No Good Deed

by Goldy Moldavsky

  “Is everything alright with you, Children?”

  “Jimmy, I can help you. I’ve got all the answers now and I have one thing to tell you and it’s going to blow your mind, so listen carefully.” I grabbed his shoulders and leaned in. “Don’t worry. Be happy.” I laughed and laughed and lau—

  * * *

  Were my nostrils getting smaller?

  I could swear my nostrils were getting smaller. Jimmy was gone, so I couldn’t ask him to confirm, and I spun around, searching for someone else to help me. There must be someone else in the woods.

  “You almost stepped on me!”

  I froze and looked down, searching for the tiny yet deep voice that had just spoken to me. “Ashley?”

  “Do I sound like an Ashley to you?”

  A rock. I dropped to my knees, slack-jawed, staring at this egg-sized gray stone. Had it just spoken to me? Was I that high? “Was that … you? Did a rock just talk to me?”

  “No, you idiot. It was me.” A salamander scurried by, and I nearly fell back at the shock of his bright orange color. And the shock of him talking to me. He looked exactly like the salamander that had been on Ashley’s shoulder the night I had first talked to her.

  “Yep, that was me that night.”

  “You can hear my thoughts?”

  “Obviously.”

  “I’m tripping balls,” I said.

  “You and me both, kid,” said my new salamander friend.

  This was incredible. I’d never spoken to a salamander before. And one had never spoken back. I wondered if Ashley spoke to salamanders. She probably had long conversations with them all the time. I wondered if they all sounded like Allan Sherman.

  “Hey, what’s your name?” I said.

  “Gaspard.”

  “GASPARD!” I said. “WHAT A WONDERFUL NAME.” I sat back, realizing what I’d just said. It was exactly what Ashley said anytime anyone ever told her their name, even if it was a shitty name.

  Whoa.

  Was Ashley always on this stuff?

  Is this what she felt like all the time?

  Because what I felt was serene peace. And also wisdom. I knew everything there was to know in the universe, and I knew no shame. Also, I felt acutely aware that me and Gaspard were about to become best friends forever and I was excited about that. Maybe Ashley was on this stuff all the time.

  “Kid, I don’t got all day,” Gaspard said.

  “WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING HERE?” I said. “IN MY DRUG-INDUCED SPIRITUAL JOURNEY, I MEAN?”

  “I’m here to answer your deepest questions,” Gaspard the salamander said. “You only get five and you already wasted ’em all.”

  “WHAT?” I said. “THAT’S TOTALLY NOT FAIR. I DIDN’T KNOW.”

  Gaspard crawled around in a circle, thinking of what to do with me while I sat, distraught over this arbitrary five-question rule. The weird thing about this tea was that it could make me feel so good one minute, but when I felt bad, I felt really bad. My stomach was starting to hurt with the idea that I’d just squandered all my questions. I thought I was going to cry. Also, all of my words were coming out in capital letters. I had to tone it down.

  “Alright already, calm down,” Gaspard said. He stopped moving and faced me, slamming his little salamander hand into the dirt, which didn’t even make a sound at all, though I could tell by his exasperated tone that that was his intention. “I’ll give you one more question.”

  “THANK YOU!”

  “I got all the answers to the universe, kid, so you better think hard about what you wanna ask.”

  There was so much I wanted to know. Would I ever make anything of myself? Would I have an impact on the world? Would I be great one day, like my heroes? Did my life have meaning? But maybe most important, the question that I asked myself all the time and that weighed most heavily on my mind was this one: Was I ever going to get laid? But when I thought all those things through, I realized they were selfish questions. I couldn’t just ask about me.

  I couldn’t be selfish. I had to ask about others—about my friends, about this camp, the world, the universe. I locked eyes with Gaspard, and we were practically nose to nose. I got ready to ask the most important question of my life.

  “Are we going to be okay?” I whispered.

  Gaspard stared back at me hard, and I held my breath in anticipation of what he would say.

  “Yes,” Gaspard said. “You and Ashley will be okay.”

