Dear Elliot

by P. Stormcrow

  Emma eased down on the grass and tugged him to join her. Elliot tilted his head back to gaze up. Of course. The cherry blossom tree they’d spent so much time in as kids. A ghost of a smile played over his lips.

  “There’s the Elliot I know,” Emma breathed. “Come on. I will not let you pull away again.”

  Elliot let out a long sigh and closed his eyes. The sun warmed his face. How long had it been since he had stopped to admire such simple things?

  “Okay.” He leaned against the tree trunk. Emma reached out for his hand, and he entwined his fingers with hers. “She was a friend. Then a friend with benefits. We slept together from time to time, but it was all fun and games until she got pregnant.”

  Emma tightened her grip around his hand, but she didn’t make a sound, just waited for him to talk.

  “After the initial shock, we talked. Neither of us were romantically interested in each other, and we decided to not get married. We figured we would have this baby, do the modern thing and co-parent.” Elliot swallowed hard and closed his eyes, only to open them with haste again as the image of the still bundle formed in his mind.

  “Something happened.” Emma kept her tone soft and inched a little closer to press against him. Her warmth gave him courage to go on.

  “Yeah.” The lump in his throat wouldn’t go away and his eyes burned. But he pushed ahead anyway. “There were complications. Kaitlin”—Elliot cleared his throat again—“that was her name. She started bleeding out. They couldn’t get the bleeding to stop. But she kept asking for the baby. But she…”

  The tears started coming, and he was helpless to stop them. “She was so perfect. She would have been such a perfect baby. You should have seen her little feet. Her little fingers. But…but she wouldn’t move. And—” A sob tore through him and racked his shoulders. “Amelia. I named her Amelia.” The baby had never even cried.

  “Elliot.” Emma wrapped her arms around him, and he let his head fall on her shoulder, despite their height difference.

  “I wanted to be a dad so bad. It didn’t matter that we didn’t mean for her to happen. I held her, but she didn’t even open her eyes to look at me.” Elliot peered up at Emma, but his vision blurred from all the tears. “Why, Em? Why didn’t she even get to see me once?”

  “I don’t know,” Emma replied and stroked his hair. “I don’t know, El. But she would have been lucky to have you as her dad.”

  They sat there with him turning into a sobbing mess while Emma held him. It was nothing like the few times he had previously told the story. This time raw grief overwhelmed him, and for the first time since it all had happened, he just let himself feel. At some point, he slumped down and tucked his knees in to curl up against Emma.

  When he had better control of his crying, he spoke again, no longer needing to hide the anguish that permeated his being. “I think after a while, Kaitlin knew something was wrong and just gave up too. She stared at me and the baby and the life just…faded from her eyes.”

  “You lost your friend and your baby in one day.”

  Elliot nodded, numb now, and braced himself for the pity on Emma’s face.

  “Fuck, no wonder you drink.”

  All he heard was understanding, and when he sat up again, Emma leaned back to give him space.

  “It gets better sometimes. Then I see something, and it comes rushing back,” Elliot tried to explain. “But you see, that’s why I…” The need to tell her everything burned inside. “Last night I had a nightmare that it was you I lost on that hospital bed. I can’t— I can’t live with that. I can’t lose you too.”

  “Elliot.” Emma shuffled to kneel before him and cup his tear-stained face. “You will not lose me, and I’m not going anywhere. The only way I’ll leave is if you push me away.”

  Could he believe that? Did he dare to believe that?

  “Take it slow, okay? I’ll be here.” Emma offered, and when he nodded and touched her hair, she smiled.

  “Yeah. Okay.”

  “Now.” Emma stood and gazed up at the cherry blossoms, now a deep pink, almost red. The last colors before they start to fall. “Think we can climb this thing again?”

  She was nuts. That was the only plausible explanation as he followed where she stared. But before he could protest, she grabbed on to the first branch and dug her boots in against the knot on the side of the trunk.

  “Em!”

  Emma pulled herself up and climbed another few feet before she grinned down at him. “This is a lot easier than I remember.”

