“She aborted it two weeks later.”
“Jazz, why?”
“I don’t know. I discovered by accident that she’d had an abortion. She never told me why she did it. I got so angry that I wouldn’t speak to her. I shut her out for a month.”
“And then she had the affairs.”
“And then I divorced her. We never had a marriage.”
I didn’t feel a need to reply.
“I wanted the baby. I would have tolerated her, honest to God, just to have the baby. I wanted a son. I have always wanted a son.”
I scooted my chair close to his. “I’m so sorry, Jazz.”
“Every time you told me about your little girl, I was right there with you. I knew all those feelings. I just didn’t want to talk about my own baby drama. I still want a son——”
“You have plenty of time to——”
“——with you.”
“Excuse me?”
“Tell Dr. McLogan we want to do it.”
My heart pounded so fast I thought Jazz would be able to see the imprint of it coming out of my blouse. “Tell him we want to dowhat ? ‘Do it’ has a street definition, too, you know.”
He turned to face me and took both my hands in his. “We can do it all, baby.”
I snatched my hands away. “How are we going to do itall ? Jazz, you happen to be in a lot of trouble right now.”
“I know what my circumstances are.” He paused, his Godiva-chocolate eyes boring into mine, making my peanut-butter skin tingle. “How could I be worse than a total stranger?”
“Their donors are well screened.”
“So am I. I come with references.”
“References?”
“Jack and Addie. My brothers and sisters. Mason May.”
“Mason?”
“I’ve been in counseling with Mason, too, twice a week since I met him.”
“You have?” I could have fallen out of the chair. “Why?”
“I wanted to know if I could remarry. He didn’t tell me what to do. He helped me to make the decision for myself. I chose yes. I chose you.” He took my hand in his. “Choose yes for me now, Bell.”
I felt like I had just been plunged into a parallel universe where the most gorgeous man on the planet wanted me to be his wife and his baby’s mama. My mouth flew open. “Yes to what? What are you asking me?”
“I want us to have a baby. I want you to marry me.”
“Are you kidding me?” Oh yeah. I was on Planet Shock right now. I was sure if my heart beat any faster, I’d fall dead where I sat.
“I’m serious.” He squeezed my hand. “Don’t you see? You can have what you want, and you don’t have to do it alone. You can have your baby and, in the package, get a father for him, and grandparents, and uncles and aunts. And a husband. I can take care of you. Iwant to take care of you.”
That beat the heck out of cuddling with my sugar glider! My head was like the tornado inThe Wizard of Oz. Amid the wreckage in my brain appeared images of the people in my life who would be horrified if I married Jazz now. If I thought I had little support for artificial insemination, I’d have zero for marrying a man who could be a murderer. “How are you supposed to take care of me? Are you forgetting that you’re suspended from your job? How am I supposed to marry you with all this going on?”
“I can’t give you a baby without marrying you.”
“I didn’t ask you for a baby.” But the idea compelled me like a lover calling me into a dark corner for some forbidden intimacy——an intimacy I wanted with everything in me.
Jazz looked at me with an intensity I had not seen before. “Don’t have an anonymous donor’s baby, and don’t miss out on the opportunity because of what’s going on with me. This is just a nightmare we’re going to wake up from. Havemy baby, Bell. Marry me for the security you’d get.”
Rational Bell warred with the other Bell——the one with the sexy clothes and willing body. The one who shouted to my soul, “Yes! You love him. Marry him.” And my soul heard her loud and clear. And the third Bell, the insecure one who knew no man this good could ever want her for long, couldn’t trust that her deepest dreams could come true.
Rational Bell squeaked out, “What security? My whole point is that your life is horriblyinsecure right now.”
The pitch of his voice rose. “I didn’t do it.”
“Jazz, you’re starting to sound like Samuel L. Jackson in…every movie he’s ever made.”
“You really do think I killed her, don’t you?”
