Insatiable (Sex, Love, and Rock & Roll Book 3)

by Michelle Hazen

  “Look, man,” I say after another minute. “I really was just on my way out.”

  “So go.”

  I watch a plane lift into the sky in the distance, moving so slowly it looks like a prop hanging from invisible strings. I wasn’t sure if Danny had noticed me avoiding him. I guess this is my answer. Except, jeez, am I really the one who needs to apologize here? He’s the one who won’t even consider getting treatment. Should I say I’m fucking sorry for wanting him to?

  I almost say it, and then a twinge in my cracked ribs reminds me how a conversation like that would end. Instead, I move past him and prop my hands on the balcony, staring out at a city that’s not our home.

  “Do you have any regrets?” I ask Danny. It’d be kinder to punch him, but I’m not feeling kind. I’m feeling like flinging shit over the balcony. This furniture, this fucking life.

  “Regrets?”

  I turn to face him. “Things you wish you would have done. Things you wanted to do in the future.”

  His eyes narrow slightly. “What kind of stupid ass question is that?”

  “The kind of question everybody but you thinks about.” I yank at my sleeves. “I gotta go.” I don’t know where. Not to Ava’s room, not to the basement where I was going to take her. Deep down, I know exactly where I’m going, but if I don’t let the words form in my mind, I can pretend like I wasn’t planning it all along.

  The sliding patio door doesn’t even have the grace to creak as I throw it open.

  “Four months,” Danny says.

  “What?” When I glance back, he’s standing at the balcony railing, though I didn’t hear him get up.

  “When Kate left me, I waited four months for her to come back, when I could have gone after her.”

  I rub my thumb down the handle of the patio door, remembering that time. Danny was so sure if he chased her, she’d just run all the harder. I’m not entirely sure he was wrong.

  Thinking of Kate, I close the door. As much as I want to take off, I’ve got a tiny chance here to do some good, and I owe it to his wife to try.

  I join Danny at the edge of the balcony. Boxes of flowers riffle in the wind just beyond the railing, the sun beating down on the black shoulders of my formal jacket. “You know, you could have more than four months if you let the doctors do their thing.”

  His shoulders flex, and the seam in his shirt tears a little bit more. “If I get treatment, I’m going to have to leave Kate.”

  I spin. “What? Why the hell would you do that?”

  “She won’t leave me, and even if I could live with...” he hesitates, then swallows, “...with that, I won’t make her survive on half a marriage.”

  My cock is embarrassingly thick in my pants, throbbing with disuse and unease even though I’m not even really horny. The goddamn thing never leaves me alone, and I can’t even imagine what I would be like if I didn’t have to deal with it. If it just went limp one day and never came back.

  I cuff Danny roughly. “Come on, swing or something, you idiot.” I gesture at his crotch. “Buy a strap on, some toys. Who the hell cares? She loves you, man, fucking loves you. You think I wouldn’t give up my balls for something like that?” I drop my head. The truth of it makes me sick because I’m no more capable of getting that in my life than Danny is of curing his own cancer.

  He looks at me. “That’s exactly why I won’t let her live like that, for me.”

  There is no room for doubt in between his stark syllables.

  And just like that, I know it’s over. Danny knows how much freedom his wife needs. He refuses to be the reason she’s held back from anything, no matter what she says and no matter how miserable it makes him. They almost broke up over it twice before they got married, and he’s no less stubborn now. He won’t see a doctor because if the lump isn’t cancer, it won’t hurt him. If he goes and finds out it is, that’s the day he has to choose whether he’s going to die, or leave Kate.

  I stare out at the city, but I don’t see a thing, and I can’t speak. I’m as chicken as he is, because even when I know it’s probably coming, I can’t bear to say goodbye a second earlier than I have to.

  “Were you headed to see Ava?” he asks.

  The question is an uppercut when I’m already reeling. I rip a flower out of the box, shredding it in my fingers. “No.”

  “Why not?”

  I flick the shreds over the edge, not bothering to watch them fall to the sidewalk below. “You know why not.”

  “Maybe she doesn’t need to know.”