  “Em, get down from there.”

  When she didn’t listen, he groaned and jumped to grab on to the first branch himself. “Brat,” he muttered under his breath and pulled himself up. “This is crazy.” She was going to be the death of him.

  Up above, a crack alerted him that something wasn’t right. Above him, Emma yelped and tumbled backward, taking the branch with her.

  Shit.

  Elliot didn’t think. He let go and dove. Being lower on the ground meant the impact was minimal, but less than a second later, something heavy landed on top, knocking the wind out of him.

  “Ow.” Emma didn’t stop giggling as she rolled off him.

  He should be angry. They were not kids anymore. But as she kept laughing, he couldn’t help but let her humor sweep him away too, and soon, they were both lying on the ground as fits of laughter racked their bodies. As the convulsions faded, leaving them gasping for breath, Elliot found he could breathe easier for the first time since he had lost his daughter.

  Emma sat up and pushed herself to her feet. “Come on. I need to go check on Mom and get things prepped for dinner, since someone told work I needed time off and I don’t have an excuse to not cook anymore.”

  Elliot smirked as he followed suit and brushed the dirt off himself. “You needed the time.”

  She stopped and turned to stick her tongue out at him. Before the thought even crossed his mind, he grabbed her hand and pulled her to him. And before she protested, he kissed her hard and deep.

  There was a moment of stiffness, then she melted into his arms as she kissed him back. She hugged him tight, and he savored the taste of her under the tree that represented so much of their childhood. He kissed her with all the emotions, all the heartaches, all the joy he had experienced.

  When she pulled back a smidgen, he nipped her lower lip and grinned at the little shiver of her body.

  “Okay, I really have to go.” Emma sounded a little dazed, her eyes unfocused, her lips swollen even when she turned and walked away toward the house.

  Elliot decided he rather liked that look and chuckled. “All right. I’m coming.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Dear Elliot,

  Thank you.

  With love,

  Emma

  Dinner consisted of pasta, a salad and garlic bread, but the best part was the good company. She sat to her mom’s left while Elliot took the right seat and they all dug in. Although Mom had little appetite, she sat with them as they ate.

  She watched Elliot eat with gusto and laugh without reserve. Occasionally, they exchanged knowing glances and she could not help but wonder if they would end up sleeping with each other again. Because that kiss had told her it was a likely possibility.

  Emma grinned as she dipped a piece of the bread into her sauce and chewed on it.

  “Well, Emma had another fall out of the tree today.”

  “Hey!” Emma protested and waved the bread at him as if it were a weapon.

  “Emma!” Anna scolded.

  Emma wasn’t sure if her mom was aghast at her talking with her mouth full or more horrified at her climbing a tree once more. Great… It was as if she were twelve. “Traitor,” she mumbled.

  Elliot gave her a smug smile as he polished off the rest of his dish. She hadn’t recalled him eating that much before.

  “Elliot, your mom called today,” Anna started, folding her hands on the table.

  “Yeah? What did Mum have to
say?” Elliot’s casual tone belied his sudden stiff posture.

  “She asked me to ask you when you were thinking of going back to England.” But Anna watched Emma rather than Elliot. Emma ignored her mother’s scrutiny and held her breath to wait for his answer instead.

  “I’m not sure yet.” Elliot stammered.

  “Well, I told her you were looking at grad school here, so maybe you weren’t going back, depending on how things went,” Anna filled in after.

  “Mom!” Emma protested, horrified that Elliot’s excuse had now grown into something else.

  “Thank you for letting her know so I didn’t have to.” Elliot patted Anna on the arm.

  What?

  Elliot popped a salad leaf into his mouth and chewed as he turned toward her. He swallowed and smirked. “Why are you looking so surprised?”

  He caught her. The jerk.

  “Besides, I quite like what I saw on campus.” Elliot lowered his eyes from her face to her chest. Emma flushed and hoped against all hope that Anna didn’t notice the exchange.