I didn’t answer him. I had gone over that crime scene a million times in my head. It didn’t seem like he’d done it, but I also knew I didn’twant to see Jazz as good for a murder.
Again those dark, delicious eyes enticed me. “Trust me.”
“Jazz…”
I could have what I wanted. This was better than Willy Wonka’s golden ticket. He was offering a ticket to one endless Jazz fest. And I wanted to go, but nobody else would appreciate my presence there. I could choose Jazz or everybody else.
He slumped back in his chair and turned his head away from me. His mouth flattened into a hard line. He didn’t even glance in my direction when he said, “No one has to know we’re doing this.”
The idea intrigued me.No one has to know? “How will no one know if we have a child?”
“Until this mess blows over, and it will, we’ll keep it a secret. After that…we figure out the details. When you conceive, you’ll have the protection a marriage offers.”
Rational Bell spoke out loud. “I don’t need protection. I’ve been taking care of myself for a long time.”
Insecure Bell wanted to say,There’s no security with a man like you. You’ll leave the moment someone more beautiful comes along. And that won’t take more than a minute.
Jazz continued to plead his case. “What if the pregnancy is difficult and you can’t work? You barely have enough for the procedure. Who would support you?”
Irrational Bell shouted in my head:He’s got a point. Marry the sexy beast!
“Shut up,” I said aloud.
“Excuse me?”
“I’m sorry, Jazz. Go on.”
He gave me a quizzical look but continued. “What if you had a catastrophic illness? You know it can take years to get disability. Mywife would have access to my health insurance, not mybaby’s mama. C’mon, Bell. You’re a shrink. You know marriage protects you more than any other arrangement.”
Irrational Bell belted out a rousing chorus of “The Wedding March,” followed by a sultry rendition of Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On.”
“Will you please stop?” I told my saucy alter ego.
“Bell, I don’t want to stop. We can make this work. It could be business. Like a——what do you call it?——a marriage of…of…”
Mind-blowing SEX with the finest man ever,said Irrational Bell.
“Convenience,” I filled in meekly.
It’d be convenient, all right,she said, doing the Snoopy dance——and black people, even black alter egos, don’t do that!I’ll bet he’s a monsterin bed, she shouted with glee.
And speaking of monsters,said Rational Bell,what if he killed her? What if you’re wrong? Or, just as bad, what if he didn’t do it and is convicted anyway? You’ll be a prison widow.
But you won’t be a prison widow today,Irrational Bell said.He’s out of jail on bond today. Take that brotha home and have your way with him.
He doesn’t really want you,Insecure Bell whispered from her corner.Not really.
For a moment I felt like I was having a psychotic break with reality. Jazz’s proposal had triggered multiple personality disorder in me. I desperately tried to control Irrational Bell’s enthusiasm.
Who are you kidding? I’m no alternate personality. I’mYOU!
Jazz must have taken my silence personally. “You got any other prospects? Other thanRocky ? Or do you want him instead?”
“I wish you’d stop with the Rocky barbs. I could ha
ve married Rocky if that was what I’d wanted.”
“Say yes, Bell.”
Rational Bell got behind the wheel. I thought it best to let her drive. “You are in no position to take on a wife. What if——”
“I’m going back to work for the Detroit police department. I’ll retire as captain one day. I’ll have a son with you. I’m not going to go to prison.”
“But what if you do?”
His demeanor changed. He went iceman. “I’m not.”
“Jazz, it could——”
“God won’t let me go to prison for this, because I didn’t kill anyone. And you need to get with that reality.”
“That’s admirable faith——”
“I’m done with this conversation. If you want a baby, take the shot, we’ll get married in the morning, and I’ll get you pregnant. This really shouldn’t be a hard decision. Not if you want a baby like you say you do. Or are you dishonest about that, too?” He stood abruptly. “I’ll be in the waiting room. Tell him your decision.”
I stood. “Will you wait a minute?”
