Panic and outrage at the idea that I’d missed Michael’s call—that Lela had allowed me to sleep through it—coursed through me and must have shown on my face.
“I tried to wake you up, but you were out cold. And then Michael said if you were sleeping that hard, you probably needed it. They have some kind of social tonight at the college, and he said if it ended early enough, he’d call. If not, he’ll talk to you in the morning.”
I nodded, unable to speak for the lump in my throat. Anne leaned over and laid her hand on my arm.
“Tasmyn, you can’t do this. You can’t shut yourself down and stop—well, stop being just because Michael’s gone away to school. I know it’s the first day, and we’re trying to give you some space to get used to it. But you can’t wallow in it. You’ve got to make up your mind to be all right.”
If only it were that easy, I thought. But I forced another smile and ate more of my soup.
Michael didn’t call that night. I slept upstairs in his bedroom, the first time I’d ever spent the night in the spacious loft that was his. I kept my cell phone—a recent gift from my parents in anticipation of my eighteenth birthday—held tightly in my hand, confident that the vibration would wake me up if I dozed.
When I opened my eyes, light was flooding the room through the skylights, and my telephone clock read 7:22 AM. There were no missed calls. I was disappointed that he hadn’t called, but at the same time, I understood that he was probably kept busy by all the transition programs the college had in place for incoming freshmen. I couldn’t expect him to be checking on me every little while.
But part of me wished he would.
I was determined that today would be different. No more coddling from Lela and Anne. I had my job to do down at the nursery, and I wouldn’t let Marly and Luke down by cowering in their house again today, no matter how numb and empty I still felt. I dressed and slipped downstairs, looking for Lela. A note on the kitchen table informed me that she was already down at the shop and that Anne had left early for a shift at the salon.
I felt a twinge of guilt. I knew that my lack of enthusiasm last night had put a damper on the slumber party they had planned to cheer me up, but I simply hadn’t been able to join in the fun with any real gusto. Anne and Lela had been watching a sappy movie when I pleaded fatigue and slipped upstairs to wait for Michael’s call. As they were both up and out early, I guessed that they hadn’t stayed up too much later than I had.
The air outside the cabin was heavy and damp. The sun filtered through the towering pines as I crunched down the path into the open lot that was the center of the nursery. When I opened the back door to the shop, Lela looked up from papers she was scanning.
“Hey! Good morning. Glad to see you up and out today.”
I grabbed a green apron from the nearby hook and pulled it over my head.
“Yep. Up and out,” I answered. Her thoughts were still loud enough today that I had to really work to block them.
“Did you end up talking with Michael last night?” she inquired.
I smothered a sigh of pain as my throat tightened again. “No. I guess they were out too late.”
Lela smiled and stood to give me a quick reassuring hug. “Don’t worry. He’ll call today. He was just as anxious to talk to you as you are to him. Remember, this is tough on him, too.”
I did know that, but Lela’s words struck home as I tried to keep in mind that Michael was coping with different places and people. At least I had the security of my home, the nursery, my parents and my friends. I vowed to focus more on his needs than my own hurting soul when we did talk.
The morning dragged. There was a fairly steady flow of customers, thanks to the “End of the Season” sale that Sawood was running at the moment. I had to laugh at that idea. In reality, summer would linger for at least two more months here in central Florida. But Luke had pointed out to me last spring that people needed the ebb and flow of seasons to mark time, even when the weather didn’t exactly cooperate.
I kept my cell phone safely in the pocket of my apron, where its heaviness knocked gently against my legs as I moved. Work kept me busy, even if my mind never really engaged completely.
Finally, right before lunch, I felt the familiar vibration of an incoming call. I fumbled to pull out the phone, and my heart sang when I saw Michael’s name on the screen.
Fortunately, Lela was at the counter, and when she saw my face, she laughingly waved me outside and took over the sale I’d been ringing up.
My finger shook as I pressed the send button. My heart was thudding painfully.
“Hello?” I called breathlessly. “Michael?”
