by Lori L. Otto
I pull my hands from his tight grasp and lightly scrape my nails down his back, feeling a light sheen of sweat on his body. His thumbs rub my temples as his fingers tug my hair gently. I grab his hips, pulling him to me with all of my strength, my nails digging into his skin.
“I love you,” he whispers in my ear before tracing the shell of it with his tongue. He knows this drives me crazy.
“Oh, god... faster,” I beg him. His pace quickens at my request, and the new sensation begins to build deep within me. “Oh, f...” My heavy breathing steals my words. The feeling is... whole, warm, encompasses every part of me in ways I never knew were possible. “I think I’m coming,” I manage to tell him.
“I know you are,” he exhales back in my ear. “I can feel you. Oh, god, it’s so...” I can hear the smile in his sultry voice as he brings me closer.
“Come with me.” He lifts his head and watches me as my eyes plead with his. “Jack,” I gasp, beginning to lose myself in him.
“Emi,” he answers, this word– my name– shrouded by his desire for me, “I am.” And in no time, I know he is. I can feel him. I can feel him, his shuddering movements only heightening the surge I’m already experiencing, taking in my own pleasure wholly, fully, the feeling inside growing even more intense as I realize I’m giving the same gratification to him.
The sensation is almost too intense, too potent. It’s more than I’ve ever known. In that moment, everything goes dark as I envision small points of the most beautiful light gently pricking at my skin, trying to escape, the pent-up energy finally getting its release.
The need to yell one or two or a thousand profanities takes over, but all I can do is take his head in my hands and pull his mouth to mine, delivering long, full kisses, stifling every sound but the desperate moans that neither of us can hide from one another.
When I finally open my eyes again– or maybe when my vision is finally restored, I’m not sure– I notice him watching me, the lids of his heavy eyes obscuring part of the beautiful blue I’m used to staring into. I feel my cheeks heat with a blush.
We finally separate, both of us gasping for air, but our gaze continues. We smile together before he leans in for another kiss. “That may have been the most beautiful thing I have ever seen,” he says. I blush harder, tucking my head into the crook of his neck. “Don’t hide.” He guides my head back to the bed to look at me once more.
He slowly pulls back to grab another pillow off the floor and helps to put it under my head.
“Are you okay?” he asks, his hands smoothing my hair, his body settling back onto mine, exactly where I want him.
I nod quickly, still bewildered.
“Can you speak?” he laughs.
I nod again, but don’t really register what he’s said.
He laughs at my response. “Then tell me, how do you feel?”
I open my mouth to tell him, but words fail me. I just shake my head before smiling and shrugging my shoulders, my face heating up again.
“Nothing?”
“I–” How can I tell him that I am unfamiliar with any vocabulary words that accurately describe what just happened? Any words I tell him will come across as less than what I want them to mean. “Everything!” I gush unexpectedly.
“Everything?” he asks confused.
“I don’t know what to say,” I admit. “I guess, like... imagine every good feeling there is...”
“Okay...”
“Starting with, I don’t know, contentedness and going up to, say, pure bliss... and then think of everything in between.”
“Got it.” He kisses me gently.
“No, so it was, like, all of those things happening at once– with rainbows and unicorns... and whipped cream... and a cherry on top.”
“Rainbows and unicorns, huh?” He laughs at my completely inadequate description. “Definitely better than nothing...”
“Everything,” I reiterate. “I don’t think you understand. I don’t think I can sufficiently communicate what I just experienced, Jack. Obviously...”
“Oh, come on...” he urges.
“Really!”
“Alright, on a scale from one to–”
“Eleven!” I exclaim, pushing on his chest playfully.
“Yikes,” he smiles. “That sets the bar pretty high for our future...”
“It was off the charts,” I whisper to him seriously. “If it’s like this all the time, you will never get rid of me.”
“Was there any threat of that?”
“Absolutely not, Jack. I’m here to stay. Always.”
