by Lori L. Otto
“I know he has every good quality you would want me to find in a man. I know you would have wanted me to be happy, Nate. And I just want you to know that I’ve found someone who makes me truly happy. I hope you can see that.
“I miss you,” I barely manage to squeak out. “But he will take good care of me from now on. I hope you rest well knowing that.”
“I promise,” Jack whispers in my ear.
“And he’s a man of his word,” I smile. “Trust me, I know.” I can feel Jack laugh lightly. We both stand in silence for a few more minutes. I say another prayer in my head.
“I’ll never forget you,” I tell him, a final tear falling for him. I wipe my eyes with the handkerchief and take Jack’s hand into mine, leading him back toward his car.
He opens the door for me and waits for me to buckle my seatbelt before kissing me, softly, sweetly. He shuts the door quietly and goes around to the driver’s side, getting in.
“Off to Brooklyn,” I sigh.
“To Brooklyn,” he repeats. “You’ll love their house.” Jack had helped my brother and sister-in-law move into their house earlier in the week.
“I’m sure I will. I’m so glad they finally moved closer. It will be nice having them nearby.”
“Definitely.”
Jack’s phone rings in the console. He looks at the caller ID. “It’s your brother,” he says, answering it. “Yeah, we’re right down the street... no, I can go... it’s not a problem. Anything else? Okay... See you in a few.” He hangs up and puts his phone in his coat pocket. “They forgot to get ice,” he says.
“Okay,” I smile as he pulls over in front of a house.
“I’ll go get it. You go inside. It’s that one, right there.”
“No, I’ll go with you,” I protest.
“Emi, I’ve got it,” he insists. “It will take me ten minutes, tops.”
“But the roads are bad...”
“Stop it,” he says. “The snow is melting. I’ll be careful. Just go in, please?” he asks.
“Okay,” I pout, undoing the seatbelt and opening the door. He holds my arm, pulls me back to him. He takes off my cap and kisses my temple.
“I’ll be right back.”
I stand on the curb and watch him slowly drive away. A holiday wreath hangs on Chris and Anna’s door, welcoming visitors. The door is unlocked, so I venture inside. Just as I’m about to announce my presence, I hear a conversation that piques my interest.
“No, she packed a bag and everything,” Jen says. “She’s going to his place tonight.”
“I don’t get it,” Chris says. “When did this happen? The last time we had dinner with them, they barely even looked at one another. They were just... friends, from all I could tell.”
“Yeah, they didn’t even leave together,” Anna says.
“Well, that night, he ended up at our place,” Jen says. “I saw him leaving the next morning when Clara and I came home... and it was obvious he had been there all night. I mean, last time I asked, she insisted they were still just friends. But you know, they did spend Christmas night together at the Ritz Carlton... she wouldn’t give me any details, but if a man took me to the Ritz Carlton, I know I’d–”
“I just think it’s too soon,” Chris interrupts. “And, I mean... today?”
“I don’t think it’s too soon,” Jen argues. “But, yeah, I just don’t know that today is the right day, you know?”
“Yeah,” Chris says.
“But if they’re really in love...” Anna says, relief washing over me as I hear someone on my side.
“I think they are,” Jen says.
“But today’s about Nate,” Chris simply states. “It just seems like she’s running to Jack to avoid this... reality... of what today is.”
“Today is a new day,” I cut in. “Every day of this year has been about Nate.”
“Emi,” Anna says, blushing, embarrassed to be caught discussing me. She’s never one to talk about people behind their backs.
“Thank God Jack isn’t with me,” I tell them. “He’s very private, and I’m sure he wouldn’t like to hear my brother and sister discussing our sex life... it’s none of your business.”
“Emi, we’re just worried,” Jen says.
“About what? Worried I’ll be happy, finally? Worried that I’ll finally be able to put this year behind me?”
“Worried that you’re doing this for the wrong reasons,” my sister adds. I stand in the middle of the hallway with my arms crossed in front of my chest, my coat, scarf and gloves still on.
