The Lightning-Struck Heart

by T. J. Klune

  “I’m pretty sure you’re about to get plowed like a field,” Gary whispered back.

  “I’m what?”

  “Sam.”

  I looked back up. Justin stood next to the King, who had his arm around the Prince’s shoulders and was whispering quietly in his ear.

  Ryan, though. Ryan was looking right at me.

  Gary shoved me toward him.

  “You bitch,” I growled over my shoulder.

  “Love you,” he said with a grin.

  I stood in front of Ryan. If I wanted to, I could reach out and touch him. And gods, I wanted to, but I wasn’t quite convinced yet that this wasn’t some cruel dream that I would soon wake up from.

  “That’s my boy!” Kevin called out from behind us. “That’s my boy.”

  “Kevin,” Gary snapped. “You’re ruining the moment. Our son will never forgive you if you mess this up.”

  “Why is that a thing?” Randall asked Morgan.

  “Haven’t had time to study it,” Morgan said. “Frankly, I don’t know if I want to know. I go with the flow now.”

  “That just means you’ve given up understanding your charges.”

  “There was no hope in understanding them.”

  “Ah,” Randall said. “Reality’s a bitch, ain’t it?”

  “What are you doing?” I asked Ryan hoarsely.

  “I couldn’t do it,” he said, sounding nervous. “I couldn’t go through with it. Not now.”

  “So you waited until the moment you were about to get married?”

  “Uh. Yes?”

  I was slightly pissed off. “Who the fuck does that?”

  “Yeah,” Justin said. “Who the fuck.”

  We both glared at Ryan.

  He started sweating. “Well. I guess. Maybe. I did?”

  “You’re an asshole,” I said.

  “The biggest asshole,” Justin said.

  “Gigantic asshole,” I said.

  “I’m losing my heart boner,” Gary said to Tiggy.

  “I know,” Ryan said.

  “What the fuck?”

  “I know.”

  “No. Seriously. What the fuck? You were minutes away from getting married.”

  “I’m aware,” he said drily. “I am standing right here, after all.”

  “So much sass,” I said. “How can you be sassy right now?”

  He shrugged. “Someone told me once I’m the God of Sass.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “You think you’re funny.”

  “Sometimes.”

  “I’m not just going to fall into your arms.”

  “Okay,” he said. Then, “How about now?”

  “My heart boner is getting chubbed up again,” Gary said.

  Ryan reached out and grabbed my hand. I thought about pulling away, but his skin against mine felt like something akin to relief. Beautiful, wonderful relief and I thought maybe I trembled with it.

  He took a step toward me, and I could feel his heat. His eyes were wide and clear, and I felt trapped by them. He squeezed my hand. “Sam.”

  “You’re an asshole,” I said.

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t get to be an asshole.”

  “I know. I need you to listen to me. Okay?”

  “Why?”

  “Because I need to say what I should have said to you many times before.”

  I could only nod.

  “Achieving full heart boner,” Gary said. “Heart boner is imminent.”

  Ryan took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He said, “Sam, it’s always been you. It’s always been you because I lo—”

  And that’s when a group of Dark wizards burst into the throne room, led by Wan the Dark Hunter.

  “Aha!” he cried. “The element of surprise is ours!”

  People in the audience screamed and began to push their way toward the sides of the throne room. The knights moved in front of them, taking defensive positions.

  “Oh for fuck’s sake,” Gary said. “Seriously?”

  “Sam of Wilds,” Wan shouted. “I am here to avenge the death of Lartin the Dark Leaf. He was a nice and strange man whose father—”

  “No,” I snapped. “You do not get to monologue during Ryan’s love confession.”

  The Darks stared at me. “His what?” Wan asked.

  “In case you couldn’t tell, I was about to be told how wonderful I am and how much I am loved and how I am the greatest thing in his world and he worships the ground I walk on and that I also have great hair and my sex puns are the funniest things ever. He was also probably going to kiss me and I was considering making it a little dirty even though we have an audience.”

