Scents and Sensibility

by Spencer Quinn

  “Any other reason?”

  “Why would there be any other reason? What are you getting at?”

  “Nothing,” Bernie said. “What I was trying to tell you is that Chet and I will also be working on this, full-time.”

  “Who is Chet?”

  Bernie pointed at me. At the time I was licking at an unruly tuft of fur sticking up on one shoulder, but I soon got that taken care of.

  “He looks so much like . . .” the woman said.

  “Ellie and I were discussing that,” Bernie said.

  “I can imagine,” the woman said, and then with no warning she fell apart completely, wailing and sobbing, tears streaming down her face. Bernie went to her, turned her around, walked her into the house, and closed the door. Being inside didn’t keep me from hearing another window opening up in the neighborhood, and then one more.

  • • •

  “What’s your name?” Bernie said, refilling the woman’s water glass at the kitchen sink and handing it to her.

  “Barb,” she said. She took a sip, dabbed at her face with the back of her arm, gazed around in that unseeing way humans sometimes do. How interesting they are! Meanwhile, there wasn’t much to see, just a lot of boxes, mostly empty, and stacks of kitchen things here and there. “Sorting through all the . . . all the . . .” Barb said.

  “Is there any hurry on that?” Bernie said.

  “I don’t know. Her lease is up at the end of the end of next month. But she was going to renew. So . . . I just don’t know.”

  “Maybe you can get someone to help you.”

  “Yeah.” Barb took another sip, looked my way. “Where do you think he is?”

  “Shooter?”

  Barb nodded.

  “No idea,” Bernie said. “How about we call some of the shelters?”

  “Now?”

  “Why not?”

  Soon they were sitting across from each other at the kitchen table, talking on their phones. About what? I wondered about that. Then I picked up an interesting scent, followed it to a gap between the fridge and the stove, and discovered a chewy shaped like a little baseball bat—a chewy, from the smell, clearly belonging to Shooter. So nice of him to share! I’m a big fan of baseball—especially the ball itself, full of surprises when you get inside—and also of chewies, hardly bears mentioning, meaning my life was about to enter one of those perfect interludes. Do you have them? With me, they come around pretty often. Yet I’m always surprised, which takes it to an even nicer level. Who can make sense of all these things? Not me, amigo.

  The phone calls went on for some time, then came to an end. Bernie and Barb shook their heads.

  “Doesn’t mean he won’t turn up,” Bernie said. “And now if he does, they’ll call you.”

  “She loved Shooter so much.”

  “I understand.”

  Barb gave Bernie a quick sideways look. “Maybe this sounds crazy, but I’d really like him found.”

  “Why is that crazy?”

  “Because I can’t keep him—I’m allergic.”

  That puzzler cropping up again? I didn’t let it affect my mood.

  “We’ll do our best to find him,” Bernie said. “Any thoughts on where he’d go if not here?”

  “Such as . . . ?”

  “Such as somewhere else he likes to go,” Bernie said. “Shooter didn’t start from here—I’m going on the assumption that he was with her when . . . that he rode along on the trip.”

  “I didn’t think of that. But of course you’re right.” Barb’s eyes shifted, a sign her mind had gotten busy on something. “Where’s her truck?”

  “Good question,” Bernie said. “But back to Shooter, and where he might go.”

  “I just don’t know.”

  “What about Ellie’s boyfriend? Where does he live?”

  “Her boyfriend? Ellie doesn’t . . . there was no boyfriend, not recently.”

  “My mistake,” Bernie said.

  “There were boyfriends in the past,” said Barb. “But none of them panned out, for one reason or another. You know how men are these . . . excuse me.”

  “No,” Bernie said. “Go on. It’s a teachable moment.”

  Barb laughed. A small laugh, and quickly done with, but nice to hear. “I’ve said too much already.”

  “I can take it.”

  “That’s what they all say,” Barb said.

  Bernie smiled. “Lesson one,” he said.

  From the look on her face, I thought Barb was about to laugh again, but she did not. Instead she picked up a little silver trophy, dusted it off, and wrapped it in newspaper.

  “How about Ellie’s ex?” Bernie said. “Did Shooter know him?”

