Hush-a-bye don’t you cry
Go to sleep-y little baby
When you wake, you shall have
All the pretty little horses.
I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. My breath caught in my chest.
Jazz’s hand went to my back. “Are you all right?”
But I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t tear my eyes off Rocky and Elisa, she looking at him with absolute delight on her face, he looking at her as if seeing her for the first time, then turning his attention to sing to her babe within.
They’re falling in love. He’s singing her babymybaby’s song. The baby I never …the baby I’ll never…I swallowed hard. A tiny “Oh…” escaped my mouth.
“Bell?” Jazz whispered in my ear. He tried to pull me away from the door but didn’t succeed before Rocky saw us. He finished the song with aplomb.
“Babe,” he said, smiling. “I hope you don’t mind. It’s the only lullaby I know. I wanted to sing to Elisa’s baby.”
Elisa’s head spun around to look at me. She looked like I’d caught her kissing my boyfriend behind the bleachers during prom.
I couldn’t say a word, just stood there with a smile pasted on my face. Mortified.
“You ready to go, babe?” Rocky asked, totally oblivious to my pain.
Elisa’s face fell. I don’t think she could have hidden her disappointment if she’d wanted to. “Are you and Bell going somewhere?”
“I’m going with her to see her”——he censored himself——“doctor.” He looked Jazz over. “At least I thought I was.”
Jazz didn’t miss a beat. “Actually, Rocky, Bell came by to tell you that we don’t need you. I’m taking her. You can stay here and keep doing what you’re doing. You kids have fun.”
Rocky looked confused. “Are you sure, babe?” His brown eyes said, “Didn’t he just kill somebody?”
All I managed was a hoarse “Don’t call me babe.” Somehow, saying it to him that time filled me with a sadness that I thought would kill me.
Babe.Soon I wouldn’t ever have to ask him not to call me that. He’d call Elisa his babe. He’d call the fatherless child——this one he would surely step in to raise——his babe, just as sure as he’d sung a lullaby to it. It all fit together. I could see God’s plan working out. Elisa needed someone to love, and so did Rocky. I just wished it didn’t leave me feeling so bereft of hope.
I closed my eyes. My legs trembled, and my eyes pooled with tears.
Rocky put down his guitar. “Are you okay? Are you sure you want to go with him?”
I nodded. “I’m sure, Rocky.”
Rocky didn’t looked convinced. “Why do you look so upset, babe?”
He could be so naive at times. Again, lamely, “Don’t call me babe.”
Jazz got busy. “We had a littlelover’s quarrel this morning.” “Lover” was emphasized just to torment Rocky, who remained oblivious to Jazz’s implication. “She’s still salty with me.” Jazz grabbed my hand and pulled me to him. Touched my cheek. Looked in my eyes with so much love. “I’m so sorry, Bell.” He didn’t mean our argument at all, bless him.
A tear fell down my face. He wiped it away. “Aw, baby. Look at you. It’ll be all right.” Jazz looked at me, then at Rocky. “I’d better get her out of here.”
Rocky moved toward me, but Jazz stood between us, rolling his shoulders back, ready to rumble, no doubt. “I’ll take care of her, Rocky. Why don’t you just enjoy what you were doing with Elisa?”
Rocky grabbed my wrist, but it was Jazz he spoke to. He spoke softly, but his eyes were serious. He wasn’t good at being a lion, but he tried. “I don’t think I want her to go with you, man.”
“I think you’d better let her go,man. ”
Rocky held fast to my wrist, even though I knew he saw Jazz as a threat. “Babe?”
I gently pulled my arm out of Rocky’s grasp. “Jazz is right. You and Elisa looked like you were having fun. And Jazz is——”
“Innocent until proven guilty in a court of law,” Jazz said. He whisked me out the door and down the corridor.
“Don’t look back,” he whispered. “Just act like you really want to go with me.”
I didn’t need to act. Idid want to go with him. I wanted to go with him to wherever he wanted to take me. I didn’t care at the moment what he’d been accused of.
