Don't Let Go
Page 15
“That’s pretty amazing.”
“Yes, it is. Apparently she liked that I was a gentleman with her and treated her nicely.” Samuel chuckled. “Most of the time I was scared to death because I liked her so much. Ellen was damned easy to love. She had the same talent with horses that you do. If they were hurting, they trusted her to help.” Samuel sighed as though he could feel the happiness they shared. “I still can’t believe of all the guys in the world, she agreed to marry me, and dammit, we were happy for a while. Ellen loved her work, and I loved her. We started this ranch together, had Hezekiah, and everything was damn near perfect.” Samuel turned away from the horse. “She was my great romance, and she always said she knew I was the one—though, as Ellen always told the story, she’d had to go out and learn it for herself.”
Robert nodded.
“The point to all this is that you and Zeke need to go out there and learn if you’re it for each other, and you ain’t going to do it on this ranch. You need to figure it out… out there. If it’s right, you’ll know it, and nothing will keep you apart because you and Zeke will be two halves of one heart, like Ellen and I were.” Samuel patted his shoulder. “Those were her words. I never would have been able to come up with anything that sounds so nice.”
“But… what if the distance is too much?” Robert asked, and swallowed hard as the thought of letting Zeke go, even for a while, tore at him.
Samuel shrugged. “Then it wasn’t meant to be, and you both have to accept that. You have a whole bunch of people who want a piece of you, and Zeke… he’s starting down that road too. Everything is gonna change. You both need to know that you’re strong enough to weather it.”
“So we should part just because it will test if we should be together?” Robert asked, more than a little confused.
Samuel looked about ready to smack him. “You have six people who are all ready to pull you away, and you know you have to go.” He turned away from the horse and stepped closer. Samuel waited a few seconds while Robert swallowed hard and tried to formulate an answer that didn’t make him sound like a dick.
“I never expected my career to last this long. Most people come and go—hot one day, cold the next. That’s how this business works sometimes. I hoped I’d do well, but I never thought this kind of prolonged success would happen for me. But now it has, and sometimes I think my career is a monster… Godzilla… and it’s come to eat the rest of my life.”
“And you think Zeke’s is any different? He’s having the season of his life. People are coming to him, noticing him. Zeke loves riding bulls, always has. He broke his arm when he was fourteen and he still practiced with the damn cast on. Told me he didn’t want to lose the feel of the bulls. I thought his mother was going to fly to pieces. But what could we do?” Samuel sighed. “I love my son and I want him to be happy. And despite my problems, he has been happy… with you. Don’t you think I want that to continue?”
“I do. There has to be a way.” Robert had been racking his brain.
“There isn’t. You’ve been taking a vacation from your life, but now the vacation is over and it’s time to go home. It was fun and relaxing, but the real world is calling you back… and it’s doing the same thing for Zeke. So figure things out the best you can and please do your best not to hurt him. And if time and distance take their toll, then the two of you have a few happy weeks to look back on.” His voice grew rough and Samuel turned away. “Shit like this is hard, and it doesn’t matter if you’ve loved someone for three weeks or twenty years. It still fucking hurts.” He walked toward the door and didn’t say anything more as he left the barn.
Robert was shocked, but also moved that Samuel would tell him such a personal story. He realized that Samuel had just told him things he’d probably shared with very few people, and that he was right.
“What’s going on?” Zeke asked, yawning as he came into the barn.
Robert stroked Midnight’s nose, thinking of what Samuel had said. “When I was ten years old, Mom and Dad took me on a vacation to Florida. We went in the winter and spent a week at Disney and at a resort near Tampa. The weather was perfect, and I spent the days at parks, riding rides, and the nights swimming in the big pool. Mom and Dad were happy, and I was ecstatic the entire time. But at the end of the week, we had to go home, no matter how much fun we’d had.”
“It’s the end of the week—and I’m your vacation?”
Robert shrugged. “In a way. Our real lives are pulling us back. You have to train and get ready to ride your bulls, and I need to go back and ride my own… in a way.” He turned away from the horse and crossed the distance to hold Zeke as tightly as he dared.
“I know. When are you going?” Zeke asked.
“Probably tomorrow. Barry is climbing the walls and apparently burning up the cell service in town. I know this seems… stupid. I don’t want to go. I keep trying to figure out how I can just run away….”
“You can’t any more than I can.”
“But if you send me your riding schedule, I’ll try to come to as many rodeos as I can, and maybe you could come out to see me. I know they’re going to pressure me to go back out on the road, so I’ll have tickets for you, and when you’re off, I can fly out here and see you.”
Samson whinnied like he didn’t want to be forgotten either.
“Yes, I’ll come see you too.”
Zeke closed his eyes and leaned his head against Robert’s shoulder. “Is this what we’re going to have to do? Make time for each other around travel and commitments?” He sighed, and Robert’s stomach did a flip that threatened to bring up what little was in it.
“If you don’t want that, then….” He wasn’t sure what he had in mind.