“No. I won’t. Your time is up, and according to you, so is mine.”
“Look, I’m sorry. I just——”
“Choose: baby or no baby. Whateva. Or go with having a little Rock head, or Baby Nobody. It’s your call. Don’t expect me to sit around yammering about it.”
He left the room, with me standing there, my mouth wide open.
Idiot,Irrational Bell said, then she left me alone, too.
chapter eighteen
NOT ONE WORD.Not a single utterance all the way home. Jazz wouldn’t respond to anything I said or toss me so much as a glance. He had enough people telling him he’d go to prison for the rest of his life. He didn’t need me to join the chorus. He couldn’t work. He didn’t even have his Crown Victoria for comfort, like I had my Love Bug.
But he had to know what he’d asked had been unreasonable. He didn’t think I’d be foolish enough to marry him under these horrible circumstances, did he? No matter how badly I wanted a baby——or him.
At last we reached my apartment. I parked in my space and tried to make him laugh by sounding like Lucy Ricardo doing an imitation of her husband: “Hunneee, we’re hooo-oooome.”
He glared at me.
“That was Lucy Ricardo pretending to be Ricky.”
“Don’t quit your day job.”
“Oh my goodness! Ittalks. ”
It stopped talking.
“I’m sorry, Jazz.”
Nothing.
“You finally talked to me. Will you please say something more?”
Nada.He just got out of the car and came around to open the door for me. Always the gentleman.
I stepped out of the car, and he followed me toward the building. His attitude didn’t prevent him from putting his hand on the small of my back to guide me up the stairs and to my door.
“Thanks, Jazz.”
Nothing.
“I’ll see you later.”
Nothing.
“Fine. Don’t say anything.” I dug in my purse for my keys. I must have taken a little too long for Mr. Strong Silent Type. He took the liberty of taking out his own set and opening the door.
“You need to give me that set of keys,” I said.
In answer, he waltzed into my apartment like Fred Astaire. I followed him, bewildered. He took off his coat and hung it in my closet.
“Excuse me? You want to hang out, but you won’t talk to me?”
He helped me out of my coat. Placed it, too, in the closet.
“Stop doing gentlemanly things when you refuse to speak to me. Are you planning on hanging out here? Because I have things to do this afternoon.”
“So go.”
“Oh, you want to talk now?”
“No, but you refuse to leave me alone.” He went into my kitchen and opened my refrigerator.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m looking for something to eat.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m hungry.”
“You can’t just come in here like you own the place when you’re barely speaking to me.”
“I’ll bet Rocky can. I’ll bet Rocky can make himself at home.”
“Rocky is speaking to me.”
“He looked pretty busy with Elisa, if you ask me. And you can forget about having a baby with him. I think Rocky’s got a baby now.”
“You can be a real jerk sometimes, Jazz.”
“So can you, Bell.”
He foraged around my entire kitchen for something appealing. “Do you eat anything besides Lean Cuisine and hundred-calorie Nabisco snack stuff? It’s a bunch of chick food in here. What are you doing? Trying to model now?”
“I happen to want to lose weight.”
“For what?”
“Because I’m overweight.”
He snorted. “You’re trippin’.” He made his way back to the refrigerator. Got frustrated and swore when he couldn’t find anything suitable to eat.
“Don’t cuss. Amos.”
“Which reminds me. I didn’t see him in his cage. Why isn’t he?”
“He’s part of the family now. He’s free to roam at will.”
“Excuse me? The rodent that tried to shred your arm is family?”
“Sure. He got nicer once I gave him his freedom. We actually have cuddle times now.”
“At least someone does.”
I stuck my tongue out at him.
“So you’re going to let him wander around the house, with no access to his food and water, in an apartment that’s not sugar-glider-proofed, just because you want him to be family.”
“I’m letting you do it!”
“I can fend for myself. He can’t.”
I pointed to the corner of the room where I’d put a tiny water and food dispenser and gave Jazz an evil grin.