“Good,” he answers. “Because I’m yours. Always.” He kisses me before rolling beside me, sharing the pillow with me. He moves one leg and one arm across my body, a possessive posture. And I’m yours. He kisses my temple before I turn my head so our lips can meet again.
“You didn’t tell me how you feel,” I mention to him softly.
“Mmmmm...” he hums contemplatively. “You know how you were worried about the presents you bought me?”
“Yeah...”
“Rest assured, my love, that this was the best gift anyone has ever given me. Ever. It wasn’t just sexually satisfying,” he begins, planting another tender kiss on my nose. “It was that, but it was far beyond satisfying... and it was precious, and surprising, and passionate, and generous... it was all the things that you are to me.
“And I’m fairly certain the memories that I’ll have from this night alone could carry me through the rest of my life. Of course, I hope they won’t have to...”
“They won’t,” I assure him.
“But I will treasure this night forever, Emi, and I will do everything in my power to always preserve and nurture what we have. I don’t think this is common. It’s not normal. What we have is something exceptional.”
I roll over on the bed and press my back into his chest. He pulls me closer, and I take his hand in mine, kissing it softly.
Two tears fall quickly on the pillow, and I swallow hard, not wanting Jack to hear the sadness in my voice.
“It is.”
He kisses my shoulder and pulls the comforter over us as my thoughts drift back to Nate. I never thought anything would feel better than what he and I shared last New Year’s Eve. I always assumed I would just settle for the next best thing, and I had begun to believe it would be Jack.
But just as his kiss surprised me by surpassing all of my expectations, so has this night. What we have is truly exceptional.
As Jack sleeps soundly behind me, I allow a few more tears to fall, again trying to come to terms with what Nate really was to me. I keep trying to assign definitions, words, to what he was– my soul mate? Really?
I never anticipated this. I never saw Jack coming. And I never expected to find such happiness again.
I roll over in his arms, rousing him again with a kiss, and without hesitation, he makes love to me again, just as gently, just as passionately... just as I had always dreamed... but never believed would become a reality for me.
CHAPTER 15
“Are you about ready, Emi?” Jack asks as he stands by the door with Jen, watching me select the necklace Nate had bought me out of my jewelry box. I’d been stalling, but I knew we needed to get going.
I clasp the pearls around my neck and nod to him. He puts my duffel bag on his shoulder and grabs my coat, scarf and gloves, helping me to put them all on. It is lightly snowing at the moment, but had been coming down steadily for the past two days. I have my boots on, ready to trudge through a good six- to eight-inches of fresh snow on the ground.
Once in the car, Jack asks for directions to the florist. I had called the one that Nate often used, remembering how pretty and unique the arrangements always were. I requested something clean, modern, not too flashy since it would be sitting next to a tombstone. When the florist asked how I had heard about them, I told them that my former boyfriend, Nate Wilson, used them often. They inquired about how Nate was doing, which caught me off guard. I then
explained to them that the flowers were for him... that he had passed away last year. The owner was shocked, audibly sad. “He was one of our best customers,” he told me. “We had wondered why he didn’t use us anymore.”
Jack pulls up to the curb and I get out to pick up the arrangement. The owner comes to greet me personally.
“You’re just as beautiful as he said,” the florist tells me. “The last bouquet he ordered last year, his instructions were to make it the most beautiful arrangement for the most beautiful woman. I remember the card said, ‘Thank you, Emi, my Love. Finally.’ He struggled with the words, but settled on that.”
I remember the flowers he had sent me two days after his birthday last year... two days after we had declared our love for one another– and then made love in his loft. They were incredible, delivered to my apartment just two hours after I had left his home. They were meant as an apology. They were bought to assuage his guilt. “They were lovely,” I tell the florist.
“Let me get the flowers,” he says, going to the back room. As I scan the refrigerated case, I pluck the perfect rose from the bin and take it up to the counter. When he comes back, I immediately recognize that this arrangement is something Nate would have appreciated.
