What If It's Us

by Becky Albertalli

  Jessie smiles shyly. “Your mom flew us up with her SkyMiles. Just for the night.”

  “Wait.” I clap my hands over my mouth. “Are you my surprise?”

  “Hi, I’m Ben,” Ben says suddenly.

  Jessie hesitates. “Nice to meet you.”

  “My boyfriend,” I say quickly. “We’re dating again now.”

  “Oh—”

  “And they’re dating, too,” I say to Ben. “Ethan and Jess. They’re a couple. Ha. Out of nowhere. But I’m happy for them.”

  “Arthur, you don’t have to—”

  “I am! I’m happy for you. Extremely. And totally. Heh. You know what should be a word? Extrotally.”

  Ben’s lips twist up at the corners.

  “Anyway, wow. You’re here. For my birthday.”

  “Extrotally,” says Ethan.

  “And you don’t hate me.”

  “Why would we hate you?” asks Jessie.

  “Because I hung up on you? And I was a jerk? But you’re here.” I look from Jessie to Ethan, grinning. “You’re in New York.”

  Jessie grins back. “Your parents didn’t want you to be alone on your birthday. Although . . .” She glances at Ben, who promptly turns bright red.

  And in that moment, it hits me. Ben. At my apartment. With no parents. On my birthday. Just us and six unopened boxes of condoms and . . . Ethan and Jessie. I mean, talk about some fucking next-level parental interference.

  But as cockblocks go, this is kind of a great one. I keep staring at everyone’s faces and smiling. Ethan, Jessie, and Ben, all in a row. My three favorite people in one tiny elevator. And no one hates me. Nothing’s broken. Maybe the universe has my back after all.

  “Did you guys take the subway from the airport?” asks Ben.

  “We Lyfted,” says Jessie. “You grew up here, right?”

  “Yup. In Alphabet City.”

  “That sounds like Sesame Street.”

  “That’s what he said,” Ben says, nudging me, and then he blushes. “Not like that. Not like that’s what he said. I just mean. Arthur said that. The Sesame Street thing. About Alphabet City.”

  “Got it.” Jessie laughs.

  The doors slide open, and we step out into the corridor.

  “So, how long have you guys been dating?” asks Ben.

  Ethan and Jessie glance at each other. “Um. Like two months? A little more?”

  It’s funny. They’re not touching. They’re not even standing that close to each other. Which makes me feel weird, like they’re walking on eggshells. Like I scared them out of being affectionate. But maybe they’re just a really hands-off kind of couple.

  “Here’s home,” I say brightly, opening the door to 3A.

  My phone buzzes: Ben, slyly texting from my doorway. They’re a couple????

  Yup. Upside-down smiley.

  You okay?

  “This place is so nice.” Jessie peers around the living room.

  Extrotally. Five more upside-down smileys.

  Laughing-crying emoji. Let me know if you guys need some time to talk. I can head home, no worries.

  “No!” I say out loud.

  Jessie and Ethan look at me expectantly, while Ben bites back a grin.

  I blush down at my phone. Don’t go, I need you!!!!!! Do you think your parents would let you stay overnight? Fingers-crossed emoji. Praying-hands emoji.

  You got it, I’ll just tell them I’m at Dylan’s sickbed.

  Wow, tell D he’s the best wingman ever, A+

  Our eyes lock. Ben grins. I grin, too.

  “Whoa, is that Catherine the Great?” asks Ethan, blinking up at the walls.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Ben

  Sunday, August 5

  I really wanted some solo time with Arthur, but a double date with his best friends is way better than no date at all. We’re all sitting in his uncle’s living room, splitting his Levain cookie; I give him my piece, even though I’m hungry. I can only imagine what he’s going through right now. It’s like, one minute Arthur, Jessie, and Ethan were just the three amigos and now two amigos are dating and the other amigo is spending way more time alone. At least Hudson and I had each other when Dylan and Harriett started dating. Arthur has to go home and roll around like a third wheel.

  “So you guys are good,” Jessie says.

  Arthur nods.

  “My best friend was in the hospital and Arthur was there for me,” I say. “He’s the only person I wanted to talk to when all that was happening.”

  Arthur and Jessie smile.