  She looked to check, only to see that her mom had turned green. Beyond green. Emma’s eyes widened. “Bowl,” she shouted at Elliot.

  He grabbed an empty one by the counter and handed it to her just in time. Emma caught the vomit and rubbed her mother’s back. While Anna emptied the small amounts of her dinner into the bowl, Elliot exchanged an uneasy glance with Emma as he retrieved a damp cloth and a glass of water for her mother.

  And that was the start of a whole new nightmare.

  Soon, Anna lost all appetite and even a piece of toast caused her to regurgitate it back up. At first, Anna had insisted that it was because of the effects of the chemotherapy, but when her stomach grew distended, Emma returned to the hospital with her. They immediately admitted her. It didn’t take long for all the tests to come back, and Emma’s worst fears materialized.

  The cancer had not only returned but had metastasized to the rest of her body

  Time blurred between talks with the doctors and sitting by her mom’s bedside. It didn’t hit home, though, until the palliative nurse met with her to discuss end-of-life options. That night, Emma drank herself stupid, and it was Elliot who stopped her before she gave herself alcohol poisoning.

  A week later, the hospital moved Anna into the Palliative Care Unit.

  Andy and Graham came, along with Beth, and they reassured her they would cover her shifts until she was ready to return. Holly brought food, sometimes with Corey tailing behind. But through it all, whether at home or at the hospital, Elliot remained beside her.

  Emma sat in the armchair she usually occupied next to Anna’s bed. The cushion had been long worn thin from use, and the years had engraved dents into the wooden frame. But Emma didn’t notice as she read her favorite book. Except like yesterday and the day before, and the day before that, she kept reading the same line over and over, too distracted by her morbid thoughts.

  “You know, if you keep missing those classes, you’re going to fail them. You can only play the sympathy card for so long,” Anna scolded, but her voice had grown so weak that it was barely a whisper. Even the beeps and occasional soft hiss of tubes seemed louder than her mom.

  Emma set her book aside and scooted to the edge of her armchair to smile at her mother. “It’ll be fine. Holly’s taking notes for me,” she reassured her and smoothed a hand over Anna’s shoulder. Just skin and bones now. Her mother’s fragility frightened her.

  “That’s what you said when you tried to convince me that taking a week off to go to the UK was a good idea.” Anna coughed and winced.

  “You need to be resting, Mom, not worrying about me.”

  “Tch. I’m your mother. Of course, I’m going to worry about you. I’m going to spend my last dying breath still worried about you. It’s my job, you know.” Anna was so pale that even her lips had faded to chalk white.

  Emma refused to cry. “Don’t even say that.”

  “You and I both know that it’s a matter of time now. It’s okay, Emma. I’ve made my peace, knowing that you will be all right.” Anna drew in a ragged breath, as if emphasizing her point.

  “No. No, I won’t be. Mom. I need you. You’re the only family I have.” Emma grabbed on to Anna’s hand, clinging in desperation. It had always been the two of them against the world.

  Anna squeezed her hand. Or rather, tried to. The gesture became as a small twitch of the muscles against Emma’s hand. “You have…other family now. I love you, Emma. You make me so proud.” Her eyes fluttered closed and her shallow breathing evened out.

  Three days later, Anna passed away.

  * * * *

  “Emma, come eat. Food is ready,” Elliot hollered. Sure, it was dinner time, but all he had learned how to make was breakfast.

  He tried to move the baking sheet of bacon over to make room for plates, only to forget how hot the thing was. He yelped and jumped before he popped his burned finger into his mouth.

  Three months. Life had resumed for Emma, but while she put up a brave face and powered through her finals, she reverted to mourning her mother at home. Elliot could understand. He missed her steadying presence too.

  When no Emma ambled into the kitchen as she often did these days, Elliot paused and strained to catch any sounds of movement. But all he could make out was faint music playing from Emma’s room.

  Take On Me by the A-ha again. Elliot began mouthing the words to the song. Emma had been playing that on repeat often enough that even he had the lyrics memorized.