“Tas! I thought you weren’t going to pick up. I was afraid I wasn’t going to get to talk to you.”
For the first time in days, a genuine smile stretched my lips. “No, I’m here. I just couldn’t get the phone answered fast enough.” I paused, not sure of what to say next. “I’m down at the shop, working.” It seemed somehow important to assure him that I was doing my duty.
“Oh... ” His voice was unsure. “Is it... are you okay to talk then?”
“Oh, yeah, Lela took over for me. I’m outside.” I looked around me, wanting him to picture exactly where I stood. “I’m just in the back of the nursery shop, looking up the path toward the cabin.”
“I can see it,” he laughed, and suddenly I was reassured. He knew what I meant. We hadn’t lost that connection.
“What are you doing?” I asked. It seemed important for me to imagine where he was, too.
“I’m outside of one of the classroom buildings. We had meetings this morning, all kinds of really boring stuff. My parents had other info talks they had to go to, so we planned to meet out here. Mine ended early. They should be here in a few minutes. But I wanted a chance to talk to you by myself.”
Warmed, that frozen part of my soul began to melt. “Tell me what it looks like. Do you like the campus?”
“Yeah, I think I do. It’s a little overwhelming at first, kind of big, and I know I’ll be getting lost all the time for a while. But it seems like people are friendly. I’ve met some of my classmates and a few professors. We move into the dorms tomorrow, and then my parents will leave the next day, I guess.”
“Did you meet your roommate yet?”
“Yeah, he seems okay. Listen, I’ll tell you all about this stuff later. What I want to know is, are you all right? Lela said you were sleeping yesterday when I called. I about died, I wanted to talk to you so much.”
“Really? You did?” It wasn’t right to be so thrilled about his pain, but on the other hand, it made me feel less alone.
“Tas, of course I did! What are you thinking? When we pulled out yesterday morning... holy crap. I can’t tell you how close I came to telling my dad to turn around, to just not go. I don’t think I said a word to my parents for the first two hours.”
I wondered how much Lela had shared with him about my reaction yesterday.
“It was the hardest day I’ve ever had,” I told him. “Including all my first days at all those schools. And even worse than the day Nell... the day with Nell.” It was still difficult for me to talk about her.
Michael was quiet for a moment. “I’m sorry. Maybe... I’m starting to wonder if this was a mistake. I should I have stayed closer to home.”
I frowned. “I thought you liked the school.”
“I do. But I hate being here away from you, and I hate knowing that you’re hurting, too.”
I swallowed hard and summoned up the last vestiges of my courage. “Michael, you know you have to stay. It’s what we decided. You want to be there. I’ll be fine, and so will you. We’ll help each other be strong, okay?”
I heard a soft laugh on the other end. “And here I was calling to cheer you up. I didn’t realize how much I missed you until I heard your voice. You know if you asked me now, I’d be home tonight.”
“And that’s why I can tell you to stay. If it were just me here being all pathetic and l
onely, I’d be begging you to come home. But knowing that we’re both miserable gives me the strength to say you need to stay at school. Does that make any sense?”
“I guess we have to take turns being strong,” Michael observed.
“What happens if we hit a day when we’re both weak?” I teased him.
“Then... you’ll be seeing me sooner than you expect. But not today. Today you’ve talked me down.”
“Next time it’ll be you convincing me. Only I’ll probably be much more pathetic,” I sighed.
“Hey, are you saying I sound pathetic?”
I giggled, and it felt good to laugh with him. “Not at all. You sounded sweet and worried about me. Very strong and manly.”
It was Michael’s turn to laugh. “Oh, sure, I believe you. I’ll admit I was feeling pretty pathetic until I talked to you. I kept thinking... ” He lowered his voice. “I kept thinking about the other night, and wondering if I was crazy to stop us.”
Alone on the path among the trees, I blushed, remembering. “No, you were right. It would be even harder now, if we had—if you hadn’t. I’m sorry I put us in that situation.”