  “That’s sweet. Is your friend okay?”

  “He died,” I say with a shrug. “It happens.” Jessie freezes and Ethan’s hand slaps over his mouth. Arthur busts out laughing. “Dylan is alive. A little too alive. Which is a thing.”

  “I like this guy,” Ethan says, pointing at me. “I now feel extra bad that we’re cockblocking.”

  “Whaaaaaaaat,” Arthur says. “No. You’re not. Okay, maybe a little. But I’m so happy you’re here.”

  “You can be happy that we’re here and want to throttle us for cockblocking.”

  “I am that.”

  Jessie leans forward. “We can go do something. A whole city of stuff to do.”

  “Don’t be silly,” I say.

  “Yeah . . .” Arthur side-eyes me. “Don’t be silly.”

  I ask them more about themselves, giving Arthur some extra time to absorb this whole thing unfolding before him. They share stories of all the different ways they used to spend their summers, like roasting marshmallows and camping out in Jessie’s backyard and Arthur reading Draco and Hermione fanfiction in dramatic voices and watching Ethan battle other kids at the mall in Pokémon matches. Everything was simpler when they were just three kids being best friends.

  My phone rings. It’s Dylan.

  “I got to take this,” I say. I get up and answer the call in Arthur’s bedroom. “Are you dying again?” I ask, a little nervous.

  “No. I’m free and living my best rebirth,” Dylan says. “I am out of that hellhole. I didn’t come back from the dead to pee in a pan.”

  “No one was making you pee in a pan, the hospital has bathrooms.”

  “Illusions. Where are you and Arthur?”

  “At his place. His best friends just surprised us—flew in from Georgia. They’re apparently dating too.”

  “Wait. Can Samantha and I come over too? It can be an orgy!”

  “Or just a birthday party?”

  “We’ll start there.”

  I have an idea. “I’ll tell Arthur you and Samantha might crash here too, but you have to do me a favor. Pick up a cake that says . . .”

  An hour later, Dylan and Samantha have joined the party. Dylan has hijacked the spotlight as he regales his “tale of a young man who flipped off Death” to Ethan and Arthur and gives them tips on how they can also “escape Death’s clutches.” Ethan wants to know why Dylan’s parents are already letting him party, and Arthur is just nodding along while eating pizza. Samantha is already over Dylan’s second shot at life, so she’s talking with Jessie about her dreams of all the apps she wants to create.

  I drag Dylan into the kitchen to make sure the birthday cake is good to go.

  “Thanks so much, man.” I shut the box and put it back in the fridge. “So. How are you really feeling? Dylan-ness aside.”

  “I’m good. Panic attacks are a bitch. But I’m glad we went. Better safe than sorry.”

  “Did something happen? Or was your heart just racing faster like last time and you got nervous?”

  “Something happened,” Dylan says. “We were in Central Park watching two cyclists making out. I was making jokes about what their dirty talk in bed must be like. Pumping tires. If there are any chains in need of good lubing. Reminders not to forget helmets before they went for another ride. I wanted to keep going because she was laughing so hard, and I said I love you.”

  “Dylan. Dude. You agreed to take it slow.”

&nbs
p; “That’s what the cyclist said,” Dylan says. I glare. “I know. Look, it slipped. And I tried taking it back and I was making an even bigger ass of myself. I was freaking out about losing her for real this time and blood was rushing to my head and my heart was racing. Then Samantha freaked out because I was freaking out and that only made things worse and I was sure I was a goner.”

  Dylan panicking is my least favorite Dylan.

  “Well, you’re both obviously okay, Samantha’s future husband.”

  “Surprised me too,” Dylan says. “Just like when she dropped that L-bomb after you left. I had to Han Solo her at first, but then I got real, which was very, very hard.”

  “I bet it was.” I hug him. “I’m really happy for you. I can’t wait to be the best man at your ridiculous coffee shop wedding.”

  “I hope there’s a ridiculous coffee shop wedding to be had. I know I jump ahead. And I know I’m a superior immortal being, but I’m not psychic, so I just got to keep it moving like it’s going to go somewhere good.”

  “She might be the one,” I say.

  “And Arthur might be the one,” Dylan says.

  “What if, right?”

