Tomorrow's Lullaby

by Lindzee Armstrong

  As soon as she was home, Sienna made the phone call. It rang only once before Kyra picked up.

  “How’s Nana today?” Sienna asked.

  “Still delirious.” Kyra sighed. “I don’t think she even knew who I was yesterday.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “I don’t know if she’s going to get better this time.”

  Sienna did rapid finger exercises over the bedspread. “How are the kids doing?”

  “Okay. We’ve tried to keep things upbeat, and they don’t really understand what’s happening with Nana. Want to talk to them? We were just getting Hunter ready for a nap, but he can talk for a few minutes.”

  “I’d love to.”

  “Just a sec.” A moment later, Sienna heard the muffled sounds of a phone changing hands.

  “Sina!” A string of gibberish followed, the voice garbled and excited.

  Sienna’s heart ached. “Hey, Hunter. Did you have fun at church today?”

  More gibberish. Sienna didn’t mind. She closed her eyes and imaged Hunter’s round face and soft blonde curls. The way it felt when he wrapped his arms around her neck in a hug. She missed him so much. It hurt nearly as much to be away from him as it did to be with him. She’d waited for the pain to disappear over the last two years, but it had only dulled.

  “That’s awesome,” Sienna said, though she had no idea what she was responding to. “I love you, Hunter. I miss you.”

  “Hunter’s playing with a car,” Sophie announced. “He gave the phone to me.”

  Sienna talked for a few minutes with Sophie, then asked, “Can you give the phone back to your mom, Soph? I need to talk to her.”

  “Sure,” Sophie said. “Love you, Aunt Sienna.”

  “I love you too. Give Hunter a big hug and kiss from me and tell him to give you one, too.”

  “Did you make out any of that?” Kyra asked, amusement in her voice. “He’s speaking a little clearer, but I still can’t decipher half of what he says.”

  “I think I heard the word ‘bubbles,’ and that’s about it.”

  Kyra laughed. “Yeah, they have a bubble machine in nursery that he absolutely loves. So tell me more about school. Are you enjoying your classes?”

  Dr. Stone kept urging her to leave Hunter’s Lullaby alone, and Sienna’s practice sessions were being overrun by stress. She rose from her bed and started pacing. “Classes are great. Listen, Kyra. I actually have something to talk to you about. It’s important.”

  “Of course.” Kyra’s voice was steeped in concern. The next words were muffled, as though she’d pulled the phone away from her mouth. “David, watch the kids for a second, ‘kay? I’m going upstairs to talk to Sienna.” A moment later, Sienna heard a click. “Okay, I’m alone now.”

  Sienna massaged her forehead. “I probably should’ve waited until the kids were in bed and called when both you and David could talk. Sorry, I’m not handling this very well.”

  “Sienna, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?”

  “Dane came to see me last week.”

  Silence flooded the line.

  Sienna rushed to explain. “I was going to tell you last week, but then you told me about Nana. It didn’t seem like the right time. But I couldn’t put it off any longer.”

  “I don’t understand. I thought you two weren’t talking?”

  “We weren’t. Aren’t. But last Monday, I got a phone call from him out of the blue. He said he was in town for a game and wanted to see me. Kyra, he wants to see Hunter.”

  A strangled gasp echoed over the phone line. “I don’t understand. He wanted nothing to do with him.”

  “I’m as surprised as you. Apparently, he was injured a few months ago and is having some sort of existential crisis now that he’s realized he can’t play football forever. I told him if he wanted to talk, he should contact you through the agency. But I wanted to give you a heads up.”

  “Wow. I don’t know how I feel about this.”

  “That makes two of us.” Sienna would never erase Hunter from her life. Without Dane, there’d be no Hunter. But she desperately wished she could remove Dane from the equation.

  “He hasn’t contacted us once in two years. We’ve never even met him.”

  “I know.”

  “We couldn’t even track him down to sign the adoption paperwork.”

  The stress of those chaotic last months of her pregnancy flooded back, and anger came with it. “Yeah, he sucks.”

  “What do you think? You know him better than me.”

