Lost in Wolf Dreams (Cormac's Pack)

by A. P. Jensen

  “I’d like to see them try! I’m not a damn wolf treat you can call dibs on!” When Mac just stared at her she said, “You think someone sent those goons because they want a mate, right? Who do you know that needs a mate?”

  “Too many to count.”

  She got up from her stool and paced. She couldn’t stop replaying what happened in her apartment. The toast settled her stomach, but nothing could stop the agony in her chest. She had to find out who sent the mercenaries. They would pay. Was he out there waiting for another chance or had he given up? Should she be disturbed that she didn’t feel an ounce of guilt for the wolves she killed? She glanced up and found Mac watching her as he bit into an apple.

  “Do you have a plan, wolf cop?”

  He took his time chewing and she stopped her pacing and glared at him.

  “The only way to figure this out is to visit the packs and ask questions,” he said.

  When he didn’t continue, she tapped her a foot.

  “Well?”

  He tossed his apple core out the window. “You have to claim me.”

  Jillian stiffened, remembering the snippets of their conversation last night and glared at his nonchalant pose. “What about the alpha crap?”

  “I am an alpha.”

  She frowned, confused. “I don’t understand.”

  “You need to be dominant to be an alpha. I am. I choose not to have a pack.”

  “So if I claim you, then what?”

  “No one would challenge me for you. You’re already wearing my mark.”

  He nodded to the bite on her neck and she gasped.

  “You did this on purpose?”

  He didn’t look ashamed. “Of course. This time, if you go missing, you’ll be wearing my scent. They know I’ll come looking for you.”

  She didn’t like that he had a secret motive for marking her, especially since he was wearing an identical bite. “You didn’t mark me the last time?”

  “No.”

  “So, this claiming thing… What is it?”

  “It’s a pledge that binds you to me. I’d be your alpha and I could control your shifting.”

  She bit her lower lip. “And after we find out who’s behind this, I can leave?”

  Mac couldn’t conceal his anger. “No. Once you’re bonded to me, that’s it.”

  “I have a hard time committing to a lease, much less a man for the rest of my life!”

  He turned away from her and she cringed. He was offering a solution and she snapped at him. God, she was such a bitch. This bonding/claiming stuff made her feel trapped and claustrophobic.

  “I’m sorry, Mac, I can’t do that.” When he turned back to her she added, “I have major hangups when it comes to men.”

  “I noticed.”

  “Can’t we just say I claimed you?” When he shook his head, she ground her teeth together. “Why is this all so complicated? All I want to know is who sent those bastards. That’s it.” She was torn between vengeance for her mom and “claiming” a man for the rest of her life! There had to be another way.

  “What do you know about your father?”

  She couldn’t stop the sneer that curled her lips. “Why are we talking about him?”

  Mac shrugged. “Kind of hard not to since he’s the reason you’re part wolf.”

  “He’s a charmer.”

  When she didn’t expound on that, he gestured with one hand. “And?”

  “He’s a bastard.”

  Mac’s brows lowered. “Okay.”

  She twisted her mom’s ring on her finger. She was torn between sentiment for her mom and anger at the man who was part of the ring and part of her flesh. “He told my mom he loved her, yada yada, got her pregnant and disappeared with every penny she had.”

  Mac didn’t speak for several beats. “You never met him?”

  Jillian smiled and filled it with all the venom she had for a dad who left a pregnant woman destitute and defenseless. “No, and if I did, I might kill him.”

  Jillian waited for Mac to defend her dad, but he said nothing to defend a fellow male wolf. She watched Mac and a sudden thought sent her rage to new heights.

  “You think you might know him?”

  He glanced at her claws and said evenly, “It’s a possibility.”

  Another reason for her to stay in Wolf World. She had a few things to settle with her “daddy” and it might end in blood, but that didn’t bother her much. “How many wolves are there?”

  “In North America? Over three thousand.”

  “That many?” she said, taken aback.

  “If you ever left New York, you would’ve run into them a lot sooner.”

