by Lori L. Otto
“Really, Jack. Please go.”
“Emi,” I plead. “I’m not leaving you alone. I don’t need time to think about this. You’re being ridiculous.”
She stands up and walks to the door, stumbling to it before opening it. “Please, go. This is your out,” she explains. “I want you to leave right now. Do it for me. When you come back, I’ll know it’s for good. But you have to digest this... and figure out if I’m worth all the sacrifices.”
“I told you–”
“Please? Go.” When she reaches for my jacket, I immediately get up and take it from her, not wanting the ring to expose itself to her now. I know there’s a “yes” in our future... but this isn’t the right time. I put the jacket on and reluctantly give in.
“I’ll be back,” I tell her. “Don’t doubt that for a second.” I kiss her softly, anticipating her more eager kiss in return, which she graciously gives. “I love you.”
“Thank you,” she says.
I drive home, angry, hurt that she thinks I would leave her now. I drive faster than I should, careless. I shouldn’t, I know. I shouldn’t for her. Breathe.
I take the ring out of my jacket pocket when I get home and throw the jacket on the back of the couch. I want a drink... something numbing.
She can’t have children. How is it that the woman I love can’t have children? How can someone so perfectly intentioned to be a mother not be able to bear children?
She’s right. What did she do to deserve this?
What did I do? This is punishment. This is karma.
The scotch burns on its way down. I stare at the ring, still secured in its small box. This changes nothing about the way I feel about her. It can’t.
I remember how her skin glowed the night of the engagement party. She had been pregnant... she was radiant that night. I would never see that glow again. I wouldn’t get to watch her stomach slowly swell. I wouldn’t be able to hold her hand when we found out the sex of the baby. I wouldn’t get to feel our child kick, move inside of her. I wouldn’t get to run to the store in the middle of the night to fulfill her midnight cravings. I wouldn’t get to remind her to breathe, try to take away her fear and pain, as she delivered our baby. These are all things I had looked forward to.
And what about her? All the things she will miss... all the times she will see her friends and family members getting pregnant, their dreams realized while hers never can be. Will she ever be happy? Will I ever be able to make her happy? Would anyone?
The losses just keep piling up for Emi... but I will not be one of them. I am here for her, to love her. I love her more than the ideas of what we could have over a nine-month span of time... such a short amount of time, when it comes right down to it. We can still raise children. Plenty of children need good homes.
Emi alone is the only person I would ever need, though. If she didn’t want to adopt, she would be enough... wouldn’t she? We already have a plethora of nieces and nephews and more on the way. We could see them as often as we wanted. Could that be enough for us? For me?
For years, I’ve wanted to hear the sound of children playing in the house... to be able to play with them in the backyard... I bought this house knowing that I would raise a family here.
Why wouldn’t she want to adopt? Would children– other people’s children– just be a constant reminder of her inability to conceive? Would the presence of children in her life just make her unhappy? Make her feel inadequate?
Would I resent her? Could I ever? In ten years, like she said, would I regret marrying someone who couldn’t give me Jackson Andrew Holland the third? Biologically?
I imagine the looks of sorrow our families would display when we gave them the news. I consider how difficult it would be... I imagine Steven’s reaction; this, just one more reason why I shouldn’t be with her. Everyone would be disappointed.
No one more so than Emi, though, and she is the one that matters to me most. I could face a million people looking at me, feeling sorry for us, before I could face Emi as she watched me walk out of her life. I could never– would never– do that to her. For anything. The thought of her not in my life makes me feel sick.
When I finish my glass of scotch, I take off my tie and untuck my dress shirt before going for a walk. My body feels exhausted from the long day, the jet lag, the devastating news, but I know that I won’t sleep if I go to bed now. I wander, briefly, around my neighborhood before taking a turn east.
I’ll be damned if I’m going to fly back to Spain tomorrow without spending this night with her, without reassuring her that I am here, for good. If I could cancel this week’s meetings, I would. I don’t want to leave her alone. Maybe I can convince her to come with me.