  I froze in place and so did the rest of the world. The trees stopped dancing and the wind stopped singing just as all of my breath left me, because now I knew. Thanks to what Gaspard had just said, I knew.

  I was in love with Ashley Woodstone.

  It was so clear to me. Maybe it was the tea, or maybe it was just a truth that I’d been too blind to see, but I loved Ashley Woodstone. The realization hit me like a stick crashing against my skull.

  And then I stood up and a stick literally crashed against my skull.

  I blacked out.

  I blinked my eyes open, trying to get my bearings. I had no idea how long I’d been out. I was in a tent, that much was clear. I was sitting on the ground with my hands tied behind my back. Actually, they were tied to a pole behind my back. I didn’t know where the pole came from or what it was attached to. Was it the tetherball pole? Probably.

  Before me stood my captors, Feminism, Down With Styrofoam, and Clean Air, their stony faces hidden behind a generous slathering of red face paint. Or, I hoped it was face paint. Were they part of my hallucinations? Was I still high? I wanted Gaspard back.

  “I found him trying to infiltrate the girls’ headquarters,” one of the girls said. I wasn’t sure who it was. I had a headache from the blunt trauma to the head, and I was growing increasingly hungry.

  “Girls’ headquarters?” I said. “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “Are you really trying to act all innocent?” Feminism said. She was close enough to me that I felt her spittle landing on my cheek. She yanked on my cape. “How do you explain this?!”

  “It’s a cape,” I stammered. “Lots of people wear them, okay?”

  “It’s kind of weird when you’re shirtless.”

  Right. Forgot about that. “That I can’t actually explain.”

  Feminism let my cape go and went back to stand next to her friends. “A red cape, which just happens to be our team color. Obviously he was trying to cross into our territory unnoticed. Lucky we got him.”

  Down With Styrofoam came to stand over me, her short blonde hair jutting out from underneath the red bandana tied around her head. “What was your objective here?”

  “I have no idea what’s going on,” I said.

  “What’s the boys’ plan?”

  “Boys’ plan? I do—” Oh. It was coming to me. In all the hoopla with Ashley’s magic tea and meeting Gaspard, I’d forgotten what was going on today. “You tied me up for Capture the Flag?”

  “Don’t answer my question with another question!” Down With Styrofoam yelled. Feminism held her back with an outstretched arm, keeping her from lunging at me. She seemed to calm down a bit. “And as for whether we tied you up for Capture the Flag? You’re damn right we did! Just like we tied up Hakim and Neville and countless other boys in countless other tents, because we’re everywhere!”

  Hakim and Neville. They were counselors. The girls had captured counselors. This camp had officially gone to hell.

  “But you found our headquarters,” Down With Styrofoam said. “How?”

  “I was in the middle of the woods,” I said, my voice raspy. “The only reason I found your headquarters is because you brought me here.”

  “I knew we should’ve picked another place,” Feminism said, more to herself than for my benefit. “The playing fields are too vulnerable to attack.”

  “I know how we can get him to talk,” Clean Air said. “He has a huge crush on Poe. Pretty sure she can get anything out of him.”

  “I do not have a huge crush on Poe
,” I said.

  “He so does,” Feminism said. “It’s pathetic. I’ll go find her.”

  “No need to do that!” I said, but Feminism had already left. Poe was not going to get anything out of me. And not just because there was nothing to get out of me. I didn’t have a crush on her. Anymore. But I also did not want her seeing me like this: tied up, weak, too skinny in all my shirtless glory, and quite possibly still tripping balls. I thought it’d passed, but then I realized the tent probably wasn’t actually breathing.

  “Well,” Down With Styrofoam said. “We’ve got more boys to take down.”

  “And a flag to find,” I said.

  “Sure. Whatever,” Down With Styrofoam said. “See ya around.” She and Clean Air headed toward the tent opening.

  “Wait!” I said. “You can’t just leave me here. I’m so hungry! I could die!”

  Down and Clean looked at me for a moment, considering. Then they both shrugged and stepped out of the tent.

  I was alone and probably going to die of hunger. I prayed for someone from the boys’ team to sneak in here and rescue me. Wasn’t that someone’s job? And then she appeared at the opening.