  “Lucky me,” she muttered and resumed pacing. “Is there any other way to question the packs without this claiming thing?”

  “No.”

  She rounded on him. “Then what the hell am I doing here?”

  “You’re not in control of your wolf,” he pointed out. “You’re half shifted most of the time. You need to learn to listen to her.”

  She jerked a thumb at her face. “I’m in charge, not her.”

  “She’s a part of you. You need to accept what you are.”

  “I don’t want to be an animal!” she bellowed. “I want to go back to what my life used to be before those wolves killed my mother and I became a killer! My life was on track. I just got promoted at Chic Interiors and now… she’s gone.”

  Jillian walked out of the cabin and into the sunshine. She stopped in the middle of the yard and tilted her head up. The rays of sun felt good on her skin and she couldn’t stop the way her wolf urged her to run. She shivered when a prickle tingled up her spine. She was in one of her many business suits and she knew she must look ridiculous, but it was a small comfort when she was so far out of her comfort zone. She sensed Mac come up behind her. She prayed he wouldn’t touch her because she felt as if she might shatter.

  “There’s nothing you could’ve done, Jillian.”

  She whirled on him. “Yes, I shouldn’t have moved. He shot her because of me. If I hadn’t-”

  He grabbed her shoulders and gave her a hard shake. Jillian’s eyes were already slipping out of focus.

  “Jillian, listen to me. They had her tied up. They weren’t going to take you and leave. You stopped them from torturing her.”

  Tears leaked down her face and she swallowed hard. “She didn’t care that I’m a monster. She was always working because there was no one else. As soon as I could, I got a job and made her stay at home. It’s always been her and I and now…”

  “I’m here,” Mac said.

  She didn’t meet his eyes and when she tried to pull away, he put an arm around her shoulders and led her into the shade. Mac’s arm slipped off and she rolled her shoulders and looked up at the undersides of the massive branches overhead. She turned and let out a strangled yelp when she saw a black wolf beside her. The wolf let his tongue hang out and she knew Mac was laughing at her. She crossed her arms over her chest and turned her back to him and received a hard shove from behind. She whirled, but the black wolf was gone. She lifted her head, sniffed and looked around suspiciously. How could he mask his scent? A big tongue swept over the back of her neck. Jillian shrieked and whirled to face the black wolf watching her with dancing silver eyes.

  Her wolf yipped and frolicked, wanting to play with Mac, but Jillian shoved her down. For almost three decades, she conditioned herself to ignore her wolf instincts, hyper awareness and the urge to shift. Now she was in an environment where she could let loose… and she didn’t know how. She was scared to. The black wolf let out a sharp bark and Jillian stared blankly at him.

  “What?”

  Mac trotted over and nudged her forward. In wolf form, his head was nearly on a level with her own. He must be three times larger than a normal wolf. His coat was deepest black with that red tint to it that fascinated her. She should have been scared out of her wits as he guided her into the forest, but she felt safe in his presence. Her wol
f whined and urged her to rub up against him. As if he sensed her wolf, Mac leaned into her side. When he shot her a sharp look, she gave into her wolf and sank her hand into his fur, which was coarse and thick. Wolves need touch, she reminded herself.

  With her eyes closed, she breathed in all the scents the forest had to offer. The quiet was a balm to her fractured heart and she swallowed the grief that wanted to choke her. She breathed deeply and was surprised how the air smelled here. It was… fresh, almost sweet. She cocked her head to the side when she heard running water. Five minutes later, they stopped at the bank of the lazy moving stream she ran through on her wolf run the day before.

  Jillian examined the mini waterfall and settled beside Mac on the mossy ground. She crossed her bare feet at the ankle and unbuttoned her jacket. Mac woofed in approval. His eyes were stunning in the black frame of his face and she looked away before she got caught up in them. Small fish leapt in the water and she started when Mac put his big head on her lap. His ears twitched and she sighed loudly before she scratched under his chin and behind his ears. He growled low in his throat and she hid her smile.