“Is everything okay, Mr. Holland?” Marcus asks as I briskly walk into Emi’s building.
“Just anxious to see her,” I answer, forcing a smile, as I breeze past him.
I debate knocking when I get to her door, but decide to use the key again. She has welcomed me here and I belong here. Wherever she is... that’s where I want to be. I quietly unlock the door in case she is sleeping. It’s obvious that she hasn’t been getting enough sleep over the past few weeks, and I would hate to wake her if she was actually able to escape into pleasant dreams.
The light from the hallway floods her apartment, and I immediately see Emi, lying in bed and clutching the stuffed dog I had won for her on one of our early dates, her sorrowful eyes on mine. She doesn’t move. My eyes adjust to the darkness once I close the door. I take off my dress shirt and slacks, setting them on the love seat, and climb into the bed behind her. Putting my arm around her, I pull her body, gently, next to mine. She holds on to my hand tightly with both of hers. I outline her lips with my thumb, and she kisses it lightly. She sniffles quietly.
“Don’t cry,” I whisper, choked up. In the same moment, a tear falls from my own eye. She rolls over to face me, wiping the tear from my jaw. Her eyes shift back and forth, looking for something in mine. “I’m here for you, Emi. For us. Try to sleep.” I touch her cheek and lean in to kiss her. Our legs entwined, she cuddles closely into my chest as I run my fingers through her hair. She puts her hand up my t-shirt and lightly scratches my back with her nails.
Once I know she is asleep, I close my eyes, allow a few more tears to escape.
Her soft lips wake me up sometime during the night. I thought I was dreaming, until I open my eyes to see pale green, lit only by the bright moonlight, staring back at me. She continues to kiss me, slowly, our gaze never breaking.
“Make love to me,” she whispers. I consider her request, my heart racing.
“Are you sure–”
“Yes,” she cuts me off.
We separate just long enough to help one another undress. Kneeling, facing me in bed, her naked body is a faint silhouette in the night. I touch her gently between her thighs, and she lies back, pulling me on top of her. I kiss her slowly, my lips traveling to her neck as she tilts her head back with her eyes closed.
I look at her, analyzing the moment, wondering how to approach the subject without upsetting her. Out of respect for her, I make no assumptions with Emi. Sensing my hesitation, she opens her eyes and looks at me, wondering.
I smile as I lean over to her nightstand and pull out the small box I had placed there months before. I start to open the package as she wraps her hand around it.
“We don’t need those,” she says as she takes the box from me and sets it back on the night stand. It’s the response I didn’t want.
If she had wanted me to wear one, I could believe that there was at least the slightest bit of hope that she could get pregnant, regardless of what the doctors have told her. I stare into her eyes as she smiles, hopeful. I bite back tears and force a smile of my own.
“There is no way that it can happen, Jack.” I nod in understanding as she pushes the hair out of my eyes. “It is impossible. If you’re thinking we can prove them all wrong... don’t. We can’t.”
I swallow bac
k a lump in my throat as I come to terms with the fact that there will be no children with her soft red hair, her entrancing pale green eyes.
I stroke her ears, her hair, with my thumbs, holding her face close to mine as I kiss her deeper. I cling to her, desperately, needing her. Eventually, my tears mix with hers, the saline flavoring our kiss.
I pull away briefly for air, and kneel in the bed in front of her. As her legs press warmly against my body, her knees bent at my sides, I admire her elegant form. My hands slide down her body, from her shoulders, to her breasts, settling on her hips, gripping firmly. I lean down to kiss her navel and linger, feeling a strange sense of loss. She sniffles, one last time, and lifts my chin up with her hand. Her soft smile is warm, concerned, loving. I follow as she leads me back to her wanting lips.
“Are you sure?” she asks me, her matted eyelashes fluttering.
Life without her is no longer an option.