  “Poe,” I said. It came out more like a sigh, which I realized too late probably confirmed the rumor that I was crushing on her, but whatever, I was relieved to see someone.

  “Hey, Gregor,” she said. She sat down next to me. “So apparently I’m supposed to ask you for top secret info.”

  “I promise you I know nothing.”

  “That much is obvious,” she said, laughing. “It’s cool; I already know where your flag is. I saw it sticking out of Rights’s pants. Which is totally cheating. And gross because it’ll force one of us to go in there to get it. I can assure you that will not be pleasant for him.”

  “If you already know where it is, then why haven’t you told the other girls?”

  “Because we’ve been capturing a lot of you. And gender neutrality and equal rights aside, I kind of like seeing boys all tied up.”

  “You’re not letting me go, are you?”

  She shook her head, and I slumped back against my heaving pole.

  “Listen,” Poe said. She was distracted by something in her hand. A candy wrapper, one of those gum ones that had a funny joke. She was reading it, I could tell. Her eyes roved in a line, her lips upturned in amusement. It was good to know I was as interesting to her as a dumb joke on the side of a gum wrapper. I thought about asking her for the gum, actually. But, as usual, I was doing too much thinking and not enough doing, because she popped the pink cube into her mouth. “I’m sorry about the other night, in the woods. I shouldn’t have teased you like that.”

  “Teased me?” I tried to laugh it off. The thought of us the other night was making me even more uncomfortable than I already was, tied up to a pole. “You didn’t … It was … It’s fine.”

  “It’s just, when I know that someone likes me, I want to know just how much. You know what I mean?”

  “Poe, rest assured that I do not like you.”

  She finally looked up from the wrapper, her brows knitting together.

  “I mean, you’re a great person, but I don’t like you like you,” I said. I couldn’t even remember why I had liked her to begin with. She was pretty, but other than that, I could officially say that I was definitely no longer attracted to Poe. Also, she smoked, which was gross—not to say that people suffering from nicotine addiction were gross. “Anyway, let’s just be honest and say everything we mean. It wouldn’t have mattered whether or not I ever liked you because you’re a lesbian.”

  “I’m bisexual.”

  “Of course you are,” I said through gritted teeth. “Well, that explains you and Win.”

  “Me and Win?” Poe snorted. “We hang out because Win has a vested interest in my campaign.”

  I was still tripping, so even though this should have been totally clear to me at this point, my brain was still taking way too long to process things. I must have been staring at Poe blankly.

  “Tell me you knew that Win—your own bunkmate—is gay.”

  I coughed. I did not know that. “Of course I knew that.” It made sense that Win was gay. It completed the whole perfect picture. “I’m sure he doesn’t appreciate you outing him, though.”

  “Dude, Win is out and proud.”

  This was starting to get embarrassing. “You know what? It’s fine. Like I said, I don’t have a crush on you, so there’s no need to keep talking about this.”

  She nodded, full-on staring at me. Her eyes were laser focused, bewitching. Her smile grew larger, and my cheeks must have been turning purple by now. She had the look of someone who was very in control. And here I was, shirtless, in a cape, and grinding against a pole. I thought maybe she was the type of girl who liked seeing me squirm. “You know what would be awesome right now, Poe? Setting me free.”

  “Nah, this is more fun.”

  “Psst!”

  Poe and I turned toward the opening. “Ashley!” we both said at the same time.

  Her hair was wild, and so were her eyes, and I was in love with her.

  “Gregor!” she said, breathless. “I found you.” She stepped inside, and I could tell by the way her eyebrows scrunched and her smile fell that she was instantly aware that this was a shady situation. She hurried to my side. “What’s going on? Are you okay? Why are you all tied up? Who has won the most Oscars in acting?”

  “Meryl Streep!”

  “No! Katharine Hepburn! Quick, he needs air!”

  It seemed she was always there to rescue me. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

  “I’ll untie him!” Poe said. Ashley held out her hand and I grabbed hold of it, letting her help me up.

  “Ashley, wait, do you wanna hang out or something?” Poe said.

