His Reverie

by Monica Murphy

  To gain her forgiveness for what I’m about to do.

  “I saw everything, you know.”

  I turn to find her standing not ten feet away from me, her arms still crossed in front of her chest. “Were you standing there the whole time?” Hell. Then she heard me agree to meet Krista and saw her kiss me.

  “No. I was inside the stables. I watched through the window though.” She strides toward me, her face determined, her hair flying out behind her. “I can’t believe you kissed her!” She shoves me in the shoulder with a firm push of her hand and I go stumbling backwards, almost losing my footing.

  “It was nothing,” I yell back at her, throwing up my hands in defensive mode. “I swear. It meant absolutely nothing.”

  “You two certainly looked cozy. How am I supposed to believe you?” The hurt in her voice is unmistakable. I hate that I’ve done this to her. But I need her on my side, not working against me.

  “Maybe you should believe me because you love me and supposedly trust me? But if that’s not the case…” I let my voice trail off as I rub at my shoulder. The girl can pack a punch when she wants to. And my chest aches too. This is all falling apart and I don’t know how to make it right.

  “How can I trust you when you let that stupid slut hang all over you?” Reverie shoves me again but at least I was prepared for it this time and didn’t almost fall on my ass. “Why do you let her control you? Who cares if she goes and talks to my parents? If we tell them now then she has nothing to use against us. We can beat her at her own game.”

  Either way I lose. I don’t think Reverie realizes that yet. Or if she ever will. She may have secrets but I have more.

  “Your parents won’t approve of us, no matter how badly you want to believe they will,” I say.

  “I can’t believe you have such little faith in me or my family.” She shakes her head. “But I guess if you’re willing to give up that easily, I shouldn’t be surprised. I’m leaving in a week anyway. So go ahead. Go be with your slut and make stupid little babies who won’t amount to anything. See if I care.”

  Low fucking blow. She’s saying that to hurt me, and it works. “Better than being with a judgmental princess who thinks she’s above me,” I toss at her as she starts to walk away.

  She whirls around to face me once again, her expression indignant, her body rigid. “I never, ever judged you, Nicholas. I fell in love with you. And now you’re crapping all over it so you can go back to your stupid ex and screw around with her instead, supposedly to protect me? I won’t let you use me too.”

  She’s right. I can’t argue with her. There’s no point. “I fell in love with you too, you know,” I admit, my voice so soft I can barely hear it. “Too late now though, huh?”

  Again we stare at each other, the both of us seeming at a loss at what to say. I’m trying to come up with something, anything to keep her here with me a little bit longer but my mind is a blank. All I can worry about is her finding out about my jail time. About my best friend the liar. She already knows about my ex the slut. My shitty apartment. My shitty life. My dead mom. She doesn’t need to deal with someone like me. She deserves more. Better.

  She definitely deserves better than me.

  “If you lack that much faith in me, in us, that we can stay together no matter if my parents find out or if the entire world finds out, then forget it. Forget this. Forget us,” she finally says, her voice firm yet full of defeat. “I can’t believe in this enough for the both of us. It’s a team effort but you’re not willing to play.”

  “You’ll leave me no matter what,” I say, my voice cracking, my heart breaking. “Whether now or later. This can’t last. You know it.”

  She nods once, completely expressionless. I can’t read her at all and usually she’s an open book. “So you’re giving up.”

  “Do I have a choice?”

  “Oh, Nicholas.” She sounds so wistful she makes me yearn. Yearn to take her in my arms and never, ever let her go. So we can face the consequences together. “You always have a choice. What’s so sad is that you don’t even see it.” She walks up to me and kisses my cheek, her lips lingering as if she doesn’t want to stop.

  I close my eyes, savoring her scent, her mouth on my skin, her close proximity to me. I reach out and grip her elbow, holding her close for one last desperate moment, but she gently pulls out of my touch. Until she’s over there and I’m over here and it’s like she took a piece of me away with her and I’m left broken and alone.