“They’re incredible,” I tell him. “Just perfect.”
“I knew what he liked,” he says.
I hold up the single flower, and then attempt to give him my credit card. He holds up his hand. “Please, let me get this. I insist.”
“Well... thank you. I really appreciate it.”
“Miss Emi,” he says, “I am so sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you,” I say, my eyes becoming moist. I don’t want to spend the entire day crying. This has been one of the happiest weeks of my life... The florist steps from behind the counter and hugs me, then hands me the flowers and opens the storefront door for me. Jack is waiting next to the passenger door and helps me place the arrangement in the back seat next to my sister. He shuts the door and takes my hand, then walks to the back of his car.
“Are you sure you want me to go with you guys?” he asks, his gaze shifting to Jen in the car.
“Of course I want you to go. I couldn’t do this without you.”
“Are you sure you want to tell them today?”
I just smile, nod, and touch his chin lightly. “I want everyone to know. Here,” I tell him, placing the rose into his gloved hand. “This is for you. I love you.”
He again glances to make sure Jen isn’t watching, then pulls my face to his and kisses me. “I love you, too, Emi.” After brushing his lips across my forehead, we part, both getting into the car. My cheeks flush hot when I turn around to smile at my sister.
“Everything okay?” she asks as we begin the drive to the cemetery.
“Yeah,” I answer quietly, turning forward and taking a deep breath.
The snow has stopped falling, but it’s still very cold and windy by the time we get to the gravesite. I had called Nate’s mom, Donna, earlier in the week to see if she wanted to meet us here. She explained that she would be leaving for Thailand early this morning, a gift from her husband, James. I had wondered how she would get through this holiday, the first one without her son, so I was pleasantly surprised to hear that James had made arrangements for them to do something special. Even before Nate died, it was a difficult time for her. At the beginning of every year, Nate and Donna would get together to celebrate her wedding anniversary to her first husband, Nate’s dad. They had married on New Year’s Day, and his mother felt it important to have one day a year that they would honor his memory. She picked the happiest day they shared instead of the day he died. I think in the future, I might do something similar for Nate.
Donna said she was grateful for the distraction. I asked her to call me when she got back so we could see each other, share some memories. She said she would. I hoped she would. I hadn’t seen her in months.
Jack, Jennifer and I wait in his car until my brother and Anna pull up behind us. Chris cuts his lights and engine off, and I sigh heavily, not sure if I can do this.
“Are you ready?” Jack asks, squeezing my hand. Jen massages my shoulder through my coat.
“You can do this, Em,” she encourages. “It’s okay.” I nod and get out of the car, opening the back door to get the arrangement out.
“I’ll get it, Emi,” Jack says as my brother and Anna descend upon me with hugs.
“Okay,” I whisper. Chris and Anna each take one of my arms and lead me toward Nate’s final resting place. My sister and Jack follow closely behind.
“Where would you like them?” Jack asks of the flowers. A colorful arrangement sits on one side of his headstone, a ribbon streaming in the wind proclaiming the word SON.
“Over here,” I point to the other side. Jack brings the bouquet to me, and we set it on the ground together.
I had debated inviting Jack along on this trip. I knew I wanted my brother and sister and Anna there. They were with me from the beginning. I knew Jack had been with me, in some capacity, since that night as well, but he didn’t really know Nate.
That’s what eventually convinced me to ask him to come. I wanted to introduce them, in my own way. I wanted Nate to see what a good man he was. I knew Nate had his own misconceptions about Jack in life. But Jack was an incredible person, and I felt like Nate should see his selfless ways.
He didn’t have to say yes. He would undoubtedly feel out of place, but it was important that he be here with me when I said my final goodbye to Nate. This is significant. This is pivotal. This is the beginning of our life together. He needs to know that I’m putting my former lover behind me.