“Well, why don’t you ask me my reasons... no, on second thought, I don’t owe you reasons... all you really need to know is that I love him... and he loves me. In the end, that’s all that matters.”
“I just think you should allow yourself to mourn today, Emi, that’s all,” Chris says. “It’s okay.” He comes over and tries to put his arms around me, but I shrug away from him, taking two steps back.
“I know it’s okay,” I say, defiant. “But I don’t want to remember the horrible things that happened a year ago. I don’t want to remember our last night together. I don’t want to remember the sounds of the crash, or the silence that followed. I don’t want to see his stare piercing through me. I’ve lived it. Over and over and over and over again, I have relived those moments. I’m ready for them to be gone. I’m ready to make new memories. I’m ready to love someone else.”
“But this is Nate’s day,” Chris says, closing the gap between us.
“No,” I push him away. “It is my day. It is your day. It is Jack’s day and Anna’s day and Jen’s day... but if it’s anyone’s day, it’s certainly not Nate’s!” I yell. “He isn’t here. He’s lived all of his days, remember? He doesn’t get any more.”
Jen and Anna leave the room, leaving this fight to my brother and I, Nate’s two best friends, the two people who knew him best.
“He deserves our thoughts today, Emi. He deserves the memories we can share. We should remember him for who he was, today, Emi. That’s what today is about.”
“Maybe that’s what it’s about for you, but Chris, I’ve done that,” I remind him. “Time and again, day after day, week after week, I did that. And he knows I’ve done that. Don’t make me feel guilty about wanting to move on with my life.”
“I’m not trying to make you feel guilty!” he yells. “I want you to face reality here, Emi. Stop running into the arms of some other man that you hardly know–”
“Hardly know?” I ask him. “I know him far better than you think, Chris.”
“How could you?” he asks. “He’s my best friend, and he’s said nothing about you. And you’re my baby sister, who tells me everything, and you’ve said nothing about him... to me or to Anna, your best friend.”
“We didn’t want to say anything,” I tell him. “We wanted to keep it to ourselves, to have something for ourselves. Everyone has known my damn business all fucking year, and I wanted to keep him, this one person that I’ve grown to care about more than anyone... I wanted him all to myself... and I wanted to be sure about my feelings before I committed to him. We were going to tell you three today. Hey, surprise, everyone!” I rant, yell loud enough for Anna and Jen to hear in the next room. “Jack and I are a couple now! And, hey, we’re sleeping together! Is that okay? Should we take a vote? Is that okay with everyone?”
“Jack,” Chris says, going to the front door and taking one of the bags of ice from him. Fuck!
“It’s okay with me,” Jack whispers as he walks past me to the kitchen, eyebrows raised, my face turning fifteen shades of purple, his only moderately pink.
I want to crawl into a hole.
I want to run to a bathroom or bedroom or someplace private to cry or scream, but I have no idea where any of those places would be since I’ve never been to this fucking house before. God, seriously? I am an idiot.
“Jack,” Chris starts from the kitchen, “I really think–”
“Chris, if you’ll excuse me
, I need to speak with Emi,” he states, doesn’t ask. I can’t even look him in the eye when he meets me in the hall. “Let me show you the upstairs,” he offers, taking my elbow in his hand and leading me up the stairway. I feel bad, afraid he’s angry with me... I wait for him to speak once we get to what I assume is a guest bedroom and he closes the door quietly.
He lifts my chin abruptly and kisses me, a little rough, takes my breath away. “It looked like you needed that,” he says with a smile.
“You’re not mad?” I ask.
“Are you kidding? I’m having a hard time keeping my laughter in, Emi. Only you...” He kisses me again, then hugs me tightly and opens the door.
“No, guys, we’re not doing it right now, don’t worry!” he yells.
“Jack!” I say, surprised, backhanding him lightly in his chest and laughing with him.
“I love you, Emi,” he says. “I love it when you stand up for yourself... when you stand up for us. I... just... love you.”