Jazz shook his head. “I still don’t think it’s safe.”
I suddenly had a picture in my head. Animal protective services coming to take my baby and put him in foster care…Don’t think aboutbabies,Bell.
“I didn’t think about him being unsafe.”
Jazz sighed and shook his head, no doubt thinking how awful I was but taking pity on me. “Maybe not. I don’t know.”
“Really? You don’t think I’m a terrible mother?”
“Not if I practically begged you to have my baby. However, I’m not impressed with you as a sugar-glider owner.” He stood in the middle of the kitchen, miffed. “You don’t have any food for a man.” He went back to his futile search for “man food” in my refrigerator.
I thought about what he’d said. “I don’t have a man.”
That seemed to really get his ire up. “What am I, huh?” With one movement, he was right on me. I didn’t think a quarter inch of space stood between us. He said in my ear in a hoarse whisper, “Don’t think I’m a man, baby? Do I need to show you how much of a man I am?”
I’d noticed his manliness, all right. We could have powered metropolitan Detroit with the masculine/feminine energy that crackled between us. And as far as his hunger went, he gave me a lusty look like I was on the menu.
I muttered lamely, “I thought you wanted to eat.”
He stormed over to the fridge and slammed the door shut. “Yeah. I want to eat, all right. Only you don’t have food fit for anyone with a Y chromosome. Probably on purpose. You don’t really want a man, do you? That’s why you didn’t marry Rocky. And that’s why you won’t marry me. One good thing I can say about Kate.She wanted to marry me.”
“She didn’t want your baby, though, did she?”
His reaction was so subtle that anybody else would have missed it. For a moment neither of us spoke. He broke the silence. “I suppose I deserved that.”
“Actually, you did not.”
“Are you sure you won’t marry me? We fight like a married couple.”
“I think we should part ways before we shed blood.”
He smiled. “Uh,
I think I’m bleeding already.”
“Did you miss it? I’ve been trailing blood since we left Dr. McLogan’s office.”
Jazz crossed his arms across his chest, body armor in place. I realized my body armor was already on. We stood there a few more moments, Jazz rocking back and forth on his heels, me tapping my foot on my tile floor until his stomach growled and we both laughed.
“I can leave, Bell. I just wanted to be with you today.” He looked away from me. “The funeral…I really wanted to be with you.”
“I’ve got take-out menus. You can order in.”
We both dropped our armor. Went to each other at the same time and held on as if there were no murder, no doubts, nothing but love between us. We whispered our apologies and administered the gentlest of touches on hands, cheeks, hair, arms.
He took my hand and walked with me to my living room. We sat on the sofa together.
“I’m worn out, Bell. I don’t have any more tricks. No more manipulations. I’ve sat all these weeks with Mason, trying to find some way to be with you. It’s over now. I just love you. I want to spend my life with you. All the barriers standing in the way are gone for me.”
“But not for me.”
“Do you love me?”
“Of course I do.”
“Do you want to have a baby? With me?”
“Yes.”
“Then marry me. It can be our secret. No one else has to know.”
“You did the secret-wedding thing. It was a disaster that your family and friends still razz you about. Do you want to try that again?”
“I don’t, but I’m not the one who needs this to be a secret. I married Kate and kept it a secret because I got her pregnant. I didn’t want to marry her. She embarrassed me. You’re the one embarrassed here. Not me.”
“You don’t embarrass me, Jazz, and neither does the idea of marrying you. My problem is that marrying you right now will frighten my family out of their wits.”
“Will it frighten your family——or you?”
He had a point. He waited for me to answer.
“I don’t know, Jazz. This isn’t easy. You’re a cop. Put yourself in my position.” It felt like a fifty-pound weight sat on my chest. “I want to say yes, but I need to think this through. I need to go out. I have some important things to do.”
Death, Deceit & Some Smooth Jazz Page 21