“I want whatever time I can have with you.” Zeke lifted his head, and Robert guided their lips together. “I wonder if Barry and the guys are going to need you in the next little while.”
Robert reached into his pocket, pulled out his phone, and turned it off. “I have a question. Does the building with the bucking machine lock from the inside?”
Zeke nodded.
“Then let’s go. I want to give that damned machine a run for its money.”
ROBERT LAY on the padding, their clothes strewn everywhere. His light blue shirt was slung over a ceiling rafter overhead. Zeke lay in his arms, covered in a sheen of sweat. The room was fairly dark, with the window blocked out so no one would be able to look in on them. Robert hated that he and Zeke couldn’t just make love with abandon without taking special preparations for privacy, even way out here on the ranch. Ralph had demonstrated that they needed to be careful everywhere.
“Just so you know, I don’t want to leave.” Robert absently ran his finger around one of Zeke’s nipples, enjoying the feel of his skin on his finger. “I’d like to stay here and run away from everything.”
Zeke hummed. “You know running away isn’t the answer. You have to face your life, just like I have to face mine.” He rolled onto his side, propping his head up on his hand. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t take more control of it. That’s what I’m going to try to do. And when you’re in need of some peace, you know Dad and I will be here.”
“You’re going to be traveling a lot too, aren’t you?” Robert scooted closer, sliding his leg between Zeke’s.
“Yes. And each trip is going to be a reminder that Carson isn’t with me. He and I used to joke and gab for hours about nothing and everything to pass the time we spent in the truck. Now I’ll be doing it alone. I’m working to lay out the rest of my schedule so I can drive as little as possible, but it’s difficult, and I’m going to try to fly to some locations. If I end up in the money, then it isn’t too bad, but no one can ride every bull, each time. So some I won’t win, and then I go on to the next.”
Robert nodded. “But does it make you happy?”
“I love it and you know it,” Zeke said with a smirk. “It’s the greatest rush, and there is nothing like riding one of those big guys.”
“It seems like such a cliché,” Zeke mumbled. “Promises to stay in touch and—”
“This is more than summer camp, at least for me.” Robert tried to keep the hurt out of his voice.
“It is for me too.” Zeke pressed him onto his back. “This is very important to me.”
“Then we’ll figure it out.” Robert tugged his head down until their lips nearly met. “We have to hang on to what we have and just not let go. Because it’s important to me too.”
Zeke closed the distance between them and kissed Robert with everything he had, sending Robert into desire overload. He wanted this to last forever, but he only had so much time left. Still, he was intent on making it as memorable as possible.
ROBERT COOKED that night. He made a simple dinner, and Zeke grilled the steaks for him.
“I never knew you could cook,” Glenn said through a mouthful of food. “This is really good.” He hummed around the coleslaw.
“You should taste his chicken-fried steak,” Samuel said with a grin. “That’s to die for.”
“I never get much of a chance to cook at home because I’m usually so busy, or I’m on the road….” Robert turned to Glenn. “You and I need to figure out things we can put in the motor home, because I am so sick of takeout, I never want to touch it for the rest of my life. Either I cook, or we hire a chef to travel with me, but I need to eat better and take better care of myself, especially on the road.”
Glenn nodded. “As long as I can join you occasionally, I’ll get you a Parisian Le Cordon Bleu chef.” He dug into the potatoes and beans as though they were high-end gourmet. “I’m going to get a grill for your motor home as well. And maybe arrange one for the whole company.” Glenn continued eating as though he were starving. “What is it about being out here? I’m hungry all the time and I have so much energy.”
Robert looked to the others, who shrugged, before answering. “It’s the fresh air. It clears out all the crap. I work every day and spend time in the saddle, mend fences. It’s good, honest work, and I think it’s good for the soul.” He finished his meal and sat back, watching Zeke out of the corner of his eyes. “Where’s Barry and team?”
“They went home this afternoon. There was nothing more they could do here, and he’s been on the phone setting everything up for when you return.” Glenn set down his fork. “He said to tell you goodbye and that he’d come talk to you when you got home. I thought he was going to bust when I told him you were returning.” Glenn didn’t smile. “Sometimes I don’t understand him.”
“Sometimes I don’t either. But I suppose that’s his job to look at things from a different angle.” Robert knew Barry was very good at what he did, even if he could be a royal pain in the ass. “Sometimes he doesn’t know what the boundaries are.”
“That’s because you never set any until now. You did your thing and let him handle the rest. Now it’s different, and if I can say so… I like it. I always hoped you’d get to the point where you’d have had enough, and I guess this last tour pushed you over the edge.” Glenn finished his dinner and took his plate to the sink.
“You going to stay?” Robert asked.
“If it’s all the same to you, I have a lot of things I want to do before we leave to make sure we’re ready when we get back. I also have to check with your parents on their trip, and I have some messages from the real estate agent that I need to return.” Glenn rolled his eyes, and Robert got the idea that Glenn was making himself scarce to give him some time with Zeke.
