Redemption (Men of Honor Book 2)

by Michelle Horst

  “You didn’t think, Eli. You put yourself in danger because of me and not for one minute did you think what it would do to me if I lost you.”

  She takes a few breaths and finally a tear rolls over her cheek. She needs to freak out. She needs to scream and break down so she can let it out.

  She looks up at me and her voice quivers as she says, “I didn’t think how unfair I was being to Roy. I was going to marry him. I was going to tie him down to a life with me, while I still loved you.”

  She turns away from me as I try to make sense of her words.

  “Ethan should take you to the emergency room,” she whispers, and I know she’s done talking for now.

  I’m not sure if we made any progress. I’m not sure of anything right now.

  After I get back from the emergency room, Mom and Dad come over to check on me.

  “Are you okay?” Mom asks as she hugs me gently.

  “Yeah, three of the stitches came loose, but they fixed it. There’s nothing to worry about.”

  She looks up at me. “I’ll always worry about you and Ethan.” She kisses my cheek, and says, “I’m going to go check on Quinn.”

  Dad waits for Mom to leave the living room, before he sits down on the couch with me. He leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees. For a long time, he just stares down at his hands, before he looks at me.

  “Remember when I first taught you how to shoot a gun?”

  “Yeah,” I say, leaning back into the cushion.

  “You told me you were scared,” he says. “Do you remember what I said to you that day?’

  I nod. I remember every moment I’ve spent with Dad. “You said everybody has one fear.”

  “I told you my fear was that I wouldn’t be able to protect you,” he reminds me. I place a hand on his shoulder, now knowing where he’s going with this. “When he shot you, fuck, Eli, I can’t describe to you what I felt. Facing your biggest fear is no easy task. I’ve been in some pretty tough situations before, but I’ve never felt so powerless in my life like I did while I had to watch you bleed out.”

  “But I’m okay now,” I try to comfort him.

  He shakes his head and looks down at his hands again. “Twice in my life I’ve had the people I love bleed out under my hands.”

  “Twice?” I ask.

  “Your mother got shot.” The words shudder through me and I sit back up. I try to catch his eyes, but for the first time in my life he won’t look up.

  A tear escapes his eye and he roughly wipes it away.

  “Before you and Ethan came along, your mother and I had our own demons to fight. We never told you any of this because we were hoping you’d never be in such a bad place that you would need to know.”

  “Know what, Dad?”

  “I wasn’t a handy man all my life. There was a time where people used to come to me when they were all out of options. I was the person who went into the middle of a shit storm to rescue their loved ones. Your mother was kidnapped and I was contacted to go get her.”

  My mouth drops open with shock. “Mom was kidnapped? Who? Why?”

  “Because people fucked up and she had to pay. It’s been almost thirty years and I still remember what she looked like when I found her. The smell. The blood.” He looks at me and I see the rage burning in his eyes. “I still feel the anger.”

  “Blood?” I whisper. I’m not sure I want to know all of it.

  “They beat her so badly.” His voice cracks over the words and this time when a tear rolls down his cheek, he doesn’t stop it. He takes a deep breath and manages to regain control over his emotions. “She stayed with me for a while, but shit happened and she ran away. I found her a day before they came for her.”

  He looks at me and says, “She did exactly what you did. She didn’t think for one moment that she was placing her life in danger. She went after the fucker who was hurting a friend of hers and he shot her before I could get to her. We got her to the hospital in time, but -”

  He places his hand on mine and squeezes it.

  “I still see her blood on my hands. I still see your blood on my hands. Your wounds may heal, but it’s the scars inside that never go away.”

  “I’m sorry, Dad,” I start to say, but he stops me with a shake of his head.

  “Let me finish. I’m proud of you, Eli. You saved Quinn. I would’ve done the same for your mother a million times. I understand why you took the bullet for her. The father in me wants to hide you from the world so nothing can touch you, but the man in me understands.”