“Well... thank you. I love you, too.”
“What did I miss?” he asks.
“Chris wants to focus on Nate today. And he thinks I’m escaping reality by being with you.”
“And what do I need to do to patch this up?”
“I don’t know,” I tell him.
“Well, I think I know a good place to start,” he says. “Come on.”
I follow him back down the stairs. He takes off his coat and gloves and helps me with my winter gear. We drape them on the stair railing and find my siblings in the main living area. His fingers entwine with mine.
“I love your sister,” Jack announces to the room. “I always have, I don’t think that’s a secret. We’ve spent a lot of time together over the past few months getting to know each other, as friends. I always knew what I wanted out of it, but above all, I needed her to love me back. And that’s what I was waiting for.”
“And I do,” I add quickly, following his lead. “I’m in love with him, and I want to be with him. And I’m not ashamed or guilty or anything. And I’d really like you three to be supportive of this.”
“Oh, I am,” Anna exclaims, an easy sell, always a champion for love. She comes over to us and hugs us both, standing next to me, challenging Jen and Chris. “Be happy for them,” she pleads.
“If you’re happy,” Jen says with a half-smile. I nod at her. “Okay, then,” she concedes less enthusiastically than Anna. “I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Chris?” Anna asks. His expression is hurt, angry. He walks out onto a back patio area and closes the door, hard, behind him. Anna starts to follow him.
“Let me handle this, Anna,” Jack says. My sister-in-law steps aside and lets him pass through.
The three of us stand around, looking back and forth, as we hear raised voices coming from the back yard. They’re just loud enough that we can hear a heated discussion, but not loud enough for us to make out the actual words.
“Why don’t you two help me in the kitchen,” Anna says. “We have one hour to prep enough food for twenty,” she says.
“I don’t get this,” I say to her, following her. “If he wanted to sit around and be sad all day, why did he agree to this house-warming party?”
“He didn’t have a choice,” Anna says. “I didn’t want him to sit around and mourn all day... I twisted his arm. I pushed for today. I knew it would be good for him.”
“He was one of his best friends,” Jen defends him.
“I know, Jen,” Anna pleads, never one to argue, “but Emi’s right. We have spent an entire year trying to get over this. It’s been hard. At some point we do need to move on. I don’t think Nate would want us to be sad today,” she says. “Do you?”
“Well, of course not,” Jen says. “But if that’s what Chris needs...”
“Then he can mourn among friends and family. He’ll have his entire support system here. Nothing wrong with that.” And this is why I love Anna... her perpetually good attitude conquers all.
The doorbell rings, an obnoxious buzz.
“You have to get that fixed,” I cringe. Anna nods in agreement.
“I wonder who’s here so soon,” she says.
“I asked Brian to come early... I hope it’s okay,” Jen smiles, walking to the door.
“Have you met him?” I ask Anna.
“No, you?”
I shake my head, anxious to see who my sister has been seeing.
“Brian,” she says, introducing a handsome man to us, “this is my sister, Emi, and my sister-in-law, Anna.”
“Brian,” Anna immediately greets him with a hug. “It’s so nice to finally meet you.” I feel obligated to do the same, so I hug him, too, saying hello.
“We were just about to get some food started,” Jen explains. “My brother and Emi’s... boyfriend...” she says with an awkward pause, “are in the back yard.”
“We need to get Chris to fire up the grill,” Anna says. “Brian, would you mind going out there and letting him know?” she asks, and Jen and I both glare at her, wondering why she’s sending him into the apparent firestorm.
“Sure,” he agrees with a laugh, unsure why we’re worried.
“You should probably take these,” I tell him, grabbing three beers from the refrigerator and handing them to him. “Do you drink?”
“Yes,” he says. “Thank you.”
“Anna,” Jen whispers as Brian walks toward the patio.
“What?” she smiles. “They won’t fight with a stranger around. Lord knows nothing we say is going to make them stop. It seems like the obvious choice to smooth things over.”