  “I think he’s a self-centered jerk. I think he had his chance to be part of Hunter’s life and shouldn’t get another one.” Sienna sighed, kicking her backpack. “But that’s not my call. I haven’t talked to him in two years. Maybe he’s changed.”

  “Why now? Do you really think it’s just the football thing, or does he want something from us?”

  “I’m not sure. I know he had a full-ride scholarship when he left for Alabama State, and his parents are well enough off to help out with housing and incidentals. I doubt he’s going to ask for money.” Despite the illegality of such a thing, Sienna knew of situations where that had happened. “But Dane’s flaky. He constantly changes his mind and flits from one thing to the next. I think he does sincerely want to meet Hunter right now. I showed him a picture, and he got a little emotional. But in six months? I don’t know.”

  “Thanks for the heads up. I’ll talk to David and see what we want to do. Maybe Dane won’t even contact us.”

  “Maybe, but I wouldn’t bank on it. He keeps texting and calling me. What should I tell him?”

  “That he’s more than welcome to contact us through the agency to discuss the possibility, but I’m making no promises. We love having you in our lives, Sienna. But you’ve been there from the beginning. In ten years, we know you’ll still be here. Dane’s an unknown. We have to do what’s best for Hunter.”

  “I know. Sorry I wasn’t calling with better news.” It was irrational, but Sienna felt guilty, like she should’ve picked a better bio dad for Hunter.

  You should’ve waited until you were an adult in a committed relationship, Sienna reminded herself. But then that baby probably wouldn’t have been Hunter, and he wouldn’t be Kyra and David’s son.

  “Let’s talk about something less stressful,” Kyra said. “Have you met any cute guys lately?”

  “Actually, yes.” Sienna thought of the tense two hours at church, and her stress mounted.

  “Nice! Who is he?”

  If only it were so simple. “Remember Jared from last semester? I’m dating him again. And I’m dating someone new as well.”

  “Two guys?”

  Sienna groaned. “I know. His name is Aaron. He’s a graphic design major, and we go to the same church.”

  “Tell me about him.”

  Sienna lay back on her bed and told Kyra about their date, and the awkward two hours at church today.

  “Aaron sounds sweet,” Kyra said. “I’m so happy for you. They both sound like great guys.”

  “Thanks.” Sienna swallowed the lump in her throat. Kyra genuinely loved her, and that love could be felt even through the phone line. “I don’t know if anything will come of either relationship, but I’m going out with both of them again this week.”

  “That’s such good news. Keep me posted, okay?”

  “Okay. And give Hunter a kiss for me and tell him I love him.” Sienna blinked back the tears. “Sophie too. I miss you guys so much.”

  “We’ll see you at Thanksgiving. It’s our year to stay in Utah with David’s family.”

  “I’m already counting down. Give Nana my love.”

  They said their goodbyes and hung up. Sienna stared at the cell phone in her hand, wondering what Kyra and David would decide to do about Dane. A big part of her hoped they’d tell him to take a hike. But would that be the best thing for Hunter?

  She groaned, burying her face in a pillow. How had life gotten so complicated?

&n
bsp; Sienna raised a fist and tentatively knocked on Aaron’s door. School had been in session for a couple of weeks now, but this week was their first viewing assignment. She wasn’t quite sure what to expect.

  A moment later, the door swung open. “Welcome,” Aaron said, motioning her inside.

  “Thanks.” Sienna hooked her fingers through her backpack straps, looking around. The apartment more or less had the same layout as hers, only flipped. It was much cleaner than she’d expected from a guy’s apartment. The small counter was clear, the outside of the refrigerator free of magnets or papers. The living room carpet had vacuum lines, and the couch’s tan fabric was free of stains and food crumbs. A small end table held a few neatly stacked textbooks.

  “Nice apartment,” Sienna said.

  “Thanks. The others should be here soon. I’m just getting the popcorn ready.”

  “Yummy. What can I do to help?”

  Aaron motioned to a cupboard. “Want to grab some water for everyone? Cups are in that cupboard, and there should be enough ice in the freezer.”