  Reverie may be standing in front of me still but I am completely and totally alone.

  “I thought you were stronger than that,” she whispers before she turns and walks away.

  I thought I was stronger too. I guess I wasn’t. But she is.

  And as she leaves me, she never once looks back.

  Dear Diary,

  (August 5th, 4:22 p.m.) My heart is breaking. Nicholas left me for his stupid slut girlfriend. I don’t understand why. What did I do wrong? How could he go back to her? He’s so afraid of my parents finding out we’re together. I constantly reassure him that they’ll approve of us as a couple. That what we’re doing isn’t wrong when it feels so right. But he won’t listen. He doesn’t believe me.

  He doesn’t believe in us.

  I walked away from him before he could walk away from me. I knew I would fall completely apart if I let him walk first so I had to do it. Instead, I made it into my room before I crumpled. I’ve cried for a solid hour. I’m still crying. My vision is blurry from the tears. My chest hurts from all the sobbing. I have a headache that no medicine can fix. My heart hurts from Nick’s rejection.

  Is it wrong that I still want to go to him and ask him to change his mind? Is it wrong that I want to sneak out of here and go to his apartment? I don’t think so. When the heart knows what it wants, it won’t stop until it gets it. And what I want most of all is Nicholas Fairfield.

  Despite his rejection. Despite how easily he gave up on us, I still love him. I still want him. He said he loved me too. That was the first time he ever told me. As our world is falling apart around us, as he lets his ex put her hands all over him and then lets her kiss him, within minutes after that, he’s telling me he loved me.

  I didn’t answer him. How could I? His words both filled my heart with joy and made it shrivel up in pain. I hate that he gave up so easily. I hate that he lets Krista control him that much. Why can’t he stand up to her? What sort of control does she hold over him? What does she know that I don’t know?

  He has a secret. There’s really no other reason for him to act like this. I need to find out what his secret is.

  I must.

  Foreboding: to foretell or predict; be an omen of

  August 5th (longest day ever)

  It started to rain around seven and it still hasn’t let up two hours later. Which is fine really. The late summer rain fits my mood. Angry and relentless, it rages on with a violent wind, the air steamy. I throw open my living room window and listen to the rain fall outside. The occasional crack of thunder, the flash of lightning, I’m taking it all as a sign that everything is going to shit.

  Because it is. Everything good in my life is slipping right out of my hands. I let Reverie walk away from me like she was nothing. I let Krista control me like I’m nothing. I agree to do whatever she wants because I’m scared that if my girl finds out the truth of what I’ve done, what kind of man I really am, she’ll run. And I’d rather give in to Krista than face Reverie’s parents. My employers.

  I’m a coward.

  Her words keep coming back to me. That she never judged me, she only fell in love with me. And she’s right. She never passed judgment. From the moment we locked eyes she’s shown interest. She’s been friendly and sweet. It didn’t matter that I worked for her parents. It didn’t matter that I’m broke and have nothing and have no plans on going to college and can’t take her out in style. Hell, I couldn’t even muster up a birthday present for her that was of any value.

&
nbsp; But she didn’t care. She accepted me openly. So why wouldn’t she accept what happened to me openly too?

  I don’t know. I’ll never know because I ruined everything.

  Irritated, I go into the kitchen and grab the last beer out of my fridge. Michael brought over a twelve pack a few afternoons ago after we got off work and left the remainders there. I’ve been slowly drinking them ever since. I wish I had more. I’m desperate to drown my sorrows in this stupid cheap beer. I could probably drink an entire twelve pack and still not be drunk enough to forget what I did.

  Cracking open the can, I chug the beer, forgetting my original plan to savor it. I grimace when I swallow, hating the pissy taste of the cheap brand that Michael loves. I glance at the clock on the microwave and see it’s only a little after nine. I still have three hours before Krista shows up so she can supposedly seduce me and fuck me silly all night long.