  “Oh shit,” one of the Darks said to another, and I recognized them as the ones that had been chased away by the fire geckos outside of Tarker Mills. “They finally got their act together.”

  “I told you they would,” the other said. “You owe me coin.”

  “Bullshit,” the first Dark said. “You literally said they would do it before the wedding.”

  “Oh my gods, would you stop saying literally?”

  “I thought he was marrying the Prince?” Wan asked.

  “Plans changed,” I said. “And because I fucking deserve it after all the shit I’ve been through, you’re going to shut the fuck up and let me have this fucking moment. When he’s finished, I’ll deal with you. Do you understand?”

  “I don’t think—”

  “Do you understand?”

  “Eep!” Wan said. “I mean, yes. Yes, I understand.”

  I glared at him until I was sure he was going keep his mouth shut. Then I turned back to Ryan, who was watching me fondly. “Sorry about that,” I said. “You may continue.”

  “Can I?” he asked, smirking just a bit. “Wouldn’t want any more interruptions.”

  “There won’t be any,” I said. “Proceed.”

  “Well apparently I’m supposed to say you’re the greatest thing in the world and I worship the ground you walk on.”

  “That’s a good start,” I said.

  He closed the distance between us, his chest bumping against mine. “And your sex puns are the funniest thing ever. You also have great hair.”

  “That’s good,” I managed to say. “That’s real good.”

  “And I think you’re pretty wonderful.”

  “Yeah? This is working for me. A lot.”

  He grinned. “I think there was one other thing you wanted me to say.”

  I nodded, not trusting my voice.

  Ryan reached up, cupping my face in his hands. He searched my face for something, and he must have found what he was looking for, because he said, “You’re my lightning-struck heart, Sam of Wilds. I love you more than I could ever say.”

  And then he kissed me.

  It wasn’t like the first kiss atop the dragon’s keep. That one had been born of desperation and longing. No. This kiss spoke of sweet relief, of a future that I hadn’t thought would ever be possible. As his lips moved over mine, my magic sang and thrummed along my skin, and I wondered if this is what it felt like to be cherished, to be held in such wonder that it was breathtaking.

  His tongue dragged along the seam of my lips and I opened for him. I felt the scrape of his teeth and his fingers tightened on my face. My hands were on his hips and I held him close.

  He pulled away only to kiss my cheeks. My nose. My chin. And then he rested his forehead against mine and we breathed each other in.

  “So,” he said.

  “So.”

  “Sorry it took me so long.”

  “S’okay. You can make it up to me.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I love you,” he said, kissing me sweetly.

  I couldn’t stop the smile that grew on my face even if I’d wanted to. “Because I’m awesome.”

  He rolled his eyes. “Yes, Sam. Because you’re awesome.”

  “Good,” I said. “I love you too, even if y
ou are an asshole.”

  “Heart boner,” Gary moaned. “Throbbing heart boner.”

  “We should probably deal with the Darks so we can get out of here,” he said, running his thumbs over my cheeks.

  “Yeah? Where we going?”

  He blushed.

  “Oh,” I said. “Oh. Yeah. We should definitely go do that. We should go do the hell out of that. Many times. Like, I’m so down with that. You have no idea.”

  “Make sure to get the money up front,” Randall whispered. “I need my cut.”

  Morgan sighed again and shook his head. Poor guy. He’d had a long day.

  “What they doing?” Tiggy asked.

  “Well,” Gary said. “When a knight finally pulls his head out of his ass at the last possible moment obviously staged for dramatic purposes and admits that he loves a wizard’s apprentice, they go into their room and do a special hug that—”

  “Butt sex,” Tiggy said.

  “Yes, Tiggy. Butt sex.”

  “Go, Sam!”

  “Thank you, Tiggy.” And because I could, I kissed Ryan again. It was awesome. I felt him smiling against my lips, and I didn’t think this day could get any better.

  Then Wan cleared his throat. “So. We’re still standing here. In case you were wondering.”