I heard Rocky’s voice calling behind us, “Babe, wait.”
Jazz returned his call. “Rocky, don’t call her babe.”
He took my hand and led me to the sanctuary of my happy yellow car. He didn’t even complain about getting in.
chapter seventeen
POORJAZZ.Not only did he have to endure entering the Love Bug but he had to drive it to Dr. McLogan’s office, hand me Kleenex, and speak to me in soft, comforting tones. He didn’t ask me any questions, just offered assurances that everything would be all right.
When we pulled in to the parking lot, I realized that I hadn’t told Jazz much of anything, including where we were or why we were there. I touched his knee. “This is my fertility doctor. I’d originally asked Rocky to come with me, but…well, you know.”
“I see,” Jazz said tersely.
I paused. “I’m not sure you do see, Jazz. I just asked Rocky——”
“You don’t owe me an explanation.”
“I think you may have the wrong idea. If you think——”
“Look, I don’t really care. I’m here because I showed up at your door, and now you’re stuck with me.”
“But, Jazz——”
“Can we please go inside, if that’s what you need to do?”
I sighed.Men. Honestly! I wanted to give them up for a monastic life. Rocky gave Elisa my baby’s song and thinks I’m dating a murderer. Now Jazz thinks I asked Rocky to go to the fertility clinic with me for God only knows, but I can just about guess, why.
Jazz escorted me to Dr. McLogan’s suite on the fourth floor. The office had been decorated in a manner similar to other institutions where people go because something horrible is going on in their lives——jail, morgue, “I can’t have a baby” clinic. Their attempt to create a soothing atmosphere fails miserably with awful paintings hung on walls, painted in terrible “healing” colors, and cheap furniture that tries to say “home” but never does.
I’d finally stopped crying, and we sat in the waiting room on a big floral sofa. Jazz sat at an unusual——for him——distance from me.
“Are you okay, Jazz?”
He made a gruff, inconclusive noise.
“You just seem a little…put off. I know I made quite a spectacle of myself at the church.”
“At leastthat was honest.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He glared at me. He opened his mouth to speak, but Dr. McLogan interrupted us. “My dear, it’s good to see you.”
I smiled at the kindly old leprechaun. His suit, always a tad long for his short frame, sagged on his thin shoulders. But his green eyes twinkled with fire and mischief. He tucked a wisp of too long, once red hair behind a big, round, mouselike ear and grinned at us.
“Thank you, Dr. McLogan, this is my——”
Jazz thrust out his hand. “I’m Jazz.”
Dr. McLogan shook Jazz’s hand, and I could tell Jazz gave the poor man a crushing squeeze. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.” His gaze shifted to me. “Will Jazz be joining you?”
“I’m her man,” Jazz answered for me.
I shot him an icy look, to which he replied, “Come on, baby. Biological clocks are tickin’.”
Dr. McLogan looked at me, clearly amused. I rolled my eyes. “I guess Jazz is coming in with me.”
On the way to Dr. McLogan’s office, Jazz swung his arm around me like he owned me. He swaggered to the tenth power.
I plotted his destruction. “Why are you acting like this, alpha male?”
“Who’s acting?”
I elbowed him in the ribs with a harsh whisper: “Cut it out.”<
br />
He harrumphed at me. I hate being harrumphed at.
Before we’d even gotten through the door, Jazz bombarded the doctor with questions. “So can she have a baby or not?”
Dr. McLogan looked taken aback but answered graciously, “We’re here to discuss that possibility.” He motioned for us to have a seat, which we did in the two upholstered chairs across from his massive cherrywood desk.
Jazz started up immediately. “Why don’t we cut to the chase. Yes or no?”
Dr. McLogan paused. He actually seemed tickled by Jazz’s antics. “Well, Amanda knows it’s possible, but it won’t be simple.”
“Why not?”
I decided to spare Dr. McLogan the rest of this inquisition. “I’m sorry, Dr. McLogan. Jazz clearly has a mood disorder that’s flaring up. Not to mention horrid manners. Not to mention a bit of psychosis, as he thinks he’s ‘my man.’”
