All the While (Senior Semester #3)

by Gina Azzi

I smile to myself.

  * * *

  When we arrive back at my dorm, the security guard makes a show of looking the other way as I drag Zack past his desk, up the stairs, and into the corridor where my room is located. I smile up at him as I unlock the door and watch as he closes it firmly behind us.

  I turn toward him, reaching up and pulling him toward me. I want to kiss him, peel his clothes off, straddle him in my bed, and spend the whole night, or whatever is left of it, making up for all the harsh words I hurled at him.

  “Wait.” He stops me gently, his hands grasping onto my arms and holding my hands lightly. “Not tonight.”

  I raise my eyebrow at him. “Are you seriously turning me down right now?” That’s a first.

  Zack tries to laugh but it’s more of a groan. “You have absolutely no idea how badly I want you right now. In fact, my body and mind are screaming at me to shut the fuck up.”

  “Then what’s the problem?”

  He sighs, sinking to edge of my bed and tugging me down gently beside him. “I care about you, Maura. I’ve cared about you for a while now. And I want to start things between us the right way, despite that incredible kiss on the sidewalk.”

  I smile. “Okay, what’s the right way?”

  He looks down for a moment before turning toward me again. “Not after you’ve been out drinking, needing to forget. Not after we hashed things out about Adrian. Not because you’re grieving the loss of your baby and want to feel connected to someone. When we do get together, and I promise you we will, I want it to be just about us.”

  Shit, he’s turning me down. But he’s doing it for me, because he gets me, understands me. As much as I want to be pissed at him for telling me no, I admire him even more for caring about my emotional state more than wanting my body. Most guys wouldn’t even think about that.

  He presses his lips to my forehead to take the sting out of his rejection. “So for tonight…” he pats the pillow at the head of my bed “…all we do is sleep.”

  I smile, suddenly shy to be this close to him, completely sober and knowing we aren’t going to have sex. What the hell are we going to do? Talk? I nod in agreement anyway.

  “I’m going to use the bathroom …” He gestures toward the door. “Get into your pj’s while I’m gone.”

  “’Kay,” I agree again, watching as he slips out the door to use the shared bathroom. Sighing, I can’t tell if I’m impressed with Zack’s display of morals or disappointed in myself for not tempting him anyway. Ah, I guess it’s for the best. If I am going to be with a guy, I should want to know without a doubt that he’s loyal, right? I change into a pair of sleep shorts and a T-shirt and take out my contacts. Drinking a bottle of water, I flick on my bedside lamp and slide beneath my duvet cover.

  Zack knocks lightly before entering. “All decent?”

  I smile. He’s really sweet. “Yep.”

  He walks into the room and smiles down at me, tugging off his hoodie and jeans. He flips the switch on the lamp before sliding in next to me. He places his face next to mine on the pillow and I sigh as his hand finds mine under the covers, linking our fingers together. “Sweet dreams, Maura.”

  “Goodnight, Zack.”

  Chapter Forty-Seven

  Zack

  When I open my eyes the next morning, I’m greeted by Maura’s sleeping face pressed against the pillow, a slight snore whistling through her nose each time she exhales. Her hair is twisted into a bun on top of her head, messy curls springing free as she snuggles deeper under the covers. A pillow line creases her cheek and her lips purse as though deep in thought. She’s completely adorable, and I remain still, hesitant to wake her. However, after several minutes of observing her sleeping form, I really need to take a piss and my body is aching to stretch. Carefully, I push back my side of the covers and slip out of bed, shifting my weight slowly on the mattress. She doesn’t move a muscle; she must be a deep sleeper then. I shake my head, chuckling to myself at how sweet and peaceful she looks in sleep. The sarcastic quip always on the edge of her tongue takes a rest along with her.

  Making my way out into the hallway, I close the door softly behind me and nod good morning at the guy exiting the room across the hall. I walk down to the bathroom, take a piss, and swipe some toothpaste out of someone’s shower caddy to brush my teeth with my finger.