  Dylan pats me on the shoulder. “But in case Arthur and Samantha aren’t the ones, we should invite Hudson and Harriett over. Make this orgy extra interesting.”

  The doorbell rings.

  What the fuck.

  “Impossible,” I say.

  Dylan snaps his fingers. “I am a man of magic now, Big Ben. I could’ve summoned them.”

  I meet Arthur by the door, and even though it’s impossible, I’m relieved it’s two young women and not Hudson and Harriett.

  “YOU CAME!” Arthur shouts as he hugs the two of them, and one playfully rolls her eyes as she hugs him back, like a big-sister type. “Ben, this is Namrata and Juliet.”

  “The legendary Ben,” Juliet says.

  “The daily drama behind the fucking Shumaker files never getting done,” Namrata says, shaking my hand.

  “I brought sparkling cider,” Juliet says.

  “Yes! Let’s get fucked up,” Arthur says.

  “There’s no alcohol. We’re not getting drunk with you. Did you not hear us yesterday?” Namrata shakes her head. “We’re only here for a few minutes. We just couldn’t let you be alone on your birthday.” She peeks into the living room. “Which you’re clearly not. Your mom knows about this, right?”

  “She knows . . . people are here.”

  “We’re so fired,” Namrata says. “We were never here.”

  Arthur holds out his phone at selfie length. “Smile!”

  Namrata and Juliet do not smile.

  Arthur and I go into the kitchen and grab eight glasses for this one bottle of cider. Not a lot to go around, but there’s enough to toast to his birthday and sip away. Dylan takes the empty cider bottle and tries to get a game of spin the bottle going, and literally no one else wants to play.

  Juliet taps Arthur’s shoulder to give him a hug. “Arthur, we have to go before we’re late for the party.”

  “But we’re so happy your birthday made a turn for the better,” Namrata says.

  “Wait. You can’t go. There’s a cake,” I say.

  “There is?!” Arthur asks.

  “Stay and sing happy birthday?” I ask them.

  Namrata and Juliet nod.

  Dylan and Samantha help me out in the kitchen. I’m carrying the cake as we reenter the room and everyone starts singing “Happy Birthday.” On top of the chocolate cake, vanilla frosting spells Do Not Throw Away Your Wish. Arthur looks around, and we smile for a photo while the cake is still lit. I’m so happy I had a role in flipping this birthday around. I mean, I kind of ruined it in the first place. But I got this ship sailing again, and that’s what Arthur will hopefully remember no matter what happens between us.

  Arthur finally blows out the candles.

  “What’d you wish for?” I ask.

  “Can’t say. But I did not throw away my wish.”

  “Hamilton tickets before you leave?”

  “Hamilton tickets before I leave.”

  “I can’t believe they showed up,” Arthur says as he comes back into the living room after saying goodnight to Namrata and Juliet. He settles back on the floor next to me, plates of half-eaten cake at our feet. “I knew they liked me.” He gestures at all of us. “I still can’t believe you’re all here. Everyone’s faces have been the best surprises today.”

  “You win Best Birthday Plot Twist for sure,” I say. No one deserves a birthday party with all his favorite people more than Arthur. He always goes extra for everyone, and it’s about time everyone goes extra for him. He has me making things right. Dylan and Samantha coming straight from the hospital. Ethan and Jessie flying from Georgia. Namrata and Juliet popping in to prove he’s not just the boss’s kid.

  “Now it’s a triple date,” Dylan says. “I have an idea.”

  “No you don’t,” I say.

  “Why yes I do.”

  “If it’s sexual, just don’t.”

  Dylan grins. “Maybe we should have a six-way—”

  “Dylan!”

  “—wedding,” Dylan finishes. “Six-way wedding since we have three couples. Get your mind out of the gutter, Big Ben.” He rolls his eyes at Samantha, who’s busy rolling her eyes at him. “Hey, future wife, you’re the one who made the future-husband comment. You know what you’ve gotten yourself into. I will always love you and I will always hate your coffee.”

  Samantha shakes her head with a smile. “Let’s talk about ‘always’ later. It’s Arthur’s birthday right now.”

  “Agreed,” I say.

  “I’m just saying,” Dylan says. “This is huge. Three couples in one room. This feels like the Fellowship of the Wedding Rings.”

