by Lori L. Otto
“I have,” I tell him. “And it’s done, already. I have made this commitment to him already, Chris. I have. Mentally and emotionally, I have,” I add confidently.
“But, Emi–”
“But nothing, Chris... Except butt out, please,” I tell him. “I’m fine. I’ll be fine.”
“Well, when you realize you’re not,” he says, presumptive, “I’ll be here for you. We all will be.”
“I’m a little offended by that.”
“Don’t be, Emi. I just think that it’s impossible to put it all behind you, just like that. You’ll still need us. And I just want you to know we’ll be here.”
I nod, still moderately frustrated but letting it go. “Where did you and Jack leave things?” I ask.
“Unfinished,” he answers.
“Will you just let us handle this?”
“Do I have a choice?”
“No,” I tell him. “You really don’t.”
“Then okay,” he shrugs.
“Chris, I love you, and I really do appreciate your concern.”
“I love you, too.”
“And I’m sorry that you lost your friend,” I tell him, feeling the need to acknowledge his real pain. “It’s okay for you to be sad. I need to be happy, though. So please let me try.”
“Okay.”
“Come downstairs with me?” I ask.
“I don’t trust Jack with the steaks,” he mumbles. “And I don’t know this Brian guy at all,” he jokes.
Brian and Jack have joined Jen and Anna in the kitchen, and are all listening to an apparently funny story that Brian is telling. I gather after hearing a few seconds of it that it’s something that happened one night on a date he and my sister went on.
Jack twists open a bottle of beer and picks up a freshly-poured glass of wine, and brings them both to me and Chris. He and my brother make eye contact. They both force smiles... it’s a peace offering, but I can tell this isn’t over yet.
The house begins to fill up quickly once the first guests arrive. I recognize many of them from their wedding, most of them co-workers of my brother and sister-in-law. I see a few decks of cards and some poker chips laying on the coffee table in the living area. Jack lets me know he’s going back on the patio for round two with my brother, and I decide to check out my competition.
“It’s Emi, right?” an attractive man says to me, standing up to shake my hand. “I’m Cory. We met at the wedding.”
“Yes, hi, Cory, how are you?”
“I’m good, thank you.”
“Are you having fun?”
“Sure, just watching the game. We were thinking about playing some poker. You any good?”
“I’m not too bad.” I look at Anna, her eyes encouraging me to stay with the guests. “I’ll play. Does anyone need any refills before we start?”
“I’ll get them,” Anna says, coming into the room to take orders. Four other guests join in the poker game, all guys. We all introduce ourselves, letting one another know how we know the hosts.
I fold the first two hands, trying to figure out the tells of my fellow players. Nate had taught me how to play poker a few years back before a trip to Vegas... he was quite good and had a lot of good tips for me.
By the third hand, I have a few decent cards and decide to play it through. At the end of the round, it’s just down to Cory and me. I am holding a straight, and I feel pretty confident it’s the winning hand. I raise one last time, and he calls the bet. We both flip over our cards. He has two pair.
“Was that bluffing?” I taunt him. “I knew you didn’t have anything.”
“I was hoping for the full house,” he explains, pushing all the chips toward me. “I don’t mind getting beat by the pretty woman, though.” I blush and look away, shuffling the cards for the next hand. Everyone plays the next round, and one of the other guys wins the hand. Cory folds at the beginning of the next round.
“I’m thirsty. Emi, your glass is empty, do you want some more?”
“Sure,” I say, handing Cory the glass as he stands up to go to the kitchen. I win that round and all the guys are starting to banter about the girl playing poker.
“I was taught by the best,” I tell them, shrugging my shoulders. Taught by him, but I never could beat him. I remember that, when he was alive, I used to tease him about how lucky he was in life. I smile wistfully to myself.
“Here you go,” Cory says as he sets the wine down in front of me. “To winning,” he says, toasting me. I raise my glass and drink. He continues with his competitive teasing, and quickly, the other four players lose all their chips and are watching Cory and me battle it out. I can tell Cory is interested in me, his flirting obvious. I know I should probably stop him, or tell him I’m with Jack, but it’s harmless fun... he probably knows that already, anyway. Maybe he’s just naturally flirtatious... maybe I’m reading too much into it.
“Steaks are on!” Chris announces to the room, his jaw clenched and nostrils flaring. All the other guests get up to fix their plates. Cory’s making modest bets, so I sense he doesn’t have a good hand. Plus, he keeps taking sips of his beer, just small ones... I think that’s his tell.
I look up into the kitchen and see Jack talking animatedly to Chris and Anna. He makes brief eye contact with me but looks away quickly. They seem to be having a pretty intense conversation. Jack looks strained, upset, a way I’ve never really seen him before.
“All in,” I announce to Cory, pushing all my chips in, my attention now diverted to the conversation in the next room. I want to know what’s being said... what’s going on. My competitor goes all in, too, and I end up winning the poker game. When I stand up, he does the same and pulls me into an awkward hug.
“Good game,” he says. “I guess I’m the loser... help me turn my luck around and say you’ll go out with me.”
“Emi,” Jack calls to me as he walks in the room. “I was going to go for a walk. Would you like to come?”