“Believe me, Tas, I don’t blame you—I don’t even think—ahh.” Even across the miles I could hear his frustration. “Here come my parents. Listen, I’m going to go for now, but I’ll call you back later, probably tonight. You’re still staying out with Lela?”
“Yes, I’ll stay until your parents get home. She’s been so sweet to me, and very patient. Give Marly and Luke my love.”
“I will. Remember how much I love you. Stay strong.”
If I thought that one telephone call would make me feel better about Michael’s absence, I was wrong. Granted, for the first couple of hours, as I returned to the shop and did my job, a sort of peace settled over me. I replayed our conversation in my head over and over, using it to block Lela’s thoughts and those of our customers as much as possible. I got a perverse assurance that Michael was suffering as much as I was, or at least nearly as much. I knew he missed me, and being missed is nice.
But even that glow couldn’t sustain me for too long. By the time I’d settled into Michael’s bed that night, the phone in my hand, my heart was aching and I felt nearly as alone as I had the day before. I called my mother to check in, and I could tell she was worried about me.
“Are you sure you want to stay out there again tonight? Isn’t it harder to be there—I mean, without Michael?”
I stifled a sigh. “I promised I’d stay with Lela until her parents get home, Mom. And no, it’s not harder. I can’t think of anything that would make this harder than it is. It’s actually kind of comforting to be out here. And it’s closer for work, too.”
My mother was silent for a beat. “Okay. If you say so. I just worry that you’re wallowing out there, with all that time on your hands.”
“As if I’d be so busy if I were home? At least here I have Lela.”
“And if you were at home, you’d have Amber and Cara and Anne—they’d be keeping your mind off everything.”
“Anne was out here last night. And Mom, no amount of distraction is going to make me feel better. This—this whole thing sucks. It just does. I’m miserable with Michael away. I don’t know if you can understand that. This next year is going to be incredibly difficult for me. Keeping busy isn’t going to change that.”
I knew that my mom was biting her tongue. I couldn’t hear her thoughts or read her moods from this distance, but I’d known her long enough to guess that much. I imagined that she was making up her mind to change the subject and take this up again later.
“Well, I guess we’ll see you after work on Thursday. Call me if you need anything—or if you want to talk. I’m always here for you.”
I softened my tone as I told her good-bye. She meant well, but it wasn’t a bad thing that we had a little distance right now.
I really didn’t expect Michael to call, and I had even begun to doze when the phone buzzed in my hand. Groggily I answered.
“Tasmyn?” Michael’s voice was low and vaguely amused. “Did I wake you up?”
“Mmmmm... ” I struggled through the layers of sleepiness. “No... well, kind of.”
“I’m sorry. I just wanted to tell you good night, and I love you.”
Warmth seeped through my drowsiness. “Well, then, I’m glad you woke me up. I never want to miss hearing that.”
His laugh was quiet and intimate. “I’ll never stop saying it. Did you have a good day?”
I tried to remember. “I think I did. The nursery was pretty busy, and then Lela and I made dinner here. We watched a movie... she’s trying to keep me busy, keep my mind off... well, you, I guess.”
“And is she succeeding?”
I sighed and snuggled down deeper into the pillows. “I don’t know. I still think of you. . oh, all the time?”
“Same here. You don’t have to worry about me forgetting you—everything I see reminds me of you. I see spots on campus where we could sit and read, places to eat... hey, and I saw a sign for alligator crossing, so that really made me think of you.”
I shivered and giggled. “Thanks. I’d just as soon leave the gators behind, if it’s all the same to you.” I yawned, hugely, unable to stop myself.
Michael sighed. “I better let you get back to sleep,” he said with regret. “My parents are in the hotel room anyway, waiting for me. We have to get up early tomorrow morning to move me into the dorm. So... good night. I love you.”
“I love you, too. Sleep well. Call me tomorrow?”
“The minute I have some privacy, I will. Sweet dreams.”
“I’m sure I will. After all, I’m sleeping in your bed. The pillows smell like you.” I breathed in deeply.