  She plucked Mac’s ears. They twitched and he opened one silver eye to glare at her. She couldn’t believe she was sitting here with a wolf shifter, petting him as if he were a tame Chihuahua rather than a beast that could tear her to pieces in seconds. All her life, she hated the uncivilized part of her. She based all wolves on her father and now she had Mac. She wasn’t sure what happened between them the first time she was here, but she trusted him as she had only trusted her mother. She found that she wasn’t repelled by his wolf form, she was just uncomfortable with her own.

  Her mind wandered and inadvertently trailed back to her mother. When she tensed, Mac licked her hand or face to break her out of dark thoughts. Guilt weighed heavily on her and she stared blindly, mind replaying over and over every word, every movement. She shouldn’t have gone on that date with Sebastien. She couldn’t even remember where they ate and his features were vague. She should have gone straight home that night… and then what? Would her mom still be alive? In the back of her mind, she acknowledged that Mac was right. Those men wouldn’t have left without having “fun.” Jillian bit back a gag. The woman she loved most in the world was gone. Why? Because her daughter wasn’t completely human.

  She didn’t make a sound as the tears began to flow again. Mac looked up at her and whined. She tried to compose herself, but the dam was broken and she didn’t know how to fix it. Mac licked her tears away and she turned her face away. Mac sat in front of her and nuzzled her neck. The burden weighed so heavily on her shoulders, she leaned forward, buried her face in his fur and sobbed. She didn’t care who he was or what. She needed and he gave. She never felt alone when her mother was alive and her absence created a yawning emptiness in her. Her body shook with the force of her grief and even in this beautiful, serene place she felt as if she were drowning in darkness. Her wolf howled mournfully and as if he could hear it, Mac tilted his head back and released a heartbreaking wolf song that blended perfectly with Jillian’s. It touched her deeply and suddenly, she didn’t feel so alone.

  Jillian cried herself to sleep. When she woke, she was clad in only her bra and skirt. She was flat on her back on a soft blanket. Mac was back in human form and reclined on his side facing her. His warm hand trailed over her abdomen and it wasn’t sexual. It was soothing and gentle and she didn’t try to push him away.

  “It’s hard for me to watch you go through this twice,” he murmured.

  Jillian said nothing. She closed her eyes and let his hand move over her. She wanted to turn and burrow into his strength, but forced herself to stay still.

  “You have more control over your wolf this time.”

  Jillian snorted and sucked in a breath when he leaned over and trailed his tongue over her sun warmed skin.

  “The last time you were here, you couldn’t last more than a couple of hours without shifting into a wolf. You spent most of your time staring into space or rearranging my house.”

  The baffled tone made her lips curve. “It’s a habit.”

  Her heart was numb from her purge and she wanted to arch against his hand or do some stroking over her own, but once again, she held back. She’d never met a man like Mac- brutally honest, stubborn, temperamental and so caring it made a lump appear in her throat. She’d been in relationships with men who cared for her, but would any of them hold her when she grieved her mother twice? The way Mac handled her, the way he looked at her- it was different and not just because he was a wolf.

  “Why can’t I remember?” she murmured.

  She wanted to know what happened before with Mac, but aside from that flashback with her mother, her mind was quiet. She was wary of what else her mind concealed.

  Mac’s hand cupped her face and her eyelids fluttered, but she didn’t open her eyes. She was relaxed and she liked what he was doing.

  “I own forty acres and there’s no one around for miles. You were gone without a trace. I couldn’t track you at all. I thought you were abducted.”

  His hand paused on a pass between her breasts and she cracked open one eye. His eyes were hard as he looked at her.

  “Its possible your mind blacked out your memories, but if someone’s involved, I’ll make them pay,” he vowed.

  She frowned. “How could someone make me forget?”

  Mac’s hand resumed its imaginary path. “Magic.”

  Jillian didn’t want to touch that. “What if I never remember what happened?”

  “We’ll deal with it.”

  “I’ll never know what happened between us before,” she said and shuddered when his finger slipped beneath the waistband of her skirt.

  “You don’t have to remember that. I can tell you myself.”

  She scoffed and Mac chuckled.