  Barb put down the trophy. “Ex? There’s no ex. Where are you getting your information?”

  “Sorry,” Bernie said. “I must have gotten things mixed up.”

  Barb gave him a careful look. “I hope you’re a good detective,” she said. “I don’t have money to waste.”

  “Not following you.”

  “I’m paying you, of course. To find whoever killed my daughter. And to bring Shooter back home.”

  Bernie shook his head. “We’re going to do those things,” he said. “But we’re not taking any money from you.”

  “I won’t accept charity,” said Barb.

  “Nothing to do with charity,” Bernie said. “We already have a client.”

  “Who?”

  “That’s confidential.”

  Confidential meaning he was going to say the name of the client or he wasn’t? I was hoping he was, the existence of this client being news to me. Do I need to fill you in on our finances? I kept hoping for client news until we were back in the car, and for some time after.

  • • •

  “Remember how that went, big guy?” Bernie said as we crossed back over the canyon. “Didn’t I tell Ellie I was divorced and seeing someone, and didn’t she say ‘same!’ or something like that?”

  I had no idea what he was talking about. That was bad. On the flip side, I still had Shooter’s bat-shaped chewy. That was good, one bad and one good always leveling out to good, in my opinion.

  “Why would she do that?” he went on. I waited to hear. My teeth felt tip-top, the way teeth do when working on a first-class chewy. “Is it possible she was laying the foundation for some sort of . . . some sort of something?” Bernie took a deep breath, let it out slow, accompanied by a small sound, not happy. “I’m not going to deny that I felt . . . what did I feel, exactly? A kind of beginning? I’m pretty sure I did. Do I have to beat myself up over that?”

  I stopped in mid-chew. Bernie beating himself up? Had I ever in my whole career heard anything worse? Could he have forgotten about that lightning-quick jab and the damage it could do? Not to mention the hook that came pounding in right off the jab, both of them in the air at the same time, one coming, one going? He wouldn’t stand a chance! I kept a close eye on Bernie’s hands, was relieved to see they didn’t square up into fists, but stayed on the steering wheel, nice and relaxed. I wondered about taking Bernie on a long run in the canyon, maybe work off some of his excess energy. You had to get out in front of problems, as Bernie says, and now I really understood it for the first time. A simple plan—find a tennis ball, drop it at Bernie’s feet—was already forming in my mind as we turned into our driveway, but then the phone buzzed.

  “Bernie?”

  Hey! It was Suzie. Hadn’t heard her voice in way too long. Not easy for us, me and Bernie, being so far away from her. Seeing her in Foggy Bottom—if that was where we’d seen her: what a great time! Gunplay on a boat at night—you don’t forget fun like that. And Suzie had written up the whole case—the Barnum case as I called it to myself, on account of Barnum, a guinea pig who’d played a small role—for her paper, Bernie reading the whole thing aloud, although I’d fallen into dreamland soon after the Barnum part. Suzie had even ended up on TV! We’d watched her in a bar somewhere on our drive back home, except not all of it,
what with the bartender changing the channel, which had led to a little rumpus best forgotten.

  “Uh, hi, Suzie,” Bernie said.

  “You okay, Bernie?”

  “Yeah, sure. Just working on a case.”

  “Is this a bad time?”

  “No, no. I mean—for what?”

  Suzie laughed. “Oh, Bernie, you’re just so . . .”

  “Go on.”

  “You. You’re so you.”

  “That’s it? I was hoping for some revelation.”

  “I’m no revelator,” Suzie said. “Just a journalist. Which is actually the point of my call.”

  “Oh?”

  “As well as hearing you being you, of course. Goes without saying.” Then came a pause. I noticed old man Heydrich out on the sidewalk, sweeping dust from his side to ours. He saw me, flashed a quick glare, and headed back toward his house. “The thing is,” Suzie went on, “they’ve offered me a promotion.”

  “So soon?”

  “My first thought, too. Either they’re in total disarray, or . . .”

  “Or they really like you.”

  “They’ve offered me Europe,” Suzie said.

  “The whole of Europe, or just west of the Rhine?” Bernie said.

  “Stop it. I mean the European desk. Head of it, Bernie!” She took a breath, reined herself in a bit. “Based in London. I want you to come.”

