Behind the Stars

by Leigh Talbert Moore

  “When I first saw you, I wondered why you were so small,” he said. “If it meant you were a runt or somehow inferior. Weaker than the rest.”

  “Thanks.” My lips pinched into a frown, and he laughed that low, rippling sound.

  “I’m sure you know by now I do not think less of you. You’re very smart, and very different from the others. So very strong.” The last part he added softly.

  “No, I’m not.” I spoke a little louder, going back and slowly easing to sit next to him. “I’m just a dumb little hick.”

  “That’s not true at all.” He sat up straighter. “Your friends look up to you. You’re a leader.”

  His words shot a nervous flash across my stomach. Being a leader was dangerous. We’d all seen how that played out with Cleve. But instead of threatened, Gallatin was completely relaxed. He seemed pleased with me.

  He smiled and reached out to slide a strand of hair off my cheek and behind my ear. I let him do it and didn’t pull away like I should have, and as always, his touch somehow erased my fears. In their place, something wholly unexpected emerged—I was proud of myself. I liked impressing him.

  “So what happened?” I said quietly.

  “When?”

  “There.” I reached out, only a little surprised by my boldness, and lightly touched the damaged skin on his cheek with my fingertips. His eyes softened, and he caught my hand.

  “What’s in Jackson?”

  I jerked my hand away, instantly alert. “What?”

  “The night you were hurt, when you were sleeping, you kept saying Jackson.”

  Bending my knees, I hugged my arms around them and looked out at the water. These last few days I’d allowed my guard to relax, and Jackson had drifted from my mind. Now it was all back in my face. I remembered everything—what I had to do and why, and I was ashamed that I’d been letting my mind drift to thoughts of this guy beside me. I’d been thinking about him as a person and wanting to know him better in a kind of sentimental, affectionate way instead of staying focused on my goals.

  “I’m sorry,” Gallatin said. “I didn’t mean to offend you.”

  “It’s not that. I just remembered someone.”

  “Jackson’s a person?”

  “He’s my fiancé.” I cleared my throat and straightened up. “He’s not here, but I’m going to find him.”

  Instantly, my companion’s demeanor changed as well. He moved away from me and then stood, walked over to the creek, and stepped down into it. I studied his back as he lifted his arms and dove under the surface.

  The little grove was silent as I waited for him to emerge, and when he did, he was on the whole other side, my old side, by the fallen log. I didn’t know what to do now. It was like we’d gone all the way back to the beginning in the space of a few words. But that didn’t make sense. The possibility of something more than friendship was never why I spent time with Gallatin. Was it possible that was why he spent time with me?

  I watched him exploring the hill where the stream met up with the larger pond, then I noticed the position of the sun.

  “We probably should start back,” I called, standing and pulling on my coveralls.

  He looked back and then made his way around the edge of the pool. I picked up the blanket and started to fold it as he stepped into his pants and the pulled the t-shirt over his head. His eyes avoided mine as he loaded the pack and swung it onto his shoulder.

  “Do you need help?” he asked as we began to walk.

  “No,” I said, feeling guilty although I had no idea why.

  We walked in silence to the top of the small hill. Then I stopped and caught his arm.

  “Did I do something wrong?”

  “Of course not,” he said, but our eyes didn’t meet.

  “You seem angry or something.”

  He turned and started walking again with me close behind.

  “Gallatin,” I said. “I thought we were friends. Friends talk about things, right?”

  We were back at the fence, and he paused. This time his eyes did meet mine, and they were sad.

  “Sometimes being here, in this little town, makes me feel... I don’t know.”

  “Like you miss the desert?”

  “Yes. But at the same time...” His eyes traveled around my face. “It’s like something’s happened to me.”

  He turned, and we slipped past the cabins. Then he paused to drop the pack by his door. “It’s early still. Want to see Bully?”

  “Sure,” I said, following him the back way to the barn.

  We entered at the stall, and there was the growing calf with its mother. Gallatin climbed up on the wooden fence and watched him, and I leaned my head against the rail, looking through the space in the boards.

  “We probably should move them to a bigger yard,” I said.

  “I’ve thought of that, but I’m not sure we have space.”

  I leaned back and put my foot on one of the boards, raising myself until I was level with him. Then we faced each other. He looked at me and smiled.

  “What?” I said.

  “So you’re planning to be married?”

  I shrugged. “That was the plan before all this happened.”

  “Did you lose your ring?”

  I studied the back of my left hand. “I didn’t have a ring.”

  “But I thought it was customary in this country to give a ring with a proposal.”

  “We weren’t officially engaged. Yet.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  I looked up at his curious eyes. His previous disposition seemed to have changed somehow, and he wasn’t quite so sad anymore. I chose to believe it was because of Bully. We both liked watching the little bull that brought us together.

  Shrugging, I tried to explain. “It was always just sort of understood that we’d get married after we graduated, next year or something. We didn’t have an exact date.”