  “How can you want me when you saw what I did to those wolves and I tried to kill you-”

  Mac gripped her jaw. “If you didn’t kill them, you’d be in the hands of the alpha that sent them. I would rather deal with your feral wolf and have you here with me, then have you out of my reach.”

  “Why?” she whispered, bemused by his desire. “I’m a psychotic, boring, control freak.”

  Mac grinned and leaned down to kiss her. When he pulled away, her hands clutched fistfuls of his hair and when she saw his eyes twinkling, she yanked her hands away.

  “You’re my psychotic, boring, control freak.”

  “But, why?” she demanded.

  “You pretend to be cold, but you love deeper than anyone I’ve ever seen. I’ve never heard of a shifter suppressing their wolf, yet you released her when you needed strength to defend your mom. When you learn to harness your wolf and combine it with your love and loyalty, you’re a mate I’d die for.”

  Jillian stared at him and swallowed the tears in her throat. She’d only felt this acceptance from one other person in the world and she was gone. For the first time, Jillian reached for him. She turned on her side, cupped his face in her palms and kissed him. He groaned and when he tried to push her on her back, she pushed against him and nipped and kissed her way down his neck and torso. One hand delved into her hair, pressing her urgently against him.

  When she licked and bit the skin above his fly, he curled his body around her and let out hot pants. She unbuttoned his jeans and when she touched him, he growled and fisted his hand in her hair painfully. She didn’t stop. She didn’t know where she fit into this world and she didn’t know what to say to Mac, but she wanted to give back in the most pleasurable way possible. Mac’s legs moved restlessly around her and when he shouted, his voice echoed through the forest. When he couldn’t take it any longer, he jerked away from her mouth, shoved her on her back and slammed into her.

  She smiled as he thrust into her. He looked magnificent with the sun pouring over him and the trees overhead. He looked like a warrior and the blind need in his eyes soothed the pain in her heart to a dull ache. Mac rode her hard and f
ast and she gloried in his possession of her. She’d found someone who matched her stride for stride. She couldn’t resist his muscled chest. Her fangs sank into him and he roared, yanked her head back and bit the base of her throat as they climaxed together.

  He trembled against her and rolled onto his side with her cradled against him. His hands ran over her skin as if he needed the contact. She lapped at the bite on his chest and he twitched within her. He tugged her head back and kissed her. It was so hot, she bucked against him. He drew away and stroked damp hair back from her face.

  “You trust me?” he asked, voice ragged.

  She hesitated only a moment before she nodded.

  “When you get your memory back, remember that.”

  She frowned. “What does that mean?”

  He shook his head. “Just trust me, okay?”

  The sun began to set as they made their way back to the cabin. Mac had the blanket tossed over his shoulder and a now empty cooler in one hand. He held Jillian’s hand and she couldn’t remember a time she’d ever done this with a man. She couldn’t believe they spent the whole day by the stream. It passed by in a blur of crying, loving and comfort. She wasn’t sure what it was about Mac that got beneath her skin.

  “Why are you alone?” she blurted.

  “I like it this way.”

  She wasn’t convinced and she sensed something beneath the surface, but she didn’t want to pry. When they walked into the cabin, Mac kissed her on the forehead.

  “Hungry?”

  She nodded and Mac began pulling out a bunch of stuff from the fridge. She perched on the stool and raised her brows in surprise as Mac sautéed vegetables and cut even slices of meat. He was great in bed and he could cook? Mac didn’t play fair. Her mom enjoyed cooking and Jillian gave her breaks by taking her out to restaurants twice a week.

  “I didn’t know you cook,” Jillian said.

  “Wasn’t in the mood. You mind chopping the lettuce?”

  She washed the lettuce and moved towards a wooden knife block with handles sticking out of it. Jillian pulled out a gleaming chef’s knife. Light sparked on the blade and she froze. Her eyes fluttered shut as images too fast for her to follow whizzed through her mind. She held this knife before. Jeering male voices echoed in her ears and she bowed her head and gripped the knife as she pulled on the memory and jerked it into focus.