  TEN

  * * *

  Like for a long weekend?” Bernie said.

  Silence on the other end.

  Bernie tried again. “Um, a week or so?”

  What was this about? Europe? London? Both new to me, whatever they were. I worked on the remains of Shooter’s chewy. Nothing lasts forever—you hear that all the time—and it was certainly true of chewies, in my experience. But just you wait and a fresh new chewy is bound to come along! The only hard part is the waiting. Waiting is the only thing that . . . lasts forever? Whoa! Where did that come from? Way too disturbing. Best forgotten. Done!

  “. . . sure, Bernie,” Suzie was saying when I tuned back in. “For a visit, at first. That makes total sense.”

  “A visit,” Bernie said. “As, uh, opposed to . . . ?”

  “Sorry, Bernie,” Suzie said. “I’m not doing this very well. Started in the wrong place, a common misstep in my profession. How about we back up a bit?”

  “As far as you want,” Bernie said. “But let me get my congratulations in. You’re a star, Suzie. I . . . I couldn’t be prouder of you.”

  “You mean that?”

  “Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”

  “It’s just nice to hear, that’s all,” Suzie said. “Lots of men might say it, but how many would mean it?”

  “Why wouldn’t they mean it?” Bernie said.

  “See, right there—the very fact you could ask that question simply proves everything.”

  “Lost me,” Bernie said.

  Suzie laughed. “Don’t you get it?”

  “Maybe I do,” Bernie said, “and just don’t know it.”

  “That’s exactly where I’ve been for way too long,” Suzie said. “Then last night I was so restless, couldn’t sleep, when suddenly it hit me. We should be together, you and I, period.”

  Suzie is one of my very favorite people in the world, so I knew she’d meant to say we should be together, you and Chet and I, period. Or possibly Chet and you and I, period. As for what she was talking about, it made no sense. Weren’t we together already?

  Bernie looked my way. The expression on his face was new to me. Not that I hadn’t seen it on human faces before, and plenty of them: comes with the territory. But on Bernie’s face? Never! The expression was . . . oh, but I don’t want to say it! All right: fear. There. I won’t be mentioning it again, so don’t hold your breath. Or do. I was present at a breath-holding contest once at a bar in South Pedroia, and none of the dudes could last even long enough to make it interesting. Except for the drunkest one, and his girlfriend got him breathing again on the ride to the hospital. She took him there on the back of her Harley, strapped in tight with bungee cords, an unusual sight and the only reason I’m remembering any of this.

  “Aren’t we together now, sort of?” Bernie said, possibly thinking along the same lines as me. No surprise there: we’re a lot alike in some ways, me and Bernie, as I may have mentioned before. Have I also mentioned that even his scent has some similarity to mine? In a very small way, true, but no other human I’ve come across even gets on the board.

  “Is ‘sort of’ what you want out of life, Bernie?”

  “No.”

  “Then come with me to London.”

  “And live there?”

  “You make it sound like Mars.”

  “But what would I do?”

  “I knew you’d say that! So I made a few calls and I’ve got some leads already.”

  “Oh?” Bernie said.

  “For example, have you heard of SecureX?”

  “I know the name.”

  “They’re all over Europe and the Middle East. I had coffee with one of the directors yesterday—he knows you!”

  “What’s his name?”

  “Marv Lister.”

  “Yeah,” Bernie said. “We crossed paths once or twice in the service.”

  “Well, you made a big impression. And they’re hiring now—in London and Dubai, mostly.”

  “Hiring what?”

  “Investigators, of course! We’re not looking for bodyguard duty, are we?”

  “No.”

  “I hear something in your voice,” Suzie said. “Have I done wrong?”

  “No.”

  “Been too pushy? I was actually meeting him about a story I’m working on and you came up by accident. Pretty much.”

  “It’s all right,” Bernie said. “I—”

  A small car came slowly down the street. The driver—hey! Mr. Singh—caught sight of us and waved kind of wildly. He parked—not very well, one wheel sort of resting on the curb—and hurried up the driveway, if a quick sort of waddle can be called hurrying.

  “Bernie?” Suzie said. “Still there? Did we get cut off?”