The five of us hold hands and say a few prayers over the grave. I’m grateful to have the four most important people in my life here with me... to mourn the one who used to be my entire life and foundation. It had been awhile since I actually allowed myself to remember the emptiness he left when he died, but I allow it this morning. It still hurts as bad as it did the morning I woke up in the hospital, when Chris delivered to me the news I never expected, never wanted to hear. I sniffle quickly and choke out a few quiet sobs. Jack releases my hand and pulls a handkerchief from his coat, handing it to me. He then puts his arm around my shoulders, pulling my head into his chest. He kisses the top of my head.
Chris squeezes my other hand tightly, his gaze focused intently on the gravesite. I look up at him to see a few tears fall from his eyes, too. Anna leans closer into him for support, but looks at Jack and me curiously.
“Can I have a few minutes alone?” I ask. Everyone agrees, making their way toward a grouping of trees nearby to block the wind. I squat down next to the headstone and adjust the flowers.
I feel like I’ve told you everything I have to tell you, Nate... and I’m not sure what more I can share with you. I believe that, where you are, you know my every thought anyway. You know how much I’ve cared for you and how much I’ve missed you. You’ve seen me struggle with losing you– with losing our baby– this past year. You know it hasn’t been easy. It shouldn’t have been easy. We shared something incredible. I’ve loved you so much.
I’m not sure it’s right to ask for things to be easier now... but I hope they are. I’ve lived three-hundred-sixty-five days without you. Not a single one has gone by that I didn’t miss you, wish you were here for comfort or just for someone to talk to. I had grown accustomed to your companionship. I took you for granted. I will never take anyone for granted ever again. I will cherish all the moments I have to share with other people. I will never let another day pass me by. I will live in the present, not mourn for the past or dread the future. I will trust my instincts, and I will act on them, not ignore them out of fear. I didn’t do all of these things with you.
I break down and sob.
I didn’t do these things with you, but because of you, I will do them for everyone in my future. It’s not fair to you. I will always live with that regret. But I hope you know I did the best I could with you.
You tried to teach me this in life... I just didn’t fully appreciate it until you were gone.
I will never forget you. And I’m sure I’ll still talk to you. I can’t ignore the person who gave me the best, most heartfelt, most sincere advice for over ten years. I’m sure I’ll run things by you sometimes.
But I don’t think I can cry for you anymore, Nate. I will always want to, but for me, in life, I have to move on. I hope you can understand. I love you, Nate, and I always will. You took a part of me when you left, and you can have it, forever. But I need to use what is left to live my life.
I stand up and adjust my coat, taking in a few deep breaths.
“Jack?” I call to him. “Can you come here?”
He nods, leaving the rest of our group huddled together under the tree. Chris has his arms around both my sister and sister-in-law. They look like they’re freezing.
“If you guys want to go, we’ll meet you there,” I suggest.
“Okay, Em. You know where to go?”
“I do,” Jack answers, waving goodbye as they walk toward Chris’s car. As I turn back to the grave, Jack stands behind me, opening his wool trench coat and wrapping it around me as he pulls me into his chest. He kisses my cold cheek, his icy lips providing no warmth. I shiver into him.
“Where’s your hat, love?” he asks me.
“In my pocket,” I smile at his worry for me, getting the silly cap he bought me at the airport out of my cashmere coat and handing it to him. He pulls it tightly over my ears before throwing his arms around me again.
“Are you okay?” he asks. I nod quietly, staring at the ground below us. I swallow hard before continuing.
“Nate,” I start softly, “this is Jack. I wish you could have known him while you were here. I know you would have liked him. And despite what you thought,” I laugh, “he was not trying to take advantage of me that night in college. It was quite the other way around,” I explain.
Jack rocks us slowly back and forth, an attempt to keep warm.
“You will always be important to me. And he understands that. He’s been very patient, very understanding, very supportive... very loving.