  I nod and force a smile to my lips. “Thanks, Dad. That means a lot.”

  “I told you that you might meet someone who will need your help. Quinn is that person. You need to be stronger than her now. I know your biggest fear is not being able to protect her.”

  I let out a heavy sigh because Dad is right. Last week my biggest fear was losing her. After that night, I now dread the day where she needs me and I can’t be there for her.

  “The only way to overcome a fear is to face it head-on. Teach her how to protect herself like I taught you.”

  “I would’ve died if you hadn’t taught me all those things,” I whisper, finally understanding why Dad is telling me all of this. I was able to remain calm because Dad showed me how. I was able to fight and buy us time, because I knew how.

  Dad’s biggest fear is not being able to protect us, so he showed us all how to protect ourselves.

  “Her biggest fear is losing you because she blames herself for placing you in a dangerous situation. Only you can help her deal with that fear.”

  He gives my shoulder a squeeze as Mom comes back into the living room with Quinn. I can see they’ve both been crying. Thank God for my parents. I wouldn’t know how to deal with all of this if it weren’t for them.

  “We’re in the mood for pizza. Is there a specific one you guys want?”

  “Anything will taste good, Mom.”

  Quinn

  It’s been four weeks since we started training and I feel miserable. It’s for different reasons now. The pain of losing Roy isn’t so intense anymore, and it’s becoming a problem for me. I can’t forget about Roy and Mrs. Douglas. Someone has to remember them.

  The training is going much slower than I had hoped. When we started, I fantasized about being ready in three days, which I now know is impossible. With every day that passes, I feel more desperate to learn everything so I can go find Steve and kill him. Who knows what he’s been doing or planning in all this time. What if he comes back today or tomorrow? I won’t be ready. I won’t be able to stop him and the thought crushes me.

  I feel like I’m constantly battling two parts of myself. The one part of me never stops screaming and raging. It feels like I’m losing my mind. I can’t silence the screaming. The other part is empty of all emotion.

  Dad came to visit when he was in town. Since then, he’s been calling me every day. I wish he would stop. I know he cares and is worried about me. When he was here, he tried to talk me into seeing a psychologist, but I refused. I can barely speak to the people around me, never mind spilling my guts to some stranger.

  If we’re not training, then I hide in my room.

  I don’t know what Eli does during the day. The stitches came out a few weeks ago, so I suppose he’s working again.

  We’ve been living around each other. It’s a good thing that he’s going on with his life. I don’t want to drag him down with me. I just can’t find any part of me that can face life, because living means I have to feel. Feeling means I have to think of that night and I just can’t.

  My anxiety keeps getting worse. It feels as if the walls are closing in on me.

  I go to the kitchen to get myself an apple. While cutting it in half, I freeze and stare at it.

  Without thinking, I press the sharp edge to my stomach. I can end it all now. If I’m gone, Eli will be safe. I can end the memories and pain.

  I pull back and look at my hands. They aren’t even shaking.<
br />
  I thrust forward and growl my frustration as I glare down at the tip of the knife. It has torn through my shirt but stopped short of stabbing into me.

  I’m pathetic. I can’t even end this nightmare.

  My mind wants to end it, but my own body is fighting me to stay alive.

  Anger bubbles hot through me and I scream as I slice at my arm. When I see the tiny droplets of blood appear, a weird feeling washes through me. It’s enough to silence my chaotic thoughts for a moment.

  For a moment I feel no pain. I feel nothing.

  It only lasts a few minutes before the cut on my arm starts to burn. Then I realize what I just did. Disgust ripples through me, making me grab a piece of paper towel. What kind of person cuts herself?

  A weak person.

  A coward.

  When I’ve wiped the blood from my arm, I quickly get a band-aid. Scared that Eli will get home and see what I’ve done, I race upstairs to put on a long sleeve shirt.

  What have I done?

  I feel sickened with myself.

