Love in B Minor

by Elodie Nowodazkij

  “I’m so sorry,” I tell her and I mean every word. And now when I look at her, I see so much more than Lucas’ ex—she’s hurting too, and for many reasons.

  “Me too. I didn’t mean to come between you two. I didn’t know…at the audition. I didn’t know it was serious.” And then she leans back in her chair. Lucas squeezes my hand.

  We spend the rest of the night waiting—until the doctor comes back with good news. “She’s awake and she wants to see you both,” he says. “But only for a few seconds.”

  Lucas stands up, unsteady on his legs at first and then hugs me, whispering in my ear. “Thank you for staying.” He glances behind me. “It’s already six in the morning—let me call the driver for you. You need to go home, what time is your rehearsal?”

  “Nine.” And a yawn escapes me. Lucas dozed on and off but I couldn’t close my eyes.

  “Go, you should go. I’m okay. I promise.” He slightly touches the top of my head with his lips and gives me another hug. “I’ll tell the driver to be there as fast as possible. I’ll call you later, okay?”

  I wince remembering I still don’t have a new number. “Can you call Alisha’s phone? Or the company? I’ll be there all day. Fabian said shooting for me won’t start until next week.”

  “We start today.” He rubs the back of his neck and I rise on my tippy toes, planting a soft kiss on his cheek.

  “I’m there for you. You can also pass by if you want. I’ll be back home around five today.” I pause. “Or I could come back here.”

  “I’ll call you.” He squeezes my hand again as if he doesn’t want to let me go but then slightly nudges me to the side. “Let me call the driver.”

  CHAPTER 39 - LUCAS

  Seeing Jen leave is hard. It’s funny and weird how in such a short time, she became a calming factor for me. It’s like with her I don’t have to worry about being who I am, showing her who I am.

  “Monsieur Wills?” The doctor in charge of Benji’s grandmother’s care calls my name. Both Olivia and I stand up.

  “Vous pouvez me suivre,” he says we can follow him, so we do. Olivia clutches her side as if she’s trying not to break down and I know the feeling.

  I wish I could reassure her, tell her everything is going to be okay, but I can’t. She sniffles but doesn’t say anything. Grand-mère Julie was so important, is so important for us, and not only because she’s our last link with Benji.

  “Cinq minutes.” The doctor opens the door and my chest squeezes so tight I don’t think I’ll ever be able to breathe normally again. Grand-mère Julie looks so frail, so small, so helpless. She used to stand up to Benji, to keep him in check, to not only coddle him but also to try to give him a sense of direction, of purpose.

  Her eyes flutter open. “Lucas, Olivia.” I have to lean in to hear her. I touch her hand and Olivia’s hand carefully falls on her shoulder.

  “Les amoureux,” she whispers. “Les amoureux…” The lovers, that’s what she used to call us when we were sixteen and stealing kisses in her kitchen.

  “Benjamin.” Her voice cracks. “Mort.” She remembers Benji is dead and that shatters my heart.

  “Ça va aller, Grand-mère Julie. Ça va aller.” Olivia caresses her forehead, and then she glances at me with the saddest smile. Her mouth opens and she sings one of the first songs I ever wrote. It was a song about falling in love. At the time, I thought she and I would be together forever.

  Grand-mère Julie closes her eyes and smiles, so I join Olivia in singing.

  Hoping that Grand-mère Julie pulls through.

  CHAPTER 40 - JEN

  I’ve never noticed how many cracks there are on the ceiling of the ballet company’s rehearsal room until now. Maybe because I’ve never raised my eyes to the ceiling as many times before.

  Igor is tough and demanding. And my entire body aches. And he can’t stop yelling.

  “That pirouette was pitiful. Pitiful. You’re supposed to extend your arms at the end—show the hurt that you’re feeling, the devastation at losing someone.” He stomps his foot to the ground like a toddler in crisis. I’d smile if he wasn’t right. My pirouette was pitiful, but it’s hard to concentrate when you’re so tired and when the music reminds you of so much tragedy. “I really thought you would be the best for this role, that you would get how important it is to show the pain, the difficulty of moving on.”

  “I get it.” My voice remains calm and I’m tempted to undo my hair, to put it up again. Something, anything to keep me busy.

  “If you get it, why am I not transported? Why do I see the technique but not the emotion?” He gestures with his hands widely in the air. Audrey pokes her head inside the room, clears her throat.

  “The rehearsal for the show starts in thirty minutes.”

  “Then, we have twenty minutes. I assume you brought a sandwich that you can eat in ten minutes.”

  “I didn’t.” Because I didn’t realize I would only have a ten-minute break between one rehearsal to the other.

  “Audrey, can you please get her one at the bakery next door?” His tone is more subdued when he speaks to her, but then turns harsher again when he turns to me. “You need your sleep. You need your rest. You’ve got to realize not only your career is on the line, but this company too.”

  My chin juts down automatically because he’s right. I know he’s right. But it’s not like I could leave Lucas in the hospital, when he asked me to be with him.

  Audrey steps in the room. “What sandwich would you like, Jen?”

  “The ham and cheese one, please. I’ll reimburse you before leaving. Thank you so much.” I’ve been learning the new choreography for the past four hours now. And part of me stayed with Lucas. “Has anyone called for me?” I don’t look at Igor when I ask, not wanting to see his reaction. I’m pretty sure using the company’s phone for my own personal use would be frowned upon.

  Audrey shakes her head. “No phone calls for you personally.” She tilts her head to the side. “But there have been some calls from journalists—asking if we had any comments about you joining the music video and about someone being at the hospital?”

  “What?”

  “Apparently, there are pictures of Lucas Wills and you at the hospital, holding on to one another.” She clears her throat again. “In one of them, it looks like you’re looking straight at the camera.”

  Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

  I didn’t even think there could be journalists or photographers or people taking pictures in such a tragic moment.

  If Lucas has seen those, he’s going to be devastated. Having his privacy invaded while he’s in despair, especially after everything that’s happened. I don’t get it.

  I hang my head low, not sure what to say, or what to do. I don’t even have my phone with me since I promised Mom this morning per email I wouldn’t be reading any more messages. Apparently, they get worse as it goes.

  Igor curses under his breath in a mix of Russian and French—I only recognize Fuck. “I’m going to say this only once, Jennifer.” His tone is much calmer than during our entire rehearsal, but sometimes a calmer tone coming from him is scarier. “You better not have anything to do with this. I know I said the company needed to gain more exposure, but this is not the way to do it.”

  His words don’t register.

  “Jennifer, I’m serious.” And he sounds serious.

  Surprise leaves me speechless for a second, but then anger and incomprehension simmers beneath the surface and my voice turns icier than the wind we’ve had in Paris. “I would never ever do this.” I glare at him. “Never.”

  Igor stares back at me as if trying to see deep within me if I’m lying or not, and then his shoulders slacken. “Fine. I believe you, but first your name is leaked to bloggers before Grégoire announces it, and then these pictures. I don’t think Lucas will take kindly to being used.”

  “I’m not using him. I have no reasons to use him!” I clutch my sides, re
alizing that Lucas might not believe me. I hope he will. But with everything that’s happened to him before, and with his deep mistrust of people, why would he trust me?

  “Fine.” Igor raises his hand in a calming way. “I told you I believe you. Just be careful out there. That world isn’t all shiny and happy people. Jealousies run high.” And he seems like he speaks from experience. He breathes out and steps forward. This time his eyes are kinder. “Listen, make sure you prepare yourself. There will be waves, there will be criticisms, people trying to destroy you because they want what you have.”

  I force a smile on my face. “It sounds like you’re talking about ballet.”

  “You have a point.” He squares his shoulders back and I know this little moment is over. “I have Grégoire’s number—you can call him.”

  Like that’s going to help me. Before I can reply, he claps his hands twice.

  “Enough talking. Do half of the routine one more time, and I want you to lose yourself in the movements, use the anger you feel to channel it toward dancing. Let go.”

  And I do.

  And even though I manage to dance the routine much better than before, there’s still a nasty little voice in my head that tells me nothing is going to be as easy as it seems.

  That it’s only the beginning.

  CHAPTER 41 – LUCAS

  I slam my fist on the table, staring at the picture of Jen and I cuddled up on the chairs of the hospital. “This is fucking ridiculous. They can’t do that!”

  Olivia and I stayed at the hospital until midafternoon, waiting to see Grand-mère Julie again. We’ve been civil to one another, and having Olivia there was important. Important for Grand-mère Julie, who is lost in a time that is long gone. In a time where Olivia and I were ready to take on the world with Benji by our side. She asked for him once and then chuckled, saying she should remember he was rehearsing.

  As soon as we left the hospital, we got caught in a social media frenzy. Someone posted that picture on Snapchat and it turned viral. They’re playing up the fact that Jen’s the one who’s been chosen for that video. And right now I wish, I really wish we could postpone it, but everything is already set in motion.

  Olivia stands in the corner of the room. “We need to let Jen know that it’s happened.” Her voice is soft but her eyes are shooting daggers. “Trust me, I’m well placed to know how hard being in the spotlight can be.”

  Steve rolls his eyes and mutters under his breath, still loud enough that everyone in the room can hear him. “You also learned how to use the spotlight.” Thought he wasn’t in the band when all the shit went down, I told Steve how difficult the months following Benji’s death have been, how breaking up with Olivia may have been the right thing to do but how hard it was for me to come to the realization that she wasn’t the one.

  Olivia flinches at his words and glances down. “What I’m saying is that sometimes having your name printed across the paper like this isn’t easy to deal with.”

  Grégoire plops back down on a chair and holds his iPad up to look at the picture again. “She does look like she’s staring straight into the camera. How could she have not seen it?”

  “People take pictures with everything these days. IPad, iPod, phones…she may not have realized this was someone invading her privacy.” Olivia steps forward and sits at the table too.

  “I should call her.” I rub the back of my neck. I’ve been so preoccupied with Grand-mère Julie and with that new picture that I haven’t tried to call her yet.

  “How about you wait until after your meeting with Fabian. You said she was rehearsing anyways. She may not even know about it yet.” Grégoire swipes in his iPad. “We need to find a narrative for the story about her using drugs in the past.” And then he taps his fingers on the table. “Is there anything else I should know?”

  Olivia winces. But doesn’t say a word.

  “Olivia?” Grégoire stares at her.

  “I got a weird email this morning. I only read it ten minutes ago and I didn’t want to bring it up right now but…”

  “What?”

  “Someone says they have pictures of Benji…” She gulps as if the next words are hard for her to say. “Pictures of Benji dying.”

  The air around me is gone. I don’t think I can breathe correctly. “What the fuck? What do they want? Why send them to you?”

  “I don’t know. And I don’t have them. All that email says is that we should be careful who to trust.” Her body shakes and her fingers tremble when she shows us the email. Her voice is full of tears. “I don’t know who would do that. I know people hate me, hate us, but to go that far?”

  I slam my fist against the table again. “This is so much bullshit.”

  “We knew that a comeback was going to be difficult. We knew it and we accepted it.” Grégoire sounds reasonable. “Why don’t you guys go meet with Fabian, he wants to take a few shots today, and plan the trip to the Pyrenees for the mountain shots, and I’ll try to get to the bottom of this.” His eyes dart from me to Olivia. “I’ll let you know in case anything changes with Miss Julie. And don’t worry, I’ll handle this.”

  That’s when I’m grateful Grégoire is in our corner. Because no matter how many stories he plants himself, he’s also a pro at dealing with the bullshit that comes along.

  Steve walks by me on our way to our meeting. “Are you sure you’re okay, bro?”

  “I’ll be fine. For some odd reason, it makes me want to sing that song even more.” I shake my head. “It doesn’t make sense, but it makes me feel like it’s the right thing to do for Benji. For him to know somehow that we’re still in this together, that I won’t let him down and let his legacy be tarnished by his last moments.”

  “I get it.” Steve pats my shoulder. “Just make sure you don’t hurt yourself in the process.”

  Easier said than done.

  CHAPTER 42 - JEN

  I’m exhausted by the time the rehearsals for the final show are done. My legs shake as I walk, and I yawn every few minutes.

  “How is the lady doing?” Alisha asks. She let me use her phone as soon as she got there, but I left a voice mail. I still didn’t hear anything from Lucas, and there’s a sinking in my stomach that there’s something wrong.

  “When I left, she was awake but I haven’t gotten any news.”

  “Steve told me they were working on the song about Benji together with Olivia and then looking at a few shots this afternoon. He texted me before their meeting with Fabian.” She has a dreamy look on her face and I squeeze her hand.

  “You sound happy.”

  “Nope, I sound like I’m willing to take a chance. Steve’s been…nice and understanding. I saw him yesterday for dinner.”

  “Oh…”

  She swats my arm playfully and her cheeks flush slightly. “Well, we didn’t go on a dinner cruise on the Seine, but it was nice. Really nice.”

  “Nice is good.” I link my arm with hers and instead of stepping into the courtyard, we take the back exit. There are still a few people set on asking me questions about last night, about whatever is going on, and I don’t feel like putting on a show.

  I managed to call the therapist’s office during the ten minutes Igor gave me for lunch and I got an appointment for tomorrow. I know myself well enough to realize that once all this adrenaline and this robotic-keep-going mode slows down, I might crash. And I can’t crash. I don’t want to crash.

  Snow flurries are falling down and I tilt my head back. “I always loved snow.”

  “It is nice until it becomes all muddy.” Alisha wrinkles her nose when she says “muddy.” She comes from California and is always craving a seventy degrees climate and sunny and the waves of the ocean.

  “How are you really doing?”

  I haven’t told her yet about what the press might reveal soon, and I don’t want to talk about it outside, so instead I tell a half-truth. “Exhausted. Physically and mentally drained.”
>
  Her cell phone rings and she smiles—it’s not a big smile, it’s one of those smiles that says she’s trying to keep her happiness close to her because she’s afraid it’s going to pop and disappear. I get it.

  “It’s Steve. Lucas wants to talk to you.”

  My heart jumps carefully. I’m not sure how he’s going to react about our picture taken together. “Hey…”

  “Hi Laura slash Jen.” His voice is sad but warm and my heart jumps higher. “How did the rehearsals go?”

  “Good. I mean Igor thought that I sucked, but overall I think good.”

  He clears his throat at the same time I clear mine. “Go ahead,” he says.

  “I saw the pictures. I’m so sorry about what you must have gone through today. How is Grand-mère Julie doing?”

  “She’s doing better. Much better, actually.”

  “I’m so glad to hear that.”

  “As for the pictures, I should have known someone might have been there. I always have to be on my guard.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t see anything.”

  “I know you are. I’d love to see you tonight, but I’m going to go back to the hospital.”

  “I could come with you.”

  “I think it’s best I go alone.” He breathes out. “I wish you could be there, but between what happened with the pictures, and your schedule, I don’t want to ask again.”

  “Yesterday, you didn’t ask.” My voice is soft like the beginning of the song he wrote about our night. “I offered. Today, I am offering too. You shouldn’t have to do this alone.”

  He hesitates for a second. “Olivia will be there,” he replies and there’s a pinch in my heart. “I’d love to see you before I leave though.”