  Elliot swept his gaze around to ensure that he had turned the stove and the oven off before he made his way down the hall toward Emma’s room. The door stood ajar and soft light spilled out, but Elliot knocked regardless. “Emma?”

  No answer. He inched the door open and smiled when he saw her sitting upright on her bed, her eyes closed and with books scattered around her.

  He stepped into the room and spied an open window. Spring was giving way to summer, but the nights still remained chilly. Elliot closed the window and turned to gather the books off the bed. Most of them were ones he’d written, but two opened journals lying face down drew his curiosity. He picked up the older of the two, its corners curled with age and almost closed it when he spied his name in her handwriting.

  Don’t look. You don’t have the right to.

  “You know how you wrote your books with me in mind?”

  When Elliot closed the book in haste and looked up with guilt, Emma’s sapphire orbs regarded him while a wistful smile graced her lips.

  She wasn’t angry with him. Elliot breathed a sigh of relief and eased himself onto the bed. “Yeah.” He had told her once, and there was no use denying it now.

  Emma nodded toward the journal he held in both of his hands. “Open it.”

  He couldn’t hold back his curiosity any longer and parted the pages.

  Dear Elliot,

  What am I reading here?

  “It started when we began to talk less. I wanted to make sure I would remember everything I wanted to tell you, so I started writing them down. It became a journaling habit that continued even after we stopped talking.”

  The enormity of what she confessed bewildered him. “Em.”

  Emma shook her head. “I didn’t tell you this to guilt-trip you.” She leaned forward to retrieve the other journal and draw it close to her chest. “You’re here now and we’re talking. So, I thought I’d start a new journal and write to someone else instead.”

  “Anna?” Elliot asked and inched closer

  “Yeah.” The word warbled a little, and he spied tears beading in the corner of her eyes.

  Elliot scooted closer and pulled her into his arms. When she didn’t resist and leaned into his embrace instead, he stroked her hair. “I think that’s a wonderful idea. Anna would have liked that.”

  Emma bobbed her head once but said nothing else. Wetness seeped through his shirt. All he could do was hold her and let her cry it out.

  “El?”<
br />
  He tried to see her face, but Emma had buried it into his chest. “Yeah?”

  “Are you going back home soon?” The question came out muffled, but Elliot just made the words out.

  Ah. They hadn’t broached the topic in the last three months. He hadn’t mentioned his plans, given Emma’s need to focus on everything else.

  “Can you wait until the graduation ceremony?” Emma asked in a smaller voice. “You know, since Mom…” She trailed off, unable to finish the sentence.

  She must have taken his silence as confirmation that he would return home soon. Silly girl.

  “Em?”

  Emma pulled back at last and he could finally take in her tear-streaked face. She was still the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, ever had the privilege to hold.

  “I’m not going anywhere.”

  She blinked at him.

  “I’ll say to you what you once said to me.” Elliot cupped her cheek. “I’ll only go away if you push me away.”

  The O she made with her lips endeared her to him all the more—not that he thought it was possible.

  “So, what do you say, Emma? Us against the world?”

  She smiled at that. “Yeah. Us against the world.”

  Epilogue

  Dear Mom,

  Remember how Elliot was saying he was scoping out grad school here? Yeah, he lied to both of us. Turns out he was getting a lecturing position in the Creative Writing Department on campus. He said he wanted to surprise me with it. I made him buy me dinner instead.

  We’re doing well. I miss you so much but it’s also getting easier every day. Should I feel guilty about that? Elliot says I shouldn’t, but it’s hard when I am laughing and joking with Holly. Then suddenly it hits me that you won’t be here to hear about it after. My chest tightens and it’s like you just left all over again. Elliot said that’s normal. He went through it too.

  That helped put things into perspective.

  I still wish you were here.

  With love,

  Emma

  Elliot circled around the kitchen table to press a kiss on top of her head. “You know that we have an office and a study. You don’t have to write in the kitchen,” he chided. “I mean, we are roommates in this house now. We can use other parts of it.”