Lust & Trust

by Amanda Cain

  I pressed for details. “Is your mom leaving you alone a lot? Is she seeing someone?” She began twirling her hair. “No, everything is fine.”

  “Honey, if there is a problem you need to let me know.”

  “I know, Dad, but there isn’t.”

  I tried to keep my anger and dislike for her mother in check, a task Lindsey made harder than shit. I let it go and tucked my daughter into bed while I waited for Lindsey to get home. Lindsey walked through the front door with a scowl on her face. It was going to be a long night.

  “Why are you still here?” she growled.

  “Because you weren’t,” I snapped. “What’s going on? You never came back to the hospital or answered my calls. Your daughter was in an accident and you don’t visit her?”

  “You were there,” she retorted. “I’m here now, so you can leave!”

  I should have left, but I didn’t. I wasted the next few hours arguing with Lindsey, who, as usual, hurled my past back at me, making me feel like crap.

  “You act like you’re such a great father … You left me alone, you were gone every weekend …” she snapped.

  “Holy shit, not this again. I made a fucking mistake. I was there for Melissa before that and ever since. Can you say the same? Have you ever been there for her or me?

  “You left me the day after we said I do.” I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration. “Seriously, Lindsey, who took care of Melissa when she was a baby?”

  “Fuck you,” she answered.

  I got tired of the fight, it was pointless. Our arguments always ended up here. We were never going to agree. I carried so much guilt. Did I do this to her? Is she frigid, unable to even be a real mother to our daughter, because of me? We were so young. I had no experience. She was my first real girlfriend. I had to get out of there. Lindsey promised to stay home with Melissa.

  I checked on Melissa before leaving. Her bruises were starting to turn that horrible yellow color that meant they were healing. “I’ll be back in the morning. Call me if you need anything.”

  “I’m fine, Dad,” she insisted as she hugged me goodbye. I left for home that evening, worried about my daughter and anxious to get away from my wife.

  I hated Chicago but kept an apartment here to be closer to Melissa. I fixed a sandwich and sat in the kitchen. My night with Emma continued to play in my head.

  I overheard her tell her friend she was commitment phobic. I was in no place to commit. She was fucking hot. Hooking up for a night should have been a good idea. Problem was a night didn’t cut it. I still wanted her.

  She knew it was a one-time thing, but I had left in such a hurry maybe I should call and apologize. Hell, she’d probably hang up on me anyway.

  Chapter 7

  Emma

  I answered the phone without looking, no longer expecting it to be Ryan.

  “Hi, Emma.”

  I heard his voice and sat there like an idiot, breathing into the receiver, not saying anything.

  “Emma?” he said again. “It’s Ryan, from last week.”

  Like I could forget.

  “Um, yeah, hey,” I managed to stammer like some child. I couldn’t believe how nervous I was.

  “Listen, I wanted to apologize again for the way I left. There was a personal emergency that needed my attention.”

  “I understand. Is everything alright?”

  Ryan hesitated. “It is now … or will be.”

  Yeah, your wife wanted you to come home, I thought.

  “I appreciate your calling, and I get it, things happen, but I have to go. I’m getting ready for a date.” It was the truth; Char had talked me into going out with Brandon, Bob’s friend, but it seemed childish and vindictive for me to mention it to Ryan.

  “Oh … look, Emma, I will be back in the area next week. Could we spend some time together?”

  I was stunned. I hadn’t expected to ever hear from him or see him again.

  “I don’t think that is a good idea. You live in Chicago. Long-distance friendships are hard to maintain. I mean, I’m not looking for something long-term or permanent with anyone,” I stammered, sounding adolescent, “but I only date and fuck monogamously.”

  “Date and fuck monogamously?” he repeated, “I like that. So we don’t date, and if you insist, we don’t fuck. Let me, at the least, take you out to dinner. I owe you that much. Friends without benefits.”

  “Friends without benefits … I wonder if we could pull that off,” I replied. Of course, it was an impossible idea, one that would never work, but I wanted to see him again, so I found myself agreeing. “Next Friday, just dinner-friends only.”