  Sienna pulled out five glasses and set them on the counter, then grabbed the ice tray from the fridge and cracked it to release the cubes. “Is your roommate working tonight?”

  “Yes. He was super disappointed too when I told him what the show was. Ready for The Twilight Zone?”

  “Absolutely. If it weren’t for all the ridiculously hard quizzes Professor Callahan gives out, this class would almost be fun. I mean, c’mon. How hard can it be to watch Seinfeld or Cheers or The Cosby Show? But his quizzes are rough.”

  “I think I’m most excited to watch M*A*S*H. I used to watch that with my grandma when she would babysit me growing up.”

  “I’ve never seen that show.”

  “I think you’ll like it. How did your lesson go today?”

  Sienna sighed, turning on the faucet. “Dr. Stone kind of got mad at me for spending practice time on a personal composition. I’ve been working on it for two years, and he thinks it’s time to move on.”

  Aaron folded his arms, giving her his full attention. “The song must be important to you.”

  “It is.” She looked down at the counter, tracing a crack in the Formica with her finger. “But he’s right—I should work on something new. Every time I try to start a new composition, though, my mind goes blank.”

  “Why do you think that is?”

  She shrugged. She knew Pastor Tanner would say it was because she felt too connected to the past. But was that such a bad thing?

  It is if you can’t move on, a voice whispered in her mind.

  “I just feel really connected to that song,” Sienna said. “Nothing else has come close yet.”

  “That must be hard.”

  Aaron’s phone interrupted them with a shrill ring. He grabbed it off the counter and glanced at the number. “Hang on, it’s my mom. She’ll keep calling until I answer . . . Hey, Mom.”

  The microwave beeped, and Sienna grabbed the bag of popcorn.

  “What?” Aaron leaned back against the counter, his free arm folded across his chest. “And you’re just now telling me about this? I would’ve come . . . you told them and not me?”

  Sienna opened the bag of microwave popcorn and dumped it slowly into a bowl.

  “Because I deserve to know,” Aaron said. “Well, is he okay now? Yeah . . . yeah. Maybe I can drive home next weekend to check on him. Okay, okay. I won’t come. Fine. Bye.” He hung up the phone and angrily tossed it back on the counter.

  “Everything okay?” Sienna asked.

  “Yes. No. It’s my dad. He’s been in the hospital for the last couple of days. Really bad kidney stones.”

  “I’m so sorry. My mom had those once, and she was completely miserable. Is he okay?”

  “Yeah, he’s home now. But they had to do surgery, and this is the first I’m hearing about it. I’m always the last to know in my family. My three sisters have been by his side all week, and here I was at school, totally unaware of what was going on.”

  “Why didn’t they tell you?” Sienna couldn’t imagine her own parents keeping something like that from her.

  “Mom said they didn’t want to distract me from my classes since it wasn’t serious. But it makes me feel like I’m not a part of the family.”

  Sienna placed a gentle hand on his arm. “I’m sorry they didn’t tell you. I would be really upset, too.”

  A knock echoed through the apartment, effectively ending their conversation.

  For the next three hours, Sienna sat next to Aaron and watched episodes of The Twilight Zone. A notebook sat nearly empty in her lap. She couldn’t concentrate. Aaron’s arm kept brushing against hers, sending tingles everywhere. Heat radiated off his body, and electricity sizzled between them.

  But her mind kept wandering back to what he’d said—I’m not a part of the family. His eyes had been stormy, the ache in his voice too real to ignore.

  Did his adoptive family really treat him differently? Was he an outsider?

  After discussing the episodes and comparing notes, the three other group members got ready to leave. Sienna cleared cups off the end table while Aaron said goodbye to the others.

  “You don’t need to do that,” Aaron said.

  “I’m not going to let you clean up everything yourself.” Sienna put the stopper in the sink and turned on the water, squirting dish soap into it. The apartments didn’t have dishwashers, so everything had to be cleaned by hand.

  For the next few minutes, Sienna washed the few bowls and cups in comfortable silence while Aaron dumped popcorn kernels and napkins in the trash and straightened up the living room. Sienna shut off the water, and she and Aaron dried the dishes and put them away.