  Making my way back to Maura’s room, I tug on my jeans and hoodie and grab my phone and wallet off her desk to go find us some coffee and bagels for breakfast. When I step out into the cold morning air, I curse myself for not wearing a jacket the night before. Ice patches gleam in the sunlight and the air is frigid, whipping against my cheeks as I hunch forward and stuff my hands deep into my pockets. Walking half a block down, I pop into the nearest bagel shop and inhale deeply, the scent of fresh baked bagels and brewing coffee enveloping me.

  “Hey, man, what can I get for you?” the guy behind the counter asks.

  “Hey. Two coffees please, milk in both, no sugar. And two egg, cheese, and pork roll on everything bagels.”

  He nods. “Salt, pepper, ketchup?”

  “Yup.”

  “Twelve seventy.”

  I hand him a twenty and wait for my change.

  He hands me the coffees. “The sandwiches will be five minutes.”

  “Great, thanks.” I nod and walk over to one of the corner tables, taking a seat by the window. It’s 8:30 AM meaning it’s 7:30 AM at home, meaning Nicole could use a wake-up call. I pull out my phone and give her a ring, taking a sip of the scalding coffee and wincing as I burn my tongue.

  “Hello?” Her voice is groggy and thick with sleep.

  “Wake your ass up!” I shout into the phone.

  She groans. “What the hell is wrong with you and what do you want?”

  “Nothing is wrong with me. I’m awesome. Just wanted to see how you’re doing.”

  “This is payback isn’t it? For all the times I’ve called you when you were already asleep, your alarm set for 5:00 AM.”

  “Maybe. So, what’re you up to this weekend?”

  Nicole groans again but I can sense she’s starting to wake up since she starts right in on me. “Did you do it yet?”

  “Do what?”

  Nicole sighs, exasperated. “Ask Maura out.”

  “Kind of. You were right. You can hang it over my head for all of eternity.”

  “Well…” Nicole pauses dramatically “…we always knew I was obviously right. That was never even up for debate. Tell me what happened. What the hell does ‘kind of’ mean?”

  I sigh. “I can sense the gossip gleam shining in your eyes like a crazy, deranged person.”

  She laughs again. “Shut up and spill it.”

  I take another sip of the scalding coffee. “Maura and I talked. But we didn’t actually conclude anything.”

  “Finally. How’d it go down?”

  “She called me drunk last night, sitting on a sidewalk and craving pizza.”

  Nicole laughs. “And?”

  “And we talked, really talked. But she was drunk and so I need to make sure we’re on the same page now that’s she just hungover.”

  “Good thinking.”

  “Yeah.”

  “But you’re happy?” My sister’s voice turns serious, and I smile. Nicole, for all her antics and crazy ways, always has my back, always looks out for me, and always wants the best for me.

  “Yeah, Nic, I’m happy. What else is going on?”

  We chat for a few more minutes as Nicole fills me in on Mom and Dad and tells me about a date she has with some hotshot lawyer this weekend. The guy from Halloween never panned out. When I hang up the phone, I’m cheesing way too hard, which has everything to do with the text message from Maura that appears on my screen.

  Maura: Morning sunshine! Where’d you disappear to?

  * * *

  Maura and I spend the remainder of the day under the covers of her bed, carb-loading and binge-watching House of Cards on Netflix. Every now and then we
discuss the episodes, compare stories on what we predict will happen next, or just make general observations.

  “Maura?” I interrupt whatever Francis Underwood is saying on screen.

  “Yeah?” She looks over at me, and I guess I look serious because she pauses the episode. “What’s up?”

  “I just … I want to make sure we’re on the same page. After last night?”

  She smiles, her eyes gleaming wickedly. “And what page is that?”

  I stifle a laugh. Of course she’s going to make me say it. I swear she is unlike any girl I’ve ever met. Almost every girl I know would be clamoring for some type of reassurance this morning. But not Maura. Nope, she’s got me playing the role of the typical chick. And for some bizarre reason, I don’t even care. “I know you’re not ready to be in a relationship.” I pause and watch her closely.