  The very last thing I want. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this night. And once the night is over, then what? What happens next? Does she blackmail me again? And again and again and again until there’s no point to it and we’re back together? Co-existing in some warped relationship where she fucks around on the side, I fuck around on the side, but we’re never truly free of each other?

  Is that what I want for the rest of my life? Hell, I’m almost eighteen. Just imagining being with Krista like that indefinitely feels like some sort of life sentence, worse than jail.

  And I have the right to say that since I’ve done time in one.

  I finish the beer way too fast and decide I’m gonna hop in the shower when there’s a knock on my door. I’m instantly wary of who it could be. Most likely it’s Krista come to give me my torture extra early. Just what I need.

  Not.

  Without looking through the peephole, I undo the lock with a violent twist of my wrist and throw open the door, a snarl on my face as I prepare to yell at Krista for being too damn early.

  But it’s not Krista standing on my doorstep.

  It’s a shivering, soaked-with-rain Reverie.

  “What…” I gape at her, hope making my heart light, my head dizzy. “What are you doing here?”

  She tilts her head back, the expression on her face nothing short of triumphant. “I know your secret.”

  I blink at her. She looks crazy. Her hair is dark with rain and her clothes stick to her body, her T-shirt see-through and offering me a glimpse of her lacy, kill-me-now bra. She has on a pair of cotton shorts that cling to her thighs and all I want to do is strip her out of her too-wet clothes and take her into the shower with me. Where I can warm her up.

  And show her how much I love her.

  “How did you get here?”

  “I had Evan drop me off about a mile away. I told him I was going to a friend’s house. I didn’t tell him who or where.” She swipes wet strands of hair away from her face, but a few still stick to her cheeks. “Did you hear me? I know your secret, Nick. I know everything. About your time in jail. About your best friend saying you two killed that guy. How he lied. How you got out of jail and within two months your mom died.”

  “You walked a mile in the rain in this neighborhood?” Okay, I’m pissed. “You could’ve got jumped.” Or worse. Way worse.

  She shrugs. “I w-wanted to s-see you. And tell you that I know what happened to you and I don’t care. Well, not that I don’t care, because I can’t believe you were put in jail for months for a crime you didn’t commit. I-I c-can’t imagine what your m-mom was th-thinking. How s-scared she m-must’ve b-been.” Her teeth are chattering, she’s so cold despite the humidity in the air.

  I take her hand and drag her inside the apartment, shutting and locking the door behind her. Her scent fills my head, the dampness and heat from her skin making it even stronger, and without thought I touch her face. Skim my fingers across her cheek, down her nose, tracing her lips. “Why are you here?” I whisper. Despite her drowned appearance she’s still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. My heart feels lighter just having her stand in front of me.

  “I already told you.” She shoves at my chest but without much force. More like she’s clinging to me. And I’m clinging to her. Because I can’t believe this is real. That she’s in my living room and that my arms are around her and her wet clothes are making me wet too, we’re holding each other so close. “I knew you had a secret. Why else would you give Krista so much power? I started doing a few searches on the Internet and found out everything.”

  Everything. She knows everything? I start to register what she said before I yanked her inside…

  “Yes. I know.” She touches my face, just like I’m touching hers. “Did you really think I would hate you for what happened? You didn’t do anything. These horrible things were done to you. There’s a difference. A huge difference.”

  “I spent months in jail,” I whisper. “No one would listen to me when I said I didn’t do it. They all laughed at me. I had to defend myself from assholes every single day I was in there. I got into fights more than once.” It was the scariest time of my life.

  But being here now, knowing there’s a chance Reverie could still walk away from me for good, is scarier.

  “I don’t care. It wasn’t your fault, what happened to you. If I can see that, why can’t you?” She shakes her head. “I love you, Nick. And I’m willing to fight for you. No matter what.”