Michael groaned. “That’s not a visual I needed—you all warm and sleepy in my bed... ”
I smiled again, delighted at the yearning in his voice. “’Night, Michael... ” I sang.
“Good night, you shameless flirt.” I heard the click on the other end and gently set the phone on the nightstand. I had no doubt that my dreams tonight would be filled with Michael. For the moment at least, I couldn’t ask for any more.
Marly and Luke returned home mid-day on Thursday. I was in the front of the shop and saw the car pull through the lot onto the dirt road that led back to the cabin. I was unprepared for the stabbing of pain when it struck me anew that Michael wasn’t with them.
Lela glanced up from her inventory across the room. “Was that Mom and Dad?” she asked me.
I nodded. “Yes. It looks like they headed right back to the house. Do you want to go up and see them? I can cover here.”
Lela studied me briefly. She’s hurting again. Having my parents back and Michael not here is going to be almost as hard as when he left...
I clamped shut my mind and frowned in concentration. Lela grimaced and shook her head.
“Was I thinking too loudly? Sorry.”
I shook my head in consternation. “No, it’s not you. It’s me. I should be able to keep it out. I was spoiled by always listening to Michael. And you and your mom are like him—you’re especially easy for me to hear.” I saw the look on Lela’s face and hurried to reassure her. “Not that I do. I really try hard to keep you out. It’s only when I’m particularly vulnerable that I end up accidentally hearing things.”
Lela laughed without much humor. “I’ve been trying to keep my thoughts in check all summer. I don’t know what I’ll do when I go back to school and can think freely.”
I felt horribly guilty. “I’m sorry, Lela. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t be yourself around me. I really, really try. And I haven’t heard anything at all that you wouldn’t want me to know. I promise.”
Lela appeared slightly mollified. “I know. It’s not your fault. And no, I’m not going up to the house yet. I’ll give them a chance to get settled. Besides, if I went up now, I’d get roped into helping them unload the car.”
We stayed at the shop until
closing time, and then I walked to the cabin with Lela. Marly and Luke were sitting out on the deck, feet up and drinks in hand.
“Hello, girls,” Marly called. “Come and join us.”
I struggled to keep at bay the burning in my throat as I remembered how often Michael and I had relaxed on the deck with his parents. I followed Lela up the steps and perched on a chair.
“So, is he all settled?” Lela asked.
“Yes, he seems to be. His room is pretty nice—you know, basic freshman dorm. We liked his roommate. I think you’ll like him, too, Tasmyn,” Marly remarked.
I nodded, and she reached over from her seat to clasp my hand.
“He misses you terribly, you know,” she said, her voice revealing only a small measure of the reflected pain I knew she was feeling. “For the first hour or so of the ride up, I was holding my breath, waiting for him to insist on turning around.”
I tried to smile in return. “It’s a good thing he didn’t. I don’t think I could have handled another good-bye at that point.”
Luke nodded. “Farewells are always painful, even when they’re temporary,” he mused. “Marly, remember how hard it used to be?”
She smiled at him and reached with her free hand to pat his knee. “I haven’t forgotten. It never got any easier, did it?”
We were all quiet for a moment, lost in our own thoughts and memories. Then Marly turned to me again.
“Tas, we’re going to run down to the diner to eat. I’m in no mood to cook tonight, and I can hardly expect you and Lela to do it, either. You’ll come with us, won’t you?”
I hesitated. Part of me wanted to have dinner with the Sawyers, linger in their company, just to feel that much closer to Michael. Another part was aching with his absence each minute that I spent with his family. I took a deep breath and made a decision.
“Thanks. I’d really love to eat with you. But my parents haven’t seen me in days, and I think they’d be happier if I went home and caught up with them.”
Marly squeezed my hand. “Okay. I understand. Another time. And we’ll see you tomorrow at work, right?” We’re all going to have to adjust. I can’t keep Tasmyn here just to feel closer to Michael. But I hope she knows I still want her to come around as much as she can. I heard her as easily as I usually heard Michael and bit my lip, nodding.
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