said that stuff about you. I’m sorry. I just panicked.”

  I don’t say anything, just wait for him to control himself and see if he wants to carry on the story.

  “I was in the locker room after gym yesterday and everyone was getting changed. I dunno, Ethan was getting changed in front of me, and I guess I was looking at his ass. I wasn’t even looking, you know? I was just lost in my own head and wasn’t paying attention, but then Logan made some stupid joke about me checking him out and I freaked out. Like, no one else even cared—they knew he was joking, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it all day, worried maybe people would think I had been looking at him and would know I’m gay.”

  He shakes his head at the memory.

  “I’ve been so stressed since then and so scared that maybe I wasn’t hiding it as well as I thought, and then…after third period I saw Logan and a bunch of others and I just started talking about you, thinking I could prove I wasn’t gay by sounding like a total jackass. I didn’t know Ethan was behind me. I totally deserved him going off on me. I’ve never said anything like that before in my life. The stuff I said was so out of line.”

  It was, but we all do stupid stuff when we’re hurting. I know that better than anyone.

  “Forget about it. I don’t care.”

  “I think that’s why none of the guys stepped in. I mean, I know Ethan is popular and all, but those guys are my friends too. Still, they knew I deserved whatever he was throwing at me. You don’t talk about someone’s sister like that.”

  “Honestly, Matty, stop beating yourself up. I really don’t care.”

  He sends me a small smile. “Thanks, even if I don’t deserve it.”

  “How long have you known for?”

  He hesitates. “That I’m gay?”

  I nod.

  A look passes over his face, and I have a feeling this is the first time he’s ever confirmed it out loud to somebody. “Did you tell Ethan?”

  I hesitate, and his face crumples.

  “Hey.” I reach out and grip his arm, forcing him to turn to face me. “Don’t worry about it. I know he plays the perfect Texan boy, but he’s half my mum too. He doesn’t care.” His eyes find mine, and I can tell he’s wary but wants to believe me. “I mean it,” I tell him. “Our mum’s best friend is gay. We’ve known him our whole lives and Ethan is closer to him than he is to our dad. It doesn’t matter to him. I promise you.”

  “Is he going to tell anyone?”

  I shake my head. “No, he wouldn’t do that. He would never betray you like that. You’re one of his best friends.” A look of disbelief crosses his face and I reach out to grip his hand. “I mean it. He’s just worried about you now, upset that you couldn’t tell him about it.”

  “Do you know why I couldn’t?”

  I shrug. I wish I didn’t know. I wish I didn’t know how hard it would be for him to come out here.

  “This kid came out a couple of years ago and…it was pretty bad. People wouldn’t get changed in the locker room if he was there.”

  I close my eyes. I’m horrified. There are gay kids in this school—I’ve seen them with my own eyes—and I remember how some dickheads shout things at them and single them out. I can see why Matty doesn’t want to make himself a bullseye.

  “It wouldn’t be like that for you.”

  “Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t want to take the risk.”

  “Ethan, Finn, Logan—they wouldn’t let anyone do anything to you.”

  “No, but they can’t control what everyone thinks. I don’t want people’s opinion of me to change just because of this one thing.”

  I understand. I understand completely that he doesn’t want this one aspect of himself to define who he is and change the way others view him.

  “Is there somebody you’re interested in?” I ask. “Is there someone who has made you realise you feel like this?�
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  His whole body stiffens and I know it’s true, no matter what he says next. “I don’t know.”

  Those three little words break my heart. How terrible to be so confused and heartbroken over something like this, to think your thoughts and feelings are wrong and unnatural. My heart breaks for him that he can’t even admit he might like someone.

  “There’s nothing wrong with it, you know?” I tell him earnestly, gripping his shoulder and looking into his eyes. I need him to hear this. “It doesn’t change who you are or what you represent. It doesn’t make you any different to anyone else. You’re still you.”

  A tear drips down his face. “I can’t tell anyone.”

  “You will,” I tell him. “When you’re ready and feel like you can, you will tell people.”

  He shakes his head. “If my parents knew…”

  “Your parents love you,” I tell him, hoping with all my heart that it’s true. “That’s not going to change. Being gay doesn’t change you, Matty. It doesn’t change the person you are.”

  He shakes his head. “If people found out…if people on the team knew or you guys told someone…”

  “Hey,” I say sharply, bringing his attention back to me. “We won’t tell anyone. It’s your business and yours alone.”

  He nods. “I know you guys won’t.”

  He knows, but it doesn’t make it any easier knowing his whole world could blow up with the slip of a tongue.

  I reach out and grip his shoulders, pulling him closer to me and staring into his eyes. “It’s not like this everywhere,” I tell him. “I promise you there are places where no one gives a crap about someone being gay. I went to school with kids who have been out since they were ten, and no one cares. I promise you it will get better, Matty. I promise you.”

  He nods his head slightly, but I know right now he doesn’t believe me. Right now he can’t see past this town and his parents and his football team, and right now the future seems pretty dire.

  There’s a knock on my bedroom door and Maria sticks her head into the room.

  “Hola Izzy.”