  I hear the front door open, and it makes my anxiety spike sharply. Shit, what if he finds the evidence of what I did? Dammit! I didn’t think to cover the paper towel up, before I threw it in the trash.

  I race out of the room and when I practically storm into the kitchen, I come to a quick stop. Eli takes a bottle of water out of the fridge.

  If he throws that bottle away he’ll see the towel.

  I move in the direction of the trash and it gets his attention.

  “How was your day?” he asks, leaning against the counter. He frowns at me. “Are you cold?”

  I look down at the long sleeve, then my eyes go to the tiny bulge where the band-aid is.

  “Uhm … yeah.” I need to get him out of the kitchen. “Why don’t you go watch TV while I make us something to eat?”

  Dammit. His frown is getting a frown. I need to act normal or he’s going to get suspicious.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. I just want to say thank you for letting me stay here. I want to do something for you. Let me do it.”

  He places the bottle of water on the counter then just stares at me until I start to feel uncomfortable.

  “I’ve given you some time, Quinn. I’ve let you hide in that room for a month. We’re going to have to talk about what happened. Roy would want you to go on with your life.”

  My anxiety quickly gives way to anger.

  “How would you know what Roy would have wanted for me?” I snap.

  “Because he was a good man. He loved you, Quinn. He wouldn’t want you to just give up.”

  My eyes dart to the trash. I just want to get rid of it and go back to my room. I don’t want to talk about Roy or what happened. I walk to the trash and take the bag from it.

  “What are you doing?” Eli asks, a look of confusion spreading over his face.

  “Taking out the trash,” I snap.

  “I took it out before I left this morning.”

  I look down at the practically empty bag in my hand. Shit, I’m busted.

  “Quinn, put down the bag and talk to me.”

  He walks over to where I am and when he reaches for the bag, I yank it out of his reach.

  “Leave it. Just leave it! I said I want to take it out.”

  I start to tremble as panic makes my heart beat faster.

  Eli takes a step back, a look of shock on his face.

  “What’s going on?”

  I take deep breaths, trying to calm myself.

  “We can’t go on like this, Quinn. Tell me what you need me to do and I’ll do it.”

  Shame and disgust well up in me and I feel horrible for the way I’ve been acting. Eli doesn’t deserve this.

  His eyes scan over me and then they dart back to my arm. The blood drains from my face as he reaches for it.

  “What happened to your arm?”

  I quickly step away from him and walk to the back door. When I’m outside, I glance down. There’s a tiny blood stain. I start to roll the sleeve up so it will cover the stain.

  Eli grabs my hand and pulls it away.

  “I asked you a question, Quinn,” he growls darkly.

  When I still don’t answer him, he grabs hold of my arm and shoves the sleeve up. To my horror the band aid slips away with the material, exposing my stupidity to Eli’s scrutinizing gaze.

  “What happened?” His voice is low, and I know if I don’t come up with something now, things are going to get ugly.

  “I was cutting an apple. The knife slipped and I nicked myself.”

  I can’t look up at him.

  ‘That’s more than a nick.”

  I try to pull away, but instead, he pulls me closer. He takes the bag from my hand and drops it on the floor.

  “Look at me,” he says, his voice icy.

  I shake my head and my heart starts to pound all over again.

  He takes hold of my chin and forces my face up. The second our eyes meet, my lips part ready to blurt out an apology.

  Pain darkens his eyes and a muscle starts to jump on the right side of his jaw.

  “Why, Quinn?”

  I drop my eyes from his. I can’t stand to see the disappointment. I feel guilty as it is.

  But instead of telling me what a horrible person I am, Eli takes my hand and pulls me back inside the house. He keeps walking until we reach the bathroom.

  “Sit,” he whispers.

  I sit down on the toilet and watch as he takes a first aid kit from the cabinet.

  He cleans the cut before he wraps a bandage around it. It makes me feel even worse. Now he’s cleaning my mess.

  When he’s done, he pulls me from the toilet and onto his lap as he sits down on the floor. His arms come around me and he buries his face in my hair.