“Um, yes,” I say, walking toward Jack and looking back at Cory. “I’m sorry, I’m flattered,” I tell Cory. “But I’m with him.” Jack takes my hand and helps me with my coat. The sun is out, so hopefully the snow is melting and the sidewalks aren’t too slippery. As we walk out the door, he pulls my cap from his pocket and hands it to me. I put it on, adjusting my hair, and when I look up, I see a strange exchange between Chris and Jack.
We begin to walk up the block, Jack completely silent, looking forward, biting his lip, holding my gloved hand in his.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
“Nothing,” he says, smiling. “I just wanted to get outside for a bit. It seems to be warming up a little, don’t you think?”
“Yes, let’s talk about the weather some more,” I chide. “What were you and my brother talking about?”
“Nothing,” he repeats.
“Really? It looked like you were still arguing about something.”
“Chris should mind his own business,” he says tersely. People don’t normally get to Jack like this... especially his best friend. He releases my hand to run his fingers through his hair.
“What did he say to you?” I question him.
“How are you, Emi?” he asks, seemingly changing the subject. I stop in the middle of the sidewalk.
“I’m good,” I tell him before he realizes I’m not next to him anymore. “What did Chris say?” He turns around and comes back to me, taking my hand back.
“Walk with me,” he says. “I’m trying to tell you.”
“Okay.”
“He’s concerned about your state of mind,” he admits.
“That’s silly,” I respond. “I’m fine. You know that.”
“I think you’re fine,” he continues. “But he doesn’t. He thinks this shouldn’t be an easy day for you. He’s not sure now’s the time for you to be making sweeping declarations about us.”
I drop his hand, angry, and begin stomping quickly back toward my brother’s house, ready to confront him for c
ontinuing to attempt to ruin my day. I thought he and I had an understanding. I thought he was going to let Jack and I work this out on our own. This has nothing to do with him!
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” he says, picking me up easily and turning my body back in the other direction. “Calm down.”
“No, I’m going to give him a piece of my mind,” I struggle with him. He holds my shoulders, attempts to still me.
“You’re no match for me,” he teases. “I’ll always win these,” he adds, trying to be funny but unable to relate the humor to me.
“I don’t like it when you hold me down like that,” I say to him, mad and frustrated, remembering when Colin used to do that to me. I shrug free easily once he realizes he was asserting his power over me.
“I’m sorry, I was just playing,” he says. “I didn’t mean to be forceful with you. You’re right to want to give him a piece of your mind, Em, but will you listen to me before you storm off? I want to talk, just me and you.”
“Fine,” I say, walking away from him, up the street. His long legs catch him up to me quickly.
“He was just reminding me how fragile you’ve been... and it’s true, you have been.”
“God, yes, it’s been a tough year, so the fuck what? I’m putting it behind me, Jack. I don’t want to look back. I just want to move forward. With you. That’s all I want. Don’t worry about me, please.”
“I’m not, Emi, will you listen for a second?” he asks, stopping me again, squaring his shoulders off with mine. “I told him to back off,” he tells me. “That if he ever valued our friendship, he’d let you and me figure this out.
“I know it’s been hard. But I have also seen you grow out of this whole experience a whole other person. I just want to assure you that I will never do anything to hurt you. I will never leave you.”
Don’t fucking say that! He said that, too. You can’t know. You can never know. I hold my composure, wanting to scream, to hit... to cry... I am not that fragile! He is not right about me. I will not let my brother be right about me. Now he’s not only put doubt in Jack’s head, but in mine, too.
“I know you can put on a brave face, Emi. I know that. I just want to know that you’re not doing that right now. I want to know that you’re really okay. That you trust me, that you are choosing me. That you love me.”
“I do,” I say, a little defiance coming out in my tone. “I am.”
“If at any point, Emi, any point... you change your mind about anything... I want you to speak up and tell me. Period. You need to be ready.”
“I am ready,” I cry, tears and all. “I’ve been ready. I’m committed to you.” I feel betrayed by my brother. “You don’t believe me?” I ask, sad.
“Of course I believe you, Emi,” he assures me. “Just know that I’m not going to take your decision and run with it. I’ll be with you, every step along the way. If you say stop, we stop.”
“I won’t,” I plead.
“Okay, then, we have nothing to worry about then. Now why are you crying, love?” He pulls my cap down tighter over my cold, red ears, kissing my cheek gently. His demeanor isn’t soothing me like he clearly intends it to.
“I’m just so mad at him!” I say through gritted teeth.
“Let’s make a pact, right here,” he suggests. “We file his concerns away, and we don’t let him get to us. We don’t let him ruin our day. Period. And we both have conversations with him in the future, asking him to let us handle things on our own.
“I mean, let’s face it. Aside from Anna, we’re the two people closest to him. He feels entrenched in this. He feels like he has a lot at stake, too. But you and I know–” he pauses, “and what he doesn’t know– is how we really feel about each other. That’s going to take some time.”
“I guess it’s sort of our fault he doesn’t know,” I add. “But it’s not any of his business,” I continue stubbornly.