  “That so?” I said, pulling away from Ryan and turning toward the Darks.

  Wan squared his shoulders. The Darks behind him stood in formation. “Sam of Wilds,” Wan said. “You murdered Lartin the Dark Leaf. He was a great wizard who liked pinecones and eating fried fish while wearing slippers. We have come here to exact our revenge and—”

  “Okay,” I said.

  “Okay?” Wan asked.

  “You want revenge. I’ll let you try.”

  “You will,” he said, eyes narrowing in suspicion.

  “It’s the least I could do,” I said. “After all, you were the ones who had the foolproof plan to infiltrate Castle Lockes on a royal wedding day when a large contingent of the King’s knights would be present, not to mention the two most powerful wizards in the known world, a pissed-off unicorn, an angry half-giant, a dragon, and my boo.” I blew a kiss at Ryan. He rolled his eyes and pulled out his sword.

  “Don’t call me boo,” he said as he tried to stand between me and the Darks.

  “Mini-muffin?” I said, shoving him to the side.

  “Gods, Sam.”

  “Honeybear?”

  “I’ve changed my mind,” he said. “I take back the love confession.”

  “Too late,” I said. “We have, like, a thousand witnesses. You’re stuck with me pretty much for forever.”

  He shook his head. “Still taking it back.”

  “Heart boner gone,” Gary muttered.

  “So you see,” I said, looking back at the Darks, who were not quite as confident as they had been before. “You pretty much done fucked up, son.”

  “We can take you,” Wan said, brow sweating.

  “You sure about that?” the King asked, shrugging out of his robe. He reached behind the throne and drew out a longsword, double fisting it and grinning. “I look forward to it.”

  “Well,” Justin said, catching two swords in either hand thrown to him by a knight. He flourished them both. “At least this day didn’t end in a total crapshoot. Killing something will probably make me feel better.” He stood next to his father, coolly gazing out at the Darks.

  “Pretty sure,” Wan said weakly.

  “We need you to be positive,” my dad said, pushing his way out of the crowd and coming to stand amid the knights. He cracked his neck from side to side, popping his knuckles, the heavy muscles in his arms bunching.

  “So maybe think very carefully before you act,” my mother said, sliding out to stand next to my father, eyes glinting as she took a defensive stance, bouncing lightly on the balls of her feet.

  “So,” I said, all eyes coming back to me. “You picked a pretty bad day to fuck with Verania. Kevin! Make me billow!”

  Kevin sucked in a great breath and blew a stream of air at me, causing my robes to billow around me in the breeze.

  “Do I look badass?” I asked Ryan.

  “Dashing and immaculate even,” he said, bumping my shoulder.

  “Awesome,” I breathed. “Now I just need a catchphrase.”

  “Oh, here we go,” Gary muttered.

  “Got it!” I said. I glared at the group of Dark wizards standing before us. “It’s time to turn off their lights and leave them in the dark. Permanently.”

  Everyone groaned. Literally everyone.

  “That wasn’t very good at all!” someone in the audience cried.

  “Keep working on it,” Dad said.

  “Or don’t,” Mom said. “That works too.”

  “Good job on that one,” Randall said to Morgan. “You must be so proud.”

  “Hey,” Morgan said. “I had nothing to do with that. I’m just as embarrassed as you are.”

  “It’s like we’ve taught him nothing,” Gary said to Tiggy.

  “He slow,” Tiggy said. “It okay.”

  “He tries so hard,” the King said, winking at me.

  “Obviously not hard enough,” Justin said, flourishing his swords again. Like a douchebag.

  “I thought it was good,” Ryan said. “Sort of.”

  “Thanks, boo,” I said, beaming at him. “I’m glad you get it. Unlike the rest of these idiots who wouldn’t know awesome even if it punched them in the dicks.”

  “I should hope not,” Mom said. “Seeing as how I don’t have one.”

  “Last chance,” I told the Darks.

  “Bring it,” Wan said and I felt the heavy weight of magic permeate through the room.