  “Deal,” Ryan said.

  “One more thing before I hang up: what is your last name?”

  There was a slight pause. “Smith.”

  “Smith? Your name is Ryan Smith?” How many search results to Ryan Smith in Chicago would I receive if I Googled him?

  “Yes.”

  We hung up. I had already agreed to go out with Brandon, so I finished getting ready. To be fair to Brandon, I tried to give him my full attention, but my mind just kept going back to Ryan. Brandon and I ate downtown and went to a couple blues bars. At the end of our date, he walked me to my door.

  “I have tickets for this Saturday’s Rockies game. Would you like to come with me?” Brandon asked.

  “I’m sorry, I have this thing,” I lied. Since I knew Ryan would be in town, I wanted to keep my weekend open.

  “Is it okay if I call you next week?”

  “Yeah, that would be fine.” It was starting to feel a little awkward. I knew I wasn’t really interested and probably wouldn’t see him again. Brandon kissed my forehead and left.

  Brandon’s forehead kiss brought back memories of Ryan kissing my forehead before leaving. Do all guys do that or was there something particularly kissable about my forehead?

  Char called the next day. “How’d your date go?”

  She could be a real pain sometimes, but I couldn’t imagine life without her.

  “Fine, Char, it was okay. I’m not sure I would want to go out with him again, though. I didn’t feel a real connection.”

  “I heard he asked you to the Rockies game on Saturday but you had a ‘thing.’ Do you really have plans on Saturday?”

  “Did Brandon call you as soon as he dropped me off?”

  “No, don’t be paranoid. He and Bob were talking, and he invited Bob to the game. Brandon mentioned he asked you but you couldn’t go because you had a thing. If that was just an excuse, then I thought we could hang out since Bob won’t be home. By the way, Bob said to tell you thanks. They are great seats!”

  I despised lying to her, but if I told her I was having dinner with Ryan, she would lecture me and get all smothery.

  “I’m a little restless and thought it would be relaxing to go hiking. I planned a trip to the foothills.”

  “By yourself? You sure you should go alone?”

  Knowing Char’s distaste for outdoor exercising, I knew she wouldn’t volunteer to come along. Her idea of a day with nature was poolside with a piña colada.

  “I’ll be fine. Sierra will be with me. Maybe I’ll check with Randy and see if he wants to come with. I think John is going out of town.” My lie was growing bigger by the second. I wondered if I looked in the mirror if I’d see my nose growing.

  “Good, take Randy. I won’t worry as much if you’re with someone.”

  I felt awful for not telling Char about Ryan’s visit, but this whole thing with Ryan was something I needed to work through on my own. Char would not understand my agreeing to see him, even if it was just as friends. I didn’t even fully understand why I agreed. Honestly, if it had been her instead of me, I’d lecture her on how crazy she was being too.

  I had reflected heavily on my decision to go to dinner with Ryan. I knew I wanted to see him, and the idea of sleeping with him again was too exciting to pass up. I still didn’t think Ryan was a bad guy. They say dogs are great judges of a
person’s character, and Sierra loved him. Great, now I’m taking dating advice from my dog? I laughed at myself, but I also knew there was a lot of truth to it. If Sierra hadn’t liked him, I wouldn’t see him again.

  I instinctively knew if I pushed too hard on personal questions, we wouldn’t remain friends with or without benefits. Maybe things would fizzle quickly, and his personal stuff wouldn’t make a difference. I wasn’t looking for marriage, right? So what did I need from Ryan to make this okay for me? I needed to know he wasn’t married, wasn’t some sort of criminal, and that we could be monogamous. I knew he was hiding something, but as long as it wasn’t illegal or immoral … did it matter? He lived in Chicago. This thing was going to be short term anyway.

  *

  I was in good spirits the rest of the week, unable to hide my happiness at the thought of seeing Ryan.