  I snort. “Remember honesty? Chicks are big on that.” Kate knew he was hiding something from her. Problem is, even if I told her his resolution now, it won’t change his mind and it’ll only make them fight.

  “They’re big on knowing you.” He pauses. “How much of what you did is who you are, Jax?”

  All of it. All of me. I haven’t done a single thing since getting sober that’s big enough to erase who I was when I was using, and Danny knows that better than anyone. I turn and lean back against the balcony, squinting against the sun now as I glance over at him. “You’re getting deep on me. You start drinking already today?”

  “I like my life, man.” His phone buzzes from his pocket—probably his wife—but he doesn’t answer it, still looking at me. “It’s not like I fucking want to die, okay? I’m just doing what I can.” He punches me in the shoulder—not lightly—and heads for the door. “No regrets.”

  I WALK DOWN THE LONG hallway toward Ava’s hotel room, concentrating on every step like it’s the first time I’ve used my legs. With every one, my instincts beg me to run and as usual, I don’t know if they’re wrong or right. It doesn’t help that the penthouse hallway is deserted, the echoing quiet of spaces that always puts my nerves on edge. It’s how empty my life would be without Danny; without my band. I should have more in my life than just my friends, and it’s only my own fault I haven’t dared to try since rehab. I didn’t want more amends to make, more relationships to mess up, but my life isn’t all about failure anymore. I won’t let it be.

  No regrets.

  I hesitate in front of her door. I just need to focus on her, not on myself. Make sure she has a good time. I raise my hand and knock, my other fist squeezing the sobriety chip I transferred into my tuxedo pocket at the last minute.

  Neither of us talked about dressing up, but when Ava opens her hotel room door, diamonds glitter in her hair. The color is her natural black for once. Relief tingles through me at the sight, even as I suppress the urge to reach out and touch the tiny curl that hangs at her temple. She did all this for me.

  “You’re late.” She clings to the edge of the door, not coming all the way out. “I was starting to think you were making a habit of running out on me.”

  “Nah. I was turning over a new leaf. Took a little longer than I expected.” I put on my movie-star smile, desperate to cover my racing heart and twitching skin. I’m not steady enough to be here right now. But like Danny said, I’m doing what I can.

  Ava takes a tiny step out from behind the door. She tugs at her skirt, straightening the waistband. “It’s okay. I decided to change my dress at the last minute anyway, so I was running late, too.”

  I pull my gaze away from the shadows in her eyes and drop them to her outfit. It’s softer than what she usually wears, but just as unforgettable. The dress drapes in a deep Grecian V from a tiny halter chain, flowing into a weightless chiffon skirt that brightens from white to spikes of deep amethyst, ruby, flame orange. The color changes are so subtle it seems like an optical illusion when the movement of her legs swirls out breaths of fabric, displaying the vivid dyes at the hem.

  “You look absolutely incredible.” I throw a hand out to stop the door before it latches itself. “But wait, what were you wearing before? What could you possibly have thought was better than this?”

  Ava grabs my arm. “None of your business.”

  I flare my eyes at her, dipping my other arm around her waist to spin her away
from the door so I can duck inside. “Yeah, I absolutely have to know now.”

  Ava squeaks a protest, jumping around in front of me with a haste that doesn’t match the elegance of her fairy dress at all. “A gentleman doesn’t pry into a lady’s preparations.” She spreads her arms to block me, her slender muscles flexing more seriously than her tone.

  Dean looks up from the couch, where he’s video-chatting on an iPad. “You want me to break his legs?” he asks cheerfully.

  “I’ll go quietly!” I take one of Ava’s outstretched hands, kissing her slender fingers so she relaxes it into my grip. And as soon as she drops her guard, I take off sprinting down the hallway, my slick-soled dress shoes squeaking on the marble tiles.

  “You jerk!” she yelps, and comes after me. I push faster, laughing. Her suite is bigger than mine and I’m running blind. Fortunately, my shoe slips outside an open doorway and when I catch myself on the frame, I glimpse a telltale tumble of fabric from inside.

  Ava grabs my shoulder. “You complete ass, get out of my room!”