“Mason’s told me about Jazz.”
“You know Mason?” Jazz grinned. “My man.” He swung an arm out to give Dr. McLogan five, which Dr. McLogan readily offered.
I frowned at the two of them bonding. “If you two are finished, continue with”——I gave Jazz a withering Addie-like stare so he would stay quiet——“what you were saying, Doctor.”
Jazz shuddered. “You looked just like my mother when you did that.”
“Dr. McLogan,” I prompted the man again.
He shook his head at me. “Well, I’m afraid the medications you’ve been taking are not as effective as I’d hoped they would be.”
We’d tried every available medication on the market to stimulate ovulation in my failing ovary——the ovary that endometriosis hadn’t ruined. I’d paid an obscene amount for all the prescriptions my insurance didn’t cover.
“So now what?” I asked.
He leaned forward, reached a hand across his desk, and placed it over mine. “Amanda, I asked you here because you’ve reached a critical point in your treatment.”
“What are you saying? What kind of critical point?” My heart stumbled around in my chest, running into things.
“I’m afraid you’re out of time, my dear. I told you a few months ago you shouldn’t wait much longer.”
“I’m out of time?”
“If you really want to try for a baby, you need to do it now.Now, dear one.”
Jazz and I exchanged a look.
Dr. McLogan continued. “I’d like to give you a shot of HCG today to induce ovulation, and try the intrauterine insemination procedure in the next few days.”
My heart felt like it had stopped. “In the next few days?”
“I warned you it would come to this. If you don’t move forward now, the procedures will become more expensive and more invasive, which means more risky. They will also be far less likely to work, my dear. And I must say, at your age, it wouldn’t be worth the risks.” He sounded like my mother.
He leaned back in his seat. He had good leather seats that didn’t squeak when he moved. “Would you consider the possibility of adopting?” he asked.
“Dr. McLogan, I’d really like to have a baby. I missed…”
I missed everything. I gave it all to Adam, the nutjob who I left God for years ago, and I lost it all.
When I didn’t finish my sentence, Dr. McLogan spoke. “I asked you to bring someone with you because I’d like to talk about what kind of support you have for going forward with the artificial insemination using an anonymous donor. Who will support you in this?”
I sighed and jiggled my leg. “That’s a good question. My sister, Carly, doesn’t care one way or the other.”
Jazz jumped in with a little revelation of his own. “She’s been talking to Mason about this for months. He thinks she should reconsider becoming a single mother. He told her he believes parenting is too hard a task to go it alone if you don’t have to. I agree.”
“Thanks for your input, Jazz,” I said, throwing him a dirty look.
He ignored my sarcasm. Now that Dr. McLogan was his boy, Jazz got bold. “So she’s really thinking of getting inseminated with an anonymous donor’s, uh…donation?”
Dr. McLogan nodded as if that were the saddest news he’d ever heard. “We’ve discussed it.”
Jazz to me: “You can’t be serious, Bell. What if you get pregnant by a nutjob?”
“Jazz, do you have to be so obnoxious today? At this moment?”
“Do you haveanyone’s support for doing this?” Jazz asked me.
I didn’t speak.
“You don’t, do you?”
My defenses went up like strip malls in the suburbs. “I don’t necessarily have to use an anonymous donor,” I said. “I did have a friend who considered volunteering.”
“What friend?”
“A friend, Jazz.”
“Name him.”
“I don’t want to.”
“You don’t have that many friends——especially males.” A look of horror swept across his face. “Don’t tell me you asked yourboyfriend .”
I shot a look at Dr. McLogan, then back at Jazz. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”
Dr. McLogan chuckled. “I thought Jazz was your boyfriend, dear.”
“I’m herman. ”
Dr. McLogan seemed amused. “I see.”
Jazz’s attitude grew worse by the second. “Hemust be your boyfriend. You asked him to father your child.”
“Why are you so jealous of Rocky?”