  She looks down for a beat before meeting my gaze and nodding slowly.

  “And that’s fine. I don’t know what we are but it doesn’t matter because I know how I feel about you. So I just need you to know that I’m here for you and I’m waiting and whenever you’re ready, I want to give us a real shot.”

  Her smile this time is genuine. “Me too.” She moves closer to me, snuggling into my side. “I’m sorry I’m so fucked-up.”

  I laugh. “You’re not fucked-up. You’re grieving.”

  She sighs. “Still. I don’t want you to think I don’t want to be with you. Because I do.”

  I nod. “I know. We’ll just take it slow.”

  She looks up at me beneath her dark lashes. “So we just take it one day at a time?” The incredulity in her voice causes me to pause. Has any guy ever been decent to her?

  “One day at a time,” I echo.

  She places a kiss on my shoulder. “Okay. Thanks.”

  I nod and press play for the episode to resume.

  After that we sink into a comfortable silence, where words don’t need to be spoken because we know where we stand with each other, we’re comfortable around each other, and the pieces are all starting to fit together the way they’re supposed to. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll wait until she’s ready to really be mine. And she knows it.

  Before I leave that night, Maura asks me to have dinner with her the following day. “Sure,” I tell her casually, but really I’m relieved. We’re definitely heading in the right direction.

  DECEMBER

  Chapter Forty-Eight

  Maura

  I wake on the first of December to a light dusting of snow as snowflakes flurry gently from the sky. It’s cold outside, the kind of cold that hurts your chest when you breathe in too deep, and I savor the feeling as I clutch a hot cup of Starbucks Peppermint Mocha between my hands. An energy, an excitement, a new sense of hopefulness flows through me as my boots crunch through the snow on my way to practice. We’ve been practicing indoors for a few weeks now and it’s a quick walk to the gym where the Erg room is located. This allows me an extra fifteen minutes of sleep in the morning, which somehow makes a big difference in my mood.

  “Hi, Kay.” I smile at our team captain as I sip the last of my drink and discard the paper cup in the nearby recycling bin. “What’re we doing today?” I sit down in the corner of the room to remove my boots in favor of sneakers.

  Kay waves a hand at me absently. “Hey, Maura. One under intervals followed by thirty minutes steady. It’s not too bad,” she replies before sitting next to me and putting on her sneakers.

  I nod, thinking over our workout and calculating what my heart rate should be throughout the intervals.

  “Our times are improving steadily. I think Holy Cross and Wakefield are going to be our biggest competitors going into the spring season.” Kay continues, looking at me from the corner of her eye as she double knots her laces.

  Holy Cross and Wakefield are always tough competitors but this season, Holy Cross held on to most of their varsity eight from last season and the girls, now in their senior year, are seasoned and perfectly in sync after having been rowing together for a solid two years. I nod in agreement. “Yeah our times are definitely better, but I think we may need to switch up our start to compete with Wakefield. They’re start is really powerful and they managed to take the lead from the get-go in a lot of the fall regattas.”

  She purses her lips for a moment, considering my suggestion. “What do you have in mind?” She turns to me fully then, her eyes curious.

  And so we begin to talk crew, stats, starts. Just like we used to. Before. The rest of the team floats in throughout our conversation. The girls remove heavy layers of jackets, sweatshirts, hats, and boots. By the time we’ve assembled onto our ergs and Kay has written the workout on the whiteboard at the front of the room, it seems like I’m whole again. Maura the rower, the athlete, the winner.

  Just in time for winter training.

  Practice passes surprisingly quickly, and I finish the sets with strong times. I’m pleased with my performance and a bit relieved that after so many months of slacking off, I’m still able to compete at a decent level. I’m nowhere near where I was, or where I should be, but I’ll get there. I’m committed now so things are different.

  After practice, I toe off my sneakers and slide back into my boots. Picking up my practice bag, I check my phone and smile that there’s a message from Zack.

  Zack: Good morning, bet your up before the sun. Snow’s already sticking. Want to do dinner in the form of takeout tonight instead?