  It’s the last thing I expected him to do.

  I feel a new kind of pain blossom in my chest. Instead of him shouting at me and telling me how weak I am, he takes care of me. He’s too kind, too gentle – and it’s killing me. I would’ve felt better had he screamed at me.

  “Please talk to me,” Eli whispers.

  I try to think of another lie I can tell him that will make him feel better, but when I open my mouth, the truth comes out.

  “It hurts when you’re nice to me.”

  Eli pulls back and the pain on his face guts me.

  I shake my head, wishing I had a better way to explain what I was feeling.

  “I did it.” I point towards the bandage because I can’t even say it, “I did it because the hurt takes my mind of the real pain.” I place a hand against my chest. “It’s the same thing when you’re being nice to me. It’s a different kind of pain.”

  “Why would it hurt you when I’m nice to you? I don’t understand.”

  It’s so hard to explain something I myself don’t even understand.

  “I don’t -” I pause for a second, choosing my words carefully. “I feel like I don’t deserve it, Eli. I’m an awful person.”

  Eli shakes his head. “Do you hear yourself, Quinn? Nothing that happened that night was your fault. You know that right?”

  My chest starts to ache and I close my eyes.

  “At first, all I could think about was Roy,” I whisper, my voice sounding empty. “But the memories of Roy are starting to fade, Eli. I can’t see him as clearly anymore. I’m starting to -” I open my eyes and look at him. “Forget.”

  “Oh, babe,” he whispers.

  He brushes some of my hair back and I look down at my hands.

  “I have nightmares about that night,” I say so softly that I’m not sure he’ll hear the words. “Roy isn’t in them anymore. It’s just that monster.”

  Eli growls deep in his throat. His hand slips behind my neck and he pulls me hard against his chest.

  I hold onto him with all my might praying that he won’t grow sick of me.

  It starts to get dark but we don’t move.

  “I don’t know why I did it, El
i. It was a crazy moment. I didn’t mean to but once I started I couldn’t stop.”

  I burrow deeper into him, needing to surround myself with his warmth and scent. When I’m close to him the darkness isn’t all that dark then.

  He presses a kiss in my hair and asks, “Don’t you think it would be better if you saw someone?”

  “No!” I snap, pushing away from him. “You sound like my dad now.”

  I get up and walk away from him.

  “Your dad is worried. I’m worried,” he says as he comes after me. “We think you should. It might be the best thing right now.”

  I stop and spin around. I just need him to back off.

  “So you think I should see some shrink? You think it’s best for me? You think I’m insane?”

  I shove hard at Eli, just wanting him to stop.

  He grabs at my hands and it’s only then that I realize that I just lashed out at Eli and he’s only trying to help. I’m losing my mind.

  “Oh, my God,” I whisper. “Eli, I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”

  It feels like I’m going to explode on the inside and no one will know about the devastating chaos left inside of me.

  “Babe,” Eli whispers. He sounds as broken as I feel. “I just want what’s best for you. If you don’t want to talk to someone, then talk to me, or talk to my mom. I don’t care if you scream, as long as you get it out. Tell me what you’re feeling right now. Just let it out. Don’t keep it in and let it eat at you. I was there, remember. I was there with you.”

  I close the distance between us and wrap my arms around him. What did I do to deserve someone like him?

  I press my face into his chest and whisper, “When I’m with you, I can almost pretend none of it happened. I feel normal and it makes me feel guilty. How dare I move on while Roy is dead? It’s only been five weeks.”

  Eli pulls back and frames my face. “It’s normal to heal, Quinn. It doesn’t mean you’re going to forget him.”

  I force a weak smile to my lips. “Thanks, Eli. I’m going to head to bed. It’s been a long day.”

  He presses a kiss to my forehead and says, “Thank you for talking to me.”

  I turn around and walk to my room but before I go in, I say, “I’ll try harder to open up. Thank you for being patient with me.”