“Maybe because you want to have hisbaby. ”
“I also wanted an anonymous donor’s baby. He wouldn’t be my boyfriend, either.”
Jazz’s shoulders curled in, and he sank in his seat like a sullen little brat. “You can’t have a baby with Rocky.”
“Who even said it’s Rocky?”
“Who else would it be? Mason? Of course it’s Rocky. Did you bring him here before?”
I didn’t answer.
“I can’t believe you. You never brought me here, and I told you twice that I’d help you.”
“You did no such thing.”
“I did. Once in your apartment——”
“The day I fainted? You were kidding.”
“Says who? And I offered when you were in the hospital.”
“You said that because I thought I could be pregnant by a nutjob.”
“I said that because I wanted to help you have a baby.” He went into a full snit. “I’m disappointed. You never once considered me, did you?”
Was he for real? Of course I had considered him. He was my dream man, but I wouldn’t dare ask. If he’d said yes, I’d have wanted much more than his baby.
Dr. McLogan smiled. “Would you two like to be alone? Mason told me you were like this.”
“No!” we said in unison.
Jazz jumped back on his soapbox. “Rocky! How can you considerRocky ? Have you ever looked at his head?”
“What’s that got to do with anything?”
“Let’s just say I can see why his parents named him Rocky. You wanna mark your kids with heads that look like the four inner terrestrial planets? Maybe you do. You, Rocky, and little Mercury, Jupiter, Venus, and——”
“It was just a thought,” I said. “A fleeting one. And Venus is a very cute name for a girl.”
Dr. McLogan stood. “I’ll leave you two alone for a minute.” He stepped quietly away from us.
No sooner than the door closed behind him did our bickering stop. Jazz folded his arms across his chest. His tight-set jaw and sad brown eyes told me that not only was he angry at me, I’d hurt him.
I tried to get back in his good graces. “It was right after I stopped seeing you, Jazzy. You’d said you were unavailable. I didn’t think I had a future with you, and I desperately wanted a baby.”
“You thought you had a future withRocky ?”
“I thought I’d always have a friend in Rocky.”
“You didn’t think you could be my friend?”
“No, Jazz.”
“Why not?”
“Because my feelings for you go far deeper than they ever did with Rocky.”
He looked at me, and I thought I saw a flicker of hope in his eyes.
“Jazz, I never meant to hurt you. It’s just that…I’m afraid I’m fairly desperate when it comes to this. I want a child badly. More than anything else in the world.”
Besides you.
He peered at me. “I want one badly, too. You have no idea how much.”
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know how to address that.
Jazz still looked dejected. “You were going to bring Rocky today, not me.”
“Just for moral support. Dr. McLogan said to bring someone with me. I knew this would be bad news, but I had no idea he would say I needed to have a baby right now. You told me you didn’t think it was safe for me to be around you. That’s why I didn’t think to ask you to come. And Rocky is…well, he’s like a rock to me.”
Jazz didn’t respond.
I sighed. I didn’t want to have to explain myself to Jazz. I didn’t want to sit there consoling him while the reality that I would most likely be childless struck me with brute force. “I’m not going to have a baby with Rocky. I’m not going to have a baby at all.” I choked on the last word. Saying the truth out loud brought a fresh wave of tears, but Jazz didn’t come to my rescue.
Man, can’t a girl get some sympathy around here? Did he hear what I said? I’m not going to have a baby. As in at all!
I thought I’d give Jazz a hint that it was time to comfort me now. “Jazzy…” I croaked.
He didn’t say anything.
“Jazzy! I’m suffering here. Helloooo.”
He looked over at me. “Yeah. Bell…”
I gave up and grabbed the Kleenex myself before I had an unfortunate accident involving snot. He didn’t seem to notice that I’d progressed well into self-comfort. In fact, he seemed lost in his own thoughts. I touched his knee. “Jazz?”
“I married her because she got pregnant.”
I sat back in my chair. I knew it. Why else would he have married Kate? “What happened? Did she lose the baby?”
Death, Deceit & Some Smooth Jazz Page 20