“I am,” I tell her. “I love you.”
“I love you, Jack.”
“Emi, you are all I that ever wanted.”
She stares at me and smiles. “You can have me,” she whispers.
She tenses and gasps as I pull myself into her, her smile widening as her body relaxes beneath mine.
The woman I love, the feel of her skin against mine, the intensity of our lovemaking... I’ve never felt closer to any woman, emotionally or physically. Without a shred of doubt, I know she was made for me... and I know that– somehow– we’ll have a family together.
I hit the snooze button within seconds of the alarm going off, cursing myself for not remembering to turn it off before I went to bed last night. We both need a lot more sleep. I roll back over and put my arm back around Emi, the same place it had been since we both fell asleep, exhausted and completely spent in every way.
“You’re still here,” she whispers groggily, stretching slightly.
“I am. Go back to sleep.”
“Okay.” She moves onto her side and presses her back into my chest, pulling my arm closer to her body. I kiss her neck and sigh, my eyelids heavy and adamant to keep the sunlight out. “Mmmm...” she sighs, and I can tell she’s smiling.
“What was that for?”
“I just remembered last night...”
“Yeah,” I agree. “Last night was...” There is no word to adequately describe our night– and morning– together.
“Last night meant more to me than... than... any other night in my life,” she says reverently. “I’ve never felt more... cherished, or loved.”
“You are,” I remind her as I plant a kiss behind her ear. She sighs again and snuggles closer into me, if that was even possible.
Just as I begin to doze off, she sits up quickly in bed, pushing my chest. “You have to get up, you have a flight to catch!”
“I’m postponing it,” I mumble, trying to pull her back to me.
“No, you can’t. You said the meeting was important.”
“It is, and it will still be important the next day.”
“I’m okay,” she says as she lies back down, this time facing me. “You don’t have to stay for me.”
“I’m not,” I tell her, smoothing her wild hair. “I’m staying for us. I think we need a day together, just you and me. And then I want you to come meet me in Spain.”
“Really?” she says. “I’d love to.” She kisses me softly.
“Good. My flight is at noon tomorrow and I have meetings the next day. I can get you on the evening flight on Thursday and we can spend the weekend there... fly back on Monday? Would that be okay?”
“Yes, of course,” she smiles. “But you shouldn’t miss your meetings because of me, Jack.”
“Hush,” I tell her. “I am still spending today with you.” I press my finger to her lips before she can argue. “Unless you had other plans.”
“My only plans were to meet my family for dinner. They wanted to celebrate my birthday, so we settled on tonight.”
“Would I be intruding?”
“Absolutely not... but it may be a little uncomfortable.”
“Have you told them yet?”
“No. I wanted to tell you first. I didn’t know if I’d also be delivering break-up news, as well.”
“It doesn’t make sense to me that you would ever think that I would break up with you for this.” I kiss her again, a reassurance.
“But I lied,” she says, mumbling against my lips. “I lied about the freelance... and if you think about it, I’m kind of stealing from you, too. I’m taking away the opportunity for us to have children of our own.”
“You lied for good reason... and you’re stealing nothing from me. We’ll make this work, Emi. Somehow, we’ll figure it all out.”
“Okay,” she smiles.
“So we can tell your parents together tonight.”
“Right. And then escape to Madrid for the weekend.”
“Mmmm...” I hesitate. “Pack for some place a little more... tropical,” I tell her. “We won’t be staying in Madrid.”
“Oh? Where?”
“Just be at the airport with your passport when I tell you to be. I want it to be a surprise.”
“Please tell me,” she begs with a wide grin spread across her face.
“I’ll tell you if you let me go back to sleep.”
“Really?” she asks.
“No, not really. But let’s go back to sleep anyway. And just dream of the most perfect place on earth... because that’s where we’re going.”
I had debated bringing the ring with me to dinner, but I decided in the end that I didn’t want it to seem like I was simply reacting to her bad news. Hopefully she understands fully that I am here to stay... after our day together, I believe she does.