  Me: Sure, sounds good. Come to my dorm around 7?

  He responds instantly.

  Zack: I’ll be there. Italian OK?

  Me: Perfect. Xo

  “Oh wow, Maura, what’s with the smile?” Valerie calls me out, nudging Amanda in her side. “Get a look at Rodriguez’s face. Who’s the guy?”

  I blush.

  Several other teammates look at me now, and the girls laugh in amusement.

  “I have a date tonight,” I confess.

  Kay whistles loudly and hysterics erupt again.

  “Good for you,” Valerie says seriously. “It’s about time a boy made you smile like that.”

  Casey nods in agreement. “Yeah. It’s about time you smile in general.”

  Amber snorts in response.

  I can’t help the grin that stretches across my face. As much as I’ve pulled away from these girls the past few months, it feels really good to be back among them again. I forgot how much fun we all have together, traveling to regattas, spending most of our waking hours together, confiding in each other. I forgot how much I miss this, miss them.

  “Thanks,” I say, averting my gaze and picking up my duffle bag. “Hope to not see you suckers tomorrow morning.”

  Everyone laughs except Kay. “We’ll still have practice. The snow won’t be that bad.”

  “Yeah, okay, Hillard.” Valerie rolls her eyes. “Have fun tonight, Maura.”

  I wave a hand in farewell and head out of the gym to my Photography class.

  * * *

  By the time dusk falls, the snow is several inches high and patches of black ice hide along the pathways around McShain. A massive storm is coming and forecasters are predicting eight to ten inches of snow tonight. Hopefully classes, and maybe even practice, will be cancelled in the morning. I’m relieved Zack had the foresight to reschedule our dinner plans so we didn’t have to cancel. It’s embarrassing how excited I am to see him tonight. Things are different now; I’m getting to the place I need to be in for us to be together. Like a real couple. And he’s patiently waiting. Like the good guy I don’t deserve but am relieved to have a chance with.

  I smile to myself before raising my hands to my cheeks. I’m really freaking happy and the thought is somewhat unsettling as I realize how unhappy I’ve been for so long. Just living in a fog, going through the motions, getting through the day. But now it’s like I’m waking up after a really long sleep, viewing my surroundings in a new light, seeing everything with a completely different perspective. The colors are sharper, the
voices louder, everything brighter.

  Being happy is actually a relief.

  I’m waiting in my dorm for Zack to show when my FaceTime rings and Mia’s name shows on my screen.

  “Hey, Mia,” I answer, smiling as her camera switches from black to her face.

  “Hi! How are you?”

  “Good, you? You look happy,” I comment, noting her bright eyes and wide smile.

  “So do you.” She shoots back before tilting her head to study me. “You look different actually. What’s going on?”

  I shrug.

  “Spill it, Maura.”

  “I have a date.”

  Mia’s mouth drops slightly. “With who?”

  “Zack.”

  Confusion crosses her face. “Do I know him?”

  “Kind of.”

  Mia narrows her eyes, pursing her lips in thought. “Adrian’s friend?”

  “Ding, ding, ding.” I smile at her.

  “Oh my God.” A hand covers her mouth in surprise. “When did this happen? I thought he was just like, looking out for you or something.”

  I nod. “Yeah, me too. But it sort of … I don’t know, developed into more. Is that bad?” I ask suddenly, desperate for Mia’s reassurance that I’m not doing something wrong by falling for Adrian’s best friend.

  “No!” she exclaims, her eyes growing serious. “Not at all. I think it’s really amazing actually. It’s great that you’ve found someone that understands everything you’ve been going through and also has a connection to Adrian. It’s perfect really. You guys already have an understanding, a kind of shared history, you know?”

  I nod, chewing my bottom lip as I reflect on her words. I never really thought about it that way, but I think one of the reasons I am so attracted to Zack is because of his connection to Adrian. And because I know, despite his initial reluctance, that Adrian would approve. In fact, he’d really like the fact that I was with a guy that has the character, the morals, the qualities that Zack possesses.