  I’d never seen her so flustered.

  “Not right now, Poe!” Ashley said. “We gotta get out of here.”

  I followed Ashley out of the tent.

  Ashley and I ran.

  Somehow, we were holding hands. Or I guess I should say we were still holding hands from when she rescued me. And as we traversed through the playing fields and headed back toward the woods where the two of us belonged, it was like we held on because we needed each other.

  Holy shit, I was tripping balls.

  That had to be the only explanation for the purple prose of my mind. And also the only explanation for why I saw at least a dozen boys running and five girls chasing after them, holding in their hands very large, blunt objects. One of the girls was holding what appeared to be a bone.

  An actual please-don’t-let-it-be-human bone.

  “What kind of Capture the Flag game is this?” I asked Ashley, ahead of me. I was shouting to hear my own voice over the shouts and yelps and battle cries. “It’s Lord of the Flies out here!”

  Ashley turned to me while running. “I LOVE that movie!”

  Campers were battling it out, right there on the grounds where we’d once peacefully sat for a sit-in. Ashley and I ran faster, in the opposite direction. We made it to the woods, and it seemed that within the trees we were safe, at least for now.

  “Food,” I said. It was all I could say at this point, heaving, hands on bended knees, my throat so dry.

  “Let nature be your refrigerator, Gregor.”

  I was in love with Ashley Woodstone, but I seriously did not have time for this.

  And yet.

  I looked at the dirt all around me with the eyes of a man out of options. I was so hungry. I was desperate. “Screw it.” I was on my hands and knees, scratching at the ground, loosening up the dirt like a dog sniffing out his long-buried treat. I dug at the dirt and then I put it in my mouth.

  I was eating dirt.

  How was this happening? How was I, Gregor Maravilla, crouched on all fours, the only clothing on my back a cape, stuffing genuine dirt into my mouth? I could hear Ashley laughing, but I was too ashamed to look at her. “Look at you!” she said in the ton
e of voice you use when you see a toddler using a pencil for the first time. “I knew you’d come around.”

  It actually wasn’t half bad.

  I was definitely still tripping balls if I was starting to enjoy dirt.

  My face was probably smeared brown and crusty, but I was so hungry that I didn’t care. I guess I should’ve just considered myself lucky that Ashley was probably the only girl in the world who wouldn’t be grossed out by this display.

  “I am so proud of you, Gregor Maravilla. You’ve really taken to dirt like a worm takes to dirt.”

  “Mphmgr.”

  “But don’t get too stuffed. Nature has a whole supply of natural foods for us to try. Like these lovely flowers.”

  I stopped munching. Flowers sounded better than dirt. Ashley was by a small bush, picking the tiny purple things off its branches and popping them into her mouth like Skittles. “Whoa,” she said.

  “Are they good?” I asked.

  She stood still, a curious expression on her face. “No,” she said. Her eyes fluttered closed, and she placed her hand on a tree like she was about to lose her balance.

  “Ashley?”

  She leaned into the bark, slumped over it, and began to sink down, and I ran for her so fast that she didn’t get a chance to fall all the way. I caught her in my arms, her face suddenly pale. “Ashley!”

  “I don’t—I don’t think I should’ve eaten that,” she said before passing out.

  So many things had to go wrong to get us to this moment. Every counselor had to be tied up and utterly useless at their jobs. The camp infirmary had to be perpetually backed up, and Nurse Patrosian had to be completely unequipped to deal with this even if she wasn’t already overwhelmed with life. Cell phones had to be banned. And Ashley had to regard nature’s bounty as her own private all-you-can-eat buffet.

  It made me angry. It made me mad, even as she lay unconscious in my arms. I was furious as I ran through the woods, one arm around her back, the other underneath her knees. I was stupidly, illogically angry at her. Even though she couldn’t see it. She hadn’t opened her eyes since she’d fainted.

  “PIKA!” My voice was hollow through the trees, searching for him. “Pika is never too far,” I said through haggard breaths. Ashley told me that herself when we were locked in the record store. Even if she told him to leave, he wouldn’t go too far. “PIKA!”