  The dress lays abandoned across the bed. It’s a wet dream in leather and lace, short enough to flirt with the tops of her thighs in front and dropping to a train skirt in the rear. The neckline is a peephole edged in sharp fingers of lace, and closing in a dramatic mandarin collar at her throat. The torso is all crisscrossed severe leather straps that would suck her waist in painfully tight, and the whole affect is so on-brand it might as well have an AVA logo printed across the chest.

  I turn, ignoring Ava’s glare. “Good choice. That?” I hook a thumb into the room behind me. “Is sexy as hell. But this?” I let my gaze brush down her body. “Is perfect.”

  Her expression softens, but she covers it with a quick pout. “Come on,” she huffs, tucking a hand through my arm, which I bend quickly into the proper escorting position before I lose her touch. “You better have something epic planned to make up for that little stunt, Sterling.”

  “Mmm,” I hum, the nerves abruptly returning. “I don’t know. I bet you’re a hard girl to please.”

  “You might be surprised.” She glances away before I can decide how to take that.

  We cross through the living room again, Dean’s eyes following me the whole way. Somewhere along the line I must have graduated past ominous looming and into just the death-glare level of the bodyguard’s approval. Good to know. I reach to open the door for her with my left hand, trying to manage it gracefully enough that she won’t let go of my arm.

  She glances back into the hotel. “Am I going to need a wrap for wherever we’re going?”

  I give her a wounded look and lead her through the door. “And ruin my shot at gallantly lending you my jacket? Way to take away yet another of my measly chances to win points, Ave.”

  She squeezes my arm, giggling as she lets the door fall closed behind us. “Sorry, sorry. I’ll at least give you a pity-shiver opening later, promise. Though it’s going to be hard since we’re going to ‘dinner’ at two o’clock in the afternoon.”

  “Shh,” I raise a finger to my lips. “Ruining the magic here. And it was either 2 p.m. or a.m. Man’s gotta make a living, you know.”

  “Yeah, speaking of your band...” She stops at the elevator without pushing the call button and peeks up at me, biting her lip. “The dress wasn’t the only reason I was running late.”

  “You were late because of my band?” I hit the button, taking longer than I should to figure it out because I’m distracted by the elation of having not yet fucked up. Ava’s being the perfect audience to wake up my performer’s blood. Maybe flirting is really the same, whether you’re trying to get a girl into bed or something more than that.

  “Danny was here earlier.”

  “What?” I frown down at her, uncertain if I heard that right.

  She lets go of my arm, fussing with her skirt. “He apologized. I think he did, anyway.” The elevator comes and I follow her on without feeling the steps my feet are taking.

  “What do you mean you think he apologized?”

  “It was weird. He said, ‘I don’t actually think you’re a slut.’ And I said, ‘Super, because I don’t think you’re as much of a dick as you’ve been acting like.’” She sighs. “Like I said, it was weird. Then he gave me this quiet nod, like that was supposed to mean something I didn’t get, and he left.”

  “Yeah, wow.” I punch the button for the lobby. “You’re right, that was an apology. As much of one as he ever gives, anyway.”

  “I am overwhelmed by his contrition.” Her voice is dry, but she must not be too offended because a second later she nudges me with her shoulder. “C’mon, you were all mysterious about this date and then you just hit the lobby button?” She pretends to snore. “Bo-ring...”

  I grin, a wisp of her perfume lingering on my jacket from where she touched me. “I was going to blindfold you, but I figured leading you down twenty flights of stairs was not a great idea, especially considering the shoes you like to wear.”

  “Good choice. These would have been the death of me for sure.” She pulls up her skirt just enough to poke out a death-defying stiletto, gunmetal black with a silver snake winding up the heel, coiling behind her heel with a hissing face and ruby-red eyes. Guessing those sexy little things were meant to match her discarded heavy-metal dress. I avert my eyes like I just caught an accidental glimpse of her lingerie.

  The fabric of her skirt drifts in an imaginary breeze, tumbling over itself to wind around my ankle. Even through the barrier of my pants and socks, the weightless touch is enough to prickle fantasies all the way up my leg. It’s not until my dick starts to harden that I realize it’s left me alone for the past few minutes, the constant ache eased by nothing more than Ava’s soft teasing and bright smile.