  “Thanks for helping,” Aaron said.

  “Of course.” Sienna rested a hand on his arm. Sparks seemed to fly from his skin to hers, and she had to make a conscious effort to not rush her breathing. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah.” Aaron threaded his fingers through hers. “I wish I didn’t feel like such an afterthought in my own family. My childhood was . . . difficult.”

  “Didn’t your parents treat you well?” She couldn’t imagine a couple going through the pain and struggle of adoption, and then not loving their child with everything they had.

  “They tried their best, and I know they love me. But my dad was always disappointed I wasn’t into sports, like they’d accidentally picked the wrong child to adopt. I’m sure they don’t do it intentionally, but they treat me differently than my sisters.”

  “Maybe it’s because you’re a boy and they’re girls.”

  “I wish that’s all it was. They’re always reminding me I’m adopted in subtle ways—the Spanish lessons I told you about, shoving Mexican culture down my throat, that sort of thing. Sometimes I wonder if my birth mother made the right choice.”

  Sienna yanked her hand away, like she’d been burned. “I’m sure she did what she thought was best for you.”

  “Yeah, that’s what everyone always tells me. But I’m not sure I believe it. Am I better off in a dysfunctional adoptive family than I would’ve been with a single mom?” He shrugged. “I don’t know. But it’s something I think about all the time.”

  “Have you ever met your birth mother?” Sienna was pretty sure she already knew the answer.

  “No. It was a closed adoption, and the records were sealed. I don’t even know her name.” His voice cracked. “But I’m going to find her. I need to understand why she didn’t care enough to raise me.”

  “I hope you do find her. I’m sure she’d love to answer your questions.”

  She held out her arms. Aaron went into them willingly, the hurt radiating off him in waves. Her heart ached for him. Would Hunter one day stand in his kitchen, hugging a girl and telling her how much adoption hurt?

  No. She’d made the right decision. Her situation wasn’t the same. She had a relationship with Hunter. He’d be able to ask the hard questions when he was old enough to crave
answers.

  She hoped Aaron would find his birth mom. She hoped answers would help him find peace.

  Aaron dropped a kiss on her forehead, then pulled away from her embrace. “I’m sorry to unload on you.”

  “Don’t be.”

  “It’s getting late. Let me walk you home.”

  Aaron kept the conversation light, talking about funny scenes from The Twilight Zone. Sienna followed his lead and even managed to make him laugh. But her heart was heavy.

  If she decided to keep dating Aaron, how would she ever tell him about Hunter?

  The next morning, Sienna met Aaron at their usual spot.

  “How are you doing today?” she asked as they walked to class.

  “Okay. I talked to my dad for a while last night. He can’t figure out why I’m so mad no one told me he was in the hospital. We must’ve argued about it for ten minutes. He kept saying he wasn’t in mortal danger, and they didn’t want to distract me.”

  “They were trying to protect you.” Even if she didn’t agree with that decision.

  “I know. But it doesn’t feel like protection. It feels like betrayal.”

  “Sounds like the lyrics to a pop song,” Sienna teased. She was desperate to bring back the happy-go-lucky Aaron she’d come to know over the past few weeks. She didn’t like seeing him hurt.

  “I’m going to post a photo on social media with everything I know about my birth and see if I can get it circling. I’ve seen it work for others.”

  “I think that’s a great idea.”

  “I told my parents, and they acted supportive. It kind of surprised me, to be honest. I thought they’d be upset.”

  “They love you,” Sienna said. “They want you to be happy.”

  “I hope I’m not giving you the wrong idea about my family. I love them, too, obviously. But I’ve really struggled to find my identity.”

  Sienna knew what that was like, at least a little. “Adoption isn’t easy for anyone. But I think most birth moms really do believe they’re making the right decision.”

  Sienna’s phone rang, and she pulled it out of pocket. Ugh. Dane was starting early this morning. She sent the call to voice mail. Perhaps it was petty, but she still hadn’t told him Kyra’s decision, figuring he deserved to sweat it out.