“It kind of is,” Jack argues. “Or at least it has been up until now. He’s taken care of you this year. He’s been my most trusted friend since college. We just need to assure him that we can take it from here, and that whatever happens between us, it won’t change our relationship with him.”
I nod in agreement.
“But those conversations can come later. Let’s drop it for today,” he says. “And let’s celebrate their new house, and give him the support he needs, and let’s get to know your sister’s new boyfriend. He’s pretty funny.”
“Good,” I smile finally. “She needs someone to make her laugh. I hope she’s finally past all the ones who have made her cry.”
“He’s made a good first impression,” he tells me. “You ready to go back?”
“I guess so,” I sigh, wiping the cold tears from my cheeks. He links his elbow in mine and leads me back toward their house. “I’m more ready to go home, though,” I mumble.
“We will, soon enough. How late did you want to stay tonight? Did you want to ring in the New Year with everyone?”
“Honestly?” I ask, slowing my pace.
“Of course.”
“I’d like it to just be the two of us. I want to kiss you at midnight, and I don’t want anyone to take that away from me.”
He stops short, taking my face in his warm hands, understanding my meaning. “Oh, Emi,” he whispers, his voice thick with concern. “No one is going to take that away from you.” Again, the tears form. Nate didn’t make it until midnight. I sniffle quietly.
“I’m okay,” I assure Jack.
“I know,” he says confidently. I stand on my tiptoes, anticipating his willing lips on mine. I love it when he kisses me like that.
A few new faces greet us when we get back to Chris’s house. Cory is gone, so no awkward conversation there. Sadly, Jen and Brian also left after eating lunch, opting to spend the afternoon with Clara. They were apparently planning to come back later tonight, once Clara was put to bed with the sitter.
I offer to fix Jack a plate of food and suggest he go into the living room to watch the hockey game on TV with the other guys.
“Everything okay?” Anna asks once I’m in the kitchen.
“It will be,” I tell her, smiling. “We don’t want to fight with Chris anymore today.”
“He doesn’t want to argue anymore, either,” she confesses. “He just loves you both, you know.”
“I know.” I smile sincerely. “I love your house, by the way. I’ll like it better when it’s not filled with drama, but it’s very cute.”
“Thank you,” she responds. “Did you like the guest bedroom? I decorated that with you in mind.”
“I love it, but why me?”
“I don’t know. If I had to pick someone to be our guest, it would always be you. Plus, I know you’ll be hanging out here a lot.”
“Why do you say that?”
“You didn’t see the wine cellar in the basement,” she teases, her eyes sparkling.
“No way. Really?”
“Stocked with your favorite and about a hundred bottles of other things for you to try.”
“Okay, I’m going to take Jack his food, but then you’re taking me down there. I have to see this.”
After I deliver Jack his lunch, Anna leads the way down to the basement, where an entire wall is devoted to various wines.
“My god, where did you get all of this?”
“Shopping spree last week,” she says. “It was in the designer’s budget, by the way,” she winks.
“Smart designer. Which one should we try?” I ask, excited.
“You can pick whichever one you’d like.”
“No, let’s find one together. We’ll share the bottle to celebrate.”
“Um, Emi?” she stalls.
“Yeah?” I pull bottles off the shelf, reading the labels, trying to find something with an intriguing name.
“Emi, can I tell you something?” she asks.
“Of course.”
“You can’t tell a soul. Not Chris, not Jen... not even Jack.”
“I’m pregnant,” she tells me, a happy smile spreading across her face, her hands both covering her tiny stomach.
“What?” I ask, surprised and elated. “Really?”
“Really,” she cries.
“How far along? Wait, Chris doesn’t know?”
“Only two months,” she explains. “I haven’t told Chris yet. We decided to try right away. But miscarriages are common in my family, so I’m really afraid... I just want to wait a little longer before making it public, and getting his hopes up. But I had to tell someone.”
“Anna, my god, congratulations,” I embrace her, warmly. “I’m sure everything will be fine. I just feel it. You’re going to be incredible parents.”
“Still, promise you won’t tell.”
“Sweetie, of course I won’t!”
“That’s why we haven’t decorated the second guest bedroom upstairs. Since we’re theoretically ‘trying,’ we decided not to jinx things. I almost spilled it when we were debating what to do with it earlier this month.”
“I am so happy for you.” I hug her again. “How are you feeling? No morning sickness?”
“No.”
“No cravings?”
“Not yet,” she says.
“Is there anything I can do for you? I could go to your next doctor’s appointment with you, if you want.”
“Oh, Emi,” she says. “I’m so happy you’re excited about this. I was so worried it would make you... sad...”
“Don’t be silly, Anna,” I assure her. “I couldn’t be happier! Please, don’t give what happened to me a second thought. You just better let me spoil the baby as much as I want.”
“You better!” she laughs. “That’s what good aunts do!”
“You can ask Jen,” I tell her. “Where do you think Clara got every last one of those princess dresses she won’t stop wearing?”
“I don’t know if I want a boy or a girl,” she confesses. “I really think I’d be okay either way.”
“Will you find out?”
“Find out what?” Chris says, descending down the stairs. Anna loses all the color in her face, afraid he’s heard us talking.