At Emi’s mother’s house, her family is already gathered and waiting when we arrive. She clutches my hand tightly; even as we hug her parents and siblings, she refuses to let go. She said very little on the drive upstate, undoubtedly trying to find the right words.
After dinner, Jen puts Clara to bed in their parents’ bedroom while everyone gathers around to talk over drinks. When Emi’s sister reappears, Emi decides it’s time.
“I have some news,” she says, swallowing hard. She looks at our hands, still clasped, as I meet the eyes of all of her family members. They all wait patiently for Emi to continue, but she doesn’t.
“We have some news,” I clarify after clearing my throat. Emi nods her head before leaning into my shoulder. I switch hands with her so I can put my arm around her, rubbing her arm.
Emi’s mother claps her hands together and stands up. “Congrat–”
“Mom,” Chris says, holding her back, sensing immediately that it is not good news we’re bringing to his family. I smile politely at her mother, meeting her questioning eyes and shaking my head minutely.
“I can’t have children,” Emi announces abruptly as she starts to cry. Anna doesn’t hesitate as she crosses the room to grab a box of tissues and brings them to us. She kneels down in front of her sister-in-law, setting the box on my knees, and then hugs us both.
“Thank you, Anna.”
“I’m so sorry, Emi. You’re sure?” she whispers. Emi wipes her eyes and nose with a tissue before pulling back and nodding. She scans the room to see the reaction of the rest of her family. They all look stunned and ready with questions.
“Why?” Jen asks first.
“There’s apparently a lot of scar tissue. Too much,” Emi explains in one quick breath.
“From the accident?” her father asks. We both nod.
“Emi, baby,” her mom cries and comes to hug her daughter.
“Get a second opinion,” Chris says from across the room.
“She did,” I tell him as Emi and her mom cry together. “She had a procedure done at the urging of the best OB-GYN in the country. She saw two other specialists, as well. They all had the same findings.” As I look around the room, seeing the looks of sadness and disappointment, I recoil at the thought
of telling my own parents.
They knew what the deciding factor was in my failed relationship with Caroline. They knew that everything hinged on the fact that she didn’t want children, and on my unfaltering decision to have them someday. I remember how they took the news when I told her she had decided to leave. They were sad, but they all knew that I had made the right decision to stand firm on my future plans. They all agreed that the only woman for me was one who would be a mother to our children. They knew that I would be a father someday... they knew it was the one goal in my life I had yet to achieve.
Now, I hope my family won’t see this as a hopeless situation. I hope they can see the difference. After all, it’s not that Emi doesn’t want children, it’s that she can’t have them. But together, we can still raise them... and that’s the difference. Still, the disappointment they’re all sure to feel... the looks on their faces...
“Right?” Emi asks me with a hopeful smile. All eyes are on me.
“I’m sorry, what was the question?” I laugh, feeling my cheeks get hot as I realize they had continued the conversation without me.
“Are you alright?” she asks. “You look flushed.”
“I’m fine, what did you ask?”
“I told them that I was going to meet you in Spain this weekend.”
“Right,” I clear my throat and see the expectant looks of her parents. “Yes, Spain, I’m very excited.”
“So everything’s still on track?” Emi’s father asks me. I clearly hear the underlying question: if I still intend to propose.
“This changes nothing between us,” I assure her family, and Emi. I fully intend to propose. I’m just not sure this weekend will be the right time. I want... us... to be normal... and happy... and whole... again.
CHAPTER 6
I fix a drink before settling in to the hotel room in Madrid. I only have five hours until the meetings begin at nine. Going to sleep now would be pointless, so I hope the brief nap on the plane tides me over. I had a hard time sleeping, my mind racing with possible options for Emi and me. When I see our future together, I still see children. I can’t imagine our life without them... but I’m trying to come to terms with this possibility.