  I smiled at him. “I was hoping you were going to say that.”

  The people of Verania roared.

  THE BATTLE lasted two minutes and thirty-six seconds.

  No one died, not even Lady Tina DeSilva. Much to my chagrin.

  The Darks never stood a chance.

  CHAPTER 30

  Butt Sex Is Pretty Darn Wonderful

  HE CROWDED me up against the door to my bedroom after closing it behind us. His breath was hot against my neck as he pressed his chest to mine. His lips trailed along my jaw, and I might have made a noise or two that I will deny until my dying day.

  “This,” I gasped, “is very unexpected.”

  I could feel his smile against my cheek, the scrape of his teeth near my ear. “How could any part of this be unexpected? It’s been a long time coming.”

  My hands found their way to his hips and curled into his trousers. I was trying to gather the courage to move my fingers to the buttons on the front, but was having difficulty forming even the simplest of thoughts. “Well, you were about to be married not a few hours ago.”

  He snorted. It felt gross. And awesome. “There is that.”

  “Unexpected,” I said again as he bit my earlobe.

  “We’ve been dating for weeks,” he said. “It’s just that neither of us realized it.”

  “That doesn’t count as dating if we didn’t know about it.”

  “It does,” he insisted.

  “When was our first date?” I asked, somehow resisting the urge to grind up against him. I was already half-hard, and if things kept going the way they were, it was going to become a noticeable problem very, very quickly.

  “Antonella’s.”

  I laughed. “You mean my date with Todd.”

  He pulled back and scowled at me. “That was our date and you know it. And don’t you say a damn word about his ears.”

  “I was such a dick to Todd,” I said. “But then so were you.”

  “I wasn’t a dick,” he said, going back to doing whatever he was doing to my neck and ears.

  “Dude,” I said. “You so were. You should send him a letter of apology.”

  “Sam, do you really want me to stop what I’m doing and write a letter of apology to Todd?”

  “I didn’t me
an right this second oh my gods do that again.”

  And he did, swirling his tongue on my ear and pressing himself harder against me. The handle to the door was digging against the small of my back, but I really couldn’t find a fuck to give about that because Ryan was truly, truly talented.

  “Now,” he said, his voice low and rough. “You are going to go into the bathroom. You are going to bathe. When you’re finished, you’re going to come back out here. There will be no need for clothing. Is there any part of that that is unclear?”

  “Not a single word,” I breathed.

  “Good. I’ll be back shortly. Don’t keep me waiting, Sam.” He leaned in and kissed me, dirty and wet. Somehow, he managed to make us trade places and before I knew it, he was out the door and gone.

  “Um,” I said. “What the fuck?”

  I stood there for a few long minutes, unsure of what had just happened, or what would be happening. The fact that he’d given me a few direct orders that had done nothing but made my dick harder than it’d ever been was something I wasn’t even remotely ready to deal with.

  There was a frantic knock on the door.

  I opened it quick, sure he’d already come back. “That was fast. Couldn’t wait to come back and fuck me—Gary.”

  Gary stared at me. “You’re still wearing clothes.”

  “What? Did you think I wouldn’t be? Why the hell would you knock on the door if I wasn’t going to be wearing—never mind. I don’t even want to know.”

  He pushed his way past me. “Where’s Ryan?”

  “He ordered me to get naked and bathe and then left.”

  Gary stared at me some more. Finally, “Today has been a very strange day.”

  “I still have an erection because of it,” I admitted.

  His lips twitched. “Kitten, some things are obvious.”

  I looked down and sure enough, there was my penis, very evident through the trousers. I covered myself with my hands. “Oh my gods,” I muttered. “Get the fuck out! I have sexy orders to follow!”

  “Sexy orders?” he repeated.

  “Sexy orders,” I agreed. “Though I can’t quite figure out why I need to bathe. Shouldn’t we be already down with the boning?”

  “Sam,” Gary said, sounding very patient. “We were just in a battle. You are dirty.”