  “Uh, no. No, it’s just—can I call you back?”

  “Call me back?”

  “Just that I’m working on something now, and a potential witness has shown up, out of the blue kind of thing, wasn’t even—”

  “Yeah, sure,” Suzie said. “Sure. Call me when it suits your schedule.” Click.

  “Damn it,” Bernie said, why I wasn’t sure. Wasn’t he happy to see Mr. Singh? Mr. Singh was a buddy, unless I’d missed something. Too bad he wasn’t carrying a paper bag. A snack-sized helping of curried goat would fit perfectly in a paper bag, but Mr. Singh’s hands were empty. We got out of the car.

  “Bernie, Bernie, one of my colleagues has seen your watch!”

  “Yeah?” Bernie said. “What happened? Something that made you come in person?”

  “Coming in person is no problem—I have business in your neighborhood. I am killing two birds with one stone!”

  Oh, yeah? How many times had I heard that one? And was I still waiting for a human—any human, step right up—to kill even one single bird with a stone? Or even try? The only human who’d come close was Bernie, as you might have guessed, and he’d thrown a tire iron, not a stone, and the bird had turned out to be a machine, possibly called a drone. As for Mr. Singh, he had no stone, did not appear to be looking for one, and the only bird in sight was the buzzard perched in its usual spot next to old man Heydrich’s chimney, far enough away so you’d need a cannon arm to knock it off, and Mr. Singh’s arms were of the short and pudgy sort.

  “Yeah,” Bernie was saying. “Who’s the—”

  At that moment, old man Heydrich’s door opened and out stepped old man Heydrich.

  “Hey,” he called. “Over here, for chrissake.”

  Mr. Singh raised a finger to the sky. “One moment, sir, one moment!”

  Heydrich didn’t like that—you could see fr
om his face, although not liking things was pretty much his go-to expression—but he went back in his house and closed the door. Is this the time to mention a little puzzlement I have with human finger pointing? Pointing goes on with either that first finger, next to the thumb, like Mr. Singh had just done it, or with the big one in the middle. For some reason that big one in the middle gets humans stirred up—you see it on the highway all the time. But I’m still waiting to find out what’s going on. A lot of humans—not Bernie, of course—seem to be in the grip of sudden mood changes. No offense.

  “You know Heydrich?” Bernie said.

  “In a purely business sense,” said Mr. Singh.

  “He pawns things?”

  “No, no, Bernie—he has no use for my lending capability. The selling of memorabilia is his interest.”

  “Heydrich’s into memorabilia? Like old Grateful Dead posters?”

  “Ha ha, Bernie. All I know about the American sense of humor I have learned from you.”

  “Then you’re in trouble,” Bernie said.

  Mr. Singh blinked. “Explain, please?”

  “Doesn’t matter,” Bernie said. “What does Heydrich sell you?”

  “Things of a military sort,” said Mr. Singh.

  “Weapons?”

  “I do not deal in weapons,” Mr. Singh said. “Other than a single World War Two M4 Sherman tank, which can be yours for a special price.”

  “Seventy-five or seventy-six millimeter gun?”

  “The one-oh-five howitzer, Bernie! What a lot of wheely-deally to obtain it! But as for Mr. Heydrich, he is a provider of vintage uniforms, plus the occasional battle ribbon or medal.”

  “What era?” Bernie said.

  “World War Two exclusively.”

  “Army? Navy? Marines?”

  “Wehrmacht,” said Mr. Singh. “Mostly army but with some Luftwaffe articles.”

  “He sells you Nazi uniforms?”

  “And the occasional battle ribbon and medal, as I mentioned.”

  Bernie gazed over at Heydrich’s house. The buzzard on the roof—one of those red-headed buzzards with a bone-colored beak—turned in our direction. It loosed a squawky cry, rose heavily into the air, and flapped away.

  “So nice for you to have an interesting neighbor,” Mr. Singh said. “My neighbor owns car washes in the west Valley, not so interesting. But the watch, Bernie! After your visit I notified some of my colleagues to be on the lookout. My instructions were to show keen interest, but make some palaver about further research, and invite the purveyor back at a specific time, when an excellent offer would most certainly be forthcoming.”