  “His parents met when they were young, and they’re still married today,” I explain to Ethan and Jessie so they’re caught up on why Dylan is the way he is when it comes to love. I turn back to Dylan. “Doesn’t mean everyone else is excited to talk about the future.” I grab Arthur’s hand. “Some of us want to live in our moment.” In our do-over.

  “You’re going to have a lifetime of moments,” Dylan says. “It’s you guys! Arthur and Ben! You defied the odds. This is that Hollywood love. I have no doubts about you two. Distance be damned.” He points at Jessie and Ethan. “You guys seem tight. Just don’t pull a Ben and Hudson and ruin the squad.”

  “Pretty sure you and Harriett ruined the squad first,” I say.

  Dylan waves me off. “Details.”

  “It’s something we talked about, obviously,” Jessie says. “But what were we going to do, not give it a shot? We didn’t just wake up one day with feelings.”

  “Definitely not,” Ethan says.

  “But we had an opening and we took it. Maybe we’ll regret it down the line, but I doubt it. We’ve known each other forever. There’s no throwing away that friendship.”

  I hope some of this relieves Arthur. That when he goes home, he won’t have to constantly freak out about his squad disbanding.

  “Do you guys regret dating your friends?” Ethan asks.

  “Yup, sure do,” Dylan says without missing a beat.

  “You do?” I ask.

  “A good thing got ruined for something that went nowhere. Maybe if I’d known Harriett for as long as these two have known each other, it would’ve been different.”

  “Yeah, but I knew Hudson for even shorter and . . .” I’m nervous about where this conversation is going.

  “Do you regret Hudson?” Arthur asks.

  “I miss my friends,” I say. “It’s not like I need Hudson and Harriett here right now. But I don’t want it to be such a ridiculous thought. They were our best friends, and everything feels so split up. Like I can never hang out with Harriett without it feeling weird for Hudson or Dylan. Hudson and Dylan can’t clown around. I can’t hang alone with Hudson without that awkwardness in the air. No more hanging out just to hang out.”
>
  “But do you regret dating Hudson?” Arthur asks. “You can be honest. It’s okay.”

  “I don’t regret dating Hudson,” I say. I felt differently a few weeks ago. I would’ve kept the truth a secret back then too. But Arthur gets all my honesty. “It’s like Ethan and Jessie. And Dylan and Harriett. We had to try. What if it had been awesome? It wasn’t, but what if it had been? We would’ve never known. And I’m who I am today because I dated Hudson. I’m the guy you like because I dated Hudson. Who you met because I dated him and broke up with him.”

  “Cheers to Hudson,” Dylan says, raising a glass. No one moves. “Too much?”

  I gesture at Dylan’s entire being. “Blanket yes. Too much.” I turn back to Arthur. “I had to answer that what-if question with Hudson. Just like we answered our own.”

  “No regrets there either?” Arthur asks.

  “There’s nothing to regret,” I say.

  “Not yet,” Arthur says.

  “Not ever,” I say, wrapping my arm around his shoulders.

  If I don’t regret Hudson, there’s no way I could ever regret Arthur. I just have no idea what our next chapters look like. What kind of ending we need to brace ourselves for.

  It’s getting late, so we’re figuring out sleeping arrangements. Arthur’s dad was expecting Jessie to take Arthur’s bed, for Arthur to stay in his uncle’s bed, and Ethan to camp out in the living room. This is clearly not happening anymore. Ethan and Jessie are already in pajamas on the foldout couch. Dylan is dragging Samantha into his shameless world and taking Milton’s room. And I’ll be with Arthur in his room. Finally alone.

  If Dylan ever leaves.

  “This room is adorable,” Dylan says when it’s just the three of us in Arthur’s room. “Which bunk do you sleep on?”

  “I’m always on the bottom,” Arthur says, fitting new sheets onto the mattress.

  “Ohhhh,” Dylan says.

  Arthur freezes. “Wait. That’s not what I meant. It’s not not what I mean. I think. But I wasn’t talking about that. Just talking about sleeping. In bunk beds. Nothing else.”

  “Amazing,” Dylan says. “You can’t write this shit. On that note, I’m going to go get started on my future child.”