  Gallatin nodded and turned his attention back to the calf, and I wondered why in the world I was telling him so much information about my personal life. The whole point was for me to get information about him to help us escape this darn prison camp. Why did I have to justify myself to him? Or back down from what had been set in stone between Jackson and me since forever.

  “So this is your last summer as a girl,” he said, thoughtfully.

  “I guess.” I needed a way to turn the focus back on him. “Did you have anybody special? Back in Arizona?”

  “Sort of,” he said. “But she wasn’t what I thought she was.”

  So shut my mouth. I never expected to feel so curious or disturbed by hearing those words from him.

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means sometimes people aren’t who you think they are.” Then he laughed. “But that isn’t anything you need to worry about. Your future’s all settled, and as smart as you are, I’m sure you’ve found the right person.”

  “That’s right,” I said, turning and climbing down from the fence. “I have. And your business is not my business.”

  I started walking back to the entrance to the barn, but he was at my side in two steps.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I wasn’t trying to make you angry.”

  I to laugh and failed. “Neither of us has any reason to be angry.”

  “So we’re still friends?”

  My blue eyes met his amber ones and for a moment we didn’t move or speak. My whole body was strangely tense, and I wasn’t sure how to answer him. After what felt like an eternity, I exhaled and nodded.

  He squeezed my arm. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Chapter 14

  The rest of the evening, I was seriously bothered by my emotions. I’d never doubted my future or my plans with Jackson, but now this prolonged separation was getting to me—messing with my head.

  It was clearly Stockholm syndrome or something—although I wasn’t quite sure how that worked. What I did know was I missed having the relationship I’d always had with Jackson, and
as a result, I was using Gallatin to fill his empty spot. That’s all it was. I was lonely, and the best cure for my loneliness was to get the answers I needed and to get us the hell out of here. I’d worry later about why that prospect made me feel so sad.

  As I walked in the line to dinner, I thought about the last several days. I’d been spending too much of my free time with Gallatin at the creek, swimming and relaxing. This wasn’t a vacation, and I was getting soft, both in my resolve and in my feelings toward him. I had to refocus on being strong. Being the leader Jackson would be if he were here.

  I needed to talk to someone about our old life. Maybe Braxton or Flora. I needed to spend more time remembering what our world used to be like and thinking about reality. Not this mixed-up summer camp existence I’d somehow fallen into believing we were living.

  We took our trays to our places, and as I slid pieces of meat to Flora, I forced myself to think about how weak she was becoming, being made to work in the hot sun. Yes, she’d been moved to easier chores in the barn, but still. She missed her mother, and she cried in the night and felt alone and afraid.

  I remembered how I was kidnapped off the road and taken from my future plans against my will. Taken away from Jackson and our dreams until I slowly started to forget them. Well, I had sort of been put in an easier position and been given charge of the cows, and since my injury, I wasn’t required to do as much. Gallatin was quick to get me out of anything I didn’t want to do.

  Since that wasn’t working, I thought of Braxton and how this imprisonment had messed up his head and caused him to lose faith. I searched the dining hall for him until I found him across the room, staring into his plate like a lost soul. He’d given up on everything that defined his life and was battling depression and hopelessness. I refused to remember how I’d always been troubled by his fanatical beliefs and outrageous behavior, or how I’d always wished he’d tone it down and be more realistic with his faith.

  No. I made myself see that even D’Lo was talking about crazy things like aliens being real. He’d lost the nerve to fight, and was willing to sit and be drugged and treated like a slave.

  That was the key. I had to see how we were all losing our identities in this place, and the longer we were here, the more this captive mentality became the new normal for us.

  Dinner was over, and it was time for me to report for the evening milk shift, but I didn’t want to see Gallatin tonight. I needed a break from him. I went back to the dormitory instead of the barn and waited to see what would happen, whether a note would come or if one of the guards would come and get me.

  An hour rolled by and nothing happened. I got up from my cot and went to the screened windows facing the barn. The lights were on, and I could see the moving shadow of someone working. I was being allowed to skip. I knew he was letting me off, and guilt twisted painfully in my chest.

  As I slowly walked back to my cot, D’Lo stopped me. The partition wasn’t up yet, and we were being allowed to socialize. It was happening more and more.

  “Hey, Pren.” He sat on the bunk across from mine and leaned forward so his head didn’t hit the top frame. “Come sit with me.”

  I nodded and sat beside him on the bunk.

  “I’ve seen you spending a lot of time with that guy. What’ve you found out?”

  “Nothing,” I confessed, clasping my hands together and staring at my feet. “Nothing we can use.”

  What would D’Lo say if he knew how I’d really been spending my time, swimming in the creek, laughing, and relaxing in the sun, smiling and getting friendly. It was like I was having a holiday.

  “Tell me what you do know. Maybe it’s useful and you don’t realize it.”

  “He was in Arizona before they brought him here.” I was embarrassed by what I knew, and I wasn’t about tell him about the celibacy thing or about us napping side by side on a blanket beside a sparkling pond. Then I thought of something—how we got in and out. “There’s a break in the fence down behind the cabins.”