  “Reverie.” I bend my head and kiss her because I flat out cannot resist her. It’s been hours since I touched her lips but it feels like days. Weeks. Years. “I gotta get you home. You can’t be here with me alone.”

  “No,” she says vehemently, shaking her head. “I don’t want to go home. I want to stay here with you.”

  I take her in. The wet clothes, the way her teeth still occasionally chatter. “You should take a shower,” I murmur, pushing her wet hair away from her forehead, noticing how chilled her skin is. I want to take care of her. Make sure she’s warm and safe and in my arms. “So you can warm up.”

  “Will you take one with me?” she asks hopefully.

  Closing my eyes, I lean into her, pressing my forehead against hers. “What are we doing?” I’m confused. She was so mad at me earlier and I can’t blame her. But now she’s here. Telling me she knows all about my past and it doesn’t matter. I should’ve trusted her more. I should’ve had faith that she’d believe in me no matter what. I almost let her get away all because I was too blind to see that she loved me enough to stand by me even though my life is a mess.

  I’m an idiot. A lucky-as-hell idiot whose been given another chance.

  “We’re making up after our second—and much bigger—fight,” she murmurs as she nuzzles my cheek with her nose. I close my eyes and pull her in closer, holding her almost desperately. Like I never want to let her go.

  Because I don’t.

  “Do your parents know where you are? That you’re even gone?” I ask.

  “Like they care. They’re too wrapped up in their own problems,” she says, making a little noise of disgust. “They know Evan and I left the house. He told them. And I told Evan I would text him when I got to my friend’s house. Which I need to do now…”

  I let go of her and she pulls her cell out of her shorts’ pocket. She types a quick text and then sets her phone on my kitchen counter before she turns to look at me. “Can I take that shower now?”

  “Yeah.” I swallow hard as I drink her in. She’s so pretty. So sweet and accepting and so goddamn perfect for me. Even though she’d deny it and get mad at me if I told her, I’m not worthy of her. Not by a long shot.

  But that’s fine. I’m not turning her away any longer. She somehow sees the good in me despite my best efforts to convince her otherwise.

  “Will you join me?” She flashes me a shy smile.

  “You really want me to?”

  She rolls her eyes. “Duh. Of course.”

  Just like that, I know everything is go
ing to be okay.

  It has to be.

  “I thought Krista was supposed to come see you tonight.” Reverie tucks her head in the spot between my neck and my shoulder, her breath wafting across my skin as she lightly scratches my bare chest with her fingers. I’m feeling good. We took a shower together, we rolled around naked in my bed together, and then we talked. A lot. About what happened to me. I told her everything I could, answering her questions and filling in the gaps, confessing my sins so to speak, and I felt cleansed. Whole again. Like I’ve got nothing left to hide.

  But I immediately tense at first mention of Krista’s name. Crazy, but I completely forgot about her and our midnight meeting. “Yeah, I was.” I glance at the clock. It’s already past one in the morning. “She was supposed to be here at midnight.”

  Reverie pulls away slightly to lift up on one elbow, looking down at me. Her hair has long ago dried and it’s extra wavy, flowing over her shoulder like a thick blond curtain. I sink my hand into the silky strands, letting it sift through my fingers and her eyelids lower to half mast. She likes it when I play with her hair. “I never heard a knock.”

  “I didn’t either.” Weird. Normally Krista would be making a scene. Kicking and cursing at the door, calling me all sorts of names until I finally answered. “Maybe the rain stopped her from coming over.”

  “I really doubt a little rain would stop her from seeing you,” she says sarcastically. “Check your phone. See if she texted or called.”

  I do as Reverie suggests, checking my cell but there’s nothing. No missed calls, no voicemail, no text messages. Not from anyone. “Nothing.”

  “Strange,” she says softly as I settle back down into bed, pulling my comforter over us. She snuggles up close to me, her head a pleasant weight on my chest as I wrap my arm around her shoulders. “I was fully prepared to fight her for you.”