Samuel seemed to have the same idea, because he took care of his dishes and left the house without a word.
Robert exchanged glances with Zeke and reached over to take his hand. He felt the sudden need to touch him in some way. “Your dad and Glenn expect us to get busy getting busy.”
Zeke shook his head. “That talk is so not you.” He patted Robert’s hand and set about clearing the table and loading the dishwasher.
Robert followed his each and every movement. Part of him wanted to pick Zeke up, throw him over his shoulder, and carry him off to the bedroom. Yet the bigger part was content just to watch, memorizing each step and graceful movement. He’d seen the beauty of Zeke in so many ways—on a bull, on horseback, naked, sated, and half asleep after making love for hours—but this, the simple task of doing dishes, held a beauty Robert would never have expected.
He didn’t stomp or stalk about the kitchen, but almost glided across the floor, a rhythm to his movements that went straight to the center of Robert’s mind, setting his internal metronome to clicking slowly back and forth. A beat formed, and then the harmonies, a melody taking shape on top.
“Don’t let go, no matter what, no matter how, just don’t let go.
“Hands on his hips, barefoot on the porch, those were his last words as I left for the road.
“I had to leave, we both knew that was true, but the last words I heard, stayed close in my heart.
“Don’t let go, don’t let go, no matter what, no matter how, just don’t let go.”
The words came to him, wrapping around the music. He stood and went to the room he’d been sharing with Zeke, grabbed his guitar and a notebook, and returned to the kitchen, where he sat back down and strummed the chords that kept playing in his mind, becoming louder and more forceful. Robert wrote down the music and lyrics so they wouldn’t be lost.
As Zeke finished the dishes, Robert played the piece of the song that had come to him. After getting the music right, he sang the words to Zeke, who stopped, a pot banging in the sink. Robert sang the entire verse and played on, letting his mind wander. He needed the rest of the song, but it would come to him. He had a wonderful start, and that was what mattered at the moment.
“This is your song.”
“Mine?” Zeke asked.
“Yeah. You don’t realize it, but it’s your song. It’s what I heard when you were riding the other day. This is set to your music and it’s about you.” Robert stopped playing. “This is what I hear when I watch you.” The thought was exciting. Not just about the music, but the fact that he was able to coalesce what he felt with Zeke and how he moved him into something that, for Robert, was as tangible as the chair he sat on.
“Where did the words come from?” Zeke asked as he wiped off his hands.
“It was something your dad said to me,” Robert confessed. “But this is your song. This is the one I wrote for you, because of you. So after I record it, when you hear it, no matter what, you’ll know that this is your song.” Robert strummed the chords one more time. “Close your eyes,” he added before singing it again, this time more softly, letting the words rumble in his chest.
“And you told Samuel you’re surprised your career lasted this long.” Zeke walked behind him, rested his hands on his shoulders, and then slid them down his chest. Robert’s breath hitched for a second. “With a voice like that? I know I could listen to you forever.” He leaned over Robert’s shoulder, and once Robert straightened up, Zeke kissed him hard. “I love my song. It’s so beautiful, and I think it sums us up really well.”
“I do too.” Robert closed his eyes as Zeke stroked his hands beneath his shirt. He set his guitar aside and turned in his chair, pulling Zeke to him. Robert kissed him, tugging on his lower lip, and circled his arms around Zeke’s waist. This was what he wanted to remember for always: the feel of Zeke in his arms, their heat, passion that sucked the air out of the room. He was going to have to leave, but he sure a
s hell was going to take as much of Zeke with him as he could. Don’t let go. That was all he was thinking now. They had to return to their lives—they were calling and pulling at them, tugging them apart. Robert drew Zeke closer, closing his eyes as he drank in his scent like he’d spent days in the desert without a drop of water.
“All we have to do is not let go.”
ROBERT DIDN’T want to open his eyes when the sun peeked around the curtains. Zeke lay next to him, snoring quietly, and Robert slowly rolled over to watch him. This was the last morning they’d be able to do this for some time. Robert didn’t know when they would be able to see each other, let alone have a quiet morning without phone calls and others tugging at them.
He thought of getting out of bed to see to the horses, the way he had every morning since he’d arrived, but that would mean leaving Zeke for a while, and he didn’t want to do that either.
“I can hear you thinking,” Zeke groaned from next to him. “What time is it?”
“Six.” Robert sighed. “I have to leave in an hour.” It seemed like time had flown by. An hour to get his things together, an hour to say goodbye to someone he loved… an hour to touch and hold… maybe an hour to get in what he’d hoped would be a lifetime.
Robert was relieved that they hadn’t made a lot of pledges and promises that they might not be able to keep. Things between them would work out because they cared for each other and wanted it to happen. That was what Robert held on to. Robert had heard promises from record companies and promoters that had turned out to be about as lasting as a fart in the wind. Actions were what mattered, and words… well, he’d take the actions of last night—the tenderness, the caring, the passion—over a million words, because the actions he knew were real and not just lip service.