“I guess,” I shrug.
“I want to keep this one,” Jen says. “Why do we have to introduce him to our crazy so soon in our relationship?” she whines.
“He has to love us for us,” I smile sweetly. “This is your life. We are your family. Deal.”
A few minutes later, Chris comes in, walks briskly through the kitchen and up the stairs. “I started the grill,” he mumbles while he passes us.
I follow him up after about ten minutes. I knock on the closed door, eventually opening it slowly when he doesn’t answer.
“What do you want, Emi?” he asks.
“I just want to talk to you,” I tell him, sitting down on the bed next to him. “Tell me how you’re feeling.”
“I’m sad, Em,” he spits out at me. “I miss my friend, and I don’t understand why I’m the only one feeling this today.”
“You’re not,” I assure him. “I miss him every day. And that’s just it. I’ve allowed myself to miss him, every single day. If you haven’t taken that time, then, yeah, today’s probably going to hit you a little harder than it hits me. I’m used to him being gone. You’ve had the distraction of an engagement and a marriage and a beautiful wife this year. So many wonderful things have happened... you weren’t faced with this every second you were alone... because you were never alone.
“He wouldn’t want you to be sad. How many times have you told me that, Chris?” I smile. “At least fifty-seven,” I joke. “I stopped counting at fifty-seven.” He doesn’t smile back.
“Are you sure you’re ready for another relationship, Emi?”
“I’m sure, Chris,” I tell him.
“I mean it, Emi, you have to be one-hundred-percent certain.”
“I am.”
“Not just about a relationship,” he adds. “About Jack.”
“I am.”
“I don’t think you understand how much he cares about you, Emi. It used to be that I had to worry about you all the time,” he says. “But I can see that you don’t need me to be that person for you anymore.”
“No, I don’t,” I tell him. “He takes good care of me.”
“He is so wrapped up in you, Emi,” my brother says. “If it doesn’t work out between you two, Em, it would be the end of our friendship,” he says. “I know it sounds dumb, but I don’t want to lose another friend,” he admits.
“Is tha
t what you’re worried about?” I ask him.
“A little. I’d hate to see either of you get hurt. I couldn’t bear to see you sad again. And I wouldn’t want to be around him if you walked away from him for a third time. He is the strongest man I know, but fuck, Emi, if that happens... it will destroy him.”
“It’s not going to happen,” I assure him.
“It’s too soon for you to know,” he argues.
“Listen to me, Chris. As much as you don’t want to lose another friend, I don’t want to lose another boyfriend. And we’re not talking death here. I know we’re talking break-up. Whatever way I could lose Jack, I don’t want to. That’s one reason that it took me so long to make this commitment. I was too afraid of that off chance that he would be taken from me, like Nate was. And then I realized, in trying to avoid that loss, I was growing so close to him that being apart from him for whatever reason was a loss I wasn’t willing to live through again.
“My commitment to him goes deeper than just dating, okay? This is much bigger to me; much more important. It has to be. I know loss, like I never want to know again. I intend to be with him... forever... if he wants me. And I think he does.
“We’ve spent so much time together, Chris, really getting to know one another. We’re good for each other, and we’re good together. We have the same wants in this life. We come from good families, and recognize how important our families are. He will be a great father someday. And I want to have children with him.”
“I just think it’s too soon, Emi. Let me talk,” he says before I have a chance to interrupt. “Especially to hear you say ‘forever...’ with him... I mean, Emi, I don’t ever want to see you hurt like you were over Nate. And honestly, Em, I don’t think I could have made it through this year without his support, either. I don’t ever want to have to choose sides...”
“I used to let my own fear keep me from getting what I wanted,” I tell him. “There is no way I’m letting your fear hold me back. I can’t. I won’t. It’s not fair.”
“I know,” he whispers. “I want you to be happy. Both of you.”
“Thank you.”
“Emi, just be sure,” he advises. “I know you say you’re ready, but really consider everything before...”