  I clear my throat. “I think your dress likes me.”

  Ava snorts, taking a step away and giving the chiffon a quelling jerk. “Sure thing, Romeo. It can’t resist you. Now where’s my surprise?”

  I step off the elevator and lead her toward the service stairs with a practiced smirk. “You ready for this?” I am not at all sure of my gamble, but I’m also not a moron. Twenty-six years of liking to get laid have taught me a thing or two about what women want. They want to be surprised. They want to feel special. They want you to be attentive, but not clingy. Sweet, but not too careful.

  I’m so busy running down the list in my head, hesitating over which boxes I’ve checked, that I miss it when Ava takes the first step down the stairs without me. I swoop in behind her and boost her up over my shoulder, my ribs tweaking painfully when in my haste, I fail to use proper lifting form.

  Spontaneity, check.

  Ava flinches, sucking in a breath.

  “Are you okay?” I rush to ask, and then squeeze my eyes shut. Right, because the conquering alpha male always stops to check in after he sweeps his kidnapped lady over his broad shoulder.

  “You so do not have to carry me down the stairs,” she laughs.

  I start down the steps, carefully controlling my breathing to try to salvage the moment. “I do, actually. Because I couldn’t find a blindfold, and when I tried to borrow one from Kate, it had pink feathers on it. No way was I touching that thing.”

  Ava laughs harder, her belly quaking against my shoulder. It’s kind of a nice feeling. “I always suspected that girl was kinky. You think Danny uses that weird little nod on her?”

  I start to chuckle so suddenly I have to grip the stair railing to steady myself. “Shit, don’t make me laugh.”

  Ava pinches my butt, unperturbed. “You drop me, you lose all the points, Cave-boy.”

  I bend my knees and set her down, laughing hard enough my ribs make it almost impossible to straighten back up again. “Dammit, you’re hard to impress.”

  “Not if you know me,” she murmurs, reaching up to smooth the hairs that just got pulled free from my short, formal ponytail. Her lips are soft and naked of lipstick, the slightest hint of a smile touching them. She’s so close, but I
know it’s too soon to kiss her. That’s supposed to be for the end of the night, once I’ve proven myself, not for the start. She finishes and flicks my collar casually. “’Bout time I found a crack in your golden boy act, what with the large, anonymous donation to my Girls Kick Ass charity, and the roses to my hotel this afternoon and all the toting me around and crap. It was getting a little alarming.”

  I gape for a half-second before I start to laugh again. “Okay, well in that case...” I swivel us back toward the stairs. “McDonalds is this way. But keep it to the dollar menu.”

  She pokes me in the side. “No way. You brought me down to this dank, dark basement. You better do something with me.”

  My cock flexes eagerly in my pants, and I swallow. I’m so lost here. She can obviously tell when I’m checking off boxes, but I’m not sure how to go about this without a plan.

  I want to slip my hands under the soft, swirling fabric of her dress. I want a kiss like the one she gave me in the alley. I want a goddamned second date. But I’ve learned all too well I can’t trust any of my instincts. Which means the plan that brought us here is probably doomed to fail.

  When I don’t move, Ava takes a look around at the dimly lit hallway we’re standing in. Per my instructions, all the non-stairwell lights have been turned off, so she can’t see much. There’s a storage area to the left that smells faintly like mildewed mops, and a different kind of light glowing from farther down the hall.

  “What’s that?” She tiptoes closer to the odd light, and then glances back. “If something jumps out at me, I’m totally going to have your balls. I know enough jiu-jitsu to make it happen.”

  I take a step forward. Maybe I should claim it was a joke and take her to a restaurant. If I call Kate, she could probably get us reservations someplace cool on short notice, even if she will bust my chops a little for chickening out.

  “Oh my God.” Ava stops in the doorway, both hands rising to her mouth. Her skirt drifts sweetly around her ankles, like the froth of an invisible ocean. Slowly, I move toward her, since it’s obviously too late to back out.