  “You must be excited about getting away. You’ve been giddy all week. I’m thankful you are putting the whole Ryan thing to bed, no pun intended.” Char eyed me suspiciously over her reading glasses. “You have put the whole Ryan thing behind you … right?”

  “I am really looking forward to hiking. The fresh air and exercise will be invigorating. You know hiking always clears my head, and I’m sure it will help me deal with any residual thoughts about Ryan.” They say every good lie has some truth to it. I was going straight to Hell. What kind of person lies to their best friend?

  “Now that Bob will be at the game all day on Saturday, what are your plans?”

  “Since my bestie bailed on me…” she laughed “…I thought I would spend the day poolside, with a silly little umbrella drink and a good book.”

  “That sounds nice. Next time we will make plans, and I’ll join you poolside.”

  I had given Friday night a lot of thought. Agreeing to dinner with Ryan was probably going to make my list of dumbest things I’d ever done.

  But I had a plan.

  Chapter 8

  Ryan

  I’m such a dick. “Smith?” How lame. I couldn’t even come up with something clever? If I told her my real last name, she would Google me or do a background check. The story of my life was a bit twisted and way too much of it could be found online. I wasn’t ready—hell, she wasn’t ready for that.

  How could she be going on a date already? Would she have sex with him? The better question was why did I care? I already hated the thought of someone else touching her. This was supposed to be one night. Now I was going to fly all the way to Denver just so I could apologize for leaving in a hurry? Who was I kidding?

  My life had been nothing but short casual flings. My loving wife had made sure of that.

  I worried my attraction to Em was different. I actually cared what she thought, and I really did want to keep seeing her. If we ended up in bed again, would she be okay? Would I? I’d have to explain my situation.

  The week passed at a snail’s pace. It was finally Friday, and I couldn’t wait to be Denver bound. Though I hadn’t planned to meet Em until dinner, I arrived early in the morning and drove up the mountain to my house in Evergreen.

  I loved the quiet little town of Evergreen. Nothing there reminded me of Lindsey except Melissa’s room. Melissa was the one good thing that came out of my twisted marriage.

  On the drive to Em’s, I thought about what I knew about her. She was independent, vibrant, easy to be around, made me laugh, and blushed easily. I already liked her more than I should. And then there was her body. Damn, that body! Her small waist and round hips. So. Fucking. Sexy.

  Yeah, this friendship-only thing was going to work.

  Emma opened the door wearing a button-down blouse just tight enough to strain the fabric as her breasts pushed against it, a short skirt, and four-inch heels. Fuck, she looked hot!

  “Oh shit.” I inhaled as she opened the door.

  “‘Oh shit’ is my line,” she said, her mouth forming into an adorable, albeit fake, little pout. “Is something wrong?”

  I stared at her, allowing my eyes to travel up and down her body, over her soft, full lips, her nipples hardening in response to my silent flirtation. My dick was starting to swell.

  “Not if we are ignoring the friends without benefits rule. But you might need to change into some baggy ill-fitting clothes if you expect me to keep my end of that agreement.” I laughed, although not joking.

  Sierra came running down the hall and hurled herself at me, smattering my face with kisses like I was her long lost dad.

  “Traitor!” Emma said, pointing her finger at her. Sierra looked confused for a second but then returned to expressing her happiness at seeing me.

  “Well, that is more than I will receive from your momma.” I glanced over at Emma.

  “Did you want anything to drink?” she asked, ignoring my comment.

  “No, we better leave before I forget I’m a gentleman and do the things to you that I’ve been fantasizing about.” I wondered if she was wet and wished I could find out.

  When we walked outside, Emma caught me off guard. “Hey, isn’t this the same truck you had last week? Is it your truck? Did you drive from Chicago? I had assumed you rented it.”

  Crap, I had forgotten about the truck! It was my truck. I kept it at the airport so I wouldn’t have to hire a driver or rent a car every time I came to my house in Evergreen. I guess it wouldn’t make sense for me to keep driving the same truck if I didn’t live here.

  “No, it belongs to a friend in Colorado Springs,” I lied. “I had left it at the airport, and he is letting me borrow it.”