  “But you have to get past all of them down there.”

  “Right,” I said, nodding.

  “So it’s true, that’s not much.” I felt D’Lo’s eyes on me, and I could feel his disapproval without him saying a word. “I’ve seen how he keeps his eye on you all the time. He’s watching you.”

  Inwardly I squirmed. I knew what Dee was saying was true, but the way I knew it was true because I was always watching him.

  “Since the accident, we’ve gotten to be friends.”

  “That guy is not your friend.” His voice was sharp, and he put his hand on my arm to make me face him. “He’s one of them, and they’re not like us. They’re different.”

  I sighed. “You know I don’t believe that. I think that guard’s messing with your mind.”

  “You haven’t seen what I’ve seen. These guys can do things. Bad things. Without even lifting a finger.”

  “Like what?”

  “I saw that one guy cut through ropes with nothing. No knife, not even standing close to them.”

  I frowned. “What?”

  The lights blinked, and the partition started to close. It was time for us to part, but D’Lo leaned toward me. “I know Jackson made mistakes, and he messed up. A lot. But I always had your back when it came to him. Don’t forget what’s real, Pren. Don’t go looking for a replacement in the wrong place.”

  “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” My voice was sharp, and I stood beside my bunk. “I’m not looking for anything. Jackson was good to me. He never made mistakes.”

  “Okay. Just remember we’ve got to get out of here. Remember that.”

  “I remember.”

  Dee walked slowly to their side of the large room, but he’d hammered home everything I’d been scolding myself about at dinner, leaving me ashamed and embarrassed. At the same time, his words about Jackson stirred up old suspicions I didn’t like. Old whisperings I’d always dismissed as jealousy.

  What mistakes had Jackson made? Why would D’Lo need to have my back? I thought of Yolanda’s comment about Star getting the best of me. I bit my lip as an image of my old rival filled my head. Star had always been after Jackson, but he’d assured me there was nothing there. They were just neighbors, and her mom just babysat him as a little boy. I trusted him. I still trusted him, and I was getting us out of here.

  * * *

  The next morning, I went to chores with renewed determination. Gallatin would take me to the creek again today, and I’d get answers we could use. I’d be damned if I was going to live like a prisoner anymore, and I was going to keep my promise to get us all out of here. No more distractions.

  I found him in the back watching Bully. He seemed surprised to see me, or maybe it was the serious expression on my face that surprised him.

  “Good morning,” he said, watching me. “Come to see our baby?”

  “No. I wanted to talk to you.” I looked around for Oma or any of the others who might be listening. “I want to go to the creek again.”

  Gallatin stepped toward me and spoke quietly. “Okay. But I can’t this afternoon. Cato needs my help with something.”

  I pressed my lips together and exhaled, but he smiled as if that amused him. Or pleased him.

  “I have another idea,” he said. “Would you be willing to go after dinner? Maybe after evening chores?”

  “Oh,” I remembered my no-show last night at chores. “I’m sorry about that. About last night.”

  “No.” He lifted his hand and lightly placed it near my mouth as if to stop my words. “Don’t apologize. We needed a break. Yesterday was—”

  Over, I thought. “I’ll help you tonight, and then we can go.” Then he’d give me answers.

  “I look forward to it.”

  * * *

  Yolanda was at my side at lunch, and D’Lo was across from me, no different than before. But today it felt like they were watching me, wondering if I was still on their side. Flora took the scraps I gave her
, and after the meal, I didn’t want to go down to the shed with them. I didn’t care if my hair flew in my eyes or looked stringy. I didn’t want to feel their pressure to act.

  This afternoon, I wanted to spend time with Flora and Braxton. They were weak, and I needed to make sure they held on until I returned.

  In the grove in the middle of the yard, Braxton sat against a tree staring into nothingness as his habit had become. I eased to a seat beside him and took his hand. Flora followed and sat beside me.

  “How you feeling?” I said to my brother.

  “Tired. Ready to be done.”

  “Well, we’re pretty much finished for the day.”

  “I mean here, with all of it. It’s over and I want to be released. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

  “You mean work on the farm?”

  “I mean get up, get dressed, eat food, keep going. It’s all meaningless, and I’m sick to death of it.”

  He wasn’t joking, and his tone scared me. “Are you saying you want to die?”

  “Maybe. And why shouldn’t I? There’s no reason to keep living.”

  “There’s me,” I said. “And what if you found Lisa again, and you two got married?”

  “Lisa’s not coming back. She’s probably dead. Like the rest.”

  A little squeak from Flora made me put my arm around her and squeeze. “Jesus, Brax. Have a heart.”

  “I’m sorry, Flora,” he said. Then he stood and put his hands in his pockets. I watched him walk slowly across the yard toward our dorms.

  Flora lay her head down in my lap, and I began to comb my fingers through her hair. She was so fragile, but at least her coloring seemed right now. I felt her tremble, and I wanted to make her feel better.