  At dinner, she ordered crab legs and a Bud Light. “I didn’t picture you as a beer drinker.”

  Emma ran her finger around the rim of the bottle before taking a sip. “There are a lot of things you don’t know about me, Mr. Smith.”

  Mr. Smith. The words jolted me back to reality. I hadn’t thought this through. She was going to start asking questions. I had never lied to the women I’d been with before. I was always upfront about who I was and always let them know it was casual, no commitment.

  Sitting at the Dusty Boot with Em, it started with a small lie. I did keep an apartment in Chicago, but I wasn’t a consultant. She hadn’t asked me much else, and I didn’t volunteer. When she asked for my last name, I should have told her the truth, but something was different with Em. The physical shit between us was major, but I also liked her. I felt a connection that I wanted to explore, but was that fair to her?

  “So then, tell me about Emma,” I said.

  She bit her bottom lip seductively. “I’m fearlessly loyal to my friends, love a good game of Scrabble, and as you know I love being outside. Running, swimming, hiking. I take Sierra to Boulder or Evergreen to hike two or three times a month. Are you familiar with either? They are both pretty and great places to spend a weekend.”

  I about spit out the beer I just took a sip of. Have I been to Evergreen? Yeah, I own a house there and was just thinking earlier today about how much I wish I could share it with you.

  “I’ve hiked the foothills a few times.” I smiled, thinking about how much fun it would be to spend weekends together in Evergreen.

  Emma cracked open a crab leg, dipped it in butter, and started sucking the butter off. I swear if I didn’t know better, I’d think she was trying to seduce me.

  I shook my head and smiled. “Em, if you don’t stop that, I am going to drag you under the table and do things to you that will make you beg for more! I agreed to just friends, but could you be a little less cute and seductive?”

  Part of what drove me crazy about her was the way she looked at me: her Aztec blue eyes full of lust, eyelids lowering slightly, staring at me as if she needed me. Only me. I was starting to wonder if sex was back on the table.

  Emma smiled, reached over and touched my hand, feigning innocence. “I’m sorry, Ryan, what was I doing?”

  That was it. My dick was at full attention just from the touch of her hand. I was flustered. What was this girl doing to me?

  “E
m, you are figuratively and literally making this hard. If we continue as friends without benefits, you have to promise to wear baggy clothes and not eat crab legs. Although, until tonight, I’ve never watched anyone eat a crab leg and thought of it as sexy.”

  Emma laughed. Her laughter was filled with lighthearted playfulness, and some of the sexual tension between us lightened.

  We were both quiet on the drive back to Emma’s. I was lost in my own thoughts. I didn’t want the night to end. I liked Emma. She made me laugh and just being with her helped me relax. I pulled into her driveway and turned toward her.

  “I think it is better if I don’t walk you to your door. Honestly, I don’t trust myself.”

  “I get it,” she said. Leaning in, she placed her luscious full lips on mine. Before I knew what was happening, she had my pants unzipped and was heading south.

  “Emma, are you sure?” I hoped to God she was.

  She didn’t answer me but somehow released my cock from the constraints of my boxers and started licking the tip. I groaned as her mouth slid over me, and she began sucking. She stopped, looking up at me with pure desire in her eyes.

  “My house now!” she ordered.

  I left my pants unzipped and hopped out of the truck. Emma was halfway to the door. Once in the house, she poured herself some wine and handed me a beer. Then she took my hand and walked me back to her bedroom.

  “Em, we should talk first.” If we were going to end up in bed together again, then I should try to explain my situation, even if it means she walks away.

  “Shut up and take your pants off,” she ordered.

  “Em, we should …”

  “Dammit, Ryan, take your pants off!” she demanded as she took her shirt off.

  I gave up. I was a guy, not a superhero. Unable to resist, I did as I was told. She pushed me onto the edge of the bed then got on her knees and continued what she started in the truck. I couldn’t believe it as I watched her take my whole cock in her mouth. I could feel the back of her throat as she